›
This forum is in permanent archive mode. Our new active community can be found here.

Opening the closet

HMTKSteveHMTKSteve
edited May 2013 in Everything Else
Question for the forum.

For a long time I have been expecting my daughter to come out of the closet as a lesbian. Even as a small child it was obvious that she would never show an interest in boys.

Some trustworthy stories have made it back to me that she has confided in a few of her close friends and that soon after confiding she dropped many close friends.

I'm not going to directly ask her though for years I have always told her I only want her to be happy whether she chooses to be with boys or girls.

What can I do to get her out of the closet?
«1

Comments

  • ChurbaChurba
    edited May 2013
    Just be chill about it, I guess. She'll come out in her own time, and as long as she knows you don't mind and you've got her back no matter what happens, she'll tell you when she feels she's ready. Can't really think of a good reason to kick her out before she's ready, if she's in there.
    Post edited by Churba on
  • CremlianCremlian
    Yea was just listening to the Savage love podcast, where they were talking about this. Just be a cool parent and she'll let you know when she does. Obviously showing that you are not bigoted against Gays and Lesbians is helpful as well but don't be over the top about it.
  • AprecheApreche
    Really all I think you need to do is make sure she knows you aren't homophobic. When there's a news story about gay marriage somewhere just vocally express your (dis)pleasure with what is going on, so she knows she doesn't have to be afraid of being disowned or whatever like other kids might.
  • beefybeefy
    Yea, I would just wait for now. I was like you, I had told my kids that it didn't matter to me, but it was still hard for my son to tell me. He told his mother first, then she told me, that's when I finally said something to him about it. Even though I have never cared one way or the what someones sexuality is, and said as much, it was still hard for him to tell me.

    Just be ready to be supportive, because she is going to find out who her real friends are.
  • AprecheApreche
    Yea, I would just wait for now. I was like you, I had told my kids that it didn't matter to me, but it was still hard for my son to tell me. He told his mother first, then she told me, that's when I finally said something to him about it. Even though I have never cared one way or the what someones sexuality is, and said as much, it was still hard for him to tell me.

    Just be ready to be supportive, because she is going to find out who her real friends are.
    Well, maybe not necessarily. There might be fake friends who aren't homophobes and remain fake friends.
  • CremlianCremlian
    Or she might acquire fake friends afterwards :-p ok Rubin I think that point was not needed :-p
  • GregGreg
    Just stay chill. Kids like to think they can keep secrets from you. Some of us know we can't, but we play pretend anyway. Let her decide when she's going to come out to you, don't bring it up yourself.

    That being said, if it's causing her stress, you should indicate your support. Like Scott said, don't mention her specifically, but find a context to make your view clear.
  • MattMatt
    What everyone else said. Just be cool about it. Every kid goes through the age where they don't want to have awkward convos with their parents, no matter how close of a bond they have. Your support will go a long way even if you don't think it's being realized. It is. And you don't have to be over-the-top about it.

    Also, I'm sure there are some people who exhibit all sorts of stereotypical gay or lesbian tendencies or mannerisms but are not actually homosexual. How annoying it must be to have everyone telling them "it's OK if you want to come out."
  • HMTKSteveHMTKSteve
    The one real life friend she has right now has long been involved in the gay rights movement (as involved as a 13 yr old can be) and I talked to her mother and we both agree that the two of them are either gay or likely heading that way. Then we joked about being in-laws and not having to worry about teen pregnancy...

    She has been more involved online with steam and tumblr. In her online profiles she presents herself as a teenage gay male.

    The worst is her mother, who has become more close minded and bigoted/nasty since the divorce. I can't talk to her about this because I see it ending badly.
  • CremlianCremlian
    I would just note, that at 13 she is experimenting with her sexuality so she might not know what she is really at this point. She could find that she thinks she's gay but realizes that she's Bi or straight or Something something. She's probably just confused as all early teenagers are about themselves. Having parents and people make comments around her questioning what she is isn't going to help. Just helping out with the gay rights movement isn't evidence enough. That's like a bunch of people in my community thinking my friend and I were gay because we gave a speech in front of town council in support of gay rights even though we are both married (to women) and is a problem in it's self. People (even children) might help a group because it's the right thing (or cool) thing to do.
  • Anthony HemanAnthony Heman
    She has been more involved online with steam and tumblr. In her online profiles she presents herself as a teenage gay male.
    I've seen this with some rather straight girls in that age range. I think it's an adaptive/reactive thing.
  • HMTKSteveHMTKSteve
    I wasn't trying to imply that fighting for gay rights makes you gay. I have spoken with that particular girls mother and she confirmed that she has been expecting both of our daughters to come out of the closet at some point.
  • ChurbaChurba
    edited May 2013
    To be fair, I was expected by different family members to be either Straight or Gay, with absolute certainty. Can't deny them the credit of both being half right, but still, fact remains. I'm just lucky in that the parts of the family who would know enough to look for me here or elsewhere that it's mentioned either don't care, or already know. The few that would make a fuss, I let them think what they like.

