Thanks... It does explain some of my social issues though and it can be linked to depression due to the social awkwardness. The evaluation did say it was a fairly mild case too.
I'm going to a sleep lab soon. That should help me understand part my depression and output on a daily basis as I've always had trouble sleeping. I imagine worst case scenario would be something like sleep apnea, but I've considered hypersomnia or somnolence too.
My therapist said something intriguing that "80% of dealing with a mental illness comes from the environment." Starting to believe that as truth. Feeling a lot more confident, much more accepting of moving to a new city and applying for as many jobs as possible. (Thank goodness for Social Media Coordinator Positions) I've accepted that I would be so much happier moving even if it would inconvenience my family. And if my brother asks why I don't want to hang out with him anymore, I'm just going to tell him it's because he's an asshole who stresses me out.
My uncle is also getting a hell of a lot worse. He is not taking his medication and acting really crazy at his assisted living facility. Can nursing homes/assisted living homes allow that? He is clearly unstable enough to be a threat to others without medication, but the doctors/psych have not signed off on that. Is that only required for prisons/mental hospitals? It does make me worried what hidden medical concerns are in my family such as intense depression or schitzophrenia. Both sides of my family have issues with drug/alcohol addiction and strokes.
Even moving to a new apartment helped me a lot with sleep. Our old place was fine in some situations but I just got so used to not sleeping I just think I couldn't escape it.
So I got the results of my psych evaluation today. Turns out I have Asperger's. *shrugs*
Well, it's a spectrum, and you are definitely on the "cool as shit" side of that spectrum. You've always been good company, so I'd suggest not letting that revelation change your outward behavior. ^_~
I ADHD for sure, and I think a little Asperger's too. I feel like I have to put a lot of effort into understanding social cues. Maybe that's normal though, I've never been inside anyone else's head.
A lot of recent study suggests that ADHD and Aspergers are linked, especially in individuals on the Autism spectrum. That being said, if you're aware of your own shortfalls and can account for them, I wouldn't worry about it. I'm a standard issue human and I can have a lot of trouble with social cues too
Just rewatched this episode of Utena. I remember watching it when I was fifteen and being overwhelmed by feels. I was hoping that by the time I was 19 this wouldn't still ring true...
It's funny. It's not that I haven't experienced anything -- I generally think I've had a more eventful first nineteen years than most -- but the things I have experienced aren't the shared experiences that most people have by my age. At the same time, I don't know what it is I think I haven't done that would make me feel more grown up. Well, there's the obvious...
But that can't be the whole story. I'm certain there's more things grown ups do that I'm not doing. This transition from adolescence to adulthood can't be complete. Not with where I'm at.
How can I have so many friends and still feel all alone
So, catch up time for the life of Gregor. After finishing high school, it was abundantly clear that it made no sense to pursue higher education. This became a very difficult truth, as I spent my first 17 years under the assumption I would be going to college to study history. It rattled my sense of direction. So instead I'm trying to jump into the work force. After a year of looking on and off for a job or some form of unpaid work in the music industry, I'm still without occupation. Sure, there's a few pending opportunities, but I've suspended my hunt until my Mass Rehab intake later this month, as they will provide support to make it less stressful and more likely that I'll actually get the position they find for me.
But what does all this do to my mental health? It fucks it up something awful. My friends are gone. Most of them have forgotten me by now. Folks who saw me at my worst had no interest in keeping up with me, even though I was doing better than I'd ever been in my life for a while there. Those who remain in touch have still left physically. One's at RIT and one's at NYU. My friend David, who still lives in Boston and doesn't go to school, has left for Thailand and won't be back until January. My recently developed friend Dan has gone radio silence in the last week, meaning my geographically closest friend is in Providence. The isolation is awful. I live in my head, which has made me, as Thomas Jefferson said of Andrew Jackson, "a slave to [my] emotions". My cognition is still tied to reality -- a very sad and bleak reality, but nothing unreasonable like desires for self harm or suicide -- but physically and emotionally it is extremely difficult for me to break out of a funk without anyone to pull me out of it.
