I've been losing my fucking grip these past few days. This isn't good. I can't afford this right now.
Do it. Find a hotline to talk to or something.
In other news: I read through this thread recently. It's silly, but I sometimes forget that there are absolutely real and cool people behind the forum names. As is common for my adopted culture to say: "Y'all are alright."
I'm not currently suffering from any depression, and the low dose of anti-anxiety stuff I'm currently on has been fantastic about combating my GAD/PTSD. So I'm rapidly approaching normal.
However! I am fully supportive of talking to anyone who would want to talk. I may not be able to offer any good advice (I try not to, since I'm not really qualified) but I can listen and joke and play video games or whatever.
I've been losing my fucking grip these past few days. This isn't good. I can't afford this right now.
Have you went to someone?
I tried, but they quickly changed the subject. I haven't had anyone I trust nearby who's equipped to deal with it.
I mean professionally. Even a hotline can help you out when the feelings get too strong.
I've had to delay both my counseling and psychiatrist appointments by weeks because of illness and changes in schedule. I almost called a hotline the other day, but I've lost my phone, and by the time I had access to one I didn't feel the need anymore.
Winter in Michigan is like hell for me. I get at most a couple of hours of sunlight in the freezing early morning. By the time I get off of work it's dark and its been overcast on my days off. I'm probably going to start tanning, seasonal depression on top of other depression is no good.
Fact: living with someone who is depressed and has no ambition makes me angry and depressive.
Listening to my roommate talk about how much she doesn't want to be in school (in the same major I'm in, mind you) and how she's PROUD to not have a social life other than on the internet is one thing, and that's tedious enough. Listening to her make underhanded remarks/insults to me whenever she's around/I'm home just makes me want to scream. The first place I've had that has been MY HOME feels very much not homey when she's being like this. I don't want to spend any time here, and that bothers me. It's one of those, "well, don't listen to her then" type situations, but I feel stuck because we're relying on her to pay rent/keep the lease so we can keep the place, so I feel forced to live with her and stressed out that in order to keep living here, I'll likely have to find ANOTHER new roommate after this semester, because she's talking about taking time off or switching majors or switching schools.
Her intensely negative attitude about school and being in this town is contagious, and her casual insults just make me constantly question myself.
Basically, she doesn't care, because why should she care about my life when she's not really invested in her own right now? Also the fact that she's busy subtly convincing me I'm a bad person, to the point that I sort of believe it.
I should note, I'm TRYING to treat her well, but I don't really feel like I get much or any respect or friendship in return. She nitpicks over who my friends are and makes snide comments about a lot of them and it's all masked by this cool attitude as if she's like, "I'm your friend, what are you talking about?" kind of thing. But when shit happens, it's the people she criticizes and acts superior to that are there while she brushes me off.
Winter in Michigan is like hell for me. I get at most a couple of hours of sunlight in the freezing early morning. By the time I get off of work it's dark and its been overcast on my days off. I'm probably going to start tanning, seasonal depression on top of other depression is no good.
I feel you there, man. I've had the same problem too. Especially when I had a fucked up sleep schedule so I slept through most of the daylight anyway. Where exactly in Michigan are you?
I love my apartment. I love the location, the space, the rent's reasonable, and my other roommate is great. That aside, I have to have an affordable place I can live year-round because of my messy family situation. I loved my roommate... when she first moved in. And I want very much to theoretically still be her friend... but I don't think she really wants it from me anymore.
She nitpicks over who my friends over and makes snide comments about a lot of them and it's all masked by this cool attitude as if she's like, "I'm your friend, what are you talking about?" kind of thing. But when shit happens, it's the people she criticizes and acts superior to that are there while she brushes me off.
This is probably true, however I do have to make the best of it one way or another for at least the rest of the semester, assuming she actually goes to class and doesn't end up having to medical drop this semester too.
