I think I have a problem.

La Petit Mort

I think I have a sort of mental disorder, I've always had. But now it's the time where I think I should talk about it, but not with anyone I know personally.

Thus I come to this forum.

I'm always hurting people mentally, people I love and would give my life for, my fiancee, my friends, my family, I do this unconsciously, and I later feel guilty about it. But I have never been about to bring myself into admitting I was an asshole, I just don't, and it makes me feel even more guilty, to the point where it starts bothering me physically. I really don't know what to do. I'm not a depressed person, although sometime I do act without emotion, specially when something that should make me sad happens, such as the death of my grandmother, which I shook off.

I don't want to hurt the ones I love, yet I don't have enough money to do something about it. What do I do?

lackofcheese

Stop feeling guilty about it.

Honestly, though, all you need to do is exactly what you're avoiding now - talk to them about it. If you're always doing it, they're probably used to it anyway; if they know that's how you are they won't hold it against you.

Axel

I agree. Talk to them about it, reveal your problems to your loved ones. They will help you. If they like you the way you are now, they will like you even more as you try to move forward and be better.

La Petit Mort

I tried, many times. But anxiety holds on to me with an iron grip.

Axel

I know what that's like, trust me. I have numerous anxiety issues. Start with one person, maybe don't tell them the whole thing. You can ask about a specific thing you did, ask them if that was okay. You can say you felt bad about it, and wanted to apologize. Then they might initiate further conversation. If not, one apology is still better than none.

Ilmarinen

You have to talk to them... I was going through some stuff and I just called my mom today, they still care about, they'll treat you well when you do it. Just take out your phone and call someone withput thinking and lay it out on the line.

Churba

yet I don't have enough money to do something about it

There are charities that provide free Mental health services, you should be able to find them in your city, if not local area.

bugmenot

I second what Churba said. If there is anyway that you can get any help I recommend it. I went through this a couple of month ago. I noticed a pattern in my behavior that made me think I had a problem. I went to the doctor and was diagnosed. I have been getting help and dealing with my problems and my life is improving. I found that simply knowing if something is wrong helps because you don't have it hanging over your head. I'm sorry I could not be more helpful. I'm new to this too. The only thing I can say is that there is someone cheering you on. Good Luck!

Kate Monster

I tried, many times. But anxiety holds on to me with an iron grip.

Talk to a psychiatrist. Seriously. They can not only help with any anxiety, but they can also offer better advice than random people on the Internet that do not know you and have no access to your medical records.

Adelbert

Talk to a psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist => Psychologist
Talk to someone before taking pills.

Kate Monster

Talk to a psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist => Psychologist
Talk to someone before taking pills.

Psychiatrists do not as a default prescribe meds. They talk and evaluate as well as using medication as needed. Have you ever been to one? I have and I am speaking from experience. Psychiatrists are able to approach the problem with all possible resources.

George Patches

I'd just try to be less of an asshole.

Geo

I'd just try to be less of an asshole.

It's not as simple as that gedavids, sometimes it goes beyond the point of being able to just immediately stop. I'm not sure what Skye is suffering from since he hasn't divulged that kind of information (and he doesn't have to if he wish to do so), but there are people who have these problems that they cannot control with sheer will power alone. If by some kind of mumbo-jumbo I could trade away my place on the Autism spectrum, I would do it in a heartbeat as it has given me so much trouble throughout my life (my parents told me I never spoke a word until I was either 3 or 4 years old and they thought it was full-blown autism) and has hindered me in so many ways. I'll share one more short anecdote but that's it. Because Autism and other related mental disorders were not fully understood back then in the early nineties and people in higher positions made a lot of misinformed decisions and even treated such things with unfair prejudice. Because of my mental disorder, I could only make it to Kindergarten but the Board of Ed. barred me access from going to the 1st grade in a public school because of said misunderstandings, but I digress. The point I'm trying to make is that there are no simple and "light-switch" solutions to these kinds of problems, and problems like the ones Skye is referring to require outside help to get through.

Nuri

Talk to a psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist => Psychologist
Talk to someone before taking pills.

Psychiatrists do not as a default prescribe meds. They talk and evaluate as well as using medication as needed. Have you ever been to one? I have and I am speaking from experience. Psychiatrists are able to approach the problem with all possible resources.

This.

Psychiatrist -> a doctor (MD) who specializes in specializes in the prevention, diagnosis, and treatment of mental illness.

Psychologist -> a scientist (MA or PhD) who specializes in diagnosing and treating diseases of the brain, emotional disturbance, and behavior problems.

They are two are similar, but very technically different specialties. Psychiatrists have an understanding of the chemical processes that can lead to disorders, and they also provide counseling. The drugs they prescribe are generally designed to enable the patient to overcome the physical problem so that they can change their behavior pattern. Changing the behavior usually requires counseling, which the Psychiatrist performs. During the counseling, they are keeping tabs on the patient's changes and deciding if the drugs are effectively performing the job they are designed for.

HOWEVER, it can be cheaper to see a Psychologist sometimes, so it might be a good place to start if it's the only thing you can fine.

Adelbert

He clearly recognizes he has a problem, which sounds very much like a behavioral pattern: hurt people => guilt.
How should you break the circle? as Gegadavis eloquently put it "I'd just try to be less of an asshole.". That's not a problem to be fixed with medicine, it's understanding what motivates him to mentally hurt loved one, and avoiding it in the future.
Anyhow, go seek professional help.

La Petit Mort

Well, I generally notice after I do said acts, like if my brain went on autopilot for a couple of minutes.

Thanks for the help guys.

Nuri

It actually depends. Sometimes there are chemical problems in an area of the brain, as with depression, that make it very difficult to get past a certain behavior. Depression generally makes it difficult to DO things. Chemical imbalances produce behavioral patterns that are abnormal. It's not guaranteed that it's a problem that will be fixed with medicine, but it doesn't rule it out just because it's manifesting behaviorally.

Problems like Aspbergers prevent someone from properly picking up on social cues, often resulting in hurt to people around them. Problems like ADD can affect the way someone communicates and/or acts physically, sometimes resulting in hurting people. I don't think anyone but a doctor is really qualified to say whether drugs can help someone's situation or not.