Otaku RPG

One Sin

I'm workin' on a story right now. It mostly pokes fun at anime and video game cliches while throwing in some randomness of its own.
Please give your honest and brutal opinions. After all, how else will I improve my crappy writing? >_<
PS: Umm does anyone know how to make a poll?

Katsuhiko Tenshi is a average high school boy who gets average grades, lives in a average home, has no girlfriend, and goes to an average school. He plays video games and hangs out with his geeky friends. He's kind and loves to help his friends. He spends his days dreaming about being magically swept to a fantasy world where he'd become a hero with some ancient power and hit it off with royalty because no one gives a flying fuck about him in real life.

This story isn't about him.

Sayoko Ando is at the top of her class at a prestigious academy. She's part of a wealthy family and lives in a mansion. Boys drool over her and she's a superb tennis player. She's also a royal bitch and crossing her means social excommunication. She spends her days pondering her ascent into the worlds of business and politics.

One day after watching her goons beat up Katsuhiko for spilling tea on her shoes, she mysteriously passes out.

When she woke up, she found herself being watched by an old lady dressed in common clothes.

Old Lady (reaching out to touch her): Ah! I see you're up, milady-

Sayoko: Get your damn, dirty hands off me, peasant!

Old Lady: I'm sorry but-

Sayoko: What the hell do you think you're doing putting me in this room?! It's much too small. If my hair isn't properly ventilated, it goes off center!!! And this bed! What's with these cheap sheets?! Do I look like some bourgeoise?!

Old Lady: But- But-

Sayoko: And what the hell are you doing in here?! I may catch some commoner's disease! Have you no brain?!

*The old lady breaks down into sobs*

Sayoko: But most importantly, what the fuck am I doing here?!

*The door slams open as guards rush in and grab Sayoko, dragging her away.*

*Within minutes, she's onto the floor of a dining room with a huge, rectangular table with a man in a flamboyant outfit sitting across the room, feasting on roast chicken.*

Sayoko (standing up): Are you some kind of fat ass pimp-?

Nobleman (interrupting): You shall not speak unless spoken to. I am the lord of this estate and i shall make this brief. You fell out of the sky. We found you. A prophecy foretold this. You are the maiden who will slay the darkness and restore balance and-

Sayoko (bored): If you're going to give me that cliché RPG-fodder bullshit, at least make it somewhat amusing. Adjectives help a lot, buddy.

Nobleman: SILENCE! As I was saying, rather than bringing you to the king, I will now-

Sayoko: Info gap much? If you're going to bore me, then get your info straight, you fat fuck.

Noblemen (clenching his fists and turning red): Insolent wench! You're going to make me king of the world! Got any problems with that?

Sayoko: Take a guess, you retarded swine.

*She jumps up onto the table, dashes across, picking up a long steak knife along the way. Before the noble or his guards could react, she was upon him, her knife just barely touching his neck.*

Sayoko: For one, the world would be fucked with you at the helm, fatso. On the other hand, if I’m THAT powerful, I think I’m gonna have some fun.

*She grins a devilish grin*

One Sin

Out of Story: Hope y'all don't mind me postin' twice in a row.

On the 153rd day of the 9998th year of the celestial calendar, Lord . . . umm whatever his name is was thrown into the dungeon of homoerotic agony never to be seen again.

*Sayoko sits on a throne-ish chair, observing her new servants when a man in fancy military armor runs into the room.*

General: You called, milady?

Sayoko: About fucking time you got here, General . . . err . . .

General: Francis. Francis, the Lord of Staves.

Sayoko: Staves? That's the lamest thing I’ve ever heard!

Francis: Well, blades, bows, and spears were taken and I wanted to be original . . .

Sayoko: . . . Moving on, I want you to gather the mightiest warriors of this realm and bring them to me!

Francis: Alright . . .

*Half an hour later*

Sayoko: What?! I tell you to bring the best of the realm and you bring me this collection of rejects?!

Francis: Well, the previous lord already drove out our best warriors so . . .

Sayoko: Oh great. I might as well be picking teams in Special Ed.

*Sayoko closes her eyes, spins around, and randomly points at one of the “warriors” Francis brought.*

*Her finger lands on a somewhat muscular man with a longsword on his back.*

Sayoko: Who are you and why the hell should I hire you?

Alfonso: I am Alfonso. I want to defend the world against the evils that plague-

Sayoko: Next!

*A klutzy girl stumbles up to her*

Sayoko: Well?

Angela: I’m Angela. I’m a seemingly helpless girl, but in reality, I’ve descended from an ancient race of celestials and have hidden powers beyond mortal-

Sayoko: Francis! What does the scouter say about her BS level?

