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Chuck Norris

edited May 2006 in Everything Else
Over this semester, I've heard many a Chuck Norris joke, but they all tend to be the same. I'd like to rake up some that are original or you've never heard before.

#1: Chuck Norris is so powerful that he made a rock that was so heavy that even he couldn't pick up. Then he picked it up anyway.

#2: Some people say that pain is weakness leaving the body. Actually, it's Chuck Norris round house kicking your ass.

There's my two cents...


  • Chuck Noriris's tears cure cancer.... too bad he has never cried.
  • Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  • ~Chuck Norris has counted to infinity... Twice.
    ~Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
    ~Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

    /The math ones are the funniest.
    //Fark slashies!
    ///Slashie slashie
  • Chuck Noris boils water just by looking at it...
  • Chuck Norris. That internet fad was funny for about 5 minutes.
  • edited May 2006
    Chuck Norris got in touch with his femine side.... and she instantly got pregnant.

    Chuck Norris once farted. There was no survivors.

    Chuck Norris sold his soul for his 1337 kung-fu skills. Then he roundhouse kicked the devil and got his soul back.

    "Alien vs Predator" is an autobiographical depiction of Chuck Norris' first sexual experience.

    While Chuck Norris was on holiday in Spain, he ate some bad paella causing him to take the largest shit known to man. That shit is now France.

    Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

    Chuck Norris doesn't break up with his girlfriends... He punches them in the vagina and they leave.

    Chuck Norris once ate an entire watermelon, including the seeds, then grew an entire watermelon patch in his stomach which fed eleven families for six weeks.
    Post edited by Alan on
  • edited May 2006
    In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck killed that man.

    If you were to know Chuck Norris' true name, your mind would collapse upon itself.

    A freak accident involving Chuck Norris and a severe thunderstorm turned an ordinary Total Gym (R) into Richard Dean Anderson, star of TV series "MacGyver". Scholars around the world maintain that this is the only known case of irony that is both situational and dramatic.

    Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is unable to send his roundhouse kicks across the fabric of time, however he IS able to perform this action across parallel dimentions and once, just for fun, roundhouse kicked his own ass.

    Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the special olympics.

    Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

    Don't say anything bad about Chuck Norris if you're near a lake, river, pond or marsh; otherwise he will come up out of the water with his AK-47 already firing.

    Upon reading a fictitious story in his local tabloid, Chuck Norris ripped out the heart of its writer and used his blood to fertilize his lawn. To celebrate, Norris let Steven Seagal out of his cage and beat him mercilessly. Mr. T, who was also present, pitied the shit out of Segal. Norris then fucked your wife, and lit her body on fire using pure grain alcohol and bolts of lightning from his eyes.

    When Neil Armstrong uttered "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." on the moon in 1969, he failed to notice Chuck Norris sitting behind him in a lawnchair, a beer in hand, until Chuck Norris gave Armstrong a swift roundhouse kick to the face. Armstrong never returned.

    There is a secret plot to clone the greatest Hollywood action movie stars in order to create an unbeatable army. The people behind this plot only need very small samples of DNA to work with. This is why so many action stars have very short haircuts, and some even go to the extent of shaving their heads to prevent the evil fiends from getting such a sample. Chuck Norris is the only one with the balls not only to grow his hair long, but also to cultivate facial hair. When he's feeling particularly cocky, he sends his toenail clippings to the evil syndicate's headquarters with a note: "Just try it, bitches, and I'll kick your asses into next Thursday."

    Chuck Norris occasionally has Missing In Action flashbacks where he's escaping a Vietnam Prison and randomly starts killing Asians with his bare fist because thats the way Chuck rolls. You'll know when it's coming because Asians start flying through the air with random explosions, horrible subtitles will scroll your line of vision, and Chuck will run and hide in your mom's garden, finally stealing your Kia Sportage screaming, "Get in the Chopper" and lines like, "I'm Proud to be a Fucking American" after kicking your little sister in the face
    Chuck Norris dropped that Asian with a boot to the skull

    Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and kill.

    when chuck norris goes swimming, he doesnt get wet, the water gets chuck norris

    Chuck Norris doesn’t push up he pushes the world down.

    One evening on a Saturday night Chuck Norris was spending time with his girlfriend when she thought it would be funny to say. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He promptly round house kicked her in the face ripped out her throat and screamed how dare you rhyme in the presence of Chuck Norris. Don’t fuck with chuck!!!! Six months two days and three ours later realizing the irony of his statement he laughed so hard every one in a ten mile radius went deaf.

    chuck norris doesnt sleep...he waits...

    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

    There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

    When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

    Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

    I have more but dont want to tripple post :P
    Post edited by Alan on
  • And of course, If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be seconds from death.
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