Through deep thought and self discovery, I have come to many conclusions about myself. I have come closer to becoming true to who I really am, for better and for worse.
But then I realize that a lot of people will think of who I am as a freak. I have to put up a facade, pretend I'm normal. The fact that there is so much ignorance, stereotyping, and hatred doesn't help at all. It's annoying that people seem to follow the hive mind, or perhaps form an opinion based on stereotypes as who I am. I bet I don't have to mention the drawbacks of stereotypes, especially considering that stereotypes hardly hold any weight to anyone that would congregate to this forum (like myself). Well, it's the internet so I can't really expect anything that bright.
Now I understand if I were to be myself at 100%, lots of people would be weirded out and I would turn into a social recluse. There's no way I would do that. We all have our secrets, right? You shouldn't really say that you're an obsessive collector of Hatsune Miku figures during your job interview unless it's somehow appropriate, and you sure as hell don't want to mention that foot fetish.
I must say, a lot of the time I always think "fuck societal norms, fuck 'em all to hell!" That's one thing English class has taught me. I almost never dress up unless my parents tell me to. I've grown my hair long since I was in 5th grade despite everyone teasing me about it. Yet there are times where the said fucking of societal norms will burn too many bridges; I recognize that certain norms shouldn't be fucked with unless you're prepared to face the consequences. When you get with your friends, however, those norms start to vanish. If anything, it is perfectly normal to yell "great, I'll grab my dick" among my friends (don't ask, seriously). Once I've been with my friends for a long time, I feel it's only fair for them to realise who I really am.
If anything, the main problem here and really the most important is that I am at a definite risk of losing some of my closer friends at the trade off of feeling free. If someone is going to be spending a large amount of time around me and with me, I want them to know who I really am, or else it starts to feel like I'm lying for my own gain.
Who I am is a large potential for hostility, and it makes me feel quite lonely. I shiver, not because my body is cold but because there is nothing to warm my heart.