Boring Girlfriends and Wives. Why?

gomidog

So I was at this professional Christmas party for some tech guys, right? They were all allowed to invite their significant others. I met everyone and had fun, but I noticed something: The S.O.'s (all women) hardly participated in the conversation. In fact, there was only one woman at my table who was starting cool conversations, and she was a smart professor. While the guys talked about all sorts of interesting stuff, ranging from videogames to travel, scuba diving to Zombies, the ladies mostly kept quiet and when they did speak up they talked amongst themselves about girly stuff like their weddings. Not only that, it seemed like the ones who were engaged were super excited about it, but (maybe I was just projecting) I felt I sensed a certain reticence among the guys in regards to matrimony. The girls were all bored and complain-y when they talked tech.

Now, I am not an IT professional or a CS major, and I often do not understand the particulars of my friends conversations about tech, but I go along with it. Why do guys often end up with girls who care nothing for their hobbies (like gaming) and don't even try to understand? People can be into different things, and have different hobbies, but there was just a huge male/female divide here! It was like they were on two different planets! If a guy talked only about weddings and his guy pals, I would get so bored of him so fast.

Why do geek guys want to date normal girls? Is it fun? Do any of you have this problem with your S.O. not being down with your geekery?

TheWhaleShark

Why do geek guys want to date normal girls? Is it fun? Do any of you have this problem with your S.O. not being down with your geekery?

Well, you don't necessarily need to share common activities in order to be compatible. Sure, it helps, but it's not needed by any means. In fact, I find it more interesting to date someone with interests that differ from my own (to an extent, at least), because that gives you an opportunity to explore someone else, to explore yourself, and to help each other grow as people. It can be tons of fun to find new things and try different stuff, and those relationships are most certainly worthwhile. If someone doesn't share an interest of yours, you both just reach an agreement to allow each other time for their own things. You might not be able to do your thing whenever you want to, but relationships often involve given-and-take compromises like that, so you should be prepared for that in any event.

It only ever becomes a problem when someone possesses an active disdain for your geekery, wants you to stop doing it, and doesn't tell you that that is the case. So, if your SO says that they are OK with you going to visit your geeky friends once a month so you can play Burning Wheel, but they actually want you to not do that and instead spend time with them, you'll have a problem.

Someone can dislike an activity of yours all they want, as long as they give you room to do it without them and the agreement reached is acceptable to both parties. If someone agrees to something they're not actually comfortable with, or if someone refuses to reach a reasonable agreement, then you will have trouble.

Li_Akahi

People take what they can get? I honestly don't know, but I think that may be a contributing factor.

Kate Monster

I also wonder how many of the men in that situation are interested in what their S.O.'s are interested in. Just because the women didn't talk about their interests doesn't mean they don't have them nor does it mean that their interests are any more or less valid than video-games and tech. They may share other interests with their partners like mountain biking, dog rescue, politics, etc.

While it may have been a group of "duds", it could also be that those situations can be awkward for people that are shier or not as familiar with the subject matter. To judge these relationships from the outside based on one or two work related social functions seems to be a bit harsh. Did you go up to any of those women and ask them what they do, how they spend their time, what they read/watch, etc.?

gomidog

While it may have been a group of "duds", it could also be that those situations can be awkward for people that are shier or not as familiar with the subject matter. To judge these relationships from the outside based on one or two work related social functions seems to be a bit harsh. Did you go up to any of those women and ask them what they do, how they spend their time, what they read/watch, etc.?

This is true, and I am going on the basis of one party. The thing was, the guys started conversation and the girls didn't. I tried to get them into conversations, and they were kind of boring. It was just traditional lame girly shit.

In fact, I find it more interesting to date someone with interests that differ from my own (to an extent, at least), because that gives you an opportunity to explore someone else, to explore yourself, and to help each other grow as people.

