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To Speak Up or Not?

edited August 2009 in Everything Else
I was just wondering what everyone might think of a situation I find myself in a little too often.

Several times, when Natalie and I go out, we hold hands. We're engaged, so we like to do that. However, with the both of us being girls, we are expectedly prone to asinine reactions every now and then. I don't mind stares, and no one has ever really passed a "your faggy souls will rot in hell" comment to us before. Those I would even find funny. What we get the most of are random men/boys on the street hitting on us. “How ‘bout I get between y’all and hold both y’all hands?” is the general gist. I can’t find these funny. I am utterly appalled and disgusted not only by the blatant sexual harassment and absence of all common courtesy, but by the fact that they really think so highly of themselves or so little of the substantiality of our relationship that they believe they are going to “convert” the both of us and we’ll come giggling over and each link onto a hairy arm.

My default response to this is just to ignore them. I tell myself that to a guy hitting on a girl, the worst thing a girl can do to his ego is act like she doesn’t even notice him. But sometimes I’m just dying to say something. Yesterday an older man shouted out asking if we were mother and daughter (which is inflammatory enough), and then immediately asked if we were lovers and if he could join in. Natalie called back, “Are you always drunk in the daytime?” His response was, “Aaaanytime.” I really had to fight an urge to just walk over to him and tell him off. I wanted to demand that he speak to my fiancée with the same respect due to any lady. Ideally, I’d have loved to punch him. If one of us were a guy, he wouldn’t have dared open his mouth for fear of being punched. It is downright infuriating to be treated with such abysmal disrespect based primarily on the assumption that neither one of us would be able to beat him up.

I’m still of the opinion that the best thing to do is be dignified and ignore them. I’m also aware that this is just something that comes along with publicly acknowledging a same-sex relationship. That doesn’t make it any less irritating. What would you do, if you were in that situation? Is it ever the better thing to do to just tell off a jackass like that?

(Sorry for the ramble. :P)
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Comments

  • Your problem is that you are intelligent people. Thus you are responding with intelligent complete sentences. That's just not going to work. To a drunken or stupid person, intelligent comprehensible language is just going to give them something to laugh about.

    You only have two options. One is to ignore completely. It's a safe and easy option.

    The other option is a witty retort, yet one that they can comprehend. This is difficult because if the delivery is off in any way, it won't work. You have to have perfect timing, perfect tone of voice, etc.

    For example you could reply to this:

    “How ‘bout I get between y’all and hold both y’all hands?”

    with this

    "Maybe after y'all get y'alls head out from between y'alls ass cheeks."

    I suggest you practice by playing highly competitive video games and working on trash talk.
  • Make some cards that read something like "Congratulations, you are the ___ person to make such an ignorant and insensitive comment today. If one of us was a guy you'd be getting a punch in the mouth instead of this card."

    This way you can be critical but stay silent.

    Also make up some other cards saying "Thank you for the offer of lesbian conversion. We'd like to decline, but if you are interested in this area of study, I have some gay friends who are looking to convert some straight men."


    PS. If you ever do want to try a threesome, my email address is luke@juggler.net. I'm currently single.
  • edited August 2009
    PS. If you ever do want to try a threesome, my email address is luke@juggler.net. I'm currently single.
    Well, I do have some gay friends who are looking for a third...
    Post edited by Churba on

  • Also make up some other cards saying "Thank you for the offer of lesbian conversion. We'd like to decline, but if you are interested in this area of study, I have some gay friends who are looking to convert some straight men."
    Uh, they ARE lesbians. Thus, they're not interested in these dudes bothering them.
  • edited August 2009
    First of all, I'm really sorry that you have to put up with that bullshit. It's just stunningly disrespectful, and if I had head-explody, guys like that would be near the top of my list. To answer your question, though -- it's hard for me to get inside the head of someone like that enough to know what would be the most devastating to them. Probably something that belittles their masculinity. As distasteful as it is, it probably is safest to just stay silent. Guys like these probably wouldn't shy away from hitting a woman. Maybe you can work on your "bored contempt" face. I can't imagine many of these guys actually think they have a chance here -- they're really looking to get a rise out of you. If you react strongly, you're giving them what they want.

    Also, seriously, since you're going to be dealing with this sort of thing for a long time (I'd say the rest of your life, but I'm cautiously optimistic that this sort of behavior will become very socially unacceptable within the next few decades), you might want to consider undertaking some serious martial arts training. Not a 2-day "women's self-defense" course -- something like judo, which really does allow a woman to beat up most men. That's something I'd recommend for all women, but especially women in your situation.
    Post edited by Funfetus on
  • PS. If you ever do want to try a threesome, my email address is luke@juggler.net. I'm currently single.
    Well, I do have some gay friends who are looking for a third...
    Hey, baby. Want to juggle my balls? Wait... no... that didn't... nevermind.