The net result is sloth. I have trouble getting myself to do things I used to enjoy. I have trouble getting myself to do the things I need to do. I have trouble getting myself to do things that I know will make me feel better. This last week I've been doing nothing but lying in bed listening to Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan. It's like the second half of 10th grade, when I had gotten past the "I want to kill myself" stage of depression, but still spent my days lying in bed listening to Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan -- except back then I at least had school. I had to interact with people daily. There were teachers who would always make me smile when I went into their classes. Now I've got nowhere to go to expose me to those people. I just talk to my family and a few of you guys. This might not sound bad to you, but as an extrovert with social anxiety, it's extremely difficult.
I understand that going to college is probably not a good idea. But the problem you are having of all the people disappearing is solved by... going to college.
When I left high school, I also left all those high school people behind. I guess I still know some of them, but I don't talk to them on any regular basis. They are a few random blips on Facebook, and that's it.
I went to RIT specifically because I knew it was nerd country. It was a place with a bunch of like-minded people and I could form a new crew, and I did. If I had stayed at home, I would have been in exactly your situation.
Now, I'm still not suggesting that you should actually go to college. It cost a fuckton of money, that was really not well spent. I learned things while getting my degree, but most of the knowledge I use at my job and in daily life I did not learn in any class. The piece of paper I got landed me a job, but I probably could have gotten that job without the degree. Every job since then really didn't give any shits about my degree. When I look at resumes, I also barely look at the person's education. Unless you want to be a doctor/lawyer/finance/bigcompany, etc. academic credentials hardly matter.
I think what you have to do is find a non-college place to go. It's a big world out there, so a place for you, statistically speaking, must exist. A place where there is a community of people who are your kind of people. It might not even be a place where you go and live. It could be a group that meets regularly.
A normal person would probably use a religious organization to fulfill this need, and I'm obviously not going to suggest that. But there are plenty of non-religious alternatives. I'm sure there is a musical collective you can join. Or maybe you could even get a job that provides the same thing. For example, you could go on tour with some indie band or something.
You may think your cup is half empty, but as someone stuck at a deck for 40 hours a week I can tell you that your cup overfloweth. You can do whatever the heck you want. If you want to sit at this desk for your entire week in exchange for money, I will be more than happy to trade you.
I also have confidence that you can figure it out. Going to college doesn't even necissarily help in that regard. I'm someone who is incredibly selective with friends. Even though I think I'm pretty easy to get along with I don't really connect with people that often. And even when I do it is usually cautious optimism. When I did move to a place where I didn't know anyone it wasn't until I started trying to find groups of people with similar interest to me before I even found people that I wanted to hang out with. Like Scott said just finding groups even locally can, at least if anything, get you on the right track to finding the right group.
Thanks, guys. I am already looking for opportunities. I've applied to a few positions in the local music industry. Even got an interview for one of them. And I've been helping a local band with some stuff ("online presence coordinator" is my official title), and Pete's talking about a Europe tour this spring that I might be able to get in on (they've been touring Europe every few years since the 90s, so I don't think it's shittalk). I'm also trying to get myself to go to open mic nights in the hope of meeting some folks through that, but it's very difficult to get myself out of bed and to the club.
My advice is search for a musical co-op in which 7-8 people split rent at a house to work in music. In NY I can almost guarantee you can find one.
I did not know those were a thing. This is definitely a thing that needs investigation. My one concern is difficulty getting a job, since I have literally no experience doing anything professionally.
I did not know those were a thing. This is definitely a thing that needs investigation. My one concern is difficulty getting a job, since I have literally no experience doing anything professionally.
You may have to get a job doing something you don't want to do. At least at Starbucks you get health care. Still, there are a lot of surprising jobs out there if you look wide and far enough.
Another option is to do very many seasonal and part-time jobs. If you can't stand doing any one thing for long, you can at least go for a few days and then take a break to recover. Work at a county fair that's only in town for a week. Then temp for a caterer who has to suddenly serve a huge party for one night. Find a temp agency and load pie trays into a machine for a night (Rym did this).
This is something most of us deal with. It's adult life. Even people like me who do not suffer from depression have to be less than happy for a significant portion of our adult lives doing bullshit just to get money to survive. Other than winning a lottery and becoming idly rich, there is no other way out.
