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Trust in a long distance relationship

m16 elitestm16 elitest
edited November 2008 in Everything Else
When do you know they're cheating? Do you limit yourself to photographic proof or the person admitting it or what?
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Comments

  • George PatchesGeorge Patches
    I don't think this is one of those questions that an internet forum is going to have the answer to.

    If you do trust them, and they say they aren't cheating then that's the end of it. If you think they're cheating and want to confirm, true or not you don't trust them.
  • m16 elitestm16 elitest
    The problem isn't I think they're actually cheating. Deep down I know she loves me and would never hurt me. I just have no confidence in myself and I'm depressed.
  • George PatchesGeorge Patches
    edited November 2008
    I'd try to avoid directing that at other people. Being depressed sucks, but being lonely and depressed because you were an asshole to people who cared about you is the pits.

    Why don't you do something you want to do, instead of cruising the forums feeling like a loser. I mean what are your interests? I build computers or try to setup linux servers when I'm bored. If you like those sorts of things you could try building a Gentoo box in a VM. I'd love to be doing that right now, but I have homework to do, hence why I'm cruising the forums.
    Post edited by George Patches on
  • m16 elitestm16 elitest
    I'd try to avoid directing that at other people. Being depressed sucks, but being lonely and depressed because you were an asshole to people who cared about you is the pits.

    Why don't you do something you want to do, instead of cruising the forums feeling like a loser. I mean what are your interests? I build computers or try to setup linux servers when I'm bored. If you like those sorts of things you could try building a Gentoo box in a VM. I'd love to be doing that right now, but I have homework to do, hence why I'm cruising the forums.
    You're right, I'll read more.
  • HungryJoeHungryJoe
    What sort of distance?

    I had a very serious girlfriend in college who decided she wanted to go to Japan for a year. This was, of course, in pre-internet times. Letters took about a week to get there and the phone wasn't very reliable and horribly expensive. I sent her something every single day. Eventually her replies became less and less frequent. Then she wrote me a letter telling me why she had recently decided that she deserved a lot better match than me and that she had thus decided to dump me.

    On the other hand, my wife and I (we've been married for ten years) went through a period of about eight months after we were engaged during which we were only able to see each other on weekends because we lived about 150 miles apart. We were able to last through that, so maybe the probability of the relationship suffering is proportional to the distance separating you.
  • Kate MonsterKate Monster
    If you can't/don't trust your mate, then you shouldn't be with them. If your insecurities push you paranoia, then you are not stable enough to be in a relationship. Either way, you need help and your relationship is doomed unless you get it A.S.A.P.
  • TheWhaleSharkTheWhaleShark
    If you can't/don't trust your mate, then you shouldn't be with them. If your insecurities push you paranoia, then you are not stable enough to be in a relationship. Either way, you need help and your relationship is doomed unless you get it A.S.A.P.
    QFT

    Trust is a vital aspect of any relationship. If you're obsessing about the possibility of your SO cheating on you because of distance, the odds are pretty good that you just don't trust them. You can either call it off because you can't trust them, or you can learn to trust regardless of your instincts.

    If your problem is a lack of confidence, man up, Nancy. Seriously. That's the only way to deal with it. I know, I know, you're down and depressed and so on and so forth: we've all been there/are there/will be there at some point. The only way to deal with it is to crawl out of your hole and stop being a pussy.
  • gomidoggomidog
    so maybe the probability of the relationship suffering is proportional to the distance separating you.
    I don't know about that. I was in Japan for half a year and I skyped Rym all the time. When I was in college, he lived in Rochester and I lived in NYC, so we were over 300 miles apart. It's not the distance, it is the type of relationship.
  • HungryJoeHungryJoe
    so maybe the probability of the relationship suffering is proportional to the distance separating you.
    I don't know about that. I was in Japan for half a year and I skyped Rym all the time. When I was in college, he lived in Rochester and I lived in NYC, so we were over 300 miles apart. It's not the distance, it is the type of relationship.
    At the time, we would have said that our relationship was strong enough to outlast her time time in Japan. It wasn't. She was supposed to be there for a year, but decided to make it three after she had been there for four months. However, as I said, we didn't have the internet. If we were able to Skype, email, or IM, it might have made a difference.
  • gomidoggomidog
    Mmmn. My first time in Japan I didn't have email (I didn't have a boyfriend either) but just by writing long letters I got closer to some of my friends back home. Some grew more distant, but when I came back some I felt closer to than when I left. I think it was one of those things where she wasn't as into it as you were. It probably would have been the same thing if she moved out of state and made new friends.
  • HungryJoeHungryJoe
    edited November 2008
    I think it was one of those things where she wasn't as into it as you were.
    That's a nice thing for me to hear this morning. That really makes me happy that you would say that. Thanks for the analysis of my relationship that occured when you were in kindergarten and that you know nothing about.
    Post edited by HungryJoe on
  • gomidoggomidog
    edited November 2008
    Aw, come on, lay off. I know nothing about it but what you told me, and I know that a girl who moves over seas and then breaks up with a dude is probably has different priorities than he does. She broke up with you. Fine. Don't let it bother you still. You are married to Carol, so it all worked out. This ex of yours obviously wanted to go do other things.
    Post edited by gomidog on
  • NuriNuri
    Without honesty and upfront communication a relationship cannot survive. You might stay together, but the relationship will break down. Obviously this is an issue you need to talk to your partner about. What is it that makes you feel this way? Identify the underlying cause of the insecurities and talk about it. It might be you, it might be something she is doing...it's quite possible there's a need you have that isn't being met. Last time I had this type of problem (in a close-proximity relationship, even) we went to a therapist who helped us get to the root problems. That may or may not be available to you, but you should give some thought to the reason you are feeling this way.
  • HungryJoeHungryJoe
    edited November 2008
    Aw, come on, lay off. I know nothing about it but what you told me, and I know that a girl who moves over seas and then breaks up with a dude is probably has different priorities than he does.
    In the interests of what I hoped would be brevity, I didn't map put the entire sordid thing. We were engaged to be married before she found that she would be able to do the Japan thing. Her Japan trip was supposed to be one of those temporary English teaching things. She was turned down at first, but then someone decided not to go. Once we found out that she would be able to go if she wanted, we had a lot of very serious conversations about whether she should go. She was willing to stay, but I told here that I didn't want her to have any regrets or harbor any resentment.

