I applied for an internship in the art department at my mom's work this summer and I didn't get the job. They wanted a graphic designer, not an illustrator.
My internet has been performing like ass all freaking day. Yeah yeah, first world problem, boo hoo, but it's still damn annoying. I expect some minimum quality for things I'm paying for. Modem speeds do not meet that minimum.
I am beyond embarrassed. It's been a very long time since I've been as socially uncomfortable as I have been the past two nights. UGH.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't just say that and not explain.
I know, I know. I just didn't want to sit down and try to write the whole thing out until I had some food and a shower and was feeling a little better.
Long story short, most of the people I'm good friends with are not at all music people, and there are only so many times I can drag them to shows. So over the past few months I've ended up meeting a whole bunch of new people who are into the same music as me, and I've been hanging out with them at shows.
So, last night and tonight were some of the first shows I've been to in about a month. I'd been really looking forward to them both, but of the two other people I "knew" who were going, one has a history of being flaky and wandering off while the other I'd only met once but had talked to a lot on AIM. No problem, I thought, I'll just end up meeting new people through them and it'll be fine. Besides, deciding not to go just because there's a chance I'll have to stand alone seems silly.
What ended up happening last night was worse than standing alone. It started out fine enough, learned some new names, made a few jokes, but I steadily felt repelled out somehow. What ended up happening was me hovering on the outside of a circle of people, with little to no access to the conversation. Occasionally, my flaky acquaintance would spin around to chat with me, or the girl I had only met once would complain about how I was standing off to the side "looking sad", but that was about all I got. I kept thinking about just walking away to see if I could find anyone else I recognized, but it wasn't too big of a place and I didn't see anybody while scanning the room. I ended up just sticking it out there, but no one seemed interested in bringing me into the conversation.
Afterward, I tried not to worry about it. I knew I'd be put in a similar situation the next night, but with one key difference: One other person I knew was coming, someone I knew a lot better, and we were going to carpool there. So, today happened and everything was going totally fine until we meet up with the rest of the group after the show, in which case it immediately turned into an almost exact repeat of last night.
The thing about it is, I really can't decide what to attribute it to. Is it my fault for not being assertive, or is it theirs for not acknowledging me? I can't but help think that it's a bit of both. I'm fairly sure that no one was trying to drop any hints on me because, even just hours later, I'm receiving messages from them on Facebook. On the one hand, I'm frustrated with the whole thing and I want to just completely ignore it, but on the other hand I'd rather put it totally out into the open and talk about what happened. These people really aren't quite "friend" status yet, and I'm completely divided on whether I want to just drop them completely or continue hanging out with them. They've all been really cool outside of the past two days so it seems like there should be some "benefit of the doubt" stuff from me going on here. Besides, I managed to act the most awkward I have since it seems like middle school, for reasons I can't even figure out.
I'm just really confused at the moment, and it doesn't help that I'm so tired. I'm positive that tomorrow everything will seem better.
@Sail -- Ouch. I feel for you, man. Not that this is the same with you, but I used to be intensely shy, so I've spent a lot of time just standing around places, being uncomfortable and not talking to anyone. I haven't had to make a new group of friends in a long time, but I know it's tough.
I really can't decide what to attribute it to. Is it my fault for not being assertive, or is it theirs for not acknowledging me?
Any stable existing circle will by default not acknowledge or actively engage someone outside of the circle (independent of what any individuals within the circle may expressly desire). They were probably just engaged with one another. Circles by nature will close ranks before anyone who isn't fully engaged. All you can do is observe, and then engage in a manner consistent with the group's standard level and means of interaction. For some groups, a great deal of observation and semi-engagement is required before full engagement is possible. This is fairly textbook (I studied group theory at RIT).
If this fails repeatedly, it usually means simply that your engagement is disruptive to the existing communication structure, as opposed to complimentary. Thus, back to the observation stage.
@Sail - Yeah, those are always the worst. That happened to me countless times during college, even when I was around a lot of people I knew fairly well. It even happens now, usually when I go to see some of my friends play in their band. I know all of them pretty well, but virtually none of their friends who tend to show up, so I will often just hover on the outside of the circle.
Rym is right when it comes to getting involved. You might think it's somewhat discourteous for them to ignore your presence, but you have to remember that they have no obligation to talk to you. Basically, you're going to have to be more assertive if you want to be included more. I know how hard it is to do that, I always feel like I'm butting in, or that they won't care about what I have to say, but that never actually happens. Those people who you want to be friends with want to make friends just as much as you do. But as the old adage goes, there's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.
One of the problems might have been that you only had one group to talk to. I often will detach from one group for a while and stand by myself to recuperate a bit (I'm not super big on parties.) before wandering around looking for people to talk to.
I'd like to try running an introvert's party, where instead of everyone standing around chatting and drinking, the room is laid out with things to do in groups, so that people can interact as little or as much as they want.
