Okay, I searched for a topic or even discussions like this, but couldn't find them. Partly because of the new software, but mostly because I've just been too depressed to really search exhaustively.
So, if you have an objection that this has already been discussed, or that this is stupid, tell it to the marines. I don't care. I'll just erase it by whispering the topic to myself (if that still works).
I've been thinking some lately about what I would look for in a mate if I were looking now and knowing what I know now. This does not mean that I'm getting ready to be unfaithful or anything. This is more of just a contigency list, or maybe even a reminder to myself if reincarnation exists, about things I'd like to see in a potential mate.
CAUTION - SOME OF THESE ARE MEANT TO BE JOKES.
1. No smoking - I know, sounds funny from me. I have no problem with smoking in and of itself, but things have gotten so difficult lately with regards to smoking that being with someone who smokes regularly severely limits your prospects of doing things. It's hard to go to the movies, the mall, to a restaurant, a bar, or just about anyplace, especially when the person can't go for more than two hours without a cigarette. This is a major problem.
That being said, I really don't mind the occasional smoking, and she should not mind the occasional smoking. She just can't have a regular habit that makes it difficult to go out.
2. I was going to say no lawyers, but one good thing about most lawyers is that, because of their training, they're much more liable to allow you to say what you want, and then respond, without a lot of interruptions. Seriously - if there's one thing that most lawyers have in common, it's that they'll let you speak and finish what you want to say before they respond. I really like that. I hate it when people interrupt.
3. She needs to have a healthy appreciation for geeky, nerdy things in all forms.
4. If she's one of those people who think they need a TV on all the time for background noise, she must be satisfied with the music channels.
5. She must appreciate certain types of music. If her only comment about Jpop, Jazz, or Blues is, "That's too strange", then it's not going to work.
6. She must not have a problem with owning firearms, motorcycles, or explosives.
7. It's okay to watch a rom-com every once in awhile, but no one needs to see 27 Dresses more than 27 times. Lemma: No Goldie Hawn. Ever. Corollary: No Julia Roberts, especially the execrable The Runaway Bride. That's one of those movies that, if I were the male lead, would have lasted about fifteen minutes. "Oh, so the story is that she always runs away at the altar? Am I supposed to find that attractive? Charming? Endearing? Well, sorry, but I don't. She's not that great a catch. Also, I don't think I could afford to pay for all the toothpaste she must go throught to clean those enormous teeth. I'm out." Steel Magnolias is straight out. There is nothing funny or worthwhile about that movie. I know, because I've unwillingly seen it more times than I've seen Star Wars.
9. She must not have a problem with big dogs, like Dobermans, or black cats.
10. She must realize that people cannot read her mind. Why is this so hard? If you want something, just ask for it. I cannot make the determination that you want me to go out and get you a slice of cheesecake at 10:00 p.m. on a Tuesday night solely based on your body language.
11. She must not have this "style" predilection do popular with women of a certain age - that they basically want their house to look like a zen garden. I like roccoco, art-nouveau, victorian clutter. Deal.
12. The house does not have to be as clean as an operating room at Mercy Hospital.
13. Pizza is good. She must like pizza.
14. She must not have superhuman senses. I am so tired of being told that a bar smells bad or that a Yankee candle smells good. Bullshit! First of all, a bar is supposed to smell bad, and I really don't believe you can smell that stupid candle. This also applies to super-hearing. If you're asleep in the bedroom on the main floor of a house with a white noise machine supplying a "Beach Sounds" track, you cannot hear me in the basement watching, The Magnificent Seven. Don't tell me you can, because I don't believe it. I can barely hear it myself, and I'm sitting less than two feet away.
15. If we have a fireplace, she must not constantly worry that the house will catch afire if there are more than tow pieces of wood in the fireplace.
16. If you need ten pair of black shoes, don't question my need for ten different Batman Action Figures. Lemma: Don't freak out if I have a sword. It's just a replica. It's not functional. It's not dangerous. In fact - stop it with the worrying about how everything is dangerous.
17. Seriously, if you're going to watch the many, many hours of all that wedding and fashion bullshit they have on TV these days, you can surely tolerate me watching We Were Soldiers every once in awhile. Lemma: She must be able to tolerate horror movies - and tolerate them without complainign that she'll "have nightmares". The only nightmare I've had that was caused by a horror movie in the past thirty years was concerned with how badly made the movie was. I dreamed that I was the director and everyone laughed at me because my movie sucked. That's the type of nightmare that a horror movie might give me.
18. I'm a bad driver. I know I'm a bad driver. My driving sucks. If you date me for awhile, you'll know it sucks too. Armed with this knowledge of my lack of driving skill, don't ask me to drive you somewhere and then criticize my driving. You know that I don't do it well. If you want a professional driver, catch a cab.
19. If you don't complain about how many books I have, I won't complain about how many stuffed animals you have.
20. If I ask if you know what the weather will be like, I don't need to know the dew point, or which low and high pressure fronts are in conflict overhead. If I want to hear from Al Roker, I'll track him down. All I want to know from you is if I need an umbrella.
21. If you watch a movie, watch it. Don't do your makeup, pick your toenails, tweeze out stray moustache hairs, get up and fix an english muffin with jam, etc. There are things going on in the movie. I normally wouldn't care, but I know that, after you've settled down, you'll want me to fill you in on the movie as if I'm the CliffsNotes for the movie. Take some Ritalin and sit still.