    The plan was that she was going to come back here for Christmas, we would have a Christmas wedding, and then I would go to Japan with her for the honeymoon before coming back here. It was kind of on the serious side and not just a case of someone "wanting to do other things" or "making new friends". If she "just wasn't as into it", she probably wouldn't have said "Yes, I'll marry you."

    I could go on, but the point is that this was one relationship that both people thought was strong but that didn't survive a long distance separation.
    Post edited by HungryJoe on
  • NuriNuri
    edited November 2008
    I could go on, but the point is that this was one relationship that both people thought was strong but that didn't survive a long distance separation.
    It does NOT have to be an issue of one person being less committed. You can love someone with all your heart and still not have your needs met in that relationship. It's sad but true. People have physical needs as well as intellectual/emotional needs. Much of the time, a long-distance relationship does not allow for some of those needs to be met. I happen to be one of those people that has a hard time with long-distance if I'm not getting a certain amount of physical time from somewhere. It is one of the reasons I live a slightly different lifestyle than most Americans. I'm very upfront about this in new relationships. Many people don't realize that these needs are so strong until the distance happens, and then there is sadness.
    Post edited by Nuri on
  • HungryJoeHungryJoe
    I could go on, but the point is that this was one relationship that both people thought was strong but that didn't survive a long distance separation.
    It does NOT have to be an issue of one person being less committed. You can love someone with all your heart and still not have your needs met in that relationship. It's sad but true. People have physical needs as well as intellectual/emotional needs. Much of the time, a long-distance relationship does not allow for some of those needs to be met. I happen to be one of those people that has a hard time with long-distance if I'm not getting a certain amount of physical time from somewhere. It is one of the reasons I live a slightly different lifestyle than most Americans. I'm very upfront about this in new relationships. Many people don't realize that these needs are so strong it until the distance happens, and then there is sadness.
    Nuri, you're so wise and good. I agree with what you say and it is much, much easier to believe that this is why my particular relationship went south. Thank you.
  • gomidoggomidog
    I will also agree with you, based on the new information. Nuri = smart.
  • NorvuNorvu
    Next month (to the day) will by my two year anniversary with my current girlfriend. I love in London, England and she lives in Miami, Florida. Thats thousands of miles and a 5 hours time zone difference. We've only had trust issues once and that was before we went out (I got close to some other girl whilst we were in the very flirty stage), but since then it's been pretty good. I've gone out there many times and whilst the relationship isn't perfect and she may not be the girl I spend the rest of my life with, we've made it work and I'm very happy right now. I'll be out there for 2 weeks next months and last summer I saved up money and quit my job and spent 3 months with her over the summer.

