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This world feels so lonely
Through deep thought and self discovery, I have come to many conclusions about myself. I have come closer to becoming true to who I really am, for better and for worse.
But then I realize that a lot of people will think of who I am as a freak. I have to put up a facade, pretend I'm normal. The fact that there is so much ignorance, stereotyping, and hatred doesn't help at all. It's annoying that people seem to follow the hive mind, or perhaps form an opinion based on stereotypes as who I am. I bet I don't have to mention the drawbacks of stereotypes, especially considering that stereotypes hardly hold any weight to anyone that would congregate to this forum (like myself). Well, it's the internet so I can't really expect anything that bright.
Now I understand if I were to be myself at 100%, lots of people would be weirded out and I would turn into a social recluse. There's no way I would do that. We all have our secrets, right? You shouldn't really say that you're an obsessive collector of Hatsune Miku figures during your job interview unless it's somehow appropriate, and you sure as hell don't want to mention that foot fetish.
I must say, a lot of the time I always think "fuck societal norms, fuck 'em all to hell!" That's one thing English class has taught me. I almost never dress up unless my parents tell me to. I've grown my hair long since I was in 5th grade despite everyone teasing me about it. Yet there are times where the said fucking of societal norms will burn too many bridges; I recognize that certain norms shouldn't be fucked with unless you're prepared to face the consequences. When you get with your friends, however, those norms start to vanish. If anything, it is perfectly normal to yell "great, I'll grab my dick" among my friends (don't ask, seriously). Once I've been with my friends for a long time, I feel it's only fair for them to realise who I really am.
If anything, the main problem here and really the most important is that I am at a definite risk of losing some of my closer friends at the trade off of feeling free. If someone is going to be spending a large amount of time around me and with me, I want them to know who I really am, or else it starts to feel like I'm lying for my own gain.
Who I am is a large potential for hostility, and it makes me feel quite lonely. I shiver, not because my body is cold but because there is nothing to warm my heart.
But then I realize that a lot of people will think of who I am as a freak. I have to put up a facade, pretend I'm normal. The fact that there is so much ignorance, stereotyping, and hatred doesn't help at all. It's annoying that people seem to follow the hive mind, or perhaps form an opinion based on stereotypes as who I am. I bet I don't have to mention the drawbacks of stereotypes, especially considering that stereotypes hardly hold any weight to anyone that would congregate to this forum (like myself). Well, it's the internet so I can't really expect anything that bright.
Now I understand if I were to be myself at 100%, lots of people would be weirded out and I would turn into a social recluse. There's no way I would do that. We all have our secrets, right? You shouldn't really say that you're an obsessive collector of Hatsune Miku figures during your job interview unless it's somehow appropriate, and you sure as hell don't want to mention that foot fetish.
I must say, a lot of the time I always think "fuck societal norms, fuck 'em all to hell!" That's one thing English class has taught me. I almost never dress up unless my parents tell me to. I've grown my hair long since I was in 5th grade despite everyone teasing me about it. Yet there are times where the said fucking of societal norms will burn too many bridges; I recognize that certain norms shouldn't be fucked with unless you're prepared to face the consequences. When you get with your friends, however, those norms start to vanish. If anything, it is perfectly normal to yell "great, I'll grab my dick" among my friends (don't ask, seriously). Once I've been with my friends for a long time, I feel it's only fair for them to realise who I really am.
If anything, the main problem here and really the most important is that I am at a definite risk of losing some of my closer friends at the trade off of feeling free. If someone is going to be spending a large amount of time around me and with me, I want them to know who I really am, or else it starts to feel like I'm lying for my own gain.
Who I am is a large potential for hostility, and it makes me feel quite lonely. I shiver, not because my body is cold but because there is nothing to warm my heart.
Comments
EDIT: Seriously, though, whatever's going on, good luck with it.
Seriously though, unless your complaining because people will not agree with your love of raping, You can probably find a group of people who will accept you for what you are, just search the internet and move to where ever they will accept you as soon as possible.
If you just mean that people will be hostile towards you because of who you are, then that's nothing to worry about. That's the way of the world. All cool peoples live as their true selves. All the uncool people hide themselves and live as normies in order to fit in. Better off being the weird guy in the office with crazy stuff all over his desk than generic dude discussing reality TV shows by the water cooler.
And whatever it is, there is no way you are lonely, just look at the Internets.
2) Although many of my friends and acquaintances do not share my particular choices of lifestyle, I've never had a problem with people looking down on me or being unaccepting. You know why? Anyone who takes that attitude very quickly gets out of my life, because I don't need their crap and won't take it. There are plenty of people worth spending time with in this world. There is no reason to waste your time caring about the ones who aren't.
If your friends are worth being friends with, then not faking things around them won't be a problem. If you have to fake anything to hang out with these people, then they aren't worth being friends with.
3) Lighten up. Do the things you enjoy doing, and people with similar interests will naturally come into your life. This is, of course, assuming that you like to do soemthing other than sit in a room alone.
However, listening to the podcast is at the top of my list for cheering myself up. The lads can sometimes be infuriating in their continual optimism and arrogance; but if you listen, and aspire to that level of arrogant optimism, it really can be infectious. I've listened to podcast episodes on some of my worst days and I find in them the strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
University is a different matter. It's largely a self-selected peer group. You'll likely find that the friends you make in college (or the army, or whatever) teach you what friendship truly means. High school is the practice round. Many of the people you met there will go on to be losers of various stripes, or else will follow paths that are, at least from your perspective, patently uninteresting. (They will likely think the same if your path).
When it comes to high school friends, unless they are that rare exception, the same adage for food left in the fridge during a power outage applies:
When in doubt, throw it out.
My sins are not accidental, but a trade.
Actually, I think this one is a lot better than the first one. More pure motivation:
Joe, I've been through the same thing when I was younger. Basically I realized myself that it shouldn't be this way.
(Insert Viga's similar story here) And as it turns out my friends were that rare exception. It was a strange long road though.
EDIT: Easymodo...
Also, after reading all those courage wolfs and watching that video, I feel like punching a hole through the wall! I can't, though; we rent...