What makes you an adult?

HMTKSteve

One of the chief complaints my wife has had about me (among so many, hence the divorce) is that I'm not an adult. She bases this assertion on the fact that I enjoy playing games (board/card/video). Also I don't like doing work outside when it is cold.

I go to work everyday and I give her enough money to run the house in my absence. She has not held a 'real' job in over 10 years. She has had the occasional part time job but nothing serious or lasting more than a few months. I treat her as an equal partner (she wants to be on a pedestal) and always support her when she wants to try something new. In contrast she never supported me on projects unless they either benefited her directly or resulted in large amounts of money coming in.

For example, when I started getting into game design she constantly doubted me and provided no support. Once the first check came in she turned around and started supporting me. Once those checks dried up so did her support. Contrast this with the tons of cash she has spent buying camera equipment in the hopes of making money via photography. It has been several years and she has shown zero profit (or even income) from this yet she continues to try and I continue to support her. If I applied her rules to her she would have stopped this years ago.

I believe myself to be an adult. I work hard when I have too and I play hard when I can. I love my daughter and give her all the attention and support I can. I did love my wife and tried to support her in every way possible but she always saw time spent with my daughter as detracting from time spent with her. The fact that she hates gaming while my daughter and I love it only make things worse. Right now it is especially bad because the two of us are playing with our Pokemon while she just watches. We have tried to involve her in the game but she declines every time.

So what characteristics define someone as an adult? Does being an adult mean you have to give up all the fun things you enjoy?

Discuss.

Rym

It sounds like you're an adult, while your wife isn't.

Does being an adult mean you have to give up all the fun things you enjoy?

I still stand by the idea that the only people who believe this are essentially unhappy with the decisions they themselves have made in their lives, and are trying to rain on everyone else's parade who have the audacity to not have made the same poor decisions.

Luke Burrage

Discuss.

Actually, I think you just needed to get that off your chest. If you want to share anything else, go ahead; we're here to listen/read.

George Patches

I still stand by the idea that the only people who believe this are essentially unhappy with the decisions they themselves have made in their lives, and are trying to rain on everyone else's parade who have the audacity to not have made the same poor decisions.

Sometimes tough decisions have to be made. This does not sound like one of those times.

Rym

Sometimes tough decisions have to be made.

And adults make them, facing the consequences as adults, learning from their successes and their mistakes, and acknowledging their failings without reservation. Children act out in petty selfishness when others achieve what they could not: adults realize that there is still time to change your course.

Techparadox

So what characteristics define someone as an adult? Does being an adult mean you have to give up all the fun things you enjoy?

Just because you're an "adult" doesn't mean you have to give up the things that made you happy when you were younger, or the things you currently enjoy. You just have to do them in moderation.

Y'know, oddly enough, my experience with my ex-wife was very similar. It was all about her, what she wanted, and what she wanted to do. I let her drive a wedge between me and my friends, tear me away from my hobbies (model building, D&D;, video games, art, etc), and alienate my family (who stopped liking her not too long after we got married), while she expected me to make nice with her friends (a social group I never would have been involved with if I had my choice), get in good with her family, and support whatever little whim she decided was her next hobby or business venture. She basically expected to be waited on hand-and-foot while I took care of the household duties, dealt with the pets' needs, and jumped every time she said "frog". Hindsight is always perfectly 20/20, so I can see it now for what it was: I let her walk all over me because I thought it was love. It wasn't. It was her being selfish and me letting her be that way.

Marriage should be about the give-and-take. You support each other in both good times and bad and try to be selfless when it comes to the other's wants and needs. It sounds like your Ex is still in the "selfish" stage of life and still wants it to all be about her. It sounds like no matter how much you gave, she was always willing to take more. Given the way you've described it, it sounds like you're more the adult than she is, and until she realizes that it's not all about her she'll never be happy.

Dr. Timo

Being over 18.

