Since I developed Ulcerative Colitis a year ago, my bathroom habits have changed dramatically. I usually have to go multiple times a day, even on a good day. On a bad day it could be as often as once an hour. As such, I have developed a George Costanza-like database of all of the public restrooms in the areas that I frequent, with one of the most important criteria (besides cleanliness) being the number of stalls available. You can't roll the dice and go into a coffee shop with a single stall when you have mere moments to spare. And you gotta have options in case someone peed all over the seat of one of the toilets, since the act of bending over to clean it off can end in disaster.
Many times I won't go to certain bars or restaurants because their bathroom quality is so poor that I won't risk needing to go while I'm there. This rules out almost all of the bars in the downtown area where I live. I do wonder what I would do if I was on the streets of an unfamiliar major city like New York when my stomach gives that telltale growl that means "Holy shit you better find yourself a toilet RIGHT THE FUCK NOW."
All of that being said, I've seen a lot of public restrooms in my day, and more than anything else, they remind me that human beings are filthy creatures. More than once, I've walked into a stall and asked out loud, "How the fuck did shit get THERE??" I've seen shit smeared under the bottom portion of the bowl, or on the front tips of the crab-pincer style toilet seats. It's like they purposely TRY to piss all over the toilet seats whenever they don't have to worry about cleaning it up. Once I went into a stall after someone finished peeing there, to notice that he made a total mess of the seat. If I didn't have to spend my last remaining seconds cleaning it off before I could sit down, I seriously considered following him out so I could tell his girlfriend how much of a horrible monster he is. I ask you, how would you react if you found out that your significant other habitually made a mess of the seats in public restrooms on purpose?
As a 30 year Crohn's sufferer, the whole thing definitely colors my willingness to travel or even range far from home at all, unless I'm sure I'm feeling very, very well. Disney World was... interesting.
On the "How the fuck did they get shit THERE?" front, my girlfriend Kathy has a tale like that. A few years back she was working for the local community mental health center as a counselor (she has her Master's Degree in counseling and is a licensed clinical professional counselor in the state of IL). She was walking past the public restroom in their building when she was met by a client backing out of the room in disgust. She was informed by said client that someone (but not them) had made a mess of the public restroom. Now, this being an under-funded community mental health center, they didn't have the luxury of having cleaning staff available during the work day. If something was spilled, broken, or needed cleaned immediately, the staff had to do it themselves. Now this part bears a little explanation before I go further in the tale. The building where the counseling center was located had two separate unisex bathrooms. One was for staff only and was little more than a closet with a commode, sink, and mirror in it. The public one, on the other hand, had to be handicap-accessible, and as such was larger and had the stool separated from the sink by a stall with a door. Said stall had the standard handicap hand-grip rails in it and was larger than the typical bathroom stall, for obvious reasons. Kathy stepped into the bathroom to assess the situation and she said the smell was enough to knock a buzzard off a gut-wagon. She said it literally reeked like something had died in there (and she would know that smell, as she grew up on a farm). The first thing she noticed was that the entire floor of the stall was covered in splatters of diarrhea. Not just around the stool - the entire floor. She decided at that point to go back out and put on a pair of plastic gloves, just in case. Her caution was not unrewarded. Upon opening the stall door, she was greeted with what she described as what looked like someone had set off a shit-bomb in the stall. She said that there was diarrhea not only on the floor, but also on all four walls of the stall, well above the level of the seat of the stool. She said that she figured the only way someone could have done what occurred in that stall was to have dropped trou, bent over at the waist, and spun in a circle as their guts proceeded to void themselves all over every surface in range. She immediately went and got Lori (their front office person) to assist her, as well as a case of paper towels, an industrial-strength garbage bag, and a bottle of bleach from the supply cabinet. She said it took them the better part of an hour to clean that mess up.
That's another key to entertaining myself since I'm in public restrooms so often: flushing the toilet or farting loudly whenever someone in the next stall is on the phone, so that the person on the other end is well aware that they are talking to someone who is pooping.
Debate. When you are on the toilet, do you ever use the phone, play a game system, or read? I'm wondering if this is a generation thing, because my dad would proudly read the paper on the toilet.
Debate. When you are on the toilet, do you ever use the phone, play a game system, or read? I'm wondering if this is a generation thing, because my dad would proudly read the paper on the toilet.
I read my Kindle when I'm on the commode. It is very relaxing. I find it weird to use a smartphone/game on it, it puts my brain in a different place and it feels different (i.e. not as comfortable).
I would have quit in a similar situation. Muppet made the right choice.
While in the hiring process for Disneyland, they asked what I'd be willing to do for them. (they took general applications back then. It was janky). I replied I would do anything but clean toilets. Her expression sank and she spent the better part of 10 minutes trying to get me to accept a custodial position
Debate. When you are on the toilet, do you ever use the phone, play a game system, or read? I'm wondering if this is a generation thing, because my dad would proudly read the paper on the toilet.
I usually read a paperback book or read social media or articles on the phone.
Sometimes also listen to the soothing voices of Dave and Joel or Rym and Scott while I play a game.
She said after they got the majority of it wiped up off the floor they broke out the mop & bucket and cleaned it with what amounted to straight bleach. That incident was one of the many nails in the coffin that drove her to quit that job.
Debate. When you are on the toilet, do you ever use the phone, play a game system, or read? I'm wondering if this is a generation thing, because my dad would proudly read the paper on the toilet.
