How to best deal with homophobia.

Diagoras

I have a confession to make. I haven't been honest with myself. I for many years of my life thought I was straight. Recently, something happened that made me realize this wasn't so. Now I know for certain that I am gay. I already have problems enough being an atheist, but now I have to deal with this. What do you all think I should do? My parents are just as crazy as ever, although my dad has become more tolerant of me. I am stuck for the duration in their house. My brother is just as crazy, and I believe he has begun to suspect, especially due to the fact that I didn't react to his prank of papering my walls with gay porn. I feel alone right now, but there isn't much I can do.

...

Fuck man, what did you do in your previous life that got you wound up like this?

You can't do much other than just ignore the homophobia. People being morons isn't something new.

Zeehat

Meh, just ignore people. There's always going to be people who are ignorant.

Erwin

Just go on forward with all your believes and ignore ignorant people.

Irascible

That's a tough question, for dealing with homophobia outside of your friends and family all I can suggest is ignore it and the people who are homophobic. Dealing with your family however sounds harder, I mean you said you have problems for being an atheist so are your parents very religious? Are they homophobic people? Do they have views on gays shaped by religious or other beliefs? Is homophobia a problem where you live? I don't think I can give anything other than general advice like try to educate them about homosexuals

Diagoras

That's a tough question, for dealing with homophobia outside of your friends and family all I can suggest is ignore it and the people who are homophobic. Dealing with your family however sounds harder, I mean you said you have problems for being an atheist so are your parents very religious? Are they homophobic people? Do they have views on gays shaped by religious or other beliefs? Is homophobia a problem where you live? I don't think I can give anything other than general advice like try to educate them about homosexuals

Yes, they are very religious. My father, as I said, is now more tolerant of me, although he doesn't know I'm gay. My dad once told me I better not be gay or I'd be sorry, and my mom looks down on gays and any straight people who support gay rights. Education will not work, they believe human ideas are imperfect, and therefore inferior.

whatever

How about just not telling them, at least until you're out of their house? Once you're out, cut your ties. I can understand telling your parents you're an atheist if they're forcing you to do religious services, but you should have the will power to ignore their homophobic comments. It's not like they're forcing you to date girls. Saying this as someone who's bisexual and living with a religious and homophobic father.

jcc

Do your best to show by example that their pre-conceived notions of what people who have same-sex attractions are like are incorrect. Do your best to act respectably and responsibly. Don't allow others to criticize your folks for your own decisions. Help them out when you can and show them that despite your differing views, you're still dedicated to keeping the family together, and that your interests, while maybe not identical to theirs, aren't something that will break things apart. It's the same sort of burden that I'd imagine you'd already be bearing as an atheist.

If you have any relatives that you're confident would be understanding about this issue, see if they can't help you out. If you have any friends who have the ability to offer you a couch, keep in touch with them. In a worst-case scenario, you can take them up on the offer in case anything happens.

Geo

Be proud of who you are and do not be ashamed of it. I know a few lesbians and gays and they have nothing but pride for who they are and they don't even consider changing their ways just to please people who have insecurities about the latter. This may seem like a bad idea but it will keep nagging at you for the rest of your life because lying to yourself like that can eat away at you from the inside out. When you feel ready to do so, tell your parents about this but caution them to please just listen before they react due to how serious this is. If they protest and force you to change, just tell them that this is who you are, that you're proud of it, and there is nothing that you can do to change it. It sounds like a terrible idea, but it's better than just lying about yourself the whole time.

Funfetus

First of all, congratulations. I'm sorry it's such a tough situation. Anyway, my advice: The Savage Love Podcast

If you don't already know, Dan Savage is a gay man who has written a sex and relationship advice column for Seattle's alternative weekly The Stranger for close to 20 years. A couple years ago, he started up a podcast. I strongly recommend subscribing, and going through the archives. Hardly an episode goes by where he's not advising some poor gay kid in Cornfuck, Iowa about how to deal with his/her bigoted religious parents. Additionally, it's a pretty entertaining listen overall.

If you don't listen, the cliff's notes version is this: This is a huge shock to your parents, and it's going to take them time to come to terms with it. You have to be the bigger person. You have to teach them what's up. If they're worth having in your life, they'll come around eventually. Honestly, this may end up being the best gift you could have given them. If not, you can always tough it out a few more years and then move to New York or San Francisco or Seattle. Or maybe Austin, since you seem to be in Texas.

Good luck!

seansand

Just to add to Funfetus's comment, in addition to the Savage Love podcast, I'd highly recommend reading a couple of Dan Savage's books, The Kid and The Commitment; especially the former. Although it's mostly about his attempt to adopt a baby, in The Kid Savage has a lot of anecdotes about what it's like to be a gay adolescent and the difficulties in coming out. You might find a lot to relate to. But the books are pretty humorous so they don't come across as a preachy or heavy read, at least in my opinion.

