It's hard realizing that something that has been a constant for you for 13 years is no longer something you want to be a part of. I went to Anime Boston yesterday morning, had a nice time with Nate, realized there was nothing I wanted to do there, and left. I haven't finished an anime since Yurikuma the week before Anime Boston 2015, and someone who hasn't watched an anime in a year just doesn't fit in at an anime con. It seems surreal to me that an Anime Boston is happening and I'm not at it. Giving up PAX was difficult but at the same time I didn't have as deep a connection to it. Anime Boston has been a staple in my life going back to when I was six. Perhaps more frightening is that I have nothing to replace it with. I'm losing the social megalopolises I had and I'm not finding new ones. As I abandon the things that were once meaningful to me, I have trouble finding replacements.
I need to instead say yes to the great guy I know I am. But I forget those qualities exist when I need them most. I feel like I am constantly trying to be the great guy but to acknowledge that I’m trying is to admit that I’m not that person.
I connect to that statement. (So, I know, when people are vulnerable with one another, it's easy to offer solutions as opposed to empathy. Take the following with as many grains of salt as needed, these are just things that helped me.)
1. There's a concept in a book called The Four Agreements that is rooted in the idea of the transient self. It says that what defines your best self will shift from circumstance to circumstance, moment to moment. It isn't always being the ultimate best self that matters, but rather doing the best you can at any given time, kind of like how even a professional runner does not run their top speed every second, every race, or every second of a race.
2. I have a terrible memory for certain things. I think my brain reacted to my life events by reformatting whole areas, maybe even salting the earth (metaphorically, of course). They also say depression is like a marble following a worn groove in the brain's network, that the negative is easier to recall and has more impact on the emotional state. Whatever the reason, I found that a daily journal of ONE healthy effort I had done that day, helped keep those things real. It can be basic things, like doing the dishes -- or bigger things, like being aware of my mental state & telling someone I need space. It can be going to sleep or waking up on time. It can be taking the time to write in the journal and reflect on your day! Depends on you, but the point is to recognize the daily efforts you make that would otherwise go forgotten. Then, it is always there to remind you when you need it (and, I think, wear different grooves in your brain).
It's hard realizing that something that has been a constant for you for 13 years is no longer something you want to be a part of. I went to Anime Boston yesterday morning, had a nice time with Nate, realized there was nothing I wanted to do there, and left. I haven't finished an anime since Yurikuma the week before Anime Boston 2015, and someone who hasn't watched an anime in a year just doesn't fit in at an anime con. It seems surreal to me that an Anime Boston is happening and I'm not at it. Giving up PAX was difficult but at the same time I didn't have as deep a connection to it. Anime Boston has been a staple in my life going back to when I was six. Perhaps more frightening is that I have nothing to replace it with. I'm losing the social megalopolises I had and I'm not finding new ones. As I abandon the things that were once meaningful to me, I have trouble finding replacements.
I sort of know how you feel. Not as much with big events not interesting me but more just things in general not interesting me as much. Sometimes its depression and sometimes its just something that sort of happens. It doesn't have to be permanent though. You haven't necessarily fallen out of love with Anime or other things. For whatever reason you don't do something you like for a long time, maybe you were in a dark period or maybe just busy, and it just gets hard to get back into it. You might start for a minute but get distracted or disinterested for some reason. But if you push yourself start doing that thing again you might find how much you actually still like that thing. Just try watching an episode here or there and you might get back in the swing of things and want to go next year. Watch One Punch Man or something.
I sort of know how you feel. Not as much with big events not interesting me but more just things in general not interesting me as much. Sometimes its depression and sometimes its just something that sort of happens. It doesn't have to be permanent though. You haven't necessarily fallen out of love with Anime or other things. For whatever reason you don't do something you like for a long time, maybe you were in a dark period or maybe just busy, and it just gets hard to get back into it. You might start for a minute but get distracted or disinterested for some reason. But if you push yourself start doing that thing again you might find how much you actually still like that thing. Just try watching an episode here or there and you might get back in the swing of things and want to go next year. Watch One Punch Man or something.
