The fact that I worry about how I look is a huge obstacle which prevents me from starting a relationship. That's most likely due to my dad ingraining into my head the idea that it's bad if I act unusual. I keep telling him that I don't care how I look, but he just resists and stands firmly and stubbornly still on telling me this.
Well obviously you are lying to him and yourself. You might say you don't care how you look, but you do care. You have two options.
You can go the route of many people and improve the way you look. Buy clothes, spend lots of time with your hair, etc. That way, even though you care how you look, you will believe that you look great, and will not worry.
If you are nervous that a girl won't like some of your habits, or won't like you because you dress a certain way, etc. Then why the hell would you want a relationship with that person? I mean, if she/he turns you down, do you really loose something? If you don't ask, you won't get, and if they turned you down, then its the same.
The other thing, I think you are confusing asking a girl out, to establishing a relationship, two really different things, and probably if you stop acting like they are both the same, then you'd realize that it's not that hard.
The other thing, people, please, if you like that preppy super fit, gorgeous girl (probably like all the males in the room), stop kidding yourselves, don't confuse lust with a relationship, listen to her, think of what she likes, if you are honest enough with yourself, you can probably figure out if you have grounds to try or not. I'm not saying that all gorgeous, preppy, fit girls are complete airheads and superfluous, but most of them are.
"Hotness" only gets girls to briefly notice you before you open your mouth. "Smartness" is what keeps the cool ones around.
Basically, exposure therapy is the way to go. Talk to lots girls like they are normal people. I know it's scary...I'm a shy person who has trouble talking to people I admire. However, I find that if I just go for it, and talk to them, I have more fun. You sound like you have low self esteem, and you are probably your own worst critic. People probably think you are cooler than you feel. In high school I thought everybody thought I was weird and uncool, but whenever I meet an old classmate they say all these nice things.
The other option is to stop caring.
But then you become a smelly fanboy. Good grooming and hygiene makes me feel good and makes me confident. However, don't feel forced dress in a way you don't like.
Girls aren't mysterious, magical beings who smite those that displease them.
That just shows how little you know.
Have you ever gone to an anime convention, becuase they sure think they are. "Stop saying that or I'll kill you." Kill me?! Jesus girl I was just saying I don't think that Card Captor Sakura was the best anime ever, and you want to kill me!
I'm not saying that all gorgeous, preppy, fit girls are complete airheads and superfluous, but most of them are.
In high school I was fairly cute, dressed preppy, and played a ton of sports, but I totally hung out with the nerds. Okay, it's not like I was some blonde model, but I was pretty good. Total geek, though.
But then you become a smelly fanboy. Good grooming and hygiene makes me feel good and makes me confident. However, don't feel forced dress in a way you don't like.
There's a difference between someone who doesn't bathe, and someone who doesn't care what logo is on their pants.
I don't drink, and I have no problem. The key is to not care what other people think. Let's say you are a wallflower, and you decide to go out and dance without being intoxicated. What's the worst that can happen? Someone says "Hey look, the wallflower is dancing!" You can either just ignore them, and do your thing, or you can make a witty comeback. As long as you don't do something really stupid and conspicuous, you're all good.
The key is that you have to do everything with confidence. Even if you try to pretend to be confident, it won't work unless you are confident. Nervousness and shyness are self-fulfilling prophecies. You're nervous because your worried that you will look like a doofus. You will only look like a doofus because you are nervous.
Scott, have you ever been a wallflower? What you just described is exactly what makes wallflowers wallflowers. A "Hey look, the wallflower is dancing!" comment is exactly the kind of comment that a wallflower does not wish to get, mostly because such a comment is also said in a painfully obvious, and possibly accompanied by laughter, mocking way. Yes, you, you Scott, can very easily say: "Just get over it!" It is however a very hard task for the wallflower in question to do.
Scott, have you ever been a wallflower? What you just described is exactly what makes wallflowers wallflowers. A "Hey look, the wallflower is dancing!" comment is exactly the kind of comment that a wallflower does not wish to get, mostly because such a comment is also said in a painfully obvious, and possibly accompanied by laughter, mocking way. Yes, you, you Scott, can very easily say: "Just get over it!" It is however a very hard task for the wallflower in question to do.