    You can make any relationship work if you really put everything you have into it, but if you don't trust them from the very beginning it's doomed to failure. Try to get out to see your girlfriend as much as you can (or get her to see you) or spend hours on skype together (usually my girlfriend and I spend about 2 hours a day on skype).
  • Kate MonsterKate Monster
    edited November 2008
    I could go on, but the point is that this was one relationship that both people thought was strong but that didn't survive a long distance separation.
    It does NOT have to be an issue of one person being less committed. You can love someone with all your heart and still not have your needs met in that relationship. It's sad but true. People have physical needs as well as intellectual/emotional needs. Much of the time, a long-distance relationship does not allow for some of those needs to be met. I happen to be one of those people that has a hard time with long-distance if I'm not getting a certain amount of physical time from somewhere. It is one of the reasons I live a slightly different lifestyle than most Americans. I'm very upfront about this in new relationships. Many people don't realize that these needs are so strong until the distance happens, and then there is sadness.
    I think that each person needs to evaluate their needs and honestly communicate them. If you will only be distant for a finite amount of time, this may help the situation. Indefinite time apart means that you should make a choice: One person move closer (if this is possible or this is a truly "life making" relationship) or end it before it gets messy, so that you can still be friends. As I said before, if you have trust issues or major insecurities, then this isn't a healthy relationship and it should end or drastically change.
    You can make any relationship work if you really put everything you have into it, but if you don't trust them from the very beginning it's doomed to failure. Try to get out to see your girlfriend as much as you can (or get her to see you) or spend hours on skype together (usually my girlfriend and I spend about 2 hours a day on skype).
    While there is work that goes into almost any relationship, it shouldn't feel like work most of the time.
    Post edited by Kate Monster on
  • ChurbaChurba
    Next month (to the day) will by my two year anniversary with my current girlfriend. I love in London, England and she lives in Miami, Florida. Thats thousands of miles and a 5 hours time zone difference.
    Know how you feel - Australia to Leeds, but luckily I didn't have any responsibilities that were not easily discharged, so I was able to move over here with her when her visa was about to run out.

    Epic fail - I moved over here a month after she went home, got to see her for about two weeks, and then she went off to go to university in Aberystwyth, and I'm stuck in Leeds because, well, Aberystwyth has pretty much nothing for you if you're not a student.
  • m16 elitestm16 elitest
    edited November 2008
    Turns out she was cheating and now she's regretting it. I ended it but she keeps trying to contact me and tells me she'll make everything right again. She's 16 hours away. I was a good bf, but she thought she had a hold on me and could never lose me. I don't know who this new person is, but I don't love her. I do wish the old person would come back though.
    Post edited by m16 elitest on
  • NuriNuri
    Sorry to hear. That really sucks, but good for you for sticking to your convictions. No one should take you for granted.
  • lackofcheeselackofcheese
    edited November 2008
    I'd argue that either the "old person" never really existed, or the "new person" doesn't.
    Also, yes, good on you.
    Post edited by lackofcheese on
  • George PatchesGeorge Patches
    Turns out she was cheating and now she's regretting it. I ended it but she keeps trying to contact me and tells me she'll make everything right again. She's 16 hours away. I was a good bf, but she thought she had a hold on me and could never lose me. I don't know who this new person is, but I don't love her. I do wish the old person would come back though.
    Ouch.............I'm not really sure what to say. :(
  • TheWhaleSharkTheWhaleShark
    Turns out she was cheating and now she's regretting it. I ended it but she keeps trying to contact me and tells me she'll make everything right again. She's 16 hours away. I was a good bf, but she thought she had a hold on me and could never lose me. I don't know who this new person is, but I don't love her. I do wish the old person would come back though.
    Ouch. Harsh. It sucks when your instincts are right. You did the right thing by ending it, though; if you were already distrusting, and then you find this out, it's a pretty good sign that it's not a healthy relationship.

    My two pieces of advice: hang out with your friends and stay single for a while to nurse your wounds, and don't let this impact your ability to trust.
  • m16 elitestm16 elitest
    edited November 2008
    Ouch. Harsh. It sucks when your instincts are right. You did the right thing by ending it, though; if you were already distrusting, and then you find this out, it's a pretty good sign that it's not a healthy relationship.

    My two pieces of advice: hang out with your friends and stay single for a while to nurse your wounds, and don't let this impact your ability to trust.
    She was a lot younger than me so that could be why too. She never actually admitted it, but her friends all say she did and she won't let me on her facebook. I'm not like most people.. my friends aren't ones I hang out with. I have social anxiety disorder that was probably worsened by my overprotective mother. Now there's times when my heart beats really fast for 5 minutes when I ask someone a question when others are listening.
    Post edited by m16 elitest on
  • OmnutiaOmnutia
    edited November 2008
    My two pieces of advice: hang out with your friends and stay single for a while to nurse your wounds, and don't let this impact your ability to trust.
    Post edited by Omnutia on
  • gomidoggomidog
    I have social anxiety disorder that was probably worsened by my overprotective mother. Now there's times when my heart beats really fast for 5 minutes when I ask someone a question when others are listening.
    I have two words for you: Exposure Therapy. It's rough, but that's how you kick anxiety disorders.
  • m16 elitestm16 elitest
    I have two words for you: Exposure Therapy. It's rough, but that's how you kick anxiety disorders.
    I know, and it is tough. I haven't had a real social life since probably elementary school and I'm 19. I just don't know where to start and what to do. It's just so foreign to me.
  • TheWhaleSharkTheWhaleShark
    I have two words for you: Exposure Therapy. It's rough, but that's how you kick anxiety disorders.
    I know, and it is tough. I haven't had a real social life since probably elementary school and I'm 19. I just don't know where to start and what to do. It's just so foreign to me.
    You're in college? Join a club or two. It's the best way to start.

    Also, how severe is it? Have you seen a therapist? Been medicated? If it's not medication-level bad, then you can kick it by trying.

    It's rough, but you can do it.
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