Funny you mention One Punch Man, as I just watched the first episode and didn't really care for it.
The issue isn't really the disinterest in anime. It's more like this interest used to provide certain things to me emotionally and my new interests haven't provided those things. Leaving anime cons isn't the issue, it's that finding the next thing is going to be difficult and scary. When you've been in a system your whole life the day when you need to find a new system that provides the same thing is going to be very difficult and frightening. It's going to be a long time until I'm as embedded into something musical as I was embedded into Anime Boston.
And let me be clear, I know this isn't a real problem. I'm not even sure if it's depression or just growing up, but it felt emotionally heavy enough it warranted this thread instead of Random Comments or something.
Yeah it can be tough discerning the cause but do you know the specific emotional things its provided you? If anime cons aren't your thing anymore maybe music festivals or concerts (non Springsteen related) could partially fill that void, especially being a musician and all. Plan-it-X fest is this summer. That seems up your alley.
Yeah I've been trying to shift into concerts for a while. I would have started earlier but the War on Children kept me out of most venues for my first three years of serious interest. Festivals are more difficult as Boston Calling is kinda lame and everything else requires travel. Anime cons were always funded by my parents. I hope I can get out to PIXFest (especially since it might be the last one, what with Chris Calvin discontinuing the label) but the resources aren't here yet. With normal concerts I have the issue of not really knowing what's normal because I'm so new at it.
TL;DR yeah I'm working on it, it's just not there yet.
So I'm moving into a new 1-bedroom apartment in 2 months. Mom and I signed the lease and everything and I get to go there at the last two months of August. But I'm trying to think about how I'm going to survive getting through the two months living at home without some kind of mental recourse.
For the past 7 months, I've been dogsitting for my uncle as he drives all the way to PITTSBURG every day as he gets an apartment. I got to the point where I wanted to stop because my uncle still hasn't gotten his own place to live, nor paid me, and is completely uncommunicative to anyone else in the family. My mom agreed to the conditions on me getting a new place to live, but that means I stop helping my uncle period...this is fine, but my mom is still paying for the rent and utilities of the place he lives at. (The family from their father that they have split ownership of)
I have grown so much animosity for my brother and dad beyond belief. Dad is just an unhappy fuck who sits on the couch all day, angry at everything and nothing, and wants me to stay home yet keeps asking when I'm leaving. Meanwhile he'll freak out when someone walks past his TV or if food is left in the fridge. I've mentioned my brother several times, but his bad tendencies just increase tenfold of assholish attitude, narcissism, MRA/Libertarian/Trump-dick-sucking nature, all media is bad, etc, etc...I'm tired of helping them. My respect for my brother is completely gone and I only have a sliver for it left.
And with all these pains, I continue to be weighed down by just the constant amount of tragedy and pain going on. Orlando shootings, Trump popularity, Brexit, Police Corruption, and idiotic people. I also have a second job doing taxes for my great uncle...which is easy, but holy shit nurses get involved in the worst, LOUDEST drama ever. Jesus christ, combine allegations of malpractice with balancing checks...
The weight of all this has manifested in pain for a while. Not self-harm but a constant dull, heavy pain on my shoulders and head about 50% of the time. I have really good days and then bad days where I feel like shit and get nothing done. I'm still seeing my therapist but can't see him again until the 7th. I'm constantly loosing things or forgetting duties. People lately have started to see me make vacant, sad faces a lot but I don't wanna talk about them.
I'm still kept afloat thanks to writing articles, supporting Facebook friends, girlfriend, mother and my continued love for TV, film, beer, coffee, and travel. But fuck, I can't stand the rest of my family. I need to help relax or find ways to take breaks from them in my own house because I feel like if I have a huge arguement or verbal fight with them, the few threads of this family will finally snap.
My job at Freedom Trail was basically a perfect fit for me, but it's a seasonal position. At the end of next month I'll need a new job. I know that I could find somewhere else that fits well, but it's exceptionally unlikely. I did ask if Freedom Trail has other openings, so they have my resume on file and know I'm here if they need me, but the soonest they'd be hiring would be January, and it would be for a significantly more difficult position.
