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Dream Lover
Okay, I searched for a topic or even discussions like this, but couldn't find them. Partly because of the new software, but mostly because I've just been too depressed to really search exhaustively.
So, if you have an objection that this has already been discussed, or that this is stupid, tell it to the marines. I don't care. I'll just erase it by whispering the topic to myself (if that still works).
I've been thinking some lately about what I would look for in a mate if I were looking now and knowing what I know now. This does not mean that I'm getting ready to be unfaithful or anything. This is more of just a contigency list, or maybe even a reminder to myself if reincarnation exists, about things I'd like to see in a potential mate.
CAUTION - SOME OF THESE ARE MEANT TO BE JOKES.
1. No smoking - I know, sounds funny from me. I have no problem with smoking in and of itself, but things have gotten so difficult lately with regards to smoking that being with someone who smokes regularly severely limits your prospects of doing things. It's hard to go to the movies, the mall, to a restaurant, a bar, or just about anyplace, especially when the person can't go for more than two hours without a cigarette. This is a major problem.
That being said, I really don't mind the occasional smoking, and she should not mind the occasional smoking. She just can't have a regular habit that makes it difficult to go out.
2. I was going to say no lawyers, but one good thing about most lawyers is that, because of their training, they're much more liable to allow you to say what you want, and then respond, without a lot of interruptions. Seriously - if there's one thing that most lawyers have in common, it's that they'll let you speak and finish what you want to say before they respond. I really like that. I hate it when people interrupt.
3. She needs to have a healthy appreciation for geeky, nerdy things in all forms.
4. If she's one of those people who think they need a TV on all the time for background noise, she must be satisfied with the music channels.
5. She must appreciate certain types of music. If her only comment about Jpop, Jazz, or Blues is, "That's too strange", then it's not going to work.
6. She must not have a problem with owning firearms, motorcycles, or explosives.
7. It's okay to watch a rom-com every once in awhile, but no one needs to see 27 Dresses more than 27 times.
Lemma: No Goldie Hawn. Ever.
Corollary: No Julia Roberts, especially the execrable The Runaway Bride. That's one of those movies that, if I were the male lead, would have lasted about fifteen minutes. "Oh, so the story is that she always runs away at the altar? Am I supposed to find that attractive? Charming? Endearing? Well, sorry, but I don't. She's not that great a catch. Also, I don't think I could afford to pay for all the toothpaste she must go throught to clean those enormous teeth. I'm out."
Steel Magnolias is straight out. There is nothing funny or worthwhile about that movie. I know, because I've unwillingly seen it more times than I've seen Star Wars.
9. She must not have a problem with big dogs, like Dobermans, or black cats.
10. She must realize that people cannot read her mind. Why is this so hard? If you want something, just ask for it. I cannot make the determination that you want me to go out and get you a slice of cheesecake at 10:00 p.m. on a Tuesday night solely based on your body language.
11. She must not have this "style" predilection do popular with women of a certain age - that they basically want their house to look like a zen garden. I like roccoco, art-nouveau, victorian clutter. Deal.
12. The house does not have to be as clean as an operating room at Mercy Hospital.
13. Pizza is good. She must like pizza.
14. She must not have superhuman senses. I am so tired of being told that a bar smells bad or that a Yankee candle smells good. Bullshit! First of all, a bar is supposed to smell bad, and I really don't believe you can smell that stupid candle. This also applies to super-hearing. If you're asleep in the bedroom on the main floor of a house with a white noise machine supplying a "Beach Sounds" track, you cannot hear me in the basement watching, The Magnificent Seven. Don't tell me you can, because I don't believe it. I can barely hear it myself, and I'm sitting less than two feet away.
15. If we have a fireplace, she must not constantly worry that the house will catch afire if there are more than tow pieces of wood in the fireplace.
16. If you need ten pair of black shoes, don't question my need for ten different Batman Action Figures.
Lemma: Don't freak out if I have a sword. It's just a replica. It's not functional. It's not dangerous. In fact - stop it with the worrying about how everything is dangerous.
17. Seriously, if you're going to watch the many, many hours of all that wedding and fashion bullshit they have on TV these days, you can surely tolerate me watching We Were Soldiers every once in awhile.
Lemma: She must be able to tolerate horror movies - and tolerate them without complainign that she'll "have nightmares". The only nightmare I've had that was caused by a horror movie in the past thirty years was concerned with how badly made the movie was. I dreamed that I was the director and everyone laughed at me because my movie sucked. That's the type of nightmare that a horror movie might give me.