Scott, have you ever been a wallflower? What you just described is exactly what makes wallflowers wallflowers. A "Hey look, the wallflower is dancing!" comment is exactly the kind of comment that a wallflower does not wish to get, mostly because such a comment is also said in a painfully obvious, and possibly accompanied by laughter, mocking way. Yes, you, you Scott, can very easily say: "Just get over it!" It is however a very hard task for the wallflower in question to do.
Nobody said it would be easy.
That’s why you gotta start small. Talk to a random stranger… talk to a random stranger who is cute and a girl… talk to a girl you think is cute and you know… talk to the girl you like… ask out the girl who you like… grow and learn from what happened… rinse & repeat.
I'm not saying that all gorgeous, preppy, fit girls are complete airheads and superfluous, but most of them are.
In high school I was fairly cute, dressed preppy, and played a ton of sports, but I totally hung out with the nerds. Okay, it's not like I was some blonde model, but I was pretty good. Total geek, though.
Hence the "most", being that this is a geek forum, the exceptions to that are probably members as opposed to the more usual counterparts.
Grow a pair. That's the best advice you're going to get, because nothing else matters if you don't have the testicular fortitude (god, I love that phrase) to actually go through with it. Catch her alone and just ask her. Don't think about it too much, or at all, and force yourself to do it. Speak up, smile, and get it over with. Think of it like a shot: painful at first, but with potentially life-saving results, or that one ultra-scary amusement park ride. In any case, the potential benefits outweigh the potential drawbacks (of rejection), so you are obligated by the principles of utilitarianism to ask her out.
To directly answer Skyshiro's question, ask her out the same way you would ask one of your friends to hang out. "Hey, you wanna go to the x concert this weekend?" works the same in either situation.
Push yourself out of your comfort zone. This applies to everything in life. If you get all worked up trying to talk to girls, odds are you also get all worked up trying to do other things outside of your comfort zone. Start small and try dancing, singing, playing DDR in public, etc. Once these things stop causing your heart to skip beats, other things will follow. You don't have to be comfortable talking to a complete stranger; you just need to be functional. Once you cross one boundary of your comfort zone, you'll also learn how to cross the other ones more easily in the process.
Yeah, seriously. I used to be a TOTAL wall flower. You just gotta get over it. Go join Toastmasters or something. Most of the time, if you're under 18, they'll be totally cool and let you attend the meetings.
Don't ask a girl out, take a club and knock her out and drag her to your cave.....
Oh wait,
LOL, but seriously I'm not that social, I'm the smart kid at my school, I do talk to a lot of girls. Lots of you just said to ask someone out like you'd ask a friend out but... I'm the only guy at my school who wants to talk about something BESIDES boobs and girls, that what all the guys at my school pretty much talk about. I like talking about books, philosophy (half the people at the school don't even know what that is) and stuff like that. I like deep conversations and I think because of that I don't have many friends, so I guess I'm a wallflower, but I just don't know what to do...
Don't ask a girl out, take a club and knock her out and drag her to your cave.....
Oh wait,
LOL, but seriously I'm not that social, I'm the smart kid at my school, I do talk to a lot of girls. Lots of you just said to ask someone out like you'd ask a friend out but... I'm the only guy at my school who wants to talk about something BESIDES boobs and girls, that what all the guys at my school pretty much talk about. I like talking about books, philosophy (half the people at the school don't even know what that is) and stuff like that. I like deep conversations and I think because of that I don't have many friends, so I guess I'm a wallflower, but I just don't know what to do...
I guarantee that there's at least one or two people interested in books and philosophy in your school. Plus, with the world population, for each of them there's a 51% chance of being female. I'd say the odds are in your favor, buddy.
Don't forget about the closet geeks. Many people are closet geeks!
GAAH! I hate closet geeks! If you're geeky BE geeky! Let other geeks know that your geeky to! Everyone at my school knows I'm geeky and I'm sure some people are closet geeksl, and don't wanna tell people they're geeks, because people won't be their friends!!! I really hate my hollister/abercrombie high school...
From what I learned at a recent dance, listening to a lot of house music and knowing a basic breakdown movement will get you a LOT of attention from girls you never thought would look at you (Thank you, Justice and Daft Punk). It's super-easy to dance to.
Also, let your freak flag fly. If you have to hide your geekeries to satisfy a woman, she's not worth it.