Francis: It’s over 9000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sayoko: WHAT 9000?!

Angela: So . . . . do I get the job?

Sayoko: . . . Get out.

*A gruff man wearing heavy armor and carrying a large blade steps forward*

Sayoko (yawning): You interview him, Frenchie.

Francis: I’m not a Frenchie, you demented bit-

*SLAP*

Francis: *Sniff* Please stop! Frenchie will be good! Frenchie promises! Errrr . . . . (to the newcomer) Why should we hire you?

Boris: I like swords.

Francis: Fair enough. What is your defining characteristic?

Boris: I like swords.

Francis: I see . . . And your previous experience in this field?

Boris: I like swords.

Francis: Outstanding! I think we’ve found our-

*SLAP*

Sayoko: Next!

*An angst-ridden teen slithers up to the “throne”*

Sayoko: What’s so special about you?

Teen: My life is a living hell. They try to make me something I’m not. My blood boils every time I think about it. How they imprisoned me. How they rejected me. How they left me to-

Sayoko: Blah. Blah. Blah. ALL parents are like that, so either grow a pair or get out, Shinji.

*Finally, a twitching being hidden under red robes moves forth, his hands grasping his robes.*

Sayoko: I swear if you flash me, I’m gonna chop your flashlight off and give it to Mr. Angstfest over there.

One Sin

Magnus: N-n-no! I-I am a m-m-mage.

Sayoko: O Rly?

Magnus: Y-Ya R-R-Rly.

Sayoko: Alright then, let’s see your powers, but tell you what. You’re going to show our men what you can do. Succeed, and you’ll be my right-

Francis: Ahem.

Sayoko: *Sigh* Left hand man.

Magnus: R-really?

Sayoko: BUT, there’s a catch. If you don’t live up, I’ll have them chop off your legs before impaling you and leaving you to rot. Off we go!

*In front of the barracks*
-------------------------------------
*Several hundred soldiers stand at attention while Sayoko, Francis, and Magnus face them.*

Sayoko (pointing to a huge boulder): Well?

Magnus: O-okay.

*He holds his hand toward the boulder. For a moment, his hand glows with a scarlet aura.*

Sayoko: . . . Well, that was lame.

*Suddenly, a fireball the size of a giant’s torso bursts out of a seal on Magnus’ palm, obliterating the boulder and raining debris everywhere.*

Sayoko: I think we have our winner!

*Just as everyone starts cheering, another fireball rips through the air, detonating in front of a group of soldiers.*

Sayoko (to Magnus): What the fuck are you doing?!

Magnus: Fireball . .. Fireball! FIREBALL!!!!!!!

*He sprays the area with fireballs. Soldiers and civilian spectators alike flee in terror.*

*After a few minutes, Magnus collapses.*

Francis: At least he’s powerful . . .

Sayoko: . . .

*SLAP*

One Sin

*Outside a mid-sized town a few days later*
------------------------------------------------------
*Sayoko, Francis, Magnus, and several lesser officers stand around a map of the area around the town.*

Francis: I suggest we send a diversionary force to the front and moon them until they puke. Then, we can sneak around to the back entrance and-

Sayoko: You’re gay, aren’t you?

Francis: WHAT?! Where the hell did that come from?!

Sayoko: Well, you have an affinity for rear doors . . .

Francis (mouth wide): . . . . .

Magnus: W-we could hurl burning chunks at them before rushing in.

Sayoko: You sick son of a bitch. Where are we gonna get that much puke?!

Magnus: T-that’s n-n-not w-what I m-m-m-m-meant.

Sayoko: Sureeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

*Screams come from outside. The group rushes out.*

*As Sayoko, Magnus, and Francis step out of the tent, they witness a scene of total chaos. Sayoko's soldiers are desparately fighting off crazy women leaping about in bondage gear and men bound by shackles. They're losing, though, because the enemy has claws while they only have . . . staves?*

Sayoko: . . . Why the hell are our men fighting with sticks?

Francis: Staves.

Sayoko: . . . I see i'm not going to get a good answer out of you. Magnus, attack!

Magnus: J-jesus christ, lady, I'm not a pokemon!

Sayoko: JUST DO IT!

*Magnus hurls lightning bolt after lightning bolt at the enemies until the immediate area is littered with Kentucky Fried Wierdos.*

Sayoko (picking up one of the surviving enemies, a male): Where did you come from?

Guy (pointing to the town): T-the other side.

Sayoko: That's it? No resistance? No defiant glare? No lies?

Guy: They don't pay me well . . .

Sayoko: Alright then . . .

Sayoko (to Francis): Kill him.

Francis (raising his weapon): With pleasure.