    Yes, the overt comments are horrid and disrespectful. But I don't think they are intended to delegitimize your relationship. More than likely, the idea of "conversion" never crossed the ape-man's mind; he is wired to believe that the only thing better than one woman in bed is two women in bed. He has this nebulous idea that even though he has only one cock, he can somehow have intercourse with the two of you at the same time. He believes the second woman will do *things* to add to the experience.

    I really don't think his comments have anything to do with gay/lesbian issues. They have everything to do with propping up his low self-esteem through a self-delusional assertion that he can have two of something.
  • I was just wondering what everyone might think of a situation I find myself in a little too often.

    Several times, when Natalie and I go out, we hold hands. We're engaged, so we like to do that. However, with the both of us being girls, we are expectedly prone to asinine reactions every now and then. I don't mind stares, and no one has ever really passed a "your faggy souls will rot in hell" comment to us before. Those I would even find funny. What we get the most of are random men/boys on the street hitting on us. “How ‘bout I get between y’all and hold both y’all hands?” is the general gist. I can’t find these funny. I am utterly appalled and disgusted not only by the blatant sexual harassment and absence of all common courtesy, but by the fact that they really think so highly of themselves or so little of the substantiality of our relationship that they believe they are going to “convert” the both of us and we’ll come giggling over and each link onto a hairy arm.

    My default response to this is just to ignore them. I tell myself that to a guy hitting on a girl, the worst thing a girl can do to his ego is act like she doesn’t even notice him. But sometimes I’m just dying to say something. Yesterday an older man shouted out asking if we were mother and daughter (which is inflammatory enough), and then immediately asked if we were lovers and if he could join in. Natalie called back, “Are you always drunk in the daytime?” His response was, “Aaaanytime.” I really had to fight an urge to just walk over to him and tell him off. I wanted to demand that he speak to my fiancée with the same respect due to any lady. Ideally, I’d have loved to punch him. If one of us were a guy, he wouldn’t have dared open his mouth for fear of being punched. It is downright infuriating to be treated with such abysmal disrespect based primarily on the assumption that neither one of us would be able to beat him up.

    IÂ’m still of the opinion that the best thing to do is be dignified and ignore them. IÂ’m also aware that this is just something that comes along with publicly acknowledging a same-sex relationship. That doesnÂ’t make it any less irritating. What would you do, if you were in that situation? Is it ever the better thing to do to just tell off a jackass like that?

    (Sorry for the ramble. :P)
    I can only imagine how aggravating that must be for the two of you, and I totally understand the need to give someone a good Buzz Aldrining. The jackasses who have a problem with a homosexual relationship, and subsequently give you shit about it, will never be swayed by words; they're too far gone for rational discourse to be effective. The jackasses who say, effectively, "I can change your mind," are equally difficult, but they're more easily ignored. It's more satisfying to shoot down an overly-macho jackass who thinks his dick is the answer to all of life's problems.

    So, go ahead and tell off the guys who think they can get in on that. You can at least have the satisfaction of bruising somebody's ego a bit. If they persist, though, you need to ignore them and walk away. The more irrational assholes also need to be ignored, because trying to get any satisfaction out of telling them off will only make you more aggravated. If you have an audience, you can Buzz Aldrin them and probably publicly humiliate them, but if there's no audience, I suggest ignoring them.

    Yes, it's hard, but it's the only way to really manage it. Beating your head against a brick wall only exacerbates things.

    If it gets too stressful, I highly recommend drinking gin and listening to very angry metal. It's how I get through the day.
  • I used to encounter this issue with my ex-girlfriends or when a guy assumed that bi-sexuality equated to the desire to have sex with anyone at any time. I used to ask these men if they would want their mothers spoken to like that. This put a few people in their place, but it sometimes elicited more hate filled comments. It is difficult to read how violent these sorts of people may become with provocation, so I would advocate caution, despite the satisfaction of a witty comment or card. However, you are the only person that can weigh the risk v. reward in these scenarios.
  • "Maybe after y'all get y'alls head out from between y'alls ass cheeks."

    I suggest you practice by playing highly competitive video games and working on trash talk.
    HAHA. Very nice. Oh, that is something I would definitely need to practice doing off the cuff.
    PS. If you ever do want to try a threesome, my email address is luke@juggler.net. I'm currently single.
    Unless you are entranced by the idea of at least one woman becoming visually ill to the point of gagging at the mere sight of your uncensored junk, I'd think it a bad idea.
    Also, seriously, since you're going to be dealing with this sort of thing for a long time (I'd say the rest of your life, but I'm cautiously optimistic that this sort of behavior will become very socially unacceptable within the next few decades), you might want to consider undertaking some serious martial arts training. Not a 2-day "women's self-defense" course -- something like judo, which really does allow a woman to beat up most men. That's something I'd recommend for all women, but especially women in your situation.
    That is something I've wanted for a very long time. There's a Kung Fu dojo down the block from us, but I have to wait until I can afford it. He offered me $500 for a year and I want to take him up on that, but I need to have a nice buildup in my savings account before I can consider that. :(
    I really don't think his comments have anything to do with gay/lesbian issues. They have everything to do with propping up his low self-esteem through a self-delusional assertion that he can have two of something.
    Then does he not believe in lesbians? Or rather, comprehend what one is?