Rym's post actually makes me feel a lot better, despite the kind of cold, analytical approach he took. It makes me feel more like what I went through was more of a necessary step in the ladder than a dead end. I just need to get used to the dynamics of the group and find my place in the functioning of it. It just confused me so much that I could know them on an individual level but not be able to relate to them on a group level.
The other side of the coin is that maybe there's a good reason why the people I'm closest to are not into a lot of what I'm most into. A functional group can not be based around solely common interest. More essential is compatible personality and values. So, while I can relate to these people one-on-one, it may just end up being that there is no place for me in the larger group setting.
I got Left4Dead 2 a few weeks ago for £20, the day before my replacement hard drive got here, which died in two hours, and now I'm finally getting a proper replacement and L4D2 is £15 on Steam.
Yeah, I hated it when Australia outlawed Public photography without the consent of the property owner and the crown, and every person whose face can be seen clearly in the photo. And by Australia, I mean England.
This has been a fail for a week now, but I have a bitch of a canker sore in the back of my mouth.
I freaking hate when I get these, they freaking make you feel like you have a sore throat and it hurts like crazy to eat (and depending where it is talk). Take Lysine as a preventative measure...
More essential is compatible personality and values. So, while I can relate to these people one-on-one, it may just end up being that there is no place for me in the larger group setting.
I'm finding this in an improv group I'm active in. I'm thinking I might have to leave because I can't feel the group dynamic, despite really liking a few of the people I work with.
Count that as my fail: I might have to leave one of the best teams I've ever seen, let alone been a part of, simply because I can't relate to the other members. Sigh.
Dear Borders, You fail me so hard. What has this world come to when a my local Borders does not stock important books like Don Juan and Trout Fishing in America and instead stocks thousands of crappy young adult novels? This is obviously some oversight on the part of your buyers. Please remedy this problem. Also, add books by Alexander Pope and William Blake. Love, progSHELL
I went to Borders today and decided I'd only be buying paperbacks and magazines there anymore. Anything that is more than $15 or is a Penguin or American edition can be gotten far cheaper on Amazon with minimal inconvenience.
despite the kind of cold, analytical approach he took.
With all things, and in all endeavors, there is a shortest path.
So, while I can relate to these people one-on-one, it may just end up being that there is no place for me in the larger group setting.
Group dynamics in general are very different from one-on-one. You may not realize it, but smaller groups cause more homogeneous behavior due to social mimicry. Individuals subconsciously (or consciously, in the case of extremely charismatic/manipulative people) mirror the body language and speech patterns of those with whom they engage. With larger groups, it's a complex dynamic, and the "ghost" mirror (an amalgamation of the varying strengths of the personalities involved) sort of exists in the middle, beyond and apart from any individual.
Some people have difficulty synthesizing the numerous inputs and constructing the internal "model" of the ghost; they thus have difficulty mimicking the ghost initially. Or, they are able to do so, but it is extremely tiring. These same people will easily interact one-on-one, because there is only one "ghost" model to construct, and it coincides entirely with one person.
Your brain makes internal models of the outside world, of other people, of basically everything. You make decisions not so much based on your sensory input, but based on these models. This allows for some interesting shenanigans. For example, if you foster a particular model in other people, you can then break from that model later to startling effect (or mask off-model actions from notice entirely). One of the biggest keys to charisma is to not only see how other people are reacting to you (forming accurate models of them), but to see how other people see you. Don't look at your models of other people: look at the models of you that are in everyone else's heads. Imagine the various yous everyone else is constructing.
So, to get better at this sort of thing, observe the group analytically. Try counting, for example, the number of declarative statements versus questions that each person makes. Consciously construct your model based on observation, especially if it doesn't come naturally. Consider how they appear to view you, and attempt to be objective. Watch who is mimicking whom in larger groups to sort out the true power structure. Count how often any given person attempts to change the subject versus how often they succeed in re-steering the entire group. Make a game of it.
For some people (so-called extroverts), this is all natural. For others, it isn't. Consider it a skill/talent, just like anything else. If playing the trumpet doesn't come naturally, practice will fill the gap. If you study group dynamics enough, it will start to come naturally. Even moreso, it could put you at an advantage in the end over those with natural talent: talent only takes you so far, and it often leaves serious gaps in knowledge.
Comments
Long story short, most of the people I'm good friends with are not at all music people, and there are only so many times I can drag them to shows. So over the past few months I've ended up meeting a whole bunch of new people who are into the same music as me, and I've been hanging out with them at shows.
So, last night and tonight were some of the first shows I've been to in about a month. I'd been really looking forward to them both, but of the two other people I "knew" who were going, one has a history of being flaky and wandering off while the other I'd only met once but had talked to a lot on AIM. No problem, I thought, I'll just end up meeting new people through them and it'll be fine. Besides, deciding not to go just because there's a chance I'll have to stand alone seems silly.