Guy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

*Francis brings down his weapon without mercy.*

*Thump*

Sayoko: Thump?

Francis: Errr . . .

Sayoko: Did you just try to kill him with a stick?

Francis: Staff.

Sayoko: Whatever! It's a big-ass dildo for all I care! Now shut up before I show you how to use one the hard way!

Francis: Eep!

Sayoko: Bah! March! We're going to pay our neighbors a visit.

*Sayoko and her army march away.*

Guy: Umm, guys? I'm not dead, just paralyzed from the neck down . . . Hello? Guys? God damn it. Oh well. I still saved money on my ca-

Francis (lunging at the cripple): RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

One Sin

Ooh, though crowd. Well, the rest of what I have at the moment isn't very different style-wise. Any suggestions on how I can improve?

GreatTeacherMacRoss

I think that it's a bit over-the-top. It may be what you are going for, but I think it would need to be toned down a notch. Incidentally, the story goes down a road we've all seen before. (name) is a typical Japanese school(gender) who (personality qualities) and doesn't have a (intimate companion of opposite gender). This is a tough tough place to start because a lot of people, even myself, will write something off entirely if it has those cliches in them.

One Sin

That's odd. I thought the opening paragraphs slapped the whole typical "fantasy/lucky geek person" thing across the face. Any ideas on how to get that point across more clearly?

Toning it down might help, but the idea is to bash cliches. I'm not sure how to do that subtly.

Anyway, I'll put up the remainder of what I have currently, but I'll see what I can do when writing future parts. Thankies!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*The slaver base on the other side of the village*
--------------------------------------------------------
*A woman in an elaborate leather outfit sits in a tent. On each side of her, a man fans her with a palm leaf. Her feet rest on a man on his hands and knees. Next to one of the men stands a woman covered in leather straps with a blindfold over her eyes and gauntlets with blades protruding from them.*

*A glass-wearing girl carrying a huge pair of scissors on her back walks in.*

Glass-Wearing Girl: Lady Hilda, the raid was a success. We captured roughly 50 suitable men. But-

*Hilda sits upright.*

Hilda: But what, Mari?

Mari: One of our squads didn’t return and the predators have reported an encampment on the other side of the town.

*The insane-looking one in the leather straps stirs.*

Gwenyth: Should I deal with them?

Hilda: Hmmm . . . What do you think, Mari-?

*Mari is teasing a man with her scissors. He flinches as the blades glide just over his skin.*

Mari: Heh heh. Keep very still! Otherwise, my fingers might just slip-

Hilda: Mari! For the last time, don’t mess up the merchandise!

Gwenyth: *Ahem* Your orders?

Hilda: Let’s welcome them to the neighborhood. Heh heh.

*They head out and their army of male slaves armed with crappy swords (if anything) led by women in outfits similar to Hilda’s wielding whips begins to march. Several women dressed similarly to Gwenyth gather around her before they disappear.*

*Later at the Slaver Base*
--------------------------------
*Sayoko, Francis, Magnus, and their army creep into the encampment, wary of traps and other means of deceit. A thorough search doesn’t turn up an army, but something much more sinister . . .*
Magnus: W-w-what the hell i-is this?

*The soldiers had gathered up several men bearing various injuries.*

Sayoko: They were probably raped and beaten.

Francis: Y’mean by our guys?

Sayoko: . . . Anyway, some sick shit’s going down here.

Francis: It was a reasonable question!

Soldier: Milady, we’ve found numerous torture devices!

Sayoko: Bring them to me!

*Soldiers drop armfuls of various objects in front of Sayoko. They range from whips to wooden ball gags to blindfolds to lots o’ lube.*

Francis: Hmmmm . . . these objects must house some dark power. This merits further research!

*SLAP*

Sayoko: Kinky torture devices aside, where the hell is everyone?


*Sayoko’s Camp*
------------------------
*Gwenyth and her predators sweep across the camp, searching for signs of life.*

*Soon after, Hilda and the rest of the army enter the camp.*

Predator: Lady Hilda, we’ve found what appears to be an armory!

Hilda: Excellent! We’ll take their weapons and use them to slay them! Oh, delicious irony! Take me to them!

*Hilda, Gwenyth, Mari, and several slaves stand in front of a large tent.*

Hilda: All right. Standard enter and neutralize procedure. Go!

*A slave kicks the tent flap open and others rush in, their crap-ass swords ready.*

Slave: All clear, Lady Hilda.

Hilda: Outstanding. Now let me see these weapons-

*Upon the weapon racks lie hundreds upon hundreds of staves.*

Hilda: What the fu- . . .?

Everyone Simultaneously: IT’S A TRAP!