I used to think this was just our society and I could run away to a different place where I could have a different lifestyle. That is apparently not true. Even cavemen couldn't lounge in the cave all day. They had to go hunt and forage no matter how much it sucked.
This is why we read the cyberpunk novels like Diamond Age and the Ghost in the Shell and work in technology. That kind of future is our only hope. Obi Wan surely isn't.
Then temp for a caterer who has to suddenly serve a huge party for one night. Find a temp agency and load pie trays into a machine for a night (Rym did this).
That's actually good advice. If you need to be shaken up, and also need money, temp agencies will send you to a dozen different jobs in a month. I worked all of the following when I did this at RIT.
Catering server Catering dishwasher Clerk (payroll stuff) Pie factory line worker Proofreader Letter folder (not even joking) Painter
Should have thrown in "nude model" for good measure.
I didn't do that one for the temp agency, but I know people who did. That was one of the things they sent people out for. One of the questions when I signed up was if I was comfortable being nude.
I did not know those were a thing. This is definitely a thing that needs investigation. My one concern is difficulty getting a job, since I have literally no experience doing anything professionally.
You may have to get a job doing something you don't want to do. At least at Starbucks you get health care. Still, there are a lot of surprising jobs out there if you look wide and far enough.
For years I've been okay with that I would need a numbing at best day job to support myself trying to do what I want. But even those jobs are difficult to get without experience or reference. Which is why I'm mostly waiting on Mass Rehab to help me. It'll be less stressful with the support, and more likely to succeed with the reference.
Then temp for a caterer who has to suddenly serve a huge party for one night. Find a temp agency and load pie trays into a machine for a night (Rym did this).
That's actually good advice. If you need to be shaken up, and also need money, temp agencies will send you to a dozen different jobs in a month. I worked all of the following when I did this at RIT.
Agreed. I've worked for temp agencies, though they tend to be MUCH more specific down here(ie, Hospitality temps, construction temps, etc). But you know how I have a LOT of stories that start with "I was a (Job) for a while, and..." - yeah, pretty much same gig. It shakes you up and earns a coin, plus you can get some pretty valuable skills and contacts. 90% of my jobs have come from knowing a guy, who maybe knows a guy.
I did not know those were a thing. This is definitely a thing that needs investigation. My one concern is difficulty getting a job, since I have literally no experience doing anything professionally.
You may have to get a job doing something you don't want to do. At least at Starbucks you get health care. Still, there are a lot of surprising jobs out there if you look wide and far enough.
For years I've been okay with that I would need a numbing at best day job to support myself trying to do what I want. But even those jobs are difficult to get without experience or reference.
I'm checking out an app my sister recommended. She is taking a course (for her masters in teaching) on video game learning. It is called SuperBetter, free on the google play store, I'd assume the same on iphone, or you can play on your PC if you don't have a smart phone. I've been poking around on it to see the features, I'm playing in Depression mode, but there are all kids of different modes and custom modes for other circumstances, like divorce, head injury, job promotions, just about anything you struggle with. It is a little bit silly feeling at first, kind of like, well DUH!, but as I started looking around I realized that it really is based on the little things I've worked on for years and years to cope with my depression and it seems like it would be helpful to have your known "bad guys" listed for you to see and "fight" each day, even the days when my mood is good. You can add your own "power boosts" basically things in your future that you're looking forward to, like a trip or coffee with a friend, whatever. I'm still figuring out the specifics, but let me know if you decide to try it out. https://superbetter.com/sign_in
I'm really not ok. I just can't handle this anymore. I know I don't even work that many hours but I feel like its stealing my life and I can barely make it through a shift without breaking down. And I feel like its going to ruin my Christmas because I can only be home for barely two days and I have two long shifts right afterwards. And Its not even "worth it" because I still can't support myself on it so I'm still going to need another job but the thought of that is a panic attack in it self.
I'm really not ok. I just can't handle this anymore. I know I don't even work that many hours but I feel like its stealing my life and I can barely make it through a shift without breaking down. And I feel like its going to ruin my Christmas because I can only be home for barely two days and I have two long shifts right afterwards. And Its not even "worth it" because I still can't support myself on it so I'm still going to need another job but the thought of that is a panic attack in it self.