She also has this extreme vendetta in which she's determined to convince me that my best friend is an idiotic asshole who doesn't care about me in the least. Considering how many people like to say shit already, it's not helpful to my self esteem.
I should just suck it up and not let her get to me, in all honestly. I just felt extremely compelled to vent after several days of strung together smile-and-insult-me type of conversations. It's getting to me even though I don't want to let it.
Easy to say, hard to do. Being in the same major means we need to do a lot of working hours in the same shop during the same windows of time. I will have to work with her in a pleasant way academically/"professionally", and this will be much easier if there isn't tension from home as well.
I should just suck it up and not let her get to me, in all honestly. I just felt extremely compelled to vent after several days of strung together smile-and-insult-me type of conversations. It's getting to me even though I don't want to let it.
You shouldn't feel that bad about that part though, since your situation is so much tougher because you actually live with her. If you didn't, it would probably be easy enough to just minimize interaction with her and that would be the end of it, but that doesn't really work out if you are forced to into the same space as her every day. Even if you shut yourself in your room or go out all the time, there's still a base-level of communication that has to go on in order for your household to function. It's hard to not let it get to you when you, literally, have to live with it.
It's a matter of simply disciplining myself to not take what she says to me, about me, or about my friends to heart. Just shrugging it off. I'm getting slightly better about it, but her attitude is turning more and more sour and that's making it more difficult. I've soldiered on through worse, so I really should just suck it up and deal. Let her be pissed off and unmotivated if that's what she wants.
What breaks this attitude is that in costume design, we rely on all the majors to take a certain division of the work. If she says she can/will and then doesn't follow through, our professors know we live together and end up asking me a ton of questions. More than once I've had to explain her issues away AND pick up the slack in her work.
Also, if she has a crush on me, that's just sad, since she's UBERCHRISTIAN HOMOPHOBIC and has a boyfriend.
Winter in Michigan is like hell for me. I get at most a couple of hours of sunlight in the freezing early morning. By the time I get off of work it's dark and its been overcast on my days off. I'm probably going to start tanning, seasonal depression on top of other depression is no good.
Ask the Finns for advice. If the UP is bad, I'm sure it is worse further north. Although Winter up in the UP, pretty rough from what I know of it. Advice from me: Get a sunlamp, eat lots of fish, and exercise all you can.
Winter in Michigan is like hell for me. I get at most a couple of hours of sunlight in the freezing early morning. By the time I get off of work it's dark and its been overcast on my days off. I'm probably going to start tanning, seasonal depression on top of other depression is no good.
Ask the Finns for advice. If the UP is bad, I'm sure it is worse further north. Although Winter up in the UP, pretty rough from what I know of it. Advice from me: Get a sunlamp, eat lots of fish, and exercise all you can.
Winter in Michigan is like hell for me. I get at most a couple of hours of sunlight in the freezing early morning. By the time I get off of work it's dark and its been overcast on my days off. I'm probably going to start tanning, seasonal depression on top of other depression is no good.
Ask the Finns for advice. If the UP is bad, I'm sure it is worse further north. Although Winter up in the UP, pretty rough from what I know of it. Advice from me: Get a sunlamp, eat lots of fish, and exercise all you can.
Last semester was rough for me, with demanding yet unfulfilling classes, phil leaving town, and being off my meds. I started boozing too much (too many drinks, too many times a week), which made me moar depressed -> drink moar. My body began hurting something serious, like constant and intense full-body hangover/cramps (I'm guessing super dehydration + sad organs). I'm grateful for that though, because I got very scared and stopped the poison. Now, at most, I drink one or two drinks a week. Any more than that, and it's making an appointment with depression.
Sometimes, I wonder if I should start my meds again; the side effects of extra motivation (among other things) would be nice, especially with looming graduation and uh.. other life plans (: I feel proud of how well I've been doing without them.. but that is potentially rooted in invalid cultural norms. The fear and uncertainty surrounding the break-in period does concern me. I'd need a safe two-three weeks to have mood swings and/or potentially break-down.