    @Pete: One of the reasons I do want to take self-defense lessons is in case a Buzz Aldrining becomes inevitable. But I guess a verbal Buzz Aldrining plus a walk-away-and-ignore could be a nice balance in the right situation. Thanks. :)
  • That's a good point. A lot of those people make comments like that out of deep-seated insecurity issues - the guys who think with their dicks are mostly too insecure to use their brains - so it's hard to predict how they'll react. A lot of insecure people react very poorly when called out, and a few of them may turn to actual physical violence. At the very least, they turn to verbal violence very quickly. No matter what you do, proceed with caution.

    Y'know, you could always travel around with a good gay male friend and have him counter-harass the jackasses. I'm sure nothing will make an insecure jackass run away faster than a gay guy saying something like, "Oh, don't worry; I can change your mind."
  • Simple answer. Carry a snap camera, and take a nice photo any time it happens. Publish in a blog with comments.
  • I used to encounter this issue with my ex-girlfriends or when a guy assumed that bi-sexuality equated to the desire to have sex with anyone at any time. I used to ask these men if they would want their mothers spoken to like that. This put a few people in their place, but it sometimes elicited more hate filled comments. It is difficult to read how violent these sorts of people may become with provocation, so I would advocate caution, despite the satisfaction of a witty comment or card. However, you are the only person that can weigh the risk v. reward in these scenarios.
    Oh, I'm sorry. :( Bisexuals have it the hardest, I think, cuz people will make retarded assumptions about you no matter which side of the fence they're on.

    Basically, I don't think that I would ever think of beginning a confrontation unless I was in a large and substantial crowd. Preferably close to a public building to retreat into in a worst-case scenario.
  • Simple answer. Carry a snap camera, and take a nice photo any time it happens. Publish in a blog with comments.
    That is a wonderful idea. I would subscribe to this blog.
  • Then does he not believe in lesbians? Or rather, comprehend what one is?
    This is most likely the case. Many men cannot bring themselves to believe you would have no interest in their toilet parts. They think you are just chasing after the lifestyle out of rebellion or angst or a desire to be fashionable.
  • ......
    edited August 2009
    Unless you are entranced by the idea of at least one woman becoming visually ill to the point of gagging at the mere sight of your uncensored junk, I'd think it a bad idea.
    Hey now! His' is only a bit longer than yours. Wikipedia has a great image even.
    Then does he not believe in lesbians? Or rather, comprehend what one is?
    Ape-men throw poop, comprehension doesn't exist for them.
    Post edited by ... on
  • edited August 2009
    Simple answer. Carry a snap camera, and take a nice photo any time it happens. Publish in a blog with comments.
    That is a wonderful idea. I would subscribe to this blog.
    I don't know.. A site shaming homophobes would probably get you quite the anonymous backlash from the Internet's own abundance of homophobes.

    You could try explaining to people who hit on you how offensive they are and hurt you feel. That depends on the person though.
    Post edited by Omnutia on
  • A site shaming homophobes would probably get you quite the anonymous backlash from the Internet's own abundance of homophobes.
    Youtubing can't happen if you don't allow public comments.
  • A site shaming homophobes would probably get you quite the anonymous backlash from the Internet's own abundance of homophobes.
    Youtubing can't happen if you don't allow public comments.
    Why not let them comment? It's my experience that idiots will sink themselves if given a public forum.
  • A site shaming homophobes would probably get you quite the anonymous backlash from the Internet's own abundance of homophobes.
    Youtubing can't happen if you don't allow public comments.
    I was thinking more along the lines of abusive emails and hackery.
  • I suggest you practice by playing highly competitive video games
    or Monkey Island ^_~
    PS. If you ever do want to try a threesome, my email address is luke@juggler.net. I'm currently single.
    Well, I do have some gay friends who are looking for a third...
    Hey, baby. Want to juggle my balls? Wait... no... that didn't... nevermind.

    Yes, the overt comments are horrid and disrespectful. But I don't think they are intended to delegitimize your relationship. More than likely, the idea of "conversion" never crossed the ape-man's mind; he is wired to believe that the only thing better than one woman in bed is two women in bed. He has this nebulous idea that even though he has only one cock, he can somehow have intercourse with the two of you at the same time. He believes the second woman will do *things* to add to the experience.