The rest is just a discussion about whether there is a right kind of adult and a wrong kind of adult and (if these concepts exist) where to draw the line between those categories.

Li_Akahi

Being over 18.

This.

Society places all sorts of arbitrary requirements for people to view you as an adult. For instance, people don't view me as an adult when I wear Disney related shirts, because they view Disney to be childish. When I play Pokemon before class, if people recognize the game, they don't recognize me as an adult (unless they're awesome). These kinds of people view themselves as adults because they shed all hobbies/interests that they view to be childish, but these people are not mature adults.

There is a definite difference between being an adult and being a mature adult. A mature adult is someone (in my mind) is able to deal with difficult situations in a mature and rational manner and who is able to enjoy life to it's fullest. If a mature adult wants to enjoy things that are viewed as being for kids, let them. That is there prerogative and if they can deal with whatever society throws at them and still enjoy them, they will be much better for it.

Rym

...oddly enough, my experience with my ex-wife was very similar. It was all about her, what she wanted, and what she wanted to do. I let her drive a wedge between me and my friends, tear me away from my hobbies..., and alienate my family..., while she expected me to make nice with her friends ..., get in good with her family, and support whatever little whim she decided was her next hobby or business venture.

This same pattern played out for me again and again in the lives of numerous co-workers and former relations. There seems to be a very common process whereby a girlfriend/wife, who often has few serious hobbies or deep interests, takes issue with the hobbies and interests of their "geeky" boyfriend/husband. Said husbands/boyfriends end up having two separate social circles - one consisting of their real friends, and one consisting of their significant other and her own friends - which are effectively mutually exclusive. It's always the same pattern.

1. Girlfriend puts up with boyfriend's hobbies and friends, but has no interest in them
2. Girlfriend eschews said friends; guy now has two separate social circles, and must constantly choose between the two
3. Marriage
4. Wife gradually stops putting up with boyfriend's hobbies, calling them "childish"
5. Wife gradually stops putting up with boyfriend's friends ("them or me"), isolating husband
6. Husband secretly watches the Firefly DVD I lent him because his wife is out of town and he can get away with it...

The genders can be and often are reversed, but in my experience it is usually the female who has fewer deep personal interests and less tolerance for the interests of the partner. I would wonder if it is also usually the female who has a smaller or less active social circle, though my anecdotal evidence is less.

TheWhaleShark

Does being an adult mean you have to give up all the fun things you enjoy?

Being an adult means that you realize that sometimes, you have to prioritize something over your own convenience or entertainment. That doesn't mean that you have to give up said convenience or entertainment.

Being an adult is all about assessing and prioritizing obligations while also ensuring that you have enough time to actually enjoy yourself. Work first, play second. The best scenario is something that combines work and play, like beer brewing.

Lyddi

Being over 18.

This.

Society places all sorts of arbitrary requirements for people to view you as an adult.

I'm not sure whether I agree that society is right by saying an 18 year old is really an adult. The law says they are, but I think many of them are usually too immature. I didn't really start feeling like an adult until I got a career-related job and started making my own money. I think being independent of my parents (aka no longer using them for money and housing), helps me to consider myself a full adult. Thats just me though, I'm not sure how everyone else feels. I know there are a lot of 18 year olds that skip college and go straight into the workforce and become independent. And this is America- 18 happens to be when we graduate high school, so it is a convenient "adult marker." In a lot of other countries I'm sure its another story. (And in the olden days, being able to get preggers meant you were an adult)

Funny side note- last time I visited my little cousins (I think I was 21) they called me an "almost grown-up." I think it was because I was older and adult sized, yet obviously way more youthful than the other old fogey adults there.