Page

My main problem with this is the formatting that you've decided to use. Really that's the main thing that you need to work on, as this reads more like a script rather then a story.

One Sin

I see. Tell y'all what, I'll post the rest of what is already written and there'll be a point where I write the next few arcs of the story (if you can call it that) in the suggested ways:
1. Less outrageous and over the top humor with a focus on subtlety
2. In the traditional book format

Any other suggestions?
PS: Sorry for the ridiculous length, but I wanna establish where I stopped before I began posting these here.
------------------------------------------------------------
*An hour later*
--------------------
Mari: Alright, so it’s not a trap.

Hilda: . . .

Gwenyth: . . .

Mari: Well, this is awkward.

Hilda: We’re going back to base, now! Go through the town if necessary!


*Hilda’s Camp*
----------------------
Francis: Sayokoooooooooooo, we’ve been waiting here an hour! This trap isn’t going to work! I have to goooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Sayoko: Shut up. Hmmm . . . you know, this trap might not work. Let’s return to base.


*The town*
---------------------
Francis (to a peasant): What’s the name of this place, anyway?

Peasant: It’s-

*Francis knocks him out with his stick*

Francis: STAFF!

*Whatever.*

Francis: On second thought, do I want to know?

Sayoko: Hey stix, stop yapping to yourself and get us through this place.

Francis: Why me?! I don’t even know what’s in this place!

Sayoko: Your point?

Francis: I’ll just ask someone for directions.

*He spots an oddly dressed woman and approaches her.*

Francis: Pardon me, ma’am.

Gwenyth: What?

Francis: . . .

Gwenyth: Hm?

Francis: Err what is that . . . (stares at her pseudo-gag and blindfold)? Nevermind. How do you get across town?

Gweynth: . . . Go straight.

*She leaves*

Sayoko: Well?

Francis: She says to go straight.

Sayoko: The only thing that’s in front of us is a series of houses . . .

*She stares at Magnus*

Sayoko: Come over here for a second . . .


*Moments Later*
---------------------
*The town is in flames. As buildings come crashing down and townsfolk flee for their lives, Sayoko and her army run through straight through the crumbling the town.*

Sayoko: How the fuck did you set the whole town ablaze?! I told you to just deal with the buildings in front of us!

Magnus: I-i-i’m sorry! I j-j-just can’t s-stop!

Sayoko: After we get out of this, we’re takin’ you to a shrink!

Magnus: F-Francis! Help! . . . . . . . . . .

Sayoko: . . .

Magnus: . . . Francis?


*-------------------------*
*Hilda and her slavers pillage the burning town, capturing its hapless males*

Mari (chasing a fresh prisoner around with scissors): Ah hahahahaha!!

Hilda: Ah, times like these make the boredom all worth it . . . Wait a minute, I think we’re forgetting something.

Mari: Like where the fire came from, the enemy army, and where the hell Gwenyth is?

Hilda: No . . . I think I forgot to feed the slaves back at camp.

*-------------------------*
*Francis wanders around the burning town*

Francis: Anyone here?

*Gwenyth turns her attention from her freshly caught prey to Francis*

Francis: Ah, it’s you! Fancy meeting you here . . . in the middle of a burning village . . . next to a pile of bound and gagged men . . .

Gwenyth: . . ..

Francis (thinking): Wow, this is awkward. Come on, Francis, say something to break the silence!

Francis: Ummm, nice weather we’re having, huh?

Gwenyth: . . .

*Gwenyth delivers a swift chop to the back of his neck, knocking him out*


*After much destruction and wandering the two armies face off in the middle of the burning town.*

Hilda: For us to meet like this . . . it must be fate.

Sayoko: Not really, it’s just probability. This is the center of the town and the only way to get to the other side, so by . .

Hilda: Yes. Yes. Way to fuck up the drama.

Sayoko: Am I gonna kick your ass or not, lady?

Hilda: Oh well. Might as well get this over with . . . Let’s make it quick, though. If the fresh meat (points to knocked out men near the back of their army) gets a nasty tan, their value hits the fan.

*One of Hilda’s troop leaders steps forth.*

Someone whose name won’t matter reeeeal soon: Hah! None of you stick-wielding nitwits can hope to match our tech: budget swords!

Magnus: Sh-Sh-She’s right!

Sayoko (looks at one of the burning buildings): Hmmm . . .


*Five Minutes Later*
--------------------------
*The standoff has now turned into an all-out melee. Hilda’s slave drivers make retreat impossible for her slave meat-shields. Flames fly through the air . . . but Magnus isn’t doing anything.*

*Sayoko’s army still fights on with their staves . . . but they’re on fire.*

Magnus: O-o-our guys are on fire?!