18. I'm a bad driver. I know I'm a bad driver. My driving sucks. If you date me for awhile, you'll know it sucks too. Armed with this knowledge of my lack of driving skill, don't ask me to drive you somewhere and then criticize my driving. You know that I don't do it well. If you want a professional driver, catch a cab.
19. If you don't complain about how many books I have, I won't complain about how many stuffed animals you have.
20. If I ask if you know what the weather will be like, I don't need to know the dew point, or which low and high pressure fronts are in conflict overhead. If I want to hear from Al Roker, I'll track him down. All I want to know from you is if I need an umbrella.
21. If you watch a movie, watch it. Don't do your makeup, pick your toenails, tweeze out stray moustache hairs, get up and fix an english muffin with jam, etc. There are things going on in the movie. I normally wouldn't care, but I know that, after you've settled down, you'll want me to fill you in on the movie as if I'm the CliffsNotes for the movie. Take some Ritalin and sit still.
Have I missed anything?
So, if you have an objection that this has already been discussed, or that this is stupid, tell it to the marines. I don't care. I'll just erase it by whispering the topic to myself (if that still works).
I've been thinking some lately about what I would look for in a mate if I were looking now and knowing what I know now. This does not mean that I'm getting ready to be unfaithful or anything. This is more of just a contigency list, or maybe even a reminder to myself if reincarnation exists, about things I'd like to see in a potential mate.
CAUTION - SOME OF THESE ARE MEANT TO BE JOKES.
1. No smoking - I know, sounds funny from me. I have no problem with smoking in and of itself, but things have gotten so difficult lately with regards to smoking that being with someone who smokes regularly severely limits your prospects of doing things. It's hard to go to the movies, the mall, to a restaurant, a bar, or just about anyplace, especially when the person can't go for more than two hours without a cigarette. This is a major problem.
That being said, I really don't mind the occasional smoking, and she should not mind the occasional smoking. She just can't have a regular habit that makes it difficult to go out.
2. I was going to say no lawyers, but one good thing about most lawyers is that, because of their training, they're much more liable to allow you to say what you want, and then respond, without a lot of interruptions. Seriously - if there's one thing that most lawyers have in common, it's that they'll let you speak and finish what you want to say before they respond. I really like that. I hate it when people interrupt.
3. She needs to have a healthy appreciation for geeky, nerdy things in all forms.
4. If she's one of those people who think they need a TV on all the time for background noise, she must be satisfied with the music channels.
5. She must appreciate certain types of music. If her only comment about Jpop, Jazz, or Blues is, "That's too strange", then it's not going to work.
6. She must not have a problem with owning firearms, motorcycles, or explosives.
7. It's okay to watch a rom-com every once in awhile, but no one needs to see 27 Dresses more than 27 times.
Lemma: No Goldie Hawn. Ever.
Corollary: No Julia Roberts, especially the execrable The Runaway Bride. That's one of those movies that, if I were the male lead, would have lasted about fifteen minutes. "Oh, so the story is that she always runs away at the altar? Am I supposed to find that attractive? Charming? Endearing? Well, sorry, but I don't. She's not that great a catch. Also, I don't think I could afford to pay for all the toothpaste she must go throught to clean those enormous teeth. I'm out."
Steel Magnolias is straight out. There is nothing funny or worthwhile about that movie. I know, because I've unwillingly seen it more times than I've seen Star Wars.
9. She must not have a problem with big dogs, like Dobermans, or black cats.
10. She must realize that people cannot read her mind. Why is this so hard? If you want something, just ask for it. I cannot make the determination that you want me to go out and get you a slice of cheesecake at 10:00 p.m. on a Tuesday night solely based on your body language.
11. She must not have this "style" predilection do popular with women of a certain age - that they basically want their house to look like a zen garden. I like roccoco, art-nouveau, victorian clutter. Deal.
12. The house does not have to be as clean as an operating room at Mercy Hospital.
13. Pizza is good. She must like pizza.
14. She must not have superhuman senses. I am so tired of being told that a bar smells bad or that a Yankee candle smells good. Bullshit! First of all, a bar is supposed to smell bad, and I really don't believe you can smell that stupid candle. This also applies to super-hearing. If you're asleep in the bedroom on the main floor of a house with a white noise machine supplying a "Beach Sounds" track, you cannot hear me in the basement watching, The Magnificent Seven. Don't tell me you can, because I don't believe it. I can barely hear it myself, and I'm sitting less than two feet away.