This isn't crippling like the clinical depression I've had in the past, but it's really demoralizing.
There's something strangely inspiring in Doug Stanhope's book Digging Up Mother. He reads his middle school psychological evaluation, and points out that everything the professionals found concerning became a pillar of his success as a comic.
So I busted out my prototype game that I've been slowly working on. My gf is part of a girls only geek group and shed mentioned I was making a game to someone in that group and they wanted to play it.
They said they really liked it, seemed genuine when they said it, gave positive feedback and some negative but overwhelmingly positive. I should feel good but all my dumb ass brain is doing is finding reasons to be depressed. I need a new brain.
I don't know if I actually don't want a job right now or if my anxiety around it is so immense that I'm convincing myself that so that I don't have to face it.
I think anxiety around looking for and interviewing for new jobs is very common. I get severe performance anxiety during interviews. So much so that I went to the doctor about it. I don't know why, it just happens without fail even if I know I'm prepared and going to do well.
Not feeling depressed but trying to come to terms with something...
My relationship with my fiance has been somewhat strained recently and I had been worried that I was going to lose her. The problem is that I get sad when everything is going fine and she gets frustrated because she can't help and we end up playing pass the parcel with a package of sadness.
I went to my mum to confess this situation and see if she had any insights or advice. I've gone to my mum many times over the years but never with any problems that had any real consequences.
Her advice was to seek out an antidepressant drug to pick me back up. I would rather get to the root of the problem than mask the symptoms and because my life is generally pretty good I said I was wary to go down that path.
What she said next shocked me. "Don't worry about that, I used to put them in your food all the time after your dad left". She revealed she'd done it for years to make me happy.
My dad left when I was about 11 and I had to look after my younger brothers when my mum worked all hours. I did a great job at that and forged strong and loving bonds with all of them. But into adulthood I've constantly felt something missing and become depressed and weak periodically. I've been calling it the shadow.
My fiance has studied psychology and development and she says that slipping me antidepressants at a formative and turbulent time could be a major factor in my moods.
I want to ignore it and pretend my mum didn't do that, then I don't have to worry about it, I can keep on blaming myself and taking responsibility for my own actions. Or I could face up to it and blame my mum for doing wrong by me (I don't think I was depressed because I had a good reason to be sad at that time) and see if this new information can help me figure out what to do when I feel like that and I can't even pretend to be myself.
Holy fuck. Is that real, or would she just say something like that to make it "OK" for you to take them? I'm really curious which one. And where she was getting it from. It's not like they are sugar pills that make people happy, they do all kinds of different things. I'm sorry man, if she's telling the truth that's terrible.
Not feeling depressed but trying to come to terms with something...
My relationship with my fiance has been somewhat strained recently and I had been worried that I was going to lose her. The problem is that I get sad when everything is going fine and she gets frustrated because she can't help and we end up playing pass the parcel with a package of sadness.
I went to my mum to confess this situation and see if she had any insights or advice. I've gone to my mum many times over the years but never with any problems that had any real consequences.
Her advice was to seek out an antidepressant drug to pick me back up. I would rather get to the root of the problem than mask the symptoms and because my life is generally pretty good I said I was wary to go down that path.
What she said next shocked me. "Don't worry about that, I used to put them in your food all the time after your dad left". She revealed she'd done it for years to make me happy.
My dad left when I was about 11 and I had to look after my younger brothers when my mum worked all hours. I did a great job at that and forged strong and loving bonds with all of them. But into adulthood I've constantly felt something missing and become depressed and weak periodically. I've been calling it the shadow.
My fiance has studied psychology and development and she says that slipping me antidepressants at a formative and turbulent time could be a major factor in my moods.
I want to ignore it and pretend my mum didn't do that, then I don't have to worry about it, I can keep on blaming myself and taking responsibility for my own actions. Or I could face up to it and blame my mum for doing wrong by me (I don't think I was depressed because I had a good reason to be sad at that time) and see if this new information can help me figure out what to do when I feel like that and I can't even pretend to be myself.
