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Silly and Amusing Lists
Present a silly list on any topic! Below is any example from my friend Mike (guitarist for an Albany, NY metal band Son of Mourning)
Baby List:
1. Don't forget where you put the baby.
2. Never aim a hair dryer at the baby, no matter how wet the baby is.
3. Spicy Chinese food is not good for the baby.
4. Babies weigh less than a wheel of king's cheddar cheese. Stop asking.
5. There are a few good things to smear on a baby's skin. Cajun marinade is not one of them.
6. 'Rocking' a baby does not involve a Slayer CD.
7. 'Burping' a baby has to do with the baby's burps, not yours.
8. After 'changing' a baby, you should still have the same baby you started with.
9. Don't let the baby see other people until it loves you.
10. Don't ask the baby to hold something while you look for your keys, etc.
11. Babies are amused by your misfortune. Do not reciprocate this cruelness.
12. Do not use the baby as a paperweight.
13. Never let the cat sleep near the baby's head.
14. Never let the baby sleep near the cat's head.
15. Do not leave tension rope, grappling hooks, mini-charges or any other spy-gear near the baby. They are adept with these things.
16. Check the crib for weaknesses. The baby surely will.
17. Never look the baby in the eyes. It may consider it a challenge.
18. Though convenient, the crib is a bad place to keep excess bags of flour.
19. A baby is happy being a dunce-like blob of need. Do not mock its social ineptitude.
20. Though the baby is small, its body does not lend itself well to fitting into tight crevices.
21. When feeding the baby, it is best to supply food to its mouth in small scoops rather than all at once.
22. 'Teething' the baby involves the baby's teeth, not yours.
23. Though aesthetically pleasing, tattoos are best reserved until the baby has grown older.
24. When choosing foods, it is up to you to remember that the baby has no teeth. The baby will not.
25. Don't forget the boundaries between the baby's crib and your crib.
26. 'Kidnapping' is far worse than it sounds.
27. Don't let the baby fool you - it is not healthy for the baby to smoke. Even after a meal.
28. To you, a twelve-inch subway sandwich may be satisfying. To the baby, it is useless.
29. Newborn babies cannot hold their own head up. The use of a neckbrace however, is not recommended.
30. When setting out a buffet, it is best to keep the baby elsewhere.
31. Do not leave the baby in an auto garage for any period of time, no matter how much the mechanics beg.
32. Sharing picture books with the baby is good. But not daddy's special picture books.
33. Warning: the device known as a 'stroller' is capable of speeds much higher than its name suggests.
34. Feeding the baby takes patience. Do not make use of a funnel.
35. Though hilarious, pretending to prep the baby for roasting in a roasting pan is considered inappropriate.
36. If you are a zookeeper, do not bring the baby to work. Even on the alotted day.
37. The baby is great company when doing the laundry. Just be sure the baby is still in sight when you activate the machines.
38. 'Babysitting' can be accomplished in any position.
39. There is a reason you don't see babies on rollercoasters.
40. A tense baby may be calmed by soothing music with comforting lyrics. 'I Got You Babe' is recommended.
41. Though allegedly fit for the messiah, a manger is not a wise place to keep the baby.
42. The pacifier goes in the mouth. Be sure to wash it before placing it there if you got it wrong the first time.
43. Though similar in consitency to baby food, Hormel Brand chili is not part of a healthy baby's diet. Try and see.
44. The baby will let you know if the milk is too hot, but it is better to test it first yourself.
45. It is not the baby's fault it is chubby. Nicknames like 'fat-ass' or 'tub-o-lard' will not help the situation.
46. Just because you saw a big lump in a snake does not mean it ate your baby. It may be someone else's baby.
47. Changing the baby's diaper is a revolting act and should be avoided altogether.
48. Though 'Willow' was an excellent film, it is important to remember not to leave the baby in the care of midgets.
49. In case your older child's science project calls for it: the baby is an insulator, not a conductor.
50. Breastfeeding in public is certainly admissible by some; and captivating for others.
51. The baby is needy, but not poverty-stricken. This is what separates a baby from a fat, large-headed vagrant.
52. Do not blame the baby for not remembering your secret handshake.
53. For the sake of the baby's peace of mind, never prepare a whole raw chicken in view of the baby.
54. An owl statue will effectively scare off songbirds and babies from an outdoor area of your choice.
55. The baby will instinctively swim. It will also instinctively gulp air and go to the nearest safe point immediately.
Baby List:
1. Don't forget where you put the baby.
2. Never aim a hair dryer at the baby, no matter how wet the baby is.
3. Spicy Chinese food is not good for the baby.
4. Babies weigh less than a wheel of king's cheddar cheese. Stop asking.
5. There are a few good things to smear on a baby's skin. Cajun marinade is not one of them.
6. 'Rocking' a baby does not involve a Slayer CD.