    I really don't think his comments have anything to do with gay/lesbian issues. They have everything to do with propping up his low self-esteem through a self-delusional assertion that he can have two of something.
    I completely agree. For the most part, it's simply the case that a man talking like that to two women is twice as arrogant and/or has half the self-esteem of a man talking like that to one woman. Attributing that behaviour to an anti-homosexual agenda seems like an overly complex explanation.

    I would say that the line between flirting and sexual harrassment should be independent of the sexuality and relationship status of the person being spoken to. My advice is not to treat this kind of sexual harassment any differently from any other kind of sexual harassment.
  • Simple answer. Carry a snap camera, and take a nice photo any time it happens. Publish in a blog with comments.
    That is a wonderful idea. I would subscribe to this blog.
    I don't know.. A site shaming homophobes would probably get you quite the anonymous backlash from the Internet's own abundance of homophobes.
    And those people would only make such a blog even more lol-tastic.
  • Simple answer. Carry a snap camera, and take a nice photo any time it happens. Publish in a blog with comments.
    That is a wonderful idea. I would subscribe to this blog.
    I don't know.. A site shaming homophobes would probably get you quite an anonymous backlash from the Internet's own abundance of homophobes.
    That only makes it more interesting to read. Well, for me anyway, but I'm a bit of an asshole.
  • edited August 2009
    I would say that the line between flirting and sexual harrassment should be independent of the sexuality and relationship status of the person being spoken to. My advice is not to treat this kind of sexual harassment any differently from any other kind of sexual harassment.
    Further note: Buzz Aldrining is always an appropriate response to sexual harassment in general.
    Post edited by lackofcheese on
  • That only makes it more interesting to read. Well, for me anyway, but I'm a bit of an asshole.
    Aren't we all? ^_~ But I agree with loltsundere, it would make the blog more lol-tastic.
  • edited August 2009
    @Lol: I don't mean to put you off but you would need to be prepared for things to get really nasty. While it's unlikely, you'd be exposing yourself to harm from nutsos and even those close to you who would turn against you.
    While I think it's a good cause, I really don't want you to come to harm.
    Post edited by Omnutia on
  • edited August 2009
    I would say that the line between flirting and sexual harrassment should be independent of the sexuality and relationship status of the person being spoken to. My advice is not to treat this kind of sexual harassment any differently from any other kind of sexual harassment.
    I donÂ’t think that these types of guys are homophobic, just pigs. I think that they would treat a single woman the same way. The thing is, weÂ’re not single women. There is an issue involving the fact that weÂ’re a same-sex couple, that being that despite the fact that weÂ’re a couple, we are being hit on by a greasy pig. If said greasy pig started making such comments to your girlfriend while you were out holding hands with her, IÂ’m sure youÂ’d think he couldn't asphalt fast enough. To me, it adds an extra layer of offense that he will openly sexually harass a homosexual couple (because he thinks two women together are hot, not because heÂ’s homophobic) the same way he would harass a single woman. ThatÂ’s just how it feels from the harassed personÂ’s point of view.

    @Omnutia: While I appreciate your concern, I'm not afraid of the internets; and everyone that I am close to already knows and accepts who I am and whom I am with. :)
    Post edited by loltsundere on
  • edited August 2009
    Simple answer. Carry a snap camera, and take a nice photo any time it happens. Publish in a blog with comments.
    That is a wonderful idea. I would subscribe to this blog.
    The harasser would be very surprised, probably to the point of being made speechless. You could probably walk far enough away to be out of earshot before he could think of anything else to say.

    Of course, he might get upset and start to follow you. If you talked to him and told him that you would use the photo on a blog geared to make fun of people like him, it would further anger him. So, it might be a little dangerous.

    Still, I think it's a great idea. It would probably be very much like spraying him with mace or pepper spray in that he would be totally stunned. Just be prepared to run.
    Post edited by HungryJoe on
  • I would post the relevant Iron Monkey scene but, in searching for it, I've started watching Iron Monkey again..
  • edited August 2009
    And those people would only make such a blog even more lol-tastic.
    Actually, there is a feminist blog where girls snap pictures of guys who leer at or harass them and publicly post them. I think you should do it! It would be great! And even if there was backlash, I think you would get twice as many fans as foes. I would love something like that.

    Kung Fu would be so awesome. I always have fantasies about punching jerky people like that, but in real life I would only whip out the skills if I was actually in danger. Martial arts also helps get out anger and stress.

    It is so stupid. We were talking about this before, and I just can't comprehend what makes some dudes do this. Ick.
    Post edited by gomidog on
  • I had a martial artsy girlfriend a while back, and it was very intimidating and somewhat humbling to know she could probably kick my ass if she wanted to. I would advocate the martial arts for several reasons, not the least of which being that there's nothing more infuriating to an apeman than to have his ass kicked by a woman. And probably nothing more fun and satisfying for you.
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