I am a fan of medication (better living through chemistry) because it can legitimately help, but holy fuck that is not OK for your mom to have done. Not at all. I'm sorry you're going through this, but your mom is 100% in the wrong here, and you have every right to be mad as hell.
I have no advice for how to proceed, but at least know that someone else hears you and thinks that situation is total bullshit.
I've done some digging around today to see if I can identify what she'd been giving us...
Because she'd never had any contacts I'm just looking at things she could have just bought. She'd got no money at the time either so nothing too expensive...
Once she tells you, you should talk to a psychiatrist. You need to know what its effects on a developing brain would be. That many years of unsanctioned medication must have effected how your mind works today.
Wow that is fucked up. Yeah I'm not sure about the first one, since there are plenty of different herbal remedies for depression and such that could have any number of things in them, so who knows what it was if she gave you one of those. St. Johns Wort does seem likely though, because its so well known for it's use as an antidepressant. Of course, its way stronger than most people need, and because its "natural" they take it along with other antidepressants and can die or get really fucked up. A lot of antidepressants in general either aren't recommended or just aren't approved for children because we don't know how it will affect them, so if she gave you something that strong starting at age 11? Who knows.
First, In NO WAY am I attempting to justify a parent secretly dosing their kid with antidepressants; that's screwed up and I hope you are able to figure out what she gave you and assess what impacts it might have had.
But setting that aside for a moment, it's not necessarily about a psychological "root cause" that you can identify and mentally overcome. Sometimes chemicals are just chemicals, in that there can be a physical cause for feeling low, which could warrant a physical treatment.
It sounds like the lows you're experiencing are starting to outwardly impact other aspects of your life, like your relationship with your fiancee, in a negative way. It might be worth at least broaching the topic with your doctor and seeing what options your health care provider might make available, which could include anything from talk therapy to drugs.
I'm not saying abandon trying to figure out if there are psychological things going on in parallel. Just don't avoid seeking medical treatment because of the negative stigma our culture puts on mental health struggles.
But setting that aside for a moment, it's not necessarily about a psychological "root cause" that you can identify and mentally overcome. Sometimes chemicals are just chemicals, in that there can be a physical cause for feeling low, which could warrant a physical treatment.
Also setting the issue with your Mom aside and building upon the above, there is this horrible stigma around antidepressants and mood stabilizers. Totally Guy, it sounds like you are buying into said stigma. I am not encouraging you to seek out drugs as part or all of your treatment, but you shouldn't dismiss them or treat them as a last resort.
For years, I insisted on behavior modification therapy as the only method of treating my mood disorder. I was convinced that 1) I could get through the problem by sheer force of will and 2) that meds would turn me into someone else. It didn't work, so I switched therapists - thinking the therapist was a "bad fit." However, she highly recommended a mood stabilizer. She convincingly argued that I could not do the necessary work to address my problems/build healthier habits while fighting to just feel okay. She also reminded me that if I didn't like the particular med, we could try another or just go without meds at any time. Thank goodness I listened to her! After a slow ramp up on a mood stabilizer, I felt something I had not felt since childhood - unburdened. I was still me, but my moods didn't rule me and my feelings were less volatile and, oddly, more poignant because they were a result of what was happening in my life and not predetermined by my body's chemistry. My therapy sessions became about my relationships - with others and myself - instead of the endless battle with mood swings.
You've got work to do and only you and your medical professionals can make the best decisions about your treatment, but I encourage you to reassess your stance on medications.
I was still me, but my moods didn't rule me and my feelings were less volatile and, oddly, more poignant because they were a result of what was happening in my life and not predetermined by my body's chemistry.
^^^ this this this Sometimes, when people find a good fit, they say they feel "more like themselves" in a way that they couldn't before.
I actually found the "it makes you a different person" thing very helpful. Being me was so painful, being offered something to change who I was sounded awesome.
While I've never had to deal with depression (thank goodness) I have had to deal with anger a lot in my life. It's never explosive, but a deep, long burning, all consuming flame. Meditation and mindfulness exercises really helped me in my teen years when it was at its worst and it still really helps now. If you haven't already tried it, it might be worth a look.