*No, dumbfuck, I meant the sticks*


*Elsewhere*
----------------
Francis: STAVES!


*Back to the story at hand*
-----------------------------------
*Hilda’s men, burned and bruised, finally begin to ignore their masters’ commands and flee the battle.*

Slave: They wield flames and blunt objects!

Slave 2: Flee, my brothers! I can handle being burned, and I can handle being beaten, but not both at the same time!!

Hilda: Hold your ground, damn it! It’s not like they can burn you AND beat you at the same time!! They can’t burn you just by swinging a dinky flame like that around, and they can’t beat you if they’re trying to set you on fire!

Slave 1: . . .

Slave 2: . . .

Slaves 3-50.5 (poor guy . . .): . . .

Slave 1: But they have both options!!!! RUN FOR IT!


*Gwenyth and two predators appear next to Hilda*

Hilda: Where the fuck were you?

Gwenyth: Hunting.

*She drops Francis on the ground*

Predator: Our scouts report that he’s a general.

Hilda: Oh? Then we might be able to use that to our advantage . . .

*----------------------*
*Sayoko’s flaming stick-wielding soldiers brutalize Hilda’s slaves. Suddenly, the slaves stop struggling and hold their position. Hilda walks up to the front.*

Hilda: Attention, soldiers of . . . err . . .

Sayoko: The name’s Sayoko. Got it memorized?

Hilda: How do you spell that? Umm anyway, I have your general hostage! *Gwenyth tosses him next to Hilda*

Sayoko: . . . So?

Hilda: Retreat now and I’ll give him back to you!

Sayoko: Keep him.

Francis (gagged): MMMPH!

Hilda: But- But he’ll be subject to horrible torture!

Sayoko: Not my problem.

Francis (sweating profusely): NGHHH!

Hilda: We’ll unman him! Force him to humiliate himself in front of hundreds of people! Hell, we’d probably make him take it from behind!

Sayoko: Good for him. Pain builds character.

Francis (struggling violently): NGHHHH!! MMPHHH!!!

Hilda: I- I- . . . Surrender now or I’ll chop his balls off!

Sayoko: You do that.

*Francis passes out*

Hilda: Uhhh . . . Just a sec.

(to Gwenyth and Mari): Well? What do we do now?!

Mari: Let’s carry out our threat . . . (licks her lips)

Gwenyth: What we always do when threats don’t work.

Hilda, Gwenyth, and Mari: RETREAT!

One Sin

*A Week Later*
--------------------
*After “defeating” Hilda and her slave traders, Sayoko’s army ravages the southern part of the continent with unmatched cruelty, earning it the name “The Scourge of the Chosen One”. Having obliterated all resistance on the peninsula, the Scourge move north. There is only one way to get to the rest of the continent, a valley. To get to said valley, the Scourge march through the forests.*

*In the forest, the Scourge march through the unstable terrain unflinchingly. Within mere weeks, they had been transformed from feeble conscripts wielding sticks to heartless, cruel killing machines . . . who wield sticks. They come upon an unusually flat stretch of land. At its center is a hut. Being the nosy bastards they are, the Scourge investigate.*

*Knock Knock Knock*

*A man opens the makeshift straw door. He’s in his late 20s or early 30s. He has mid-length brown hair and no shirt on*

???: Yes?

Soldier: Our Lady, the Chosen One known as Sayoko, would like to know “Just that in the hell you’re doing living in the middle of fucking nowhere”.

???: Well, that’s simple. My name is Mithrelos and I . . . *Gives his life story*

Mithrelos (an hour later): Does that make sense?

Soldier (snaps awake): Wha-? Oh. No, I wasn’t paying attention.

Mithrelos: *Sigh* Then could I tell it in person to this “Lady Sayoko”?

Soldier: I dunno . . . I doubt she’d listen to a story like that for long.

*Later at Sayoko’s camp*
------------------------------
Sayoko: Depends.

Mithrelos: On what?

Sayoko: How long will it take for you to explain all this flavor text-y shit?

Mithrelos: I don’t know. An hour, I’d say.

Sayoko: You have 5 minutes.

Mithrelos: Well, I am a mere hunter living in the woods.

Sayoko: You hunt with a big-ass axe like that?

Mithrelos: Well, you see, it’s the only weapon I know how to use. I was a warrior back in a civil war awhile back. I had trained as a berserker and it’s our traditional weapon.

Sayoko: So how’d you end up living in the woods?

Mithrelos: You see, during the war, I had killed . . .so many. Their blood forever stained on my (tears start to form in his eyes) hands-

Sayoko: Four minutes. I’d suggest less emotion and more yappin’.

