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Battle of the Sexes
Deborah Cameron's new book The Myth of Mars and Venus: Do Men and Women Really Speak Different Languages? is about how men and women might not argue as differently as some would have us believe.
What do you think of the argument that men and women argue differently? Is it stupidly obvious or does Ms. Cameron have some sort of profound insight?
What do you think of the argument that men and women argue differently? Is it stupidly obvious or does Ms. Cameron have some sort of profound insight?
Comments
"Hmmmm. . . it would be nice if I had a large box I could use to store the dog toys."
Two hours later:
"Do you have that box for me yet?"
Me: "What box?"
"That box I wanted."
Or:
"I can't seem to find my keys."
Five minutes later:
"Why aren't you helping me find my keys?"
And what is it with the preternatural senses of smell and hearing?:
"It smells musty in here."
Me: "I can't smell anything."
At 2:00 a.m.:
"What was that?!! Do you hear that?"
Me: "No."
Women tend to communicate with a social focus. Men often times call this emotional, but I think social is a more descriptive word. They speak to illicit response in the form of thoughts as well as feelings. They use the language to cause conversation rather than make a decision.
I wouldn't say that these differences only happen during arguments, but men tend to notice them more in arguments because there's a problem for them to solve.
This isn't to say that a difference in semantics makes one gender more logical or unable to make decisions. They're different methods of communication that are both capable of logic, reasoning, and decisioning making. There are other methods of semantic argument (for example, lawyers argue a point differently than journalists do) that are less obvious I think.
The key to successful communication in the face of differing semantics is to learn the differences and similarities so that you can communicate to other individuals. While books and research like this are useful tools, you still have to be able to recognize when someone is talking to you with a 'social focus' or 'decision focus'. I work with a lot of women who can just as easily take 'decision focused' semantics as 'social focused' and they're both important.
Meanwhile male friends talk about problems they are having less often. When they do talk about them, they are usually looking for solutions. Quite often, it is difficult to provide a solution because they wouldn't have asked for advice if it were something they could solve themselves. At this point we usually end up coming up with solutions and weighing the pros and cons of each.
My wife is a project manager which is a total trip because she can go from one moment talking about work, career, whatever application her team is developing in a completely decision focused manner and the next moment be in social centric mode about the very same thing! As her husband I get to see both sides though I'd suspect at work it's just the one.
As I mentioned above, I see it a lot at work where decision focused language is typically more appropriate.
It's something that's identifiable I think though. I mean, I may have troubles not supplying my solutions or decisions to a social/emotive conversation, but I can at least add to my solutioning a bit of emoting . . . as long as I recognize it.
For example: Any question a woman asks with a social focus is always rhetorical. It has an implied answer (see hungryjoe's examples) and you are expected, as a social convention, to respond to the answer, not the question.
I guess I could learn to speak "implied speak", but wouldn't it be easier to just be direct?
I have also found that when I attempt to use the same manner of speaking, "my throat sure is parched," while she is getting a drink from the kitchen she invariably does not get me a drink but instead waits until she sits down to ask me if I wanted something.
All kidding aside, I find myself doing that, and it annoys me. I try my best not to do it and be direct and upfront with my boyfriend whenever I want him to do something like chores. However, from personal experience, my reasonings for having "implied speak" with my boyfriend is because I think it would be nice if he were to do things for me without having to tell him about it. I dunno. I guess it makes me feel special because it tells me that he is thinking about me and wants to do things for me. >.>
Yeah, I know, it's sounds pretty bat shit crazy, but that's just how I think/feel. I know he cares about me, but every now and then it's always nice to have something done for you, no matter how small or insignificant or large it is.
*edit*
It took a while for me to respond because our work loss teh internets
LOL, I really don't know how to respond to that. I'm trying to think of certain occasions where my boyfriend would ask me to do something, and for most part, I really can't recollect anything. I don't think he asks much of me. >.> Man, that sounds kinda weird to me. I really can't recall a significant moment where he asks something of me.
And "something sweet". She'll often send me out for "something sweet". She'll never say exactly what. So I'll end up at a store thinking, "Does she want Ring Dings? Mallomars? Milanos? WHAT?!!"
When you're dating this is called 'the game'. This is the cat and mouse game that you loved. Now that you're serious you don't want to prove your love on a daily basis? That makes you a sorry excuse for a man if you ask me.
I think this is a little off topic though. We're now talking about a specific example of semantic differences that happens in relationships. Good conversation though! You live in a cynical sitcom and it's awesome.
Oh yes, we had out ten year anniversary on Oct 30.
I personally like small things vs. big things. Big things can get too expensive. Small things, can be easier to get. LOL. That's pretty harsh. I don't think I'm in that sort of boat. Kinda reminds me of the time after Christmas, my boyfriend and I went on an epic journey to find a Pink DS Lite, and it was pretty stupid of us because we didn't realize that they were pretty much sold out everywhere. However, after hours of searching, calling, driving in nasty stormy weather, we were able to find a Pink DS Lite for me, and I gave my old white DS Lite to him. So it was a mutual-beneficial trek to the ends of the earth for ultimate gaming for us!
It's really unfair to act like you don't love doing these things for the woman you care about because you're going to make the other women in the 'room' feel guilty for wanting these very things. Just admit it! You love doing things like that for your wife. When you get it right, it makes you feel just as good as it makes her feel.