Sometimes chemicals are just chemicals, in that there can be a physical cause for feeling low, which could warrant a physical treatment.
Well, I mean, heck, all emotions are just complex biochemical interactions. Mental health is physical health, because it's mediated by physiological interactions. I think part of the stigma we have in this country is that we falsely separate "mental" health from other kinds of health, and the conversation around "mental health" downplays its very real physiological underpinnings as a result of that.
Emotions are messy and complicated, but they're just as physical as getting a cut.
So yeah, better living through chemistry. It's a good thing. For real.
Actually, I did move back to Baltimore. It was a hard thing to do, because I had to leave a job I liked that was incredibly stable. It was also one of those state jobs that's virtually impossible to lose.
I gave that up and came here even though I didn't have anything lined up other than a one-month document review gig. Then I landed a job with a solo firm in Rockville about three weeks after I got back.
That should make me happy, shouldn't it? Well, actually no - my boss turn out to be an asshole (Trump supporter all the way), and all we do is car crash personal injury and worker's comp. Rockville is an hour away from my apartment and, what with the other counties he has me going to, I drive an average of 500 miles per week, NOT COUNTING the two hours a day I'm commuting back and forth from the office.
So, I haven't had any time to meet anyone, I'm depressed as hell over my work, I'm questioning whether I even did the right thing in the first place, and now with the holidays coming, it's just been hard to get out of bed each day. In the job I left, I used to eagerly get out of bed, because I was always happy about work - I just didn't like where I lived.
I'm currently sending resumes all over the place. I had two interviews last week and I have one scheduled for this week. If I don't get something like that before long, I'm going to just go out on my own. I found an office sharing arrangement close to my apartment and the downtown courthouses - interestingly, the guys in this office actually represent a famous criminal client, so it would be very fun just being present in their office - it's just very, very scary thinking about not being able to count on a certain level of income each month.
It's the holidays that get to me though. I'm going to be totally alone, AGAIN and it looks like that's not going to change anytime soon. I'm really at the point where I'm hoping that some old man thing like a stroke or a heart attack comes along quick, because I'm just about out of faith that anything good is left.
Fighting Depression by Staying Awake I've experienced being a little more giddy with a bit of sleep deprivation. Cool to see some scientific validation.
Comments
1. There's a concept in a book called The Four Agreements that is rooted in the idea of the transient self. It says that what defines your best self will shift from circumstance to circumstance, moment to moment. It isn't always being the ultimate best self that matters, but rather doing the best you can at any given time, kind of like how even a professional runner does not run their top speed every second, every race, or every second of a race.
2. I have a terrible memory for certain things. I think my brain reacted to my life events by reformatting whole areas, maybe even salting the earth (metaphorically, of course). They also say depression is like a marble following a worn groove in the brain's network, that the negative is easier to recall and has more impact on the emotional state. Whatever the reason, I found that a daily journal of ONE healthy effort I had done that day, helped keep those things real. It can be basic things, like doing the dishes -- or bigger things, like being aware of my mental state & telling someone I need space. It can be going to sleep or waking up on time. It can be taking the time to write in the journal and reflect on your day! Depends on you, but the point is to recognize the daily efforts you make that would otherwise go forgotten. Then, it is always there to remind you when you need it (and, I think, wear different grooves in your brain).
The issue isn't really the disinterest in anime. It's more like this interest used to provide certain things to me emotionally and my new interests haven't provided those things. Leaving anime cons isn't the issue, it's that finding the next thing is going to be difficult and scary. When you've been in a system your whole life the day when you need to find a new system that provides the same thing is going to be very difficult and frightening. It's going to be a long time until I'm as embedded into something musical as I was embedded into Anime Boston.
And let me be clear, I know this isn't a real problem. I'm not even sure if it's depression or just growing up, but it felt emotionally heavy enough it warranted this thread instead of Random Comments or something.
TL;DR yeah I'm working on it, it's just not there yet.