Anyway, I'm glad this thread exists... Back when I was super-religious, having problems was always taboo. Public image and judgement was everything. That is a sad hollow place. It's good to have somewhere to be my honest and imperfect self. I wish I could give you all hugs and apple pie (gluten-optional).
Comments
In other news: I read through this thread recently. It's silly, but I sometimes forget that there are absolutely real and cool people behind the forum names. As is common for my adopted culture to say: "Y'all are alright."
I'm not currently suffering from any depression, and the low dose of anti-anxiety stuff I'm currently on has been fantastic about combating my GAD/PTSD. So I'm rapidly approaching normal.
However! I am fully supportive of talking to anyone who would want to talk. I may not be able to offer any good advice (I try not to, since I'm not really qualified) but I can listen and joke and play video games or whatever.
Listening to my roommate talk about how much she doesn't want to be in school (in the same major I'm in, mind you) and how she's PROUD to not have a social life other than on the internet is one thing, and that's tedious enough.
Listening to her make underhanded remarks/insults to me whenever she's around/I'm home just makes me want to scream. The first place I've had that has been MY HOME feels very much not homey when she's being like this. I don't want to spend any time here, and that bothers me.
It's one of those, "well, don't listen to her then" type situations, but I feel stuck because we're relying on her to pay rent/keep the lease so we can keep the place, so I feel forced to live with her and stressed out that in order to keep living here, I'll likely have to find ANOTHER new roommate after this semester, because she's talking about taking time off or switching majors or switching schools.
Her intensely negative attitude about school and being in this town is contagious, and her casual insults just make me constantly question myself.
Also the fact that she's busy subtly convincing me I'm a bad person, to the point that I sort of believe it.
I should note, I'm TRYING to treat her well, but I don't really feel like I get much or any respect or friendship in return. She nitpicks over who my friends are and makes snide comments about a lot of them and it's all masked by this cool attitude as if she's like, "I'm your friend, what are you talking about?" kind of thing. But when shit happens, it's the people she criticizes and acts superior to that are there while she brushes me off.
I loved my roommate... when she first moved in. And I want very much to theoretically still be her friend... but I don't think she really wants it from me anymore.
She also has this extreme vendetta in which she's determined to convince me that my best friend is an idiotic asshole who doesn't care about me in the least. Considering how many people like to say shit already, it's not helpful to my self esteem.
I should just suck it up and not let her get to me, in all honestly. I just felt extremely compelled to vent after several days of strung together smile-and-insult-me type of conversations. It's getting to me even though I don't want to let it.
She might have a crush on you but lack the social skills to express her interest.
What breaks this attitude is that in costume design, we rely on all the majors to take a certain division of the work. If she says she can/will and then doesn't follow through, our professors know we live together and end up asking me a ton of questions. More than once I've had to explain her issues away AND pick up the slack in her work.
Also, if she has a crush on me, that's just sad, since she's UBERCHRISTIAN HOMOPHOBIC and has a boyfriend.
Advice from me: Get a sunlamp, eat lots of fish, and exercise all you can.
Note the conspicuous absence of greentext.
Also, yes, I had a Catholic best friend for many years who dated girls for awhile. Now she's resolved to be bi, but still...
Sometimes, I wonder if I should start my meds again; the side effects of extra motivation (among other things) would be nice, especially with looming graduation and uh.. other life plans (: I feel proud of how well I've been doing without them.. but that is potentially rooted in invalid cultural norms. The fear and uncertainty surrounding the break-in period does concern me. I'd need a safe two-three weeks to have mood swings and/or potentially break-down.
Anyway, I'm glad this thread exists... Back when I was super-religious, having problems was always taboo. Public image and judgement was everything. That is a sad hollow place. It's good to have somewhere to be my honest and imperfect self. I wish I could give you all hugs and apple pie (gluten-optional).