Mithrelos: Erk. Well-

Sayoko: Less vocal filler-y shit too.

Mithrelos: . . . I didn’t want to kill anymore on account of all the life I had taken so, distraught, I wandered this land for ten years. Each day, I fed off the land. Survival was difficult. Food was scarce, most was the water was contaminated, and the natives were such assholes! Is it that hard to spare a god damn loaf of bread?!-

Sayoko: Three minutes. Get to the point.

Mithrelos: !! Umm . . During my wandering, I came upon a group that spoke of an odd philosophy.

Sayoko: You mean like a cult?

Mithrelos: No, more like a . . .

Sayoko: It sure as hell sounds like a cult to me.

Mithrelos: No. No. A cult is a group of suspicious people practicing bizarre stuff.

Sayoko: “Spoke of an odd philosophy.” Cult-ish much?

Mithrelos: But this wasn’t some crackpot Armageddon crap!

Sayoko: I dunno. You could call killing hundreds of kittens, setting their corpses ablaze and eating them whole to summon an ancient demon who obviously doesn’t exist could be called a philosophy . . . sort of..

Mithrelos: . . . Anyway, they said that all life is precious and must be preserved . . .

Sayoko: Two minutes.

Mithrelos: What?! But you wasted like half of that!

Sayoko: So?

Mithrelos: Shouldn’t you give me time in return for the time I wasted answering your questions?

Sayoko: Watch it, buddy. I ask questions for a reason.

Mithrelos: Regardless of that, shouldn’t you at least give me back some time for-?

Sayoko: One and a half minutes.

Mithrelos: !!! But- But- But-
Sayoko: One minute and 25 seconds.

Mithrelos: So I accepted their philosophy and returned home with this new knowledge. Wherever I went, enemies from the war sought me out, but I didn’t kill a single one of them . . . through some probably lost their arms . . . or died from an infection or something, but it’s the thought that counts, you know?

Sayoko: 30 seconds.

Mithrelos: I returned home and because enemies wouldn’t leave me alone so I moved to this forest where-

Sayoko: 20 seconds.

Mithrelos: What?! How did that take ten seconds?!

Sayoko: It didn’t, but every time you bored me, I took off five seconds.

Mithrelos: How’s that-?!

Sayoko: 10

Mithrelos: IlivedinsolitudetopondertheerrorofmywaystothisverydaywhichactuallywasonlyliketwomonthsbutIthoughtalotIswear-

Sayoko: Time!

Mithrelos: What? That only took two seconds!!

Sayoko: I know, but you were making no fucking sense, so I cut you off.

Mithrelos: But I didn’t tell the moral of my story!

Sayoko: And that would be?

Mithrelos: I sorta ran out of food when you got here, so can I join your army?

*A few days later at a town in front of the valley*
------------------------------------------------------------

Sayoko: All right, now all we need to do is get past this . . . door?
*A humongous gate stands in front of Sayoko and her army. Her soldiers try to move it, but it won’t budge.*

Sayoko: This calls for extreme measures . . . Magnus, you know what to do.

Magnus: I-I d-d-do?

Sayoko: . . . Why else would I keep a stuttering lunatic like you around?

Magnus: Bu-bu-but I thought YOU were the lunatic!

Sayoko: . . . You have five seconds to start blowing down that door.

Magnus: Eep!

*Five minutes and 600 fireballs later*

Magnus (on his knees): *GASP! WHEEZE!*

Sayoko: And not a god damn dent. *Sigh* I guess it’s time for . .. *shivers* NPC interaction.

*She begins to enter chat with the townsfolk*

Sayoko: So, how do I open that gate?

Woman: Lovely weather we’re having, huh?

Sayoko: . . . What?

Woman: I’ve been hearing rumors about some crazy warlord in the south . . .

Sayoko: Perhaps I should repeat my question-

Woman: Lovely weather we’re having, huh?

Sayoko: Are you alright?

Woman: I’ve been hearing rumors about some crazy warlord in the south . . .

Sayoko: . . . I’ll be going now.

Woman: Lovely weather we’re having . . .

*Sayoko then sees a wise-looking man*

Sayoko: Hey, geezer! How do you open that retarded gate?

Geezer: You need the key.

Sayoko: Why is key italicized and bolded?

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: The items after this point were all originally italicized and bolded. Unfortunately, the formating on this forum makes it very difficult for me to redo this, so the following won't be quite as nice.]
Geezer: I have the key, but you need to get me a toad’s eye.

Sayoko: How the hell does an old man like you end up with something as rare as a key to a gate as epic as that-?

Geezer: You need the key.

Sayoko: I see . . .

*She forces herself to chat with all the people across town until she meets a shepherd.*

Sayoko: Yo! Where can I get a toad’s eye?