For the past 7 months, I've been dogsitting for my uncle as he drives all the way to PITTSBURG every day as he gets an apartment. I got to the point where I wanted to stop because my uncle still hasn't gotten his own place to live, nor paid me, and is completely uncommunicative to anyone else in the family. My mom agreed to the conditions on me getting a new place to live, but that means I stop helping my uncle period...this is fine, but my mom is still paying for the rent and utilities of the place he lives at. (The family from their father that they have split ownership of)
I have grown so much animosity for my brother and dad beyond belief. Dad is just an unhappy fuck who sits on the couch all day, angry at everything and nothing, and wants me to stay home yet keeps asking when I'm leaving. Meanwhile he'll freak out when someone walks past his TV or if food is left in the fridge. I've mentioned my brother several times, but his bad tendencies just increase tenfold of assholish attitude, narcissism, MRA/Libertarian/Trump-dick-sucking nature, all media is bad, etc, etc...I'm tired of helping them. My respect for my brother is completely gone and I only have a sliver for it left.
And with all these pains, I continue to be weighed down by just the constant amount of tragedy and pain going on. Orlando shootings, Trump popularity, Brexit, Police Corruption, and idiotic people. I also have a second job doing taxes for my great uncle...which is easy, but holy shit nurses get involved in the worst, LOUDEST drama ever. Jesus christ, combine allegations of malpractice with balancing checks...
The weight of all this has manifested in pain for a while. Not self-harm but a constant dull, heavy pain on my shoulders and head about 50% of the time. I have really good days and then bad days where I feel like shit and get nothing done. I'm still seeing my therapist but can't see him again until the 7th. I'm constantly loosing things or forgetting duties. People lately have started to see me make vacant, sad faces a lot but I don't wanna talk about them.
I'm still kept afloat thanks to writing articles, supporting Facebook friends, girlfriend, mother and my continued love for TV, film, beer, coffee, and travel. But fuck, I can't stand the rest of my family. I need to help relax or find ways to take breaks from them in my own house because I feel like if I have a huge arguement or verbal fight with them, the few threads of this family will finally snap.
This isn't crippling like the clinical depression I've had in the past, but it's really demoralizing.
They said they really liked it, seemed genuine when they said it, gave positive feedback and some negative but overwhelmingly positive. I should feel good but all my dumb ass brain is doing is finding reasons to be depressed. I need a new brain.
My relationship with my fiance has been somewhat strained recently and I had been worried that I was going to lose her. The problem is that I get sad when everything is going fine and she gets frustrated because she can't help and we end up playing pass the parcel with a package of sadness.
I went to my mum to confess this situation and see if she had any insights or advice. I've gone to my mum many times over the years but never with any problems that had any real consequences.
Her advice was to seek out an antidepressant drug to pick me back up. I would rather get to the root of the problem than mask the symptoms and because my life is generally pretty good I said I was wary to go down that path.
What she said next shocked me. "Don't worry about that, I used to put them in your food all the time after your dad left". She revealed she'd done it for years to make me happy.
My dad left when I was about 11 and I had to look after my younger brothers when my mum worked all hours. I did a great job at that and forged strong and loving bonds with all of them. But into adulthood I've constantly felt something missing and become depressed and weak periodically. I've been calling it the shadow.
My fiance has studied psychology and development and she says that slipping me antidepressants at a formative and turbulent time could be a major factor in my moods.
I want to ignore it and pretend my mum didn't do that, then I don't have to worry about it, I can keep on blaming myself and taking responsibility for my own actions. Or I could face up to it and blame my mum for doing wrong by me (I don't think I was depressed because I had a good reason to be sad at that time) and see if this new information can help me figure out what to do when I feel like that and I can't even pretend to be myself.
I have no advice for how to proceed, but at least know that someone else hears you and thinks that situation is total bullshit.
Just wow dude.
Because she'd never had any contacts I'm just looking at things she could have just bought. She'd got no money at the time either so nothing too expensive...
This fits the description:
http://www.balancingblooms.com/cheer-up/
as does this
http://biovea.net/uk/product_detail.aspx?PID=7409&TI=GGLUKR&C=N&gclid=CjwKEAjwkJfABRDnhbPlx6WI4ncSJADMQqxdD61VPYuzwZXXwyUTaQ_5wKwPrxO89sddDQHZvcvV_xoCQ9Tw_wcB
These don't look too harmful. The first one is probably a placebo. The second, not sure.
