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Changing and Ending Friendships
Some events happened recently that made me have to deal with this. I honestly don't know how to deal with this. To tell the truth, this particular group of friends was my first group of friends.
Before I just had people who were either associates or I was a matter of convenience for them. I was a loner up until 12 grade of my third high school. Between then and that awesome summer I met people that became the prototype of what we later called the Unadults. (Something we called ourselves since we never wanted to grow up.)
We've been through a lot and were close friends, but now things are supposedly falling apart. One of them were talking to me about it. How we don't hang out as much and some just don't want to. I explained that with our lives now (schooling, working, parenting) that happens. Simply were grown, so we have to make time and keep in touch. However, the case is some just don't want to anymore. Plus, apparently there has been some drama. I wasn't really aware of it since I have a no drama with the Viga rule for myself. Long story short, one friend wants it to be just Her, X and me since the other 3 either never want to do anything or just doesn't care anymore. She even wants to call them out on this intervention style. Me? I just don't want to abandon anyone or lose friends.
I don't really know how to handle a situation like this. Until 7 or so years ago I didn't really know how to be a friend. So I ask because most of you have a group of friends or used to have a group of friends. In other words, those with more life experience I guess. Those who were never so socially inept like I was.
Before I just had people who were either associates or I was a matter of convenience for them. I was a loner up until 12 grade of my third high school. Between then and that awesome summer I met people that became the prototype of what we later called the Unadults. (Something we called ourselves since we never wanted to grow up.)
We've been through a lot and were close friends, but now things are supposedly falling apart. One of them were talking to me about it. How we don't hang out as much and some just don't want to. I explained that with our lives now (schooling, working, parenting) that happens. Simply were grown, so we have to make time and keep in touch. However, the case is some just don't want to anymore. Plus, apparently there has been some drama. I wasn't really aware of it since I have a no drama with the Viga rule for myself. Long story short, one friend wants it to be just Her, X and me since the other 3 either never want to do anything or just doesn't care anymore. She even wants to call them out on this intervention style. Me? I just don't want to abandon anyone or lose friends.
I don't really know how to handle a situation like this. Until 7 or so years ago I didn't really know how to be a friend. So I ask because most of you have a group of friends or used to have a group of friends. In other words, those with more life experience I guess. Those who were never so socially inept like I was.
Comments
Granted, I don't have the life experiences many people on the forums do, and the friendships I can think of offhand that I've handled in such a way still have a their own issues. However, I've found that things work out better when my friends and I are sincere with each other.
And that's not to say being honest can't also hurt. I've been in that place, too. It's sometimes a choice between the lesser of evils, and what's going to be best for YOU in the long run. If you think that if you don't call them or choose to hang around with them for awhile, they will definitely miss you, go for it. You risk losing their friendship altogether that way. If you want to keep them as friends, and you feel like it's an issue you really need to talk about, I would go with that option, even if being honest also means risking the friendship. At least then, you know that you've said what you're thinking and feeling and they know that you still care about them, even if you have to be brutal about the situation.
Also, most of the time I take the Goku approach, I leave for the longest time and then I suddenly appear out of the blue and it is so surprising that it goes full circle and it seems like time hasn't pass at all. That is what I did when I went back to Peru a couple of years ago, some of my friends had kids or got married but suddenly it look as if we were back in our younger days again :P
It will get better believe me
It's really up to you. If you wish to hang out with all of your friends, try your best to hang out with them (not all at the same time). Otherwise as the others say, just leave them alone for some time.
What's sad for me at the moment is all this drama going on with one of my friends. I'll spare the details, but it boils down to her being mad at a friend for a really stupid reason. She's taken it to the point where she doesn't want anything to do with the other friend or her tastes (she won't watch Firefly because the friend also likes it). We're all sick of it, but I still hang out with her and wish she'd get over it.
I, personally, have a 3 strikes rule.
If I try to initiate hang-outage with you and you blow me off or something comes up, that's cool. It happens. I'll try again. So let's say I call you a second time, and it happens again. Less cool, but I'm willing to give you another chance. If it happens a third time, with no attempt by you to initiate anything in the meantime, then you are off the list of people I actively try to hang out with. It is now up to you to contact me if you want to do something. I assume that if you do not contact me, then you couldn't care less about spending time with me, and you are not worth my time to pursue as a friend.
Note that an important part of this is that the other person doesn't attempt to contact you or initiate anything between the first attempt and the last attempt. Obviously if you are calling me or trying to work out a plan and work or kids (or whatever) ends up intervening, that's a different situation. At least call me or IM me every once in awhile to show you give a shit. There's a maximum amount of "I'll call you later" without followthrough that I will put up with.
Option 2 is a well-placed cockpunch.
EDIT:What beard?
If someone you care about has a genuine problem, then help them with it. If it is self-created problem, an invented problem, or a fixable problem and they refuse to fix the problem, then there is nothing you can do other than point out the problem, point out the solution, and walk away until they handle it. Another case-in-point: A friend of mine in high school was seeing a jerky guy. The guy made her feel terrible, but she stayed with him because she "loved him". I told her to break up with him, but she didn't. From that point on, any time she even started to talk about him or the issues he created in her life I would interrupt her and say "Don't talk to me about it until you break up with him." She stopped talking to me all together eventually and I was fine with that.
A guy I considered my best friend made in high school started drinking, smoking bales of weed, experimenting with other drugs, and excluding me from events because he "didn't think [I'd] be interested" and started hanging out with a group of people I considered born losers, idiots, and burnouts. He began to claim that he "had [me] all figured out" and that I only do things for the approval of others or for an interesting anecdote. Things got really bad no matter how many times he'd explain that he was drunk, high, or hadn't had a drink when he said that stuff. I think he still considers us friends. I'm not sure I do.
One of the girls I hung with had some extreme issues (alcoholism, anorexia, bulimia, BDD, and a host of others). I gave up late senior year after realizing that she showed no interest in helping herself. Another girl became a horrific egocentric bitch who treats me like trash, trivializes my interests, and turns any conversation about my issues when the group is together to how she has it worse. I only tolerate her for the usage of her house when we all get together (don't judge me), but otherwise she's completely out of my life.
Two girls who are each a year older than myself were in this group. One is shallow as a puddle, and the other is judgmental and crazy. I do not associate with either of them.
A third girl remains one of my best friends; however, I harbor an intense yet well-hidden dislike for her boyfriend, who is quite literally brain damaged from years of experimental drug use (inhalants + opiates, anyone?) and the two of them lack any sense of restraint when together. I suspect she only likes him because he is dangerous. I'm still tight with three other guys from that original group, and we get along really well; one of them goes to school with me and we meet up every so often (usually in conjunction with Model UN). The other two are quite awesome, yet I see them rarely.
If this entire thing taught me anything, it's that high school friendships are built to fail, and the only ones that don't are the only ones that were worth keeping in the first place.
In general, I'm just saying that if friends stop being people you want to hang out with, then just back off for a while and see what they do first. Perhaps you all feel the same about each other, so the problem will just go away without any effort.