Shepherd: I’ve got one right here.

Sayoko: Great! Hand it ove-

Shepherd: But I need an eagle’s feather before I can give it to you.

Sayoko: . . . asshole.

*She searches until she finds a blacksmith*

Sayoko: Torrent- err Eagle’s Feather, plz.

Blacksmith: I need a Megaton Hammer.

Sayoko: Do I look like Link to you?!

*She tracks down a merchant*

Merchant: Sure! I’ll give you a hammer . . . for a cow.

*---------*

Farmer: Give me some eggs . . .

*---------*

Kid: Get me a slingshot!
*--------*

Drunk: I could use some beer . . .

*--------*

Barkeep: I could use a barmaid

*--------*

Rich Dude: Gold!

*--------*

Someone else: Pie!

*--------*

Someone Else: Corn!

*---------*

Yet another person: Surprise Buttseks!

*----------*

ANOTHER person: Diamonds!

Sayoko: OBJECTION! No, bitch! You give it to me NOW!

ANOTHER person: D-Diamonds?

Sayoko: That’s it!

One Sin

*Five Minutes Later*
--------------------------
*The town is in flames and Sayoko’s army ravages the town, killing anything that moves.*

Mithrelos: I dunno if I approve of this . . .

*Suddenly, something grabs his leg. It’s a guy with his face burnt and his legs missing.*

Victim: D-d-diamons!

Mithrelos: Umm . . sorry, but Sayoko told me not to help any of you . . .

Victim (grabbing harder): Diamonds!

Mithrelos: I don’t-

Victim: DIAMONDS!

Mithrelos: Please-

Victim: DIAMONDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Mithrelos: But I-

Victim: DIAMONDS! DIAMONDS! DIAMONDS! DIAMONDS! DIA-!

Mithrelos: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

*Mithrelos immediately starts beating the victim, up, snapping his bones and pummeling him with vicious blows.*

Mithrelos: YOU WANT DIAMONDS?! HUH?! I’LL GIVE YOU SOME FUCKING DIAMONDS! RIGHT UP YOUR ASS!

*He readies his axe . . .*


*Later*
------------
*Sayoko stretches her arms*

Sayoko: Ah, nothing quite like a bloodbath to relieve stress.

Magnus: T-that’s good and all, but . . . why me?!

*Sayoko has Magnus pinned on the ground with knives. Next to him is a bloody staff*

Sayoko: Huh? I don’t know . . . you just seem to be the hittable type.

Magnus: W-what’s that supposed to-?

*Sayoko spots Mithrelos approaching from a distance*

Sayoko: Where the hell were you? You missed the blood . . . bath.

*She sees him drenched in blood and guts*
Sayoko: Huh . .. nevermind.

Mithrelos: I need more.

*He sees the helpless Magnus and licks his bloody lips.*

Magnus: N-no wai!

*Mithrelos grins before raising his axe up above his head. Suddenly, his murderous eyes take on a confused appearance. He drops his axe, barely missing Magnus’ sensitive bits.*

Mithrelos: Wha- What happened?

Sayoko: Well?

Mithrelos: Well what?

Sayoko: Are you gonna kill him or not?

Mithrelos: Kill? Why would I . . .

*He sees that he’s covered in organs and blood*

Mithrelos: No . . . NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! . . . .

Mithrelos (to Sayoko): Umm, aren’t you going to console me and tell me that you won’t let this happen ever again?

Sayoko: Fuck no! Now do the killy thing again.

Mithrelos: That’s horrible! Why would you-?

Sayoko: Wait. Is that guy . . . alive?! *points toward a moving figure behind some debris* That’s no good! *She moves closer to find that he’s the old man with the key from earlier* Oh, boy. I’m gonna enjoy this.

Old Man: Oh! It’s you! You’ve got to help me! Soldiers are attacking!

Sayoko: I know. I’m the one that told them to.

Old Man: W-Why?!

Sayoko: Protip: I don’t do fetch quests for anyone.

Old Man: All I asked was for-

Sayoko: All YOU asked me to do was to go around the fucking town and make more trades than fucking Wall Street. Now, I’ll be taking the key off your hands.

Old Man: Err . . . about that.

Sayoko: I swear if this has anything to do with trading . . .

Old Man: It’s not that, it’s just that . . . well . . . I don’t have it.

Sayoko: Come again? Oh, and you may want to include “Here’s the key; please don’t gouge my eyes out and pour sulfur in them” in your sentence.

Old Man: But I don’t have it! The key isn’t even a real object! There are just some myths about it . . .

Sayoko: . . . and what were you planning to do if I had bothered to get you surprise buttseks or something?