What ended up happening last night was worse than standing alone. It started out fine enough, learned some new names, made a few jokes, but I steadily felt repelled out somehow. What ended up happening was me hovering on the outside of a circle of people, with little to no access to the conversation. Occasionally, my flaky acquaintance would spin around to chat with me, or the girl I had only met once would complain about how I was standing off to the side "looking sad", but that was about all I got. I kept thinking about just walking away to see if I could find anyone else I recognized, but it wasn't too big of a place and I didn't see anybody while scanning the room. I ended up just sticking it out there, but no one seemed interested in bringing me into the conversation.
Afterward, I tried not to worry about it. I knew I'd be put in a similar situation the next night, but with one key difference: One other person I knew was coming, someone I knew a lot better, and we were going to carpool there. So, today happened and everything was going totally fine until we meet up with the rest of the group after the show, in which case it immediately turned into an almost exact repeat of last night.
The thing about it is, I really can't decide what to attribute it to. Is it my fault for not being assertive, or is it theirs for not acknowledging me? I can't but help think that it's a bit of both. I'm fairly sure that no one was trying to drop any hints on me because, even just hours later, I'm receiving messages from them on Facebook. On the one hand, I'm frustrated with the whole thing and I want to just completely ignore it, but on the other hand I'd rather put it totally out into the open and talk about what happened. These people really aren't quite "friend" status yet, and I'm completely divided on whether I want to just drop them completely or continue hanging out with them. They've all been really cool outside of the past two days so it seems like there should be some "benefit of the doubt" stuff from me going on here. Besides, I managed to act the most awkward I have since it seems like middle school, for reasons I can't even figure out.
I'm just really confused at the moment, and it doesn't help that I'm so tired. I'm positive that tomorrow everything will seem better.
If this fails repeatedly, it usually means simply that your engagement is disruptive to the existing communication structure, as opposed to complimentary. Thus, back to the observation stage.
Rym is right when it comes to getting involved. You might think it's somewhat discourteous for them to ignore your presence, but you have to remember that they have no obligation to talk to you. Basically, you're going to have to be more assertive if you want to be included more. I know how hard it is to do that, I always feel like I'm butting in, or that they won't care about what I have to say, but that never actually happens. Those people who you want to be friends with want to make friends just as much as you do. But as the old adage goes, there's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.
I'd like to try running an introvert's party, where instead of everyone standing around chatting and drinking, the room is laid out with things to do in groups, so that people can interact as little or as much as they want.
The other side of the coin is that maybe there's a good reason why the people I'm closest to are not into a lot of what I'm most into. A functional group can not be based around solely common interest. More essential is compatible personality and values. So, while I can relate to these people one-on-one, it may just end up being that there is no place for me in the larger group setting.
You win some, you lose some.
Count that as my fail: I might have to leave one of the best teams I've ever seen, let alone been a part of, simply because I can't relate to the other members. Sigh.
You fail me so hard. What has this world come to when a my local Borders does not stock important books like Don Juan and Trout Fishing in America and instead stocks thousands of crappy young adult novels? This is obviously some oversight on the part of your buyers. Please remedy this problem. Also, add books by Alexander Pope and William Blake.
Love, progSHELL
Some people have difficulty synthesizing the numerous inputs and constructing the internal "model" of the ghost; they thus have difficulty mimicking the ghost initially. Or, they are able to do so, but it is extremely tiring. These same people will easily interact one-on-one, because there is only one "ghost" model to construct, and it coincides entirely with one person.
Your brain makes internal models of the outside world, of other people, of basically everything. You make decisions not so much based on your sensory input, but based on these models. This allows for some interesting shenanigans. For example, if you foster a particular model in other people, you can then break from that model later to startling effect (or mask off-model actions from notice entirely). One of the biggest keys to charisma is to not only see how other people are reacting to you (forming accurate models of them), but to see how other people see you. Don't look at your models of other people: look at the models of you that are in everyone else's heads. Imagine the various yous everyone else is constructing.
So, to get better at this sort of thing, observe the group analytically. Try counting, for example, the number of declarative statements versus questions that each person makes. Consciously construct your model based on observation, especially if it doesn't come naturally. Consider how they appear to view you, and attempt to be objective. Watch who is mimicking whom in larger groups to sort out the true power structure. Count how often any given person attempts to change the subject versus how often they succeed in re-steering the entire group. Make a game of it.
For some people (so-called extroverts), this is all natural. For others, it isn't. Consider it a skill/talent, just like anything else. If playing the trumpet doesn't come naturally, practice will fill the gap. If you study group dynamics enough, it will start to come naturally. Even moreso, it could put you at an advantage in the end over those with natural talent: talent only takes you so far, and it often leaves serious gaps in knowledge.