Every single person here wit a job is suffering the same way. I work the least of employed people I know, less than 40 hours a week. I still feel like my life is wasting away with the majority of my best waking hours during a week behind a desk. My only viable alternatives are to starve, leech off someone else, become a vagrant, etc. This is the society that existed before we were born, and it isn't at all realistic to think we can bring about its collapse and reformation. So my strategy has just been to keep working as few hours as possible and make the most I can of the hours I'm not stuck in some office.
As bad as this is. The stress of being homeless, starving, or sick without medical care, is WAY WAY worse.
Ninja, I am so sorry for what you are going through. While Apreche is right that many people hate their jobs, I think the difference between his situation and yours is that you are finding it difficult to be functional. Hating work is one thing - fighting breakdowns and panic attacks every shift is another. I don't think "suck it up" advice is useful to you right now. You sound like you are approaching the limits of your coping.
The only thing I can really suggest is to take your distress and struggle seriously. I don't know what your insurance situation is like, but you owe it to yourself to look for counseling or see your doctor. Also, be kind to yourself. Build something restful of comforting into your day if possible. Eat well and sleep enough to the extent you can manage. Self-care is your friend. Letting your friends or family know that you are dealing with extreme anxiety that makes it hard for you to get through the day might help, too, if they're trustworthy people. See if you can draw together a support system.
Lastly, a change of job might help. Are there particular things about this position that trigger anxiety for you? Is there some other kind of work that would suit you better? Is the environment of the job itself just bad? I changed between two low-wage jobs and the difference between them, in terms of environment and stress, was incredible. I'm still struggling with anxiety and a situation much like yours, but it CAN get better. Maybe "dream job" isn't in sight for now, but with some patience and reaching out, you can get to "functional."
I'd definitely look for better jobs even if you don't think you could get them. The simple effort of finding an awesome looking job, putting together your resume, and going for it (while still keeping your current job of course) might add some positive structure to your life. It's both an active effort to get out of your current situation and something to focus on every time the current situation feels out of control.
I'm sick of all this discussion of the stigma. It's not that the stigma is good, but it demonstrates an ignorance of what's actually going on in mental health. As we understand mental health better we're adding more people to the "mentally ill" category, and simultaneously we have been dismantling the system of providing care for those people since the advent of Thorazine. Pharmaceuticals are expensive to the point where I know people who have gone off their anti-psychotics so that they could pay rent. And if you need inpatient you're fucked. I have a friend who spent two weeks in an ER after he OD'd waiting for a bed, which wound up being at the place that had failed to get him clean twice before. I live in Boston, a city with more (and better) hospitals than the vast majority of the country, and even here that sort of event is far from unusual. When we're up against these sorts of obstacles, I have trouble getting worked up on someone saying something stupid on Facebook. That shit doesn't help. I wasn't particularly private about my diagnosis when I first got it. The reaction that pissed me off wasn't any sort of discrimination, it was all the people saying they were "there for me". As if they can do a damn thing about it. These are the same people who say that mental illness is like a broken bone, which makes me wonder how they would act if I broke a bone. Do you try to treat your friend's broken bone? No. You let the professionals make sure it heals. You accommodate them for their disability -- opening doors and taking elevators and whatnot -- but you know that the heart of the issue isn't something you can do anything about.
TL;DR quit bitching about stigma, start bitching about insufficient resources for care.
Just some thoughts I've been having in the form of a letter to myself. Up until the end of September life had been continuously wonderful but now I feel like I'm ruining things over and over again. We've both grown in such amazing ways.