Old Man: Toad’s Eye.

Sayoko: Shut up and answer the question.

Old Man: Umm . . . show my appreciation in some non-monetary/valuable form?

Sayoko: Are you fucking kidding me?!

*She slams her hand against the gate, which is conveniently right next to her. At first, there’s a loud, hollow clang, but suddenly, the gate glows red before swinging wide open.*

Sayoko: Key . . . I was-. All I had to do- . . . SON OF A BITCH!

*------------------*

Old Man: Well, you turned out to be the maiden of legend, the gate opened, and you can continue along. Happy ending, huh? Well, if you’ll excuse me . . .

Sayoko: Where do you think you’re going?

Old Man: Home?

Sayoko: You tried to fuck me over, old man.

Old Man: Well, I’m sure a heroine like you would be more than glad to lend me a hand for free . . .

Sayoko: Perhaps you don’t understand. I don’t like it when I get screwed.

Old Man: Not into men, are you?

Sayoko: Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be skinned and boiled alive?

Old Man: . . . no?

Sayoko: Well, I think we should find out, and by we, I mean you.


The Next Morning
-----------------------
Magnus: L-l-last nights-s s-s-soup was gggood. W-what was in it?

Sayoko: Oh, you know. Some veggies, some meat, and of course, love.

Magnus: W-why is love bolded and italicized? It’s n-not an it-t-tem.

Sayoko: Ask yourself this: “Is it really a good idea to be asking those kinds of questions?”

Magnus: N-n-no?

Sayoko: That’s what I thought. Now shut up and finish packing. We’re gonna move out.



In the Valley
----------------
Sayoko: What’s this valley called, anyway?

Mithrelos: I don’t know.

Sayoko: Whaddaya mean you don’t know?! You’re supposed to be the fucking expert on this place!

Mithrelos: I don’t know because no one ever gave this valley a name.

Sayoko: . . . What sort of lazy, good for nothing bum forgets to name a place as important as this?!

*Hey, fuck you.*

*One of Sayoko’s soldiers approaches her*

Soldier: Milady, we’re getting reports that our supply lines are stretched to their limit.

Sayoko: Hmmm . . . What should we do about it?

Soldier: The problem lies in the distances our supply caravans have to travel. A fortress or some other place where transporters can switch off would help a lot.

Sayoko: I see. Wow, you’re really helpful, you know that?

Soldier: Aww. Thank you, milady!

Sayoko: In fact you’re more competent than the admiral!

Admiral: But we don’t have a navy . . .

Sayoko: SILENCE!

*She stabs him, takes off his Admiral hat thingie, and gives it to the soldier.*

Sayoko (to the soldier): Congratulations on your promotion . . . admiral.

New Admiral: So . . . where’s the fleet?

Sayoko: We have some fishing boats back at the capital. Any other questions that may result in your sudden and violent demotion?


*A few hours later*
------------------------
Sayoko: You sure this’ll work?

Magnus: O-Of course! I p-p-planted th-the d-d-device on F-f-francis!

Sayoko: Excellent.

*She puts her hand an intricately carved stone and puts it to her ear*

The stone: Please hold.

Magnus: D-d-don’t take too long. The Mages Guild ch-ch-charges a l-l-lot for l-long distance.


*At the Slavers’ Camp*
----------------------------
*The sound of a whip glancing off someone’s back echoed throughout the camp followed by groans of agony*

Hilda: Take that! And that! And that!

Francis: MPMPH!

*Suddenly, a ringing noise comes from Francis’ armor. Hilda feels around inside it and pulls out a stone.*

Hilda: . . . hello?

Sayoko: Hello, Hilda.

Hilda: Shit! It’s a trap!

Sayoko: . . . no.

Francis: Mmph! (Sayoko!)

Hilda: You want your goon back?

Sayoko: Not really, but I have a job for you.

Hilda: Oh?

Sayoko: I need a fortress built on the valley without a name.

Hilda: I dunno . . . It won’t be easy.

Sayoko: What do you want for it?

Hilda: Hmmm . . . I always wanted a fox-boy. I hear they’re in the forests south of the valley. I’ll head to the valley, but I won’t start building until you can get me one.

Sayoko: . . . I’m not sure whether you’re more furry or more pedo.

Sarai

Okay, I haven't read all of this but am curious as to what the outcome was. In terms of the wording, I think your choice of words could have been improved, but then again, it looks like you posted this two years ago, so let me know what happened and what you thought. I think the concept had potential, but I don't like the language used. I'm not against the swearing, it's just that for someone who is supposed to be refined, your character Sayoko sounds quite trashy (based on that first part up there) and honestly, so does everyone else.