1. Girlfriend puts up with boyfriend's hobbies and friends, but has no interest in them
2. Girlfriend eschews said friends; guy now has two separate social circles, and must constantly choose between the two

In these kinds of situations, "opposites attract" couldn't be more wrong. If someone doesn't like your hobbies (I am using this term loosely as "things to do with each other") or your friends, how can you really hang out with them, much less date them? Being able to enjoy similar hobbies (whether both people like them, or they introduced stuff to each other) allows for great connection. Obviously hobbies can't be the only thing you have in common, but I think they can really show what kind of person you are and what traits you have. Sure there might be that one sketchy/bitchy friend your partner doesn't like, or a few hobbies you don't share, but thats just normal. Andrew thinks my HGTV shows are incredibly boring, and I find his army-themed games pointless. Yet I keep on watching HGTV (while nothing more important is on) and he keeps playing his army games, and it doesn't really bother us (other than causing HGTV craziness explosion in Andrew's head).

Li_Akahi

The law says they are, but I think many of them are usually too immature.

That is what I mean. You are legally an adult, but there is a definite distinction between a legal adult and a mature one.

George Patches

In these kinds of situations, "opposites attract" couldn't be more wrong.

I've always taken the "opposites attract" to only apply as far as personality type.

Funfetus

adult
–adjective
1. having attained full size and strength;

I mostly agree with Timo & Li Akahi. It's either when you're 18 (in the US), or when you're "full-grown". That's what an "adult" is. But that's not really what we're talking about here -- we're talking about maturity. The Tick's ex is clearly the immature one in this situation. I also agree with Pete -- maturity is largely about priorities.

GreatTeacherMacRoss

she always saw time spent with my daughter as detracting from time spent with her.

WindUpBird

I feel like maturity is also divided into different categories, and that people sometimes have false expectations of what constitutes maturity. Something like The Tick's gaming is related to maturity in pastimes. Sure, video and board games might start as something immature, but when you start collecting them, designing them, analyzing algorithms, who's to say you're not as mature as the guy who stopped playing Flames of War and 40k to read military histories and naval books?

Sixthpence

Maturity (generally) has nothing to do with size, shape, gender, or whatever, it's all about how people act and their tolerance (or lack thereof) of others. This is the conclusion I have reached. But being of a young age, I do not know everything.
At least not yet.

theknoxinator

Like other people, I also see the difference between a technical adult and a real adult. Both cases stem from the same definition, which is that an adult is someone who is no longer dependent on other people. As a young person, you are claimed to be a dependent of your parents or guardians, and, depending on the country, at the right age, you are considered to be old enough to be independent, whether that is truly the case or not. To me, a person is really only an adult if they are capable of being truly independent. What you choose to do with your time is completely up to you, and other people who try to bring you down for it are not adults. They need justification for their own thoughts and decisions, they depend on it.

Viga

It's sorta hard for me to answer. My whole life I was told adults need to be X way and only X way. But the X way is like an child who can pop out babies and is a monkey for whatever man is there. Or perhaps a worker who doesn't look back at their childhood. Or perhaps someone who is the complete opposite of who I am now. There's very few things I gathered on my own about what it means to be an adult. I can only sum it up in a sentence or two:

To accept the things you can and can't do and take responsibility for what you do and can do.

...and maybe DON'T PANIC should be added.

ProfPangloss

Not being a full-fledged adult by society's terms, I might well be wrong. Granted, I've learned from a lot of mistakes made by myself and my closest friends, so this isn't exactly based on nothing.

Being an adult means that you acknowledge where your core responsibilities lie, and know your boundaries (emotional, physical, etc.) well enough to extend your reach of responsibility beyond them.

ProfPangloss

Also

WindUpBird

cosmicenema

I think the relationship issue is an odd one and all too common. Maybe being an adult means realizing you can't have everything in common with a person and you can let them be an individual.

When I was a kid I used to think being an adult means you stop growing. I quickly realized that's an all too common fallacy people fall into because all the cool adults, of any age, continue to try to grow and improve themselves. The people that stop become very boring very quickly. Interesting stuff!

Sixthpence

Answering questions, the right way, with xkcd.