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To Speak Up or Not?
I was just wondering what everyone might think of a situation I find myself in a little too often.
Several times, when Natalie and I go out, we hold hands. We're engaged, so we like to do that. However, with the both of us being girls, we are expectedly prone to asinine reactions every now and then. I don't mind stares, and no one has ever really passed a "your faggy souls will rot in hell" comment to us before. Those I would even find funny. What we get the most of are random men/boys on the street hitting on us. “How ‘bout I get between y’all and hold both y’all hands?” is the general gist. I can’t find these funny. I am utterly appalled and disgusted not only by the blatant sexual harassment and absence of all common courtesy, but by the fact that they really think so highly of themselves or so little of the substantiality of our relationship that they believe they are going to “convert” the both of us and we’ll come giggling over and each link onto a hairy arm.
My default response to this is just to ignore them. I tell myself that to a guy hitting on a girl, the worst thing a girl can do to his ego is act like she doesn’t even notice him. But sometimes I’m just dying to say something. Yesterday an older man shouted out asking if we were mother and daughter (which is inflammatory enough), and then immediately asked if we were lovers and if he could join in. Natalie called back, “Are you always drunk in the daytime?” His response was, “Aaaanytime.” I really had to fight an urge to just walk over to him and tell him off. I wanted to demand that he speak to my fiancée with the same respect due to any lady. Ideally, I’d have loved to punch him. If one of us were a guy, he wouldn’t have dared open his mouth for fear of being punched. It is downright infuriating to be treated with such abysmal disrespect based primarily on the assumption that neither one of us would be able to beat him up.
I’m still of the opinion that the best thing to do is be dignified and ignore them. I’m also aware that this is just something that comes along with publicly acknowledging a same-sex relationship. That doesn’t make it any less irritating. What would you do, if you were in that situation? Is it ever the better thing to do to just tell off a jackass like that?
(Sorry for the ramble. :P)
Several times, when Natalie and I go out, we hold hands. We're engaged, so we like to do that. However, with the both of us being girls, we are expectedly prone to asinine reactions every now and then. I don't mind stares, and no one has ever really passed a "your faggy souls will rot in hell" comment to us before. Those I would even find funny. What we get the most of are random men/boys on the street hitting on us. “How ‘bout I get between y’all and hold both y’all hands?” is the general gist. I can’t find these funny. I am utterly appalled and disgusted not only by the blatant sexual harassment and absence of all common courtesy, but by the fact that they really think so highly of themselves or so little of the substantiality of our relationship that they believe they are going to “convert” the both of us and we’ll come giggling over and each link onto a hairy arm.
My default response to this is just to ignore them. I tell myself that to a guy hitting on a girl, the worst thing a girl can do to his ego is act like she doesn’t even notice him. But sometimes I’m just dying to say something. Yesterday an older man shouted out asking if we were mother and daughter (which is inflammatory enough), and then immediately asked if we were lovers and if he could join in. Natalie called back, “Are you always drunk in the daytime?” His response was, “Aaaanytime.” I really had to fight an urge to just walk over to him and tell him off. I wanted to demand that he speak to my fiancée with the same respect due to any lady. Ideally, I’d have loved to punch him. If one of us were a guy, he wouldn’t have dared open his mouth for fear of being punched. It is downright infuriating to be treated with such abysmal disrespect based primarily on the assumption that neither one of us would be able to beat him up.
I’m still of the opinion that the best thing to do is be dignified and ignore them. I’m also aware that this is just something that comes along with publicly acknowledging a same-sex relationship. That doesn’t make it any less irritating. What would you do, if you were in that situation? Is it ever the better thing to do to just tell off a jackass like that?
(Sorry for the ramble. :P)
Comments
You only have two options. One is to ignore completely. It's a safe and easy option.
The other option is a witty retort, yet one that they can comprehend. This is difficult because if the delivery is off in any way, it won't work. You have to have perfect timing, perfect tone of voice, etc.
For example you could reply to this:
“How ‘bout I get between y’all and hold both y’all hands?”
with this
"Maybe after y'all get y'alls head out from between y'alls ass cheeks."
I suggest you practice by playing highly competitive video games and working on trash talk.
This way you can be critical but stay silent.
Also make up some other cards saying "Thank you for the offer of lesbian conversion. We'd like to decline, but if you are interested in this area of study, I have some gay friends who are looking to convert some straight men."
PS. If you ever do want to try a threesome, my email address is luke@juggler.net. I'm currently single.
Also, seriously, since you're going to be dealing with this sort of thing for a long time (I'd say the rest of your life, but I'm cautiously optimistic that this sort of behavior will become very socially unacceptable within the next few decades), you might want to consider undertaking some serious martial arts training. Not a 2-day "women's self-defense" course -- something like judo, which really does allow a woman to beat up most men. That's something I'd recommend for all women, but especially women in your situation.
Yes, the overt comments are horrid and disrespectful. But I don't think they are intended to delegitimize your relationship. More than likely, the idea of "conversion" never crossed the ape-man's mind; he is wired to believe that the only thing better than one woman in bed is two women in bed. He has this nebulous idea that even though he has only one cock, he can somehow have intercourse with the two of you at the same time. He believes the second woman will do *things* to add to the experience.
I really don't think his comments have anything to do with gay/lesbian issues. They have everything to do with propping up his low self-esteem through a self-delusional assertion that he can have two of something.
So, go ahead and tell off the guys who think they can get in on that. You can at least have the satisfaction of bruising somebody's ego a bit. If they persist, though, you need to ignore them and walk away. The more irrational assholes also need to be ignored, because trying to get any satisfaction out of telling them off will only make you more aggravated. If you have an audience, you can Buzz Aldrin them and probably publicly humiliate them, but if there's no audience, I suggest ignoring them.
Yes, it's hard, but it's the only way to really manage it. Beating your head against a brick wall only exacerbates things.
If it gets too stressful, I highly recommend drinking gin and listening to very angry metal. It's how I get through the day.
@Pete: One of the reasons I do want to take self-defense lessons is in case a Buzz Aldrining becomes inevitable. But I guess a verbal Buzz Aldrining plus a walk-away-and-ignore could be a nice balance in the right situation. Thanks.
Y'know, you could always travel around with a good gay male friend and have him counter-harass the jackasses. I'm sure nothing will make an insecure jackass run away faster than a gay guy saying something like, "Oh, don't worry; I can change your mind."
Basically, I don't think that I would ever think of beginning a confrontation unless I was in a large and substantial crowd. Preferably close to a public building to retreat into in a worst-case scenario.
You could try explaining to people who hit on you how offensive they are and hurt you feel. That depends on the person though.
I would say that the line between flirting and sexual harrassment should be independent of the sexuality and relationship status of the person being spoken to. My advice is not to treat this kind of sexual harassment any differently from any other kind of sexual harassment.
sexualharassment in general.While I think it's a good cause, I really don't want you to come to harm.
@Omnutia: While I appreciate your concern, I'm not afraid of the internets; and everyone that I am close to already knows and accepts who I am and whom I am with.
Of course, he might get upset and start to follow you. If you talked to him and told him that you would use the photo on a blog geared to make fun of people like him, it would further anger him. So, it might be a little dangerous.
Still, I think it's a great idea. It would probably be very much like spraying him with mace or pepper spray in that he would be totally stunned. Just be prepared to run.
Kung Fu would be so awesome. I always have fantasies about punching jerky people like that, but in real life I would only whip out the skills if I was actually in danger. Martial arts also helps get out anger and stress.
It is so stupid. We were talking about this before, and I just can't comprehend what makes some dudes do this. Ick.