Howdy, Stranger!
It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!
This forum is in permanent archive mode. Our new active community can be found here.
The Goatse Shirt (NSFW)
As per the Thursday August 17th episode of GeekNights, here I present to you a retelling of the tale of the goatse shirt.
Before you understand the tale of the goatse shirt you must understand the boardwalk in Wildwood, NJ. It is perhaps the shlockiest most touristy, drek-selling, carnie palace on earth. Other than one bookstore, one LAN party, a scary church and an overpriced amusement park, the only things you will find on this boardwalk are carnie games, greasy fried food vendors, people selling cheap beach drek and sub-par video arcades.
Because we have spent so much time in this place over the years, we received little to no entertainment from the vast majority of places on the boardwalk. We still liked the go-karts and the arcades, but everything else was at best a waste of space and at worst an eyesore. However, true to our hacking spirits, we created entertainment where there was none. A ray of enlightenment was cast down upon us as we discovered ways to repurpose what was once a useless crappy t-shirt vendor into a mountain of joy.
Walking down the boardwalk one morning a small sign caught my eye. It was a simple 8.5" x 11" piece of paper with black text printed upon it. The text read "ANY BAND YOU WANT". The sign next to it said "ANY WRESTLER YOU WANT". Both signs were clipped on above a t-shirt display merilly flapping in the sea breeze.
Any band I want? There's no way they can have a t-shirt back there for obscure bands nobody has ever heard of. They might have every wrestler, but not every band. There are only two likely possibilities. Either they are falsley advertising, or they are illegaly producing bootleg t-shirts. Now, the game was afoot.
I commanded my friend Pete, who is a knower of many obscure metal bands, to produce the name of an obscure band to request. With the help of his brother we came up with "Nihilist Spasm Band". So, we went to the store and Pete asked for a Nihilist Spasm Band shirt. After a few minutes the clerk turned around her LCD monitor to produce a low resolution image of the band's logo. Yes, we had found the answer. It's a Google image search. They have a machine which can produce a t-shirt from any digital image, and they were doing it illegally for profit. Hey RIAA, why go after us sharing files for no profit when you got guys like these out there?
Anyway, having had our fun we returned home to the beach house for fun. A time later it came to us. There's a store with a clerk that will search on Google images for anything we say. If we ask them to make a goatse shirt, they'll see goatse! It will be so funny! Wait a minute, how about we actually get a goatse shirt made? Holy crap, that's ten times better. The humor of the idea did not fade away, and thus there was no turning back.
On the way down the boardwalk we stopped fro some Polish Water Ice and Rym got another great idea. Why not also put some text on the shirt? Specifically, why not write "THE FIRST AMENDMENT" on the shirt? Smashing idea, we must go for it.
We finished our ices and set out to find the t-shirt vendor. As soon as we got to the front of the store the same employee we met earlier in the day tried to turn us away. However, we assured her we truly wanted to purchase a t-shirt, and she let us in. Now, it took some effort to get the employee to actually find goatse. Google image search was not very effective, even after I got his safe search turned off. I had to guide him to Wikipedia to where I knew a link to the goatse mirror existed. The look upon the faces of the employees after seeing goatse for the first time was quite enjoyable.
Surprisingly enough it didn't take very much coaxing to get the store to actually produce the shirt we wanted. In fact, they got it right on the first try. Behold!
In the end, a good time was had by all. We were entertained, and the employees were relieved of the tedium of boring summer jobs. We even ended up overpaying for the shirt because it was so worth it. Hacker culture and low class america combine for awesome.
Before you understand the tale of the goatse shirt you must understand the boardwalk in Wildwood, NJ. It is perhaps the shlockiest most touristy, drek-selling, carnie palace on earth. Other than one bookstore, one LAN party, a scary church and an overpriced amusement park, the only things you will find on this boardwalk are carnie games, greasy fried food vendors, people selling cheap beach drek and sub-par video arcades.
Because we have spent so much time in this place over the years, we received little to no entertainment from the vast majority of places on the boardwalk. We still liked the go-karts and the arcades, but everything else was at best a waste of space and at worst an eyesore. However, true to our hacking spirits, we created entertainment where there was none. A ray of enlightenment was cast down upon us as we discovered ways to repurpose what was once a useless crappy t-shirt vendor into a mountain of joy.
Walking down the boardwalk one morning a small sign caught my eye. It was a simple 8.5" x 11" piece of paper with black text printed upon it. The text read "ANY BAND YOU WANT". The sign next to it said "ANY WRESTLER YOU WANT". Both signs were clipped on above a t-shirt display merilly flapping in the sea breeze.
Any band I want? There's no way they can have a t-shirt back there for obscure bands nobody has ever heard of. They might have every wrestler, but not every band. There are only two likely possibilities. Either they are falsley advertising, or they are illegaly producing bootleg t-shirts. Now, the game was afoot.
I commanded my friend Pete, who is a knower of many obscure metal bands, to produce the name of an obscure band to request. With the help of his brother we came up with "Nihilist Spasm Band". So, we went to the store and Pete asked for a Nihilist Spasm Band shirt. After a few minutes the clerk turned around her LCD monitor to produce a low resolution image of the band's logo. Yes, we had found the answer. It's a Google image search. They have a machine which can produce a t-shirt from any digital image, and they were doing it illegally for profit. Hey RIAA, why go after us sharing files for no profit when you got guys like these out there?
Anyway, having had our fun we returned home to the beach house for fun. A time later it came to us. There's a store with a clerk that will search on Google images for anything we say. If we ask them to make a goatse shirt, they'll see goatse! It will be so funny! Wait a minute, how about we actually get a goatse shirt made? Holy crap, that's ten times better. The humor of the idea did not fade away, and thus there was no turning back.
On the way down the boardwalk we stopped fro some Polish Water Ice and Rym got another great idea. Why not also put some text on the shirt? Specifically, why not write "THE FIRST AMENDMENT" on the shirt? Smashing idea, we must go for it.
We finished our ices and set out to find the t-shirt vendor. As soon as we got to the front of the store the same employee we met earlier in the day tried to turn us away. However, we assured her we truly wanted to purchase a t-shirt, and she let us in. Now, it took some effort to get the employee to actually find goatse. Google image search was not very effective, even after I got his safe search turned off. I had to guide him to Wikipedia to where I knew a link to the goatse mirror existed. The look upon the faces of the employees after seeing goatse for the first time was quite enjoyable.
Surprisingly enough it didn't take very much coaxing to get the store to actually produce the shirt we wanted. In fact, they got it right on the first try. Behold!
In the end, a good time was had by all. We were entertained, and the employees were relieved of the tedium of boring summer jobs. We even ended up overpaying for the shirt because it was so worth it. Hacker culture and low class america combine for awesome.
Comments
Just a note for anyone who ends up trying this somewhere else or in Wildwood. In the case of this store they make the shirt for you and then apparently negotiate the price of the shirt. I don't know if they decided to do this because of the nature of the shirt or if they do it everytime but we made a mistake when haggling with them. They started at $40 dollars! and tried to convince us that they had put a lot of effort and risk into making the shirt. We got them to what I believe was 30 dollars. However we probably should and could have have gotten them to lower the price of the shirt to even 20 dollars. I mean what are they going to do with a made Goatse shirt! So in the future if you get someone to make a shirt that is well disgusting before they tell you how much it costs, Haggle that shit down! I mean they are using a cheapass Iron on image thingie, that will cause the shirt to fade after like 5 washes.
The next step is to figure out how to wear that thing in public.