I am this great guy and I’ve got proof of it. We’ve had the most wonderful year of our lives and achieved levels of closeness and comfort that we’d never done before. But I’m visited by a joyless me that wants to be weak, run away and revel in a smug lonely comfort. When he visits my laugh becomes hollow, my smile empty. And Laura notices and it upsets her. I want to say no to this beast but it doesn’t work because saying no acknowledges he’s there to be told. I need to instead say yes to the great guy I know I am. But I forget those qualities exist when I need them most. I feel like I am constantly trying to be the great guy but to acknowledge that I’m trying is to admit that I’m not that person. I feel dishonest, like an actor. I know I am at my happiest when I let these issues go and don’t even have to think about them. Laura proved this to me on a catamaran. By listening to her I overcame my seasickness and we had a wonderful day. Now there are reminders of my darkness that pave the way for it to return. It's become part of our history that wasn't there before. Keeping it out is a full time concentration. Letting it in only takes a second. It may not even last very long but it is noticed and has a lasting effect. I pretend it’s not there because the honest thing to do would be putting it back onto our shared agenda when to forget it is the known answer.
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Talking to people became much easier once I discovered my "Stage Personality".
Related to the topic, tho, I just got approved for SSI.
My therapist said something intriguing that "80% of dealing with a mental illness comes from the environment." Starting to believe that as truth. Feeling a lot more confident, much more accepting of moving to a new city and applying for as many jobs as possible. (Thank goodness for Social Media Coordinator Positions) I've accepted that I would be so much happier moving even if it would inconvenience my family. And if my brother asks why I don't want to hang out with him anymore, I'm just going to tell him it's because he's an asshole who stresses me out.
My uncle is also getting a hell of a lot worse. He is not taking his medication and acting really crazy at his assisted living facility. Can nursing homes/assisted living homes allow that? He is clearly unstable enough to be a threat to others without medication, but the doctors/psych have not signed off on that. Is that only required for prisons/mental hospitals? It does make me worried what hidden medical concerns are in my family such as intense depression or schitzophrenia. Both sides of my family have issues with drug/alcohol addiction and strokes.
It's funny. It's not that I haven't experienced anything -- I generally think I've had a more eventful first nineteen years than most -- but the things I have experienced aren't the shared experiences that most people have by my age. At the same time, I don't know what it is I think I haven't done that would make me feel more grown up. Well, there's the obvious...
But that can't be the whole story. I'm certain there's more things grown ups do that I'm not doing. This transition from adolescence to adulthood can't be complete. Not with where I'm at.
But what does all this do to my mental health? It fucks it up something awful. My friends are gone. Most of them have forgotten me by now. Folks who saw me at my worst had no interest in keeping up with me, even though I was doing better than I'd ever been in my life for a while there. Those who remain in touch have still left physically. One's at RIT and one's at NYU. My friend David, who still lives in Boston and doesn't go to school, has left for Thailand and won't be back until January. My recently developed friend Dan has gone radio silence in the last week, meaning my geographically closest friend is in Providence. The isolation is awful. I live in my head, which has made me, as Thomas Jefferson said of Andrew Jackson, "a slave to [my] emotions". My cognition is still tied to reality -- a very sad and bleak reality, but nothing unreasonable like desires for self harm or suicide -- but physically and emotionally it is extremely difficult for me to break out of a funk without anyone to pull me out of it.
The net result is sloth. I have trouble getting myself to do things I used to enjoy. I have trouble getting myself to do the things I need to do. I have trouble getting myself to do things that I know will make me feel better. This last week I've been doing nothing but lying in bed listening to Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan. It's like the second half of 10th grade, when I had gotten past the "I want to kill myself" stage of depression, but still spent my days lying in bed listening to Bruce Springsteen and Bob Dylan -- except back then I at least had school. I had to interact with people daily. There were teachers who would always make me smile when I went into their classes. Now I've got nowhere to go to expose me to those people. I just talk to my family and a few of you guys. This might not sound bad to you, but as an extrovert with social anxiety, it's extremely difficult.
When I left high school, I also left all those high school people behind. I guess I still know some of them, but I don't talk to them on any regular basis. They are a few random blips on Facebook, and that's it.
I went to RIT specifically because I knew it was nerd country. It was a place with a bunch of like-minded people and I could form a new crew, and I did. If I had stayed at home, I would have been in exactly your situation.
Now, I'm still not suggesting that you should actually go to college. It cost a fuckton of money, that was really not well spent. I learned things while getting my degree, but most of the knowledge I use at my job and in daily life I did not learn in any class. The piece of paper I got landed me a job, but I probably could have gotten that job without the degree. Every job since then really didn't give any shits about my degree. When I look at resumes, I also barely look at the person's education. Unless you want to be a doctor/lawyer/finance/bigcompany, etc. academic credentials hardly matter.