Jason

You have the support of everyone on this board -- except the Christians. They still think you're going to burn. But otherwise, the rest of us warmly embrace you.

Erwin

You have the support of everyone on this board -- except the Christians. They still think you're going to burn. But otherwise, the rest of us warmly embrace you.

Hey, I don't think he will burn :P

Nine Boomer

You have the support of everyone on this board -- except the Christians. They still think you're going to burn. But otherwise, the rest of us warmly embrace you.

There's something special about how all of you were all accepting him; it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Zeehat

You have the support of everyone on this board -- except the Christians. They still think you're going to burn. But otherwise, the rest of us warmly embrace you.

Hey, I don't think he will burn :P

Have you read the Bible?

DarthFasa

You have the support of everyone on this board -- except the Christians. They still think you're going to burn. But otherwise, the rest of us warmly embrace you.

Hey, I don't think he will burn :P

Have you read the Bible?

I am about to pull an "Real Scotsman", but people who truly follow the bible won't say he will burn at least not for his homosexuality. The bible is clear about not judging people.

I don't have much advice to offer other than not telling your parents until you are out of their house. My prayers are with you.

Walker

You have the support of everyone on this board -- except the Christians. They still think you're going to burn. But otherwise, the rest of us warmly embrace you.

Hey, I don't think he will burn :P

Have you read the Bible?

Christians are perfectly free to pick, choose, and "interpret" all they like. The best ones do it quite often.

Erwin

You have the support of everyone on this board -- except the Christians. They still think you're going to burn. But otherwise, the rest of us warmly embrace you.

Hey, I don't think he will burn :P

Have you read the Bible?

There are many bibles, but then again I have not read the whole bible. I have read some of the old testament, pretty brutal stuff. But, really the most important thing for me come from the final commandment (that is not written in the ten commandments) that is to love your fellow human beings as if they were yourself. I think Catholicism changes drastically depending on the country where you are. It is true, for example the Creed in Spanish is way different than the one in English. And I think the same goes with atheism, here in America you can find cool atheists but in my country most of them are always sad or down. My theory is that they don't have a strong community or they are not open with their beliefs as you guys are. Talking about this makes me remember of Alan Turing

Diagoras

First of all, congratulations. I'm sorry it's such a tough situation. Anyway, my advice:The Savage Love Podcast

If you don't already know, Dan Savage is a gay man who has written a sex and relationship advice column for Seattle's alternative weekly The Stranger for close to 20 years. A couple years ago, he started up a podcast. I strongly recommend subscribing, and going through the archives. Hardly an episode goes by where he's not advising some poor gay kid in Cornfuck, Iowa about how to deal with his/her bigoted religious parents. Additionally, it's a pretty entertaining listen overall.

If you don't listen, the cliff's notes version is this: This is a huge shock to your parents, and it's going to take them time to come to terms with it. You have to be the bigger person. You have to teach them what's up. If they're worth having in your life, they'll come around eventually. Honestly, this may end up being the best gift you could have given them. If not, you can always tough it out a few more years and then move to New York or San Francisco or Seattle. Or maybe Austin, since you seem to be in Texas.

Good luck!

Thanks for the recommendation. I am sad to say though that I will just have to tough it out. I have a relative who my parents have accused of being gay, but he hasn't been in touch with us for a long time. If their treatment of him is any indication, I have no chance of bringing them to terms with the truth. I've stated before on this forum that I want to end contact with them. I would love to have parents who would love me for who I am. They want to love the son they wanted, not the godless heathen their real son is. That fact for me is hard to swallow, but the best thing for me is to leave. I don't want to hurt them, but sadly I must. My parents helped me through ADD and bullying, and by being there when I needed them. Where did they go? Why did they leave me? Great, now I'm crying.

As for moving on, what is Connecticut or Massachusetts like? If I have to leave, I might as well go somewhere where I have more rights.

You have the support of everyone on this board -- except the Christians. They still think you're going to burn. But otherwise, the rest of us warmly embrace you.

I appreciate the support, but this is not an issue of Christianity. It is an issue of bigotry and hiding it in one's religion. There are plenty of Christians who support gay rights. This is no time to generalize, nor is it the time to embrace hostility. Yes, the Bible espouses homophobia. So does the Koran. So does the Torah (which is the Old Testament in the Bible). I believe Harper Lee said it best: 'Sometimes the Bible in the hand of one man is worse than a whiskey bottle in the hand of (another)... There are just some kind of men who - who're so busy worrying about the next world they've never learned to live in this one, and you can look down the street and see the results.'

By the way, no offense.

ninjarabbi

My advice would be to try and find a place to go like you already are, but use that like a backup plan. Then when you are ready, tell you parents. That way if they react badly you have somewhere to go. I would give them some time and visit them in a few months to see how they feel then. I also live in a very bigoted area and I know If I were gay I would want to get the fuck out of here ( actually I still do but for other reasons. Mainly low intelligence). II remember once at lunch when a few of my classmates said something like gay people turn other people gay. I'm like "It's not a disease, They aren't zombies who will bite you and turn into some gay zombie." Good luck. You would be in my prayers if I had any.

