I think there is a mite bit of a disconnect between genocidal dictators and people trying to one up each other by crossing the line twice. But don't let me get in the way of your moral outrage.
Q: What's worse then a joke about threading babies? A: People discussing it in the 'jokes' thread!
Less seriously though, Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" the bartender says "No. We don't sell grapes here." The duck leaves. The next day, the duck comes back and asks the bartender again, "Got any grapes?" the bartender replies, "No! I told you yesterday, we don't sell grapes here. If you ask again, I'll nail your beak to the floor!" The duck leaves once again. The day after, the duck returns and asks, "Got any nails?" the bartender answers, "No." The duck asks, "Got any grapes?"
A man and a dog walk into a bar. The man needs to relieve himself, so he ties the dog to his stool and sets out for the restroom. Inside, he finds, aside from the toilet and sink, a full sized claw-foot bathtub. Finishing his business and washing up, he returns to find the dog in quite a state.
The dog immediately relives himself on the man's leg. Furious, the man drags the dog into the restroom, ties him to the sink, and proceeds to wash himself in the tub. While he is doing this, the bartender comes in to see what was taking the man so long. Nonplussed, the man asks "Do you have any soap?"
Man walks into a bank, goes up to the teller, an old lady, and says, "I'd like to open a fucking bank account!" The teller, taken aback, says, "Excuse me sir?" The man replies, "I said I'd like to open a fucking bank account!" The old teller says, "If you speak to me like that again I'll have to fetch the manager." The man says, "Why, cos I want to open a fucking bank account?!" The teller goes off and returns a minute later with the manager. The manager goes up to the man and asks, "What seems to be the problem sir?" The man answers, "I want to open a fucking bank account for $500,000!" The manager says, "Oh, and is this cunt giving you a hard time?"
A little boy comes home, runs into his dad's office, says, "Dad! Dad! I got my first blowjob!" The Dad says, "That's wonderful son, how was it?!" Boy replies, "Tasted awful"
Man goes to a doctor, doctor says, "I'm afraid it's bad news. You've got cancer and alzheimers." Man says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
Little Mary and her uncle are walking through the woods at night. Little Mary looks up and her uncle and says "Uncle, it's dark and I'm afraid." The uncle replies "Well, I got it worse. I have to walk home alone."
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Hitler is standing next to a pool with Goebbels. Goebbels has some Nazis bring in three jews. Hitler tells them: "If you can swim to the end of the pool and back, I'll set you free." First Jew jumps into the pool. He swims and swims, but halfway down the first leg, he goes under and drowns. Second Jew jumps in, makes it all the way to the end, makes the turn, and just after the push after the turn, he goes under and drowns. Third Jew jumps in, makes the first leg, makes the turn, makes it down, almost reaches the end, but goes under and drowns. Hitler turns to Goebbels and says: "Goebbels, take down a note. 49 meters. New record in the acid vat."
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Q: A neo-nazi and a punk rocker are sitting in the back of a car. Who's sitting in the front? A: A cop.
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"Mommy, mommy, I'm now 16. Can I finally wear make-up?" "No, George."
More one liners, now with 100% more Mitch Hedberg!
I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."
I was going to get me teeth whitened, But then I said "Fuck it, I'll just get a tan instead."
I got a parrot. It could talk, but it did not say "I'm hungery," so it died.
I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
We did, however, realize one day when we were in the park with the Nerd NYC people that Jew-being-cheap jokes can become funnier when you replace Jew with Dwarf.
How was copper wire invented? Some adventurer dropped a copper piece between two dwarves.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Lebo, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club. The bouncer said "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai"
I took part in the National Blindfolded Wanking Championships last week. I don't know where I came.
We did, however, realize one day when we were in the park with the Nerd NYC people that Jew-being-cheap jokes can become funnier when you replace Jew with Dwarf.
Or you know, do as the Belgians (and in some regards you should, superior chocolate and great comics) and call the Dutch cheap. Which works great since like the Belgians, UnitedStateians are also stereotypically dumb.
After having sex, the woman fantasizes in bed and says to the man: "What shall our daughter or son be called?" As the man makes a not in the condom he looks at the condom and says: "If this one escapes I'll call him MacGyver."
A dwarf gets captured by elves and every day they poke him with arrows and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the dwarf calls the chief over and says, "Ye can kill me or ye can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."
Comments
A: People discussing it in the 'jokes' thread!
Less seriously though,
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
The next day, the duck comes back and asks the bartender again, "Got any grapes?" the bartender replies, "No! I told you yesterday, we don't sell grapes here. If you ask again, I'll nail your beak to the floor!" The duck leaves once again.
The day after, the duck returns and asks, "Got any nails?" the bartender answers, "No." The duck asks, "Got any grapes?"
The dog immediately relives himself on the man's leg. Furious, the man drags the dog into the restroom, ties him to the sink, and proceeds to wash himself in the tub. While he is doing this, the bartender comes in to see what was taking the man so long. Nonplussed, the man asks "Do you have any soap?"
To this, the bartender responds:
"No soap... radio."
When dey got flat, dey go wop wop wop wop wop...
Someone threw a fridge at him!
Punchline still being written.
A little boy comes home, runs into his dad's office, says, "Dad! Dad! I got my first blowjob!" The Dad says, "That's wonderful son, how was it?!" Boy replies, "Tasted awful"
Man goes to a doctor, doctor says, "I'm afraid it's bad news. You've got cancer and alzheimers." Man says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
---------------------------
Hitler is standing next to a pool with Goebbels. Goebbels has some Nazis bring in three jews. Hitler tells them: "If you can swim to the end of the pool and back, I'll set you free."
First Jew jumps into the pool. He swims and swims, but halfway down the first leg, he goes under and drowns.
Second Jew jumps in, makes it all the way to the end, makes the turn, and just after the push after the turn, he goes under and drowns.
Third Jew jumps in, makes the first leg, makes the turn, makes it down, almost reaches the end, but goes under and drowns.
Hitler turns to Goebbels and says: "Goebbels, take down a note. 49 meters. New record in the acid vat."
---------------------------
Q: A neo-nazi and a punk rocker are sitting in the back of a car. Who's sitting in the front?
A: A cop.
-----------------------------
"Mommy, mommy, I'm now 16. Can I finally wear make-up?" "No, George."
I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."
I was going to get me teeth whitened, But then I said "Fuck it, I'll just get a tan instead."
I got a parrot. It could talk, but it did not say "I'm hungery," so it died.
I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
We did, however, realize one day when we were in the park with the Nerd NYC people that Jew-being-cheap jokes can become funnier when you replace Jew with Dwarf.
How was copper wire invented? Some adventurer dropped a copper piece between two dwarves.
"Get in the car."
The bouncer said "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai"
I took part in the National Blindfolded Wanking Championships last week. I don't know where I came.
After having sex, the woman fantasizes in bed and says to the man: "What shall our daughter or son be called?"
As the man makes a not in the condom he looks at the condom and says: "If this one escapes I'll call him MacGyver."