    If you'll pardon the expression, they'll get a grip on it within time, one way or the other. And to your credit, I know you'll be there when they do, whichever way they end up going. So don't worry about it, she'll be right. It doesn't matter if it all comes out now, or later on when she decides to introduce either her John or Joan well down the road, they're still your daughters, and you'll still be there for them. That's what matters in the end, more than anything else.
    Post edited by Churba on
  • CremlianCremlian
    My dad must have thought I was gay at certain times because he did dumb things like buy me playboys for Christmas in the teenage years and worry why I wasn't taking an interest in girls... (maybe I didn't want to share dad...)
  • Jack DraigoJack Draigo
    Dude, she's thirteen. Let her develop her feelings before you knock on the closet door (to overextend a metaphor). She'll come out when she feels the time is right.
  • HMTKSteveHMTKSteve
    Yeah, my dad thought I was gay when I was a teenager because I didn't date. It wasn't a gender issue it was because all my friends who dated were always broke from paying for stuff for their girlfriends. I didn't see it being worth the price.
  • AmpAmp
    That's like a bunch of people in my community thinking my friend and I were gay because we gave a speech in front of town council in support of gay rights even though we are both married (to women) and is a problem in it's self. People (even children) might help a group because it's the right thing (or cool) thing to do.
    They were just your beards! We all know the truth. We are waiting for one of our housemates to come out at the moment. We all know yet she still thinks she has it on the DL. Its amusing how much one of her "friends" has come over.

  • lalanllalanl
    edited May 2013
    This is perhaps contrary to the posts so far (which I agree with) and is just my specific experience: If there are people I haven't talked to yet, it's because I'm terrified of their reaction. If one of them were to let me know they're cool without me needing to start the conversation, it would save me a fair bit of crying and anxiety while I worked up the nerve to do it myself.

    But like I said, I'm not speaking for anyone else. She might not appreciate that.

    I think it's important just that she feels safe. If you feel like you need to say something, "I love you, and I always will" or something similar certainly doesn't feel like an unreasonable thing for a parent to say to their child. I don't think it necessarily implies any assumptions.

    Like the others have said, be there for her in everything else, and she'll tell you when she's ready.
    Post edited by lalanl on
  • DromaroDromaro
    What lalanl said. I think undue pressure is not the way to go.
  • AxelAxel
    Also, she may not be talking to you about it because she's a teenage girl and talking to your Dad about this is always icky.

    Like, she could be in a lot of different places. You could be 100% right or completely off the mark with her sexuality/gender identity, but she's not gonna bring it up to you either way. A girl who is straight and cisgendered still won't let her Dad know what's going on, know what I mean?
  • HMTKSteveHMTKSteve
    edited May 2013
    Yeah, I get that about not wanting to talk to dad.

    I have been talking with a good friend of mine who came out to me when we were in high school. I have been asking her what she went through and how I should act. Good advice but a lot has changed in 20 years. Back then you got ostracized for being gay.
    Post edited by HMTKSteve on
  • AxelAxel
    Yeah, it's different now. I imagine for everyone who still hates, she's able to find supportive folk. Definitely good to subtly make sure she knows you're someone who supports.
  • ninjarabbininjarabbi
    Also, I'm sure there are some people who exhibit all sorts of stereotypical gay or lesbian tendencies or mannerisms but are not actually homosexual. How annoying it must be to have everyone telling them "it's OK if you want to come out."
    I think my mom kind of thought/thinks I'm gay at times. At various different times she's said things like "You know there are gay people who are like you, not all of them are like the stereotypes" Or "I'd always love you no matter what." And at one point I remember her saying how she thought that people in the closet are sort of insulting their friends and family by not being honest about who they are. There are other things like that but I can't think of them off the top of my head. I think its because I never really had girlfriends growing up, but really that's a combination of my shy/awkwardness and my great cynicism/realism when it comes to relationships.

    I say just let your daughter do her thing and figure it out. I know the feeling of wanting to know, as I've got some people that I've wondered about, but trying to out someone generally isn't a good idea even if its done out of love.
  • NuriNuri
    Do nothing to get her out of the closet. If she's in a closet at all, she doesn't need to "come out." Just let her be who she is. I've never stood in front of my parents and announced that I am straight. Why would other orientations necessarily need that announcement?

    Let her know you love her and support her no matter what. Full stop. Sexuality, career, life choices, whatever. (Okay, maybe you won't support her on a homicidal rampage, but let's be reasonable here.) You don't need to know the specifics, especially if she hasn't figured them out yet. Just straight up tell her those words (assuming you sincerely mean them) and let her work out what she wants to do in her own time.
  • HMTKSteveHMTKSteve
    This case is different. Due to the custody fight last year the court has gotten involved. When they see a teenage girl suddenly dump all her friends and become a recluse they think the worst.
  • NuriNuri
    edited May 2013
    Then perhaps they don't understand teenage girls very well. Regardless, what do you think getting her to come out to you will change about that situation? (I'm not saying there is nothing it will change; I'm genuinely asking if there is something significant to the court here.)
    Post edited by Nuri on
  • HMTKSteveHMTKSteve
    She doesn't need to come out to me. She needs to come out to someone on the legal/therapy side so rather than treat her like their is something seriously wrong with her they will just see a kid confused about her sexuality.
  • AndrewAndrew
    Are you sure you aren't projecting your own needs onto your daughter?
  • HMTKSteveHMTKSteve
    Are you sure you aren't projecting your own needs onto your daughter?
    Yes. Right now the legal and psych people think she is in serious danger of becoming a delinquent in large part because of her withdrawing from those around her. He grades have gone down some in school and she no longer talks to other kids. There is only one kid she talks to and the rest is all online friends.

  • Jack DraigoJack Draigo
    Uhh, I did that when I was 13. Granted there wasn't a court watching my every move ready to whisk me away if they thought my parents were abusing me, but that isn't necessarily because she's come out to others and they've ostracized her.
Sign In or Register to comment.