A placebo wouldn't work if you don't know you're taking it and she swore it worked really well... But that could be a confirmation bias...
But this was 1994 so maybe things were different then.
I tried calling up to ask her but she's not picking up her phone. She'll tell me when I ask.
But setting that aside for a moment, it's not necessarily about a psychological "root cause" that you can identify and mentally overcome. Sometimes chemicals are just chemicals, in that there can be a physical cause for feeling low, which could warrant a physical treatment.
It sounds like the lows you're experiencing are starting to outwardly impact other aspects of your life, like your relationship with your fiancee, in a negative way. It might be worth at least broaching the topic with your doctor and seeing what options your health care provider might make available, which could include anything from talk therapy to drugs.
I'm not saying abandon trying to figure out if there are psychological things going on in parallel. Just don't avoid seeking medical treatment because of the negative stigma our culture puts on mental health struggles.
Also setting the issue with your Mom aside and building upon the above, there is this horrible stigma around antidepressants and mood stabilizers. Totally Guy, it sounds like you are buying into said stigma. I am not encouraging you to seek out drugs as part or all of your treatment, but you shouldn't dismiss them or treat them as a last resort.
For years, I insisted on behavior modification therapy as the only method of treating my mood disorder. I was convinced that 1) I could get through the problem by sheer force of will and 2) that meds would turn me into someone else. It didn't work, so I switched therapists - thinking the therapist was a "bad fit." However, she highly recommended a mood stabilizer. She convincingly argued that I could not do the necessary work to address my problems/build healthier habits while fighting to just feel okay. She also reminded me that if I didn't like the particular med, we could try another or just go without meds at any time. Thank goodness I listened to her! After a slow ramp up on a mood stabilizer, I felt something I had not felt since childhood - unburdened. I was still me, but my moods didn't rule me and my feelings were less volatile and, oddly, more poignant because they were a result of what was happening in my life and not predetermined by my body's chemistry. My therapy sessions became about my relationships - with others and myself - instead of the endless battle with mood swings.
You've got work to do and only you and your medical professionals can make the best decisions about your treatment, but I encourage you to reassess your stance on medications.
this this this
Sometimes, when people find a good fit, they say they feel "more like themselves" in a way that they couldn't before.
Emotions are messy and complicated, but they're just as physical as getting a cut.
So yeah, better living through chemistry. It's a good thing. For real.
Every year I say, "Maybe things will be better next year." I'm starting to lose faith that they ever will be.
Hope things get better.
I gave that up and came here even though I didn't have anything lined up other than a one-month document review gig. Then I landed a job with a solo firm in Rockville about three weeks after I got back.
That should make me happy, shouldn't it? Well, actually no - my boss turn out to be an asshole (Trump supporter all the way), and all we do is car crash personal injury and worker's comp. Rockville is an hour away from my apartment and, what with the other counties he has me going to, I drive an average of 500 miles per week, NOT COUNTING the two hours a day I'm commuting back and forth from the office.
So, I haven't had any time to meet anyone, I'm depressed as hell over my work, I'm questioning whether I even did the right thing in the first place, and now with the holidays coming, it's just been hard to get out of bed each day. In the job I left, I used to eagerly get out of bed, because I was always happy about work - I just didn't like where I lived.
I'm currently sending resumes all over the place. I had two interviews last week and I have one scheduled for this week. If I don't get something like that before long, I'm going to just go out on my own. I found an office sharing arrangement close to my apartment and the downtown courthouses - interestingly, the guys in this office actually represent a famous criminal client, so it would be very fun just being present in their office - it's just very, very scary thinking about not being able to count on a certain level of income each month.
It's the holidays that get to me though. I'm going to be totally alone, AGAIN and it looks like that's not going to change anytime soon. I'm really at the point where I'm hoping that some old man thing like a stroke or a heart attack comes along quick, because I'm just about out of faith that anything good is left.
I've experienced being a little more giddy with a bit of sleep deprivation. Cool to see some scientific validation.