7. 'Burping' a baby has to do with the baby's burps, not yours.
8. After 'changing' a baby, you should still have the same baby you started with.
9. Don't let the baby see other people until it loves you.
10. Don't ask the baby to hold something while you look for your keys, etc.
11. Babies are amused by your misfortune. Do not reciprocate this cruelness.
12. Do not use the baby as a paperweight.
13. Never let the cat sleep near the baby's head.
14. Never let the baby sleep near the cat's head.
15. Do not leave tension rope, grappling hooks, mini-charges or any other spy-gear near the baby. They are adept with these things.
16. Check the crib for weaknesses. The baby surely will.
17. Never look the baby in the eyes. It may consider it a challenge.
18. Though convenient, the crib is a bad place to keep excess bags of flour.
19. A baby is happy being a dunce-like blob of need. Do not mock its social ineptitude.
20. Though the baby is small, its body does not lend itself well to fitting into tight crevices.
21. When feeding the baby, it is best to supply food to its mouth in small scoops rather than all at once.
22. 'Teething' the baby involves the baby's teeth, not yours.
23. Though aesthetically pleasing, tattoos are best reserved until the baby has grown older.
24. When choosing foods, it is up to you to remember that the baby has no teeth. The baby will not.
25. Don't forget the boundaries between the baby's crib and your crib.
26. 'Kidnapping' is far worse than it sounds.
27. Don't let the baby fool you - it is not healthy for the baby to smoke. Even after a meal.
28. To you, a twelve-inch subway sandwich may be satisfying. To the baby, it is useless.
29. Newborn babies cannot hold their own head up. The use of a neckbrace however, is not recommended.
30. When setting out a buffet, it is best to keep the baby elsewhere.
31. Do not leave the baby in an auto garage for any period of time, no matter how much the mechanics beg.
32. Sharing picture books with the baby is good. But not daddy's special picture books.
33. Warning: the device known as a 'stroller' is capable of speeds much higher than its name suggests.
34. Feeding the baby takes patience. Do not make use of a funnel.
35. Though hilarious, pretending to prep the baby for roasting in a roasting pan is considered inappropriate.
36. If you are a zookeeper, do not bring the baby to work. Even on the alotted day.
37. The baby is great company when doing the laundry. Just be sure the baby is still in sight when you activate the machines.
38. 'Babysitting' can be accomplished in any position.
39. There is a reason you don't see babies on rollercoasters.
40. A tense baby may be calmed by soothing music with comforting lyrics. 'I Got You Babe' is recommended.
41. Though allegedly fit for the messiah, a manger is not a wise place to keep the baby.
42. The pacifier goes in the mouth. Be sure to wash it before placing it there if you got it wrong the first time.
43. Though similar in consitency to baby food, Hormel Brand chili is not part of a healthy baby's diet. Try and see.
44. The baby will let you know if the milk is too hot, but it is better to test it first yourself.
45. It is not the baby's fault it is chubby. Nicknames like 'fat-ass' or 'tub-o-lard' will not help the situation.
46. Just because you saw a big lump in a snake does not mean it ate your baby. It may be someone else's baby.
47. Changing the baby's diaper is a revolting act and should be avoided altogether.
48. Though 'Willow' was an excellent film, it is important to remember not to leave the baby in the care of midgets.
49. In case your older child's science project calls for it: the baby is an insulator, not a conductor.
50. Breastfeeding in public is certainly admissible by some; and captivating for others.
51. The baby is needy, but not poverty-stricken. This is what separates a baby from a fat, large-headed vagrant.
52. Do not blame the baby for not remembering your secret handshake.
53. For the sake of the baby's peace of mind, never prepare a whole raw chicken in view of the baby.
54. An owl statue will effectively scare off songbirds and babies from an outdoor area of your choice.
55. The baby will instinctively swim. It will also instinctively gulp air and go to the nearest safe point immediately.
Comments
Okay, Less a list, more a FAQ
213 things Skippy is not allowed to do in the Army
And speaking of hobo names and pictures, here are my favourite ratings on that site.
Hobo Signs Part 1
Hobo Signs Part 2
Hobo Signs Part 3