Depends on what I have readily available to me. If I'm running for the bathroom in a "clear the runway, I'm coming in hot" mode, I may only have my phone with me, which means I'll be browsing Reddit or reading something on my Kindle app. If I have time to grab something on the way, I'll bring whatever dead-tree book or magazine I'm reading with me. It still baffles my girlfriend as to how I can spend time reading while on the crapper, to which my reply was "how can you not?" As far as actually using the phone goes, I wouldn't make a call out. As for answering while in the bathroom, it depends on who is calling and where I'm at. If I'm at home and it's my brother calling, I wouldn't think twice about picking up the call. Anyone other than that or anywhere other than that and they're just going to have to wait until I'm done and can call them back.
Debate. When you are on the toilet, do you ever use the phone, play a game system, or read? I'm wondering if this is a generation thing, because my dad would proudly read the paper on the toilet.
I'm almost never on the toilet long enough to do any of those things. I know a lot of people like to spend their time while pooping, but I always want to just get out ASAP.
I get why butt hair is important but man is it a pain in the arse at times.
Flushable moist wipes are your friend in that arena. They're also very useful if you've been wiping yourself to death due to diarrhea or have to do a colonoscopy prep. The latter is an experience I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, unless I wanted them to be in excruciating pain before I killed them.
I get why butt hair is important but man is it a pain in the arse at times.
Flushable moist wipes are your friend in that arena. They're also very useful if you've been wiping yourself to death due to diarrhea or have to do a colonoscopy prep.
We have a septic tank and they hate those things S
We have a septic tank and they hate those things S
Ah, the joys of septic tanks. I definitely do not miss the days of having to make sure I poured Rid-X down the crapper on a semi-regular basis.
Its a trade off for cotsworld homes really, pretty worthwhile I feel but still a pain. Thankfully we have always lived on a hill and never had to deal with them flooding/overflowing which is a blessing.
Its a trade off for cotsworld homes really, pretty worthwhile I feel but still a pain. Thankfully we have always lived on a hill and never had to deal with them flooding/overflowing which is a blessing.
I never had to deal with it overflowing in the yard (thank ghawd), but I did have to deal with it getting backed up into the house once. I've never reached for a phone as fast as I did when I had a bathtub that had sewage backing up into it. Septic tank guy said it was because of the colder winter weather slowing down the bacteria combined with over-use of the system over the Christmas holidays (and that was the last time I ever hosted the family get-togethers at my house.)
Comments
Since I developed Ulcerative Colitis a year ago, my bathroom habits have changed dramatically. I usually have to go multiple times a day, even on a good day. On a bad day it could be as often as once an hour. As such, I have developed a George Costanza-like database of all of the public restrooms in the areas that I frequent, with one of the most important criteria (besides cleanliness) being the number of stalls available. You can't roll the dice and go into a coffee shop with a single stall when you have mere moments to spare. And you gotta have options in case someone peed all over the seat of one of the toilets, since the act of bending over to clean it off can end in disaster.
Many times I won't go to certain bars or restaurants because their bathroom quality is so poor that I won't risk needing to go while I'm there. This rules out almost all of the bars in the downtown area where I live. I do wonder what I would do if I was on the streets of an unfamiliar major city like New York when my stomach gives that telltale growl that means "Holy shit you better find yourself a toilet RIGHT THE FUCK NOW."
All of that being said, I've seen a lot of public restrooms in my day, and more than anything else, they remind me that human beings are filthy creatures. More than once, I've walked into a stall and asked out loud, "How the fuck did shit get THERE??" I've seen shit smeared under the bottom portion of the bowl, or on the front tips of the crab-pincer style toilet seats. It's like they purposely TRY to piss all over the toilet seats whenever they don't have to worry about cleaning it up. Once I went into a stall after someone finished peeing there, to notice that he made a total mess of the seat. If I didn't have to spend my last remaining seconds cleaning it off before I could sit down, I seriously considered following him out so I could tell his girlfriend how much of a horrible monster he is. I ask you, how would you react if you found out that your significant other habitually made a mess of the seats in public restrooms on purpose?
Now this part bears a little explanation before I go further in the tale. The building where the counseling center was located had two separate unisex bathrooms. One was for staff only and was little more than a closet with a commode, sink, and mirror in it. The public one, on the other hand, had to be handicap-accessible, and as such was larger and had the stool separated from the sink by a stall with a door. Said stall had the standard handicap hand-grip rails in it and was larger than the typical bathroom stall, for obvious reasons.
Kathy stepped into the bathroom to assess the situation and she said the smell was enough to knock a buzzard off a gut-wagon. She said it literally reeked like something had died in there (and she would know that smell, as she grew up on a farm). The first thing she noticed was that the entire floor of the stall was covered in splatters of diarrhea. Not just around the stool - the entire floor. She decided at that point to go back out and put on a pair of plastic gloves, just in case. Her caution was not unrewarded. Upon opening the stall door, she was greeted with what she described as what looked like someone had set off a shit-bomb in the stall. She said that there was diarrhea not only on the floor, but also on all four walls of the stall, well above the level of the seat of the stool. She said that she figured the only way someone could have done what occurred in that stall was to have dropped trou, bent over at the waist, and spun in a circle as their guts proceeded to void themselves all over every surface in range.
She immediately went and got Lori (their front office person) to assist her, as well as a case of paper towels, an industrial-strength garbage bag, and a bottle of bleach from the supply cabinet. She said it took them the better part of an hour to clean that mess up.
Sometimes also listen to the soothing voices of Dave and Joel or Rym and Scott while I play a game.
As far as actually using the phone goes, I wouldn't make a call out. As for answering while in the bathroom, it depends on who is calling and where I'm at. If I'm at home and it's my brother calling, I wouldn't think twice about picking up the call. Anyone other than that or anywhere other than that and they're just going to have to wait until I'm done and can call them back.
On the contrary, I think they actually resonate and amplify them.
I may have shared this before, can't remember.
But it's relevant again today.