15. If we have a fireplace, she must not constantly worry that the house will catch afire if there are more than tow pieces of wood in the fireplace.
16. If you need ten pair of black shoes, don't question my need for ten different Batman Action Figures.
Lemma: Don't freak out if I have a sword. It's just a replica. It's not functional. It's not dangerous. In fact - stop it with the worrying about how everything is dangerous.
17. Seriously, if you're going to watch the many, many hours of all that wedding and fashion bullshit they have on TV these days, you can surely tolerate me watching We Were Soldiers every once in awhile.
Lemma: She must be able to tolerate horror movies - and tolerate them without complainign that she'll "have nightmares". The only nightmare I've had that was caused by a horror movie in the past thirty years was concerned with how badly made the movie was. I dreamed that I was the director and everyone laughed at me because my movie sucked. That's the type of nightmare that a horror movie might give me.
18. I'm a bad driver. I know I'm a bad driver. My driving sucks. If you date me for awhile, you'll know it sucks too. Armed with this knowledge of my lack of driving skill, don't ask me to drive you somewhere and then criticize my driving. You know that I don't do it well. If you want a professional driver, catch a cab.
19. If you don't complain about how many books I have, I won't complain about how many stuffed animals you have.
20. If I ask if you know what the weather will be like, I don't need to know the dew point, or which low and high pressure fronts are in conflict overhead. If I want to hear from Al Roker, I'll track him down. All I want to know from you is if I need an umbrella.
21. If you watch a movie, watch it. Don't do your makeup, pick your toenails, tweeze out stray moustache hairs, get up and fix an english muffin with jam, etc. There are things going on in the movie. I normally wouldn't care, but I know that, after you've settled down, you'll want me to fill you in on the movie as if I'm the CliffsNotes for the movie. Take some Ritalin and sit still.
Have I missed anything?
Post edited by HungryJoe on
Comments
2) Huge nerd
3) Saves the drama for her mama
2. Similar enough interests to mine that we can share activities whenever. Some differences are good, so open-mindedness would be great.
3. A deep love of music, with similar tastes to my own. Definitely the hardest one to come by so far, because it's damn hard to find a metalhead who still enjoys jazz, rap, pop, etc.
4. Understands that I need time to myself every now and again. Definitely important, this has screwed me over before.
5. Has some amount of self-confidence. Everyone has their issues, but my Ex had issues to the point that it started fucking me up as well. Since then, too, other friends of mine have had these sorts of problems, and expected me to fix everything for them. So, this is now a major, major, major necessity of mine.
Fine.
22. I'm a guy. I will make sounds that you might not like. When I eat soup, I might make an occasional slurping sound. I won't be overly gross about it, but you shouldn't be overly sensitive about it. Like just now. I can't believe you actually heard that.
Also, I'm liable to make some grunting noises when I wake in the morning or even when I lift a heavy object. It has been scientifically proven that grunting noises help men lift heavy objects. I also might make a face when I lift a heavy object. None of these things should invite a comment from you. If you want me to shift your couch, you might hear a grunt and see a face. That's the price you pay, unless you think you can shift it yourself (which you can't).
Similarly, if I cough or sneeze, I will not sound like a Disney Princess. That does not mean anything is wrong. Once again, I am a guy. When I sneeze, I am not going for the "most delicate sneeze" award.
23. Do not suggest to me that I should wear one pair of shoes to work and carry another pair "in my bag". Guys' shoes don't work that way. Once again - not a Disney Princess. I do not own ballet slippers or any pair of shoes that can be rolled up into a 1 inch diameter ball of fluff.
24. Yes, we need that many flashlights. And the Coleman Lantern. Try seeing by the light of your goddamned Yankee Candle if the power goes out.
25. Okay, there are some things I won't compromise on anymore. I'm too old and too depressed. So, that velvet painting of the dogs playing poker? It stays. My Marilyn Monroe posters? They stay. Okay, I'll take down the nude one, but that's as far as I'll go.
26. See above. I'm a guy. The only food I know how to prepare is bacon, beans, and fried potatoes. If you want bacon, beans, and fried potatoes, I will make you some. That's the type of food I like. Do not try to feed me quiche and tell me it's "sausage and egg pie". Do not try and feed me any type of tofu.
27. Occasionally, I will need a beer. If you have a problem with that, there's the door.
28. If you were in the Colonial Space Marines, I will not mind if you have a tatoo commemorating that experience. Otherwise, please do not have a tatoo. Especially a rose or butterfly or Chinese Character or some other such shenanigans. In a similar vein, if you have pierced ears, that's fine. If you have enough piercings that you will give me nightmares that you are secretly a cenobite, then please take the piercings down to the bowling alley where they might be appreciated.