I think what you have to do is find a non-college place to go. It's a big world out there, so a place for you, statistically speaking, must exist. A place where there is a community of people who are your kind of people. It might not even be a place where you go and live. It could be a group that meets regularly.
A normal person would probably use a religious organization to fulfill this need, and I'm obviously not going to suggest that. But there are plenty of non-religious alternatives. I'm sure there is a musical collective you can join. Or maybe you could even get a job that provides the same thing. For example, you could go on tour with some indie band or something.
You may think your cup is half empty, but as someone stuck at a deck for 40 hours a week I can tell you that your cup overfloweth. You can do whatever the heck you want. If you want to sit at this desk for your entire week in exchange for money, I will be more than happy to trade you.
Another option is to do very many seasonal and part-time jobs. If you can't stand doing any one thing for long, you can at least go for a few days and then take a break to recover. Work at a county fair that's only in town for a week. Then temp for a caterer who has to suddenly serve a huge party for one night. Find a temp agency and load pie trays into a machine for a night (Rym did this).
This is something most of us deal with. It's adult life. Even people like me who do not suffer from depression have to be less than happy for a significant portion of our adult lives doing bullshit just to get money to survive. Other than winning a lottery and becoming idly rich, there is no other way out.
I used to think this was just our society and I could run away to a different place where I could have a different lifestyle. That is apparently not true. Even cavemen couldn't lounge in the cave all day. They had to go hunt and forage no matter how much it sucked.
This is why we read the cyberpunk novels like Diamond Age and the Ghost in the Shell and work in technology. That kind of future is our only hope. Obi Wan surely isn't.
Catering server
Catering dishwasher
Clerk (payroll stuff)
Pie factory line worker
Proofreader
Letter folder (not even joking)
Painter
https://superbetter.com/sign_in
As bad as this is. The stress of being homeless, starving, or sick without medical care, is WAY WAY worse.
The only thing I can really suggest is to take your distress and struggle seriously. I don't know what your insurance situation is like, but you owe it to yourself to look for counseling or see your doctor. Also, be kind to yourself. Build something restful of comforting into your day if possible. Eat well and sleep enough to the extent you can manage. Self-care is your friend. Letting your friends or family know that you are dealing with extreme anxiety that makes it hard for you to get through the day might help, too, if they're trustworthy people. See if you can draw together a support system.
Lastly, a change of job might help. Are there particular things about this position that trigger anxiety for you? Is there some other kind of work that would suit you better? Is the environment of the job itself just bad? I changed between two low-wage jobs and the difference between them, in terms of environment and stress, was incredible. I'm still struggling with anxiety and a situation much like yours, but it CAN get better. Maybe "dream job" isn't in sight for now, but with some patience and reaching out, you can get to "functional."
And if one of those attempts pans out? SCORE.
TL;DR quit bitching about stigma, start bitching about insufficient resources for care.
I am this great guy and I’ve got proof of it. We’ve had the most wonderful year of our lives and achieved levels of closeness and comfort that we’d never done before.
But I’m visited by a joyless me that wants to be weak, run away and revel in a smug lonely comfort.
When he visits my laugh becomes hollow, my smile empty. And Laura notices and it upsets her.
I want to say no to this beast but it doesn’t work because saying no acknowledges he’s there to be told.
I need to instead say yes to the great guy I know I am. But I forget those qualities exist when I need them most.
I feel like I am constantly trying to be the great guy but to acknowledge that I’m trying is to admit that I’m not that person. I feel dishonest, like an actor.
I know I am at my happiest when I let these issues go and don’t even have to think about them. Laura proved this to me on a catamaran. By listening to her I overcame my seasickness and we had a wonderful day.
Now there are reminders of my darkness that pave the way for it to return. It's become part of our history that wasn't there before.
Keeping it out is a full time concentration. Letting it in only takes a second. It may not even last very long but it is noticed and has a lasting effect.
I pretend it’s not there because the honest thing to do would be putting it back onto our shared agenda when to forget it is the known answer.