Otherwise, just say hi. Make conversation about anything: books, music, news...and then slide in an invitation to somewhere with a smile.
In one of my classes, I started talking to this guy. He was nice, but I didn't want to date him. BUT, I am nice... too nice. I gave him my email and he sent me a message stating, "I am a huge star wars geek... blah blah... I think you are really cool... blah blah... you have really nice hair... that I want to run my fingers through." DO NOT DO THIS!
I would say go for the Yaoi chick, think of the werid shit she might be into, she'll get you experienced enough to go after the cool chick when you've bored her (or wouldn't go along with her Yaoi Plans)... Level up a bit :-p
In the end you only regret the ones you never asked. If they fail on you there is always college and then after that the rest of your life. Remember in the US their are tons more women then men, you'll find what you want. If one turns you down another will accept. Just get out there.
In one of my classes, I started talking to this guy. He was nice, but I didn't want to date him. BUT, I am nice... too nice. I gave him my email and he sent me a message stating, "I am a huge star wars geek... blah blah... I think you are really cool... blah blah... you have really nice hair... that I want to run my fingers through." DO NOT DO THIS!
This falls somewhere between gross and just plain sad.
I would say go for the Yaoi chick, think of the werid shit she might be into, she'll get you experienced enough to go after the cool chick when you've bored her (or wouldn't go along with her Yaoi Plans)... Level up a bit :-p
In the end you only regret the ones you never asked. If they fail on you there is always college and then after that the rest of your life. Remember in the US their are tons more women then men, you'll find what you want. If one turns you down another will accept. Just get out there.
My previous GF was a yaoi chick, and man it was totally awesome! But she wasn't like yaoi is god type of yaoi fangirl like the one at my school.
...I only have a problem of going up to girl and asking them out. But it is very easy for me to talk to anyone else... I just don't think I can risk a relationship...
Try not to over think things. Stay in the moment. You can't be worried about her dumping you in 3 months if you haven't even had your first date. If it's too much to ask her out directly, you can ask her to do something you both enjoy or to go with you some place to hang out. It can be date like but not a full on dinner and a movie and make out point date. "Hey I am going hiking this weekend, are you free??" "They go the latest issues of BLANK is in at Borders, want to come with me to pick it up? I'll let you read it while I drive back." Go apple picking with some friends, get some coffee and desert, study groups, club meetings,, etc
By not attempting the relationship you have already failed at the relationship. Get some confidence. Talk to the girl.
Comments
You can go the route of many people and improve the way you look. Buy clothes, spend lots of time with your hair, etc. That way, even though you care how you look, you will believe that you look great, and will not worry.
The other option is to stop caring.
The other thing, I think you are confusing asking a girl out, to establishing a relationship, two really different things, and probably if you stop acting like they are both the same, then you'd realize that it's not that hard.
The other thing, people, please, if you like that preppy super fit, gorgeous girl (probably like all the males in the room), stop kidding yourselves, don't confuse lust with a relationship, listen to her, think of what she likes, if you are honest enough with yourself, you can probably figure out if you have grounds to try or not. I'm not saying that all gorgeous, preppy, fit girls are complete airheads and superfluous, but most of them are.
Basically, exposure therapy is the way to go. Talk to lots girls like they are normal people. I know it's scary...I'm a shy person who has trouble talking to people I admire. However, I find that if I just go for it, and talk to them, I have more fun. You sound like you have low self esteem, and you are probably your own worst critic. People probably think you are cooler than you feel. In high school I thought everybody thought I was weird and uncool, but whenever I meet an old classmate they say all these nice things. But then you become a smelly fanboy. Good grooming and hygiene makes me feel good and makes me confident. However, don't feel forced dress in a way you don't like.
Oh wait,
Also, let your freak flag fly. If you have to hide your geekeries to satisfy a woman, she's not worth it.
Otherwise, just say hi. Make conversation about anything: books, music, news...and then slide in an invitation to somewhere with a smile.
In the end you only regret the ones you never asked. If they fail on you there is always college and then after that the rest of your life. Remember in the US their are tons more women then men, you'll find what you want. If one turns you down another will accept. Just get out there.
By not attempting the relationship you have already failed at the relationship. Get some confidence. Talk to the girl.