P.S. If your parents don't like you anymore when you tell them, then fuck 'em you are probably smarter than both of them combined anyway.

Irascible

Do you have either gay or friends that are fine with people being gay you could stay with if your parents react badly? It's always good to have some people you can rely on

TheWhaleShark

I have a confession to make. I haven't been honest with myself. I for many years of my life thought I was straight. Recently, something happened that made me realize this wasn't so. Now I know for certain that I am gay. I already have problems enough being an atheist, but now I have to deal with this. What do you all think I should do? My parents are just as crazy as ever, although my dad has become more tolerant of me. I am stuck for the duration in their house. My brother is just as crazy, and I believe he has begun to suspect, especially due to the fact that I didn't react to his prank of papering my walls with gay porn. I feel alone right now, but there isn't much I can do.

I would advise that you not tell your parents until you no longer live with them or depend on them. I know that it's shitty to tell you to hide who you really are, and in 99% of cases I would advise that you simply be yourself and make people deal with it. However, in your specific situation, it sounds to me like the chances of them making your life even more miserable are pretty damn high. It sucks to be closeted, and it sucks even more that you're not in an environment that supports and nurtures your decisions, but the fact of the matter is you are, and you should do what is necessary in order to keep that situation from turning against you.

Once you're, say, in college, or otherwise free of your parents, tear that closet down and use it for kindling.

Also, congratulations on having the courage to admit to yourself who you really are. That's an important thing to do.

lackofcheese

If you don't want to tell your parents and feel bad about it, think about it this way: they don't even deserve to know the truth. You wouldn't go and expose yourself to a total stranger, would you? It's a really harsh thing to think, but if they're as bad as you suggest, then they haven't earnt it from you, and you should feel free to do whatever will work out best for you. As TheWhaleShark has said, the important thing is that you're not hiding the truth from yourself.

Of course, if you do want to stay close to your parents, hiding things like this from them will make that very difficult.

Churba

I came out(As bisexual) to my father by accident - He overheard me talking about it, drunk, at my leaving party just before I left for England. He didn't seem to mind, after I talked it all out with him. Unfortunately not much Advice I can offer here, because he's not religious, and his entire view was summed up to me as "The sum of who you are is not just who you like to fuck. You're no less my son today than you were yesterday, or will be tomorrow."

Diagoras

I would advise that you not tell your parents until you no longer live with them or depend on them. I know that it's shitty to tell you to hide who you really are, and in 99% of cases I would advise that you simply be yourself and make people deal with it. However, in your specific situation, it sounds to me like the chances of them making your life even more miserable are pretty damn high. It sucks to be closeted, and it sucks even more that you're not in an environment that supports and nurtures your decisions, but the fact of the matter is you are, and you should do what is necessary in order to keep that situation from turning against you.

Once you're, say, in college, or otherwise free of your parents, tear that closet down and use it for kindling.

Also, congratulations on having the courage to admit to yourself who you really are. That's an important thing to do.

Thank you for the advice. My college adviser tells me I'm halfway through my degree plan, and I should be able to finish it in about two years. I'd get a job to pay for a dorm, but can't find work right now. I think I can hold on for that long, so being in a closet shouldn't be that difficult. I've already been in another one, and would still be in it were it not for snoops. That won't be an issue now.

Diagoras

Do you have either gay or friends that are fine with people being gay you could stay with if your parents react badly? It's always good to have some people you can rely on

I have an uncle my parents condemn as gay, but he lives in California, and that would be out of the question. Other than him, I have no place to go. I have friends, but they are all in the dorms, and have no room. Not to mention the fact some of them are girls, and my university has no exemptions for gay men to share rooms with them.

ninjarabbi

I think I can hold on for that long, so being in a closet shouldn't be that difficult.

Just make sure they don't see any of your posts or anything and find out about this like they did about you being an atheist.

Diagoras

I think I can hold on for that long, so being in a closet shouldn't be that difficult.

Just make sure they don't see any of your posts or anything and find out about this like they did about you being an atheist.

I changed my password and I now keep it in a much safer place than my wallet.

ninjarabbi

I changed my password and I now keep it in a much safer place than my wallet.

That's good, but I was more afraid of them finding about these forums and finding out that you made this thread. You don't need a password for that.

Magnum_Opus

Read transcendentalist lit., Emerson and Thoreau. They'll be good for you in general and they also deal upon importance of individual. Start with Emerson's short essay "Self-Reliance".

Diagoras

I changed my password and I now keep it in a much safer place than my wallet.

That's good, but I was more afraid of them finding about these forums and finding out that you made this thread. You don't need a password for that.

They have porn blocking software, so I used that to block the forums. While they can figure out a password, they can't really do much else.