29. Must like Ethan Frome. Must despise Twilight.
On top of that I can Drive, Ride, helm or pilot most vehicles I'd encounter on any reasonable basis, except helicopters. I've been made fun of more than once, because more often than not, the first noise I will be some form of half-mumbled curse, usually a long "fuuuuuuuuuuu-ck" as I stretch.
1) She should be able to swear in a way that would make sailors cringe.
2) She should be able to keep relative pace with me drinking. She's gotta enjoy beer (and believe me, that's harder than it sounds, I've found). Enjoying scotch, absinthe, bitters, or tequila is a must.
3) Have I consumed too much alcohol? Are we in Amsterdam or Valencia and I have partook of some substance that is making me behave in a strange manner? She should optimally be okay coming along for the ride, or taking care of me otherwise (designated drivers are important).
4) I like to travel. Like, "decide to take a roadtrip with 48 hours notice" like to travel. She should be in a similar state.
5) My side of Joe's driving rule: Enjoy fast, dangerous driving. I have more than a few female friends who flip when I get past 80 on an open freeway. If you're my SO, you'll see me do the ton inevitably, so either enjoy it (optimally), or be cool with it. Same goes for drifts, Bootlegger's turns, J-turns, Scandinavian Flicks, etc.
6) My sense of humor ranges from "Regular Show" to "Gallows." So should yours.
7) Don't be a picky eater. Seriously, just don't. If you are, let me try to change that.
Edit: I'm down with tasteful tattoos and slightly more radical piercings and liking Twilight provided that you admit that it is total garbage and very fucked up. Also, I can cook, so whatever. I'll eat just about anything, as I really like eating. However, as a result, I'm on the heavier side of a healthy weight, and yeah, I've got a bit of a gut, so:
8) I'm comfortable with my body, she should be too. Unless I completely let myself go, don't give me shit about my exercise and eating habits. I'm happy where I'm at, and I'll make sure I stay there.
Here's the deal - I know that I'm eventually going to be holding your purse while you look for bras at TJ Maxx, a store that has nothing of interest at all for guys and has not chairs for me to even sit while you spend hours finding the right freaking size since the bra manufacturers can't just simply make bras the right size, and I don't like the perfumey, potpourri smell of TJ Maxx, so do me a favor and lett me drink my smelly beer in my smelly bar while smoking a smelly cigar every once in awhile.
2. Be communicative. I like people who are blunt about their feelings or concerns.
3. Be open-minded about art.
Those are pretty much my criteria.
1) I'm a picky eater. Please don't ask me to try something 20 times while trying to force food in my mouth. My answer is still no. I don't care what it's combined with either.
I don't got much more to add that isn't covered ground.
2) I like cartoons and rather strange music. Please see or raise.
The physical:
1. Shorter then me (I'm 5'8)
2. Thin
3. B cup or smaller
Metaphysical
1. Be a nerd
2. Like Star Wars
3. Like RPGs
4. READS STUFF
5. Everything else I didn't think of.
Also, not limiting myself to one dream lover. :P
32. If you are cold, it would be a good idea to wear some clothes designed for the cold. This means wearing some fucking socks. Don't complain to me that you're cold when you're barefoot or you're wearing those stupid ballet slippers you like to wear. Put one some socks. That "light" cardigan isn't going to cut it because the fabric on that thing is so thin you can see through it. That doesn't provide any warmth.
If you want to be warm, wear cotton, wool, or goretex. Do not spend $350.00 on a coat that is primarily made of artificial fluffy, feathery bits that's thin enough you can stretch it out over a bell-mouth jar and use it as a filter and then complain that you're not warm enough. . . . but hate Gnutella.
Must prefer Ovaltine to Hershey's. In fact, when planning vacation, must rather go to Ovaltine, NJ than Hershey, PA.
Must prefer Hydrox to Oreo.
Must prefer Moxie to Diet Coke. In fact - NO DIET COKE.
You've never saved a video? A .jpg? Never bookmarked or set a site as a "favorite"? These days, to my mind, that counts as a "collection". I no longer have a vast collection of physical repositories of porn either, but that's just because of "ease of use" and "storage" issues, just like I don't have a vast collection of physical albums, eight-tracks, casettes, CDs, Laserdiscs, Videotapes, and/or DVDs any longer.