Yeah, I'm all cool with that. That's not what I am talking about. I'm talking about sharing and learning about these differing interests with each other. The girls were openly dismissive of the guys ideas and likes, often.
I actually consider myself more of an art-girl than a gamer/tech person. Rym does not have great background in cinema studies or art theory. However, he is interested in at least scratching the surface of it, and learning more.

It only ever becomes a problem when someone possesses an active disdain for your geekery, wants you to stop doing it, and doesn't tell you that that is the case. So, if your SOsaysthat they are OK with you going to visit your geeky friends once a month so you can play Burning Wheel, but they actually want you to not do that and instead spend time with them, you'll have a problem.

This. This is what I mean. These girls seemed to want their husbands to be more "normal."

TheWhaleShark

This. This is what I mean. These girls seemed to want their husbands to be more "normal."

Well then, I would ask those husbands why they married a woman (or vice-versa) who was not happy with they way they were.

There are some things that you can reasonably expect to change when you get married (i.e. the marriage takes priority over, say, a girlfriend), but anything you want to be different has to be communicated to the other party, always.

Also, don't forget about bitching. Someone may be complaining about something their SO does without it truly bothering them. There are nuisances and then there are problems, and the two should not be confused. We usually tolerate nuisances because they're so minor they don't really matter, but they can be enough to warrant a bit of complaining every now and again. If it's an actual problem, and they're complaining to other people in lieu of discussing it with their SO, then again you have a problem.

People take what they can get? I honestly don't know, but I think that may be a contributing factor.

This. A lot of men get married because it's easier than trying to find someone who's very compatible, and it's better than being alone, at least in their minds. I disagree with that line of reasoning, but there it is. A lot of people just settle for what they can get because it's familiar and comfortable.

gomidog

I guess what I was trying to say is that it weirded me out that these people didn't talk to each other or be in the same conversation.
It would be boring to be married to a clone of yourself, but at the same time, to seemingly have nothing to relate to each other with?

TheWhaleShark

I guess what I was trying to say is that it weirded me out that these people didn't talk to each other or be in the same conversation.

Well, sometimes you want to talk to someone else. When you spend 30 years with someone, though that person may have near-infinite depth and complexity, you may still want to get a different perspective every now and again.

There are certainly marriages that are based more on convenience than anything else. Those can be problematic.

Rym

I think the problem was that the guys all entered the discussion no matter what the topic was, but the girls were largely silent except when weddings and honeymoons came up. Even when the conversation was far from technology, the SOs seemed bored, but they would never raise a topic or start a conversation on their own (except Emily and the professor).

While it may have been a group of "duds", it could also be that those situations can be awkward for people that are shier or not as familiar with the subject matter.

But hardly anyone at the table was familiar with the majority of the topics discussed at any given time.

Did you go up to any of those women and ask them what they do, how they spend their time, what they read/watch, etc.?

Terse, noncommittal answers were about all you could get out of them. One actually answered "so what do you do outside of work" with "nothing much, really," and dropped the conversation at that. No matter what topic came up, they had nothing to say. They were bored when we talked about anything as far as I could tell, but they wouldn't bring anything to the table no matter how much anyone tried.

TheWhaleShark

They were bored when we talked about anything as far as I could tell, but they wouldn't bring anything to the table no matter how much anyone tried.

Maybe the party wasn't their thing, or maybe they are in fact boring. It does sound a bit to me like they were dragged to an event that didn't interest them, and I know that when I'm somewhere I don't want to be, I find it difficult to want to talk about anything at all. In that kind of situation, I would rather be anywhere else and I'm not terribly interested in making the most of my situation. This can change if I meet someone cool, but sometimes even that doesn't make a difference.

If that's the situation here, the disinterested parties should've just said "no." Simple. If you don't think you'll like it, you can opt to stay home. To be fair, maybe they were giving the party a shot and finding out that they really weren't liking it. It's possible.

Rym

The saddest part is that most of the husbands attending seemed saddened that the wives were invited. They wanted to come on their own. -_-

Viga

Maybe they are bland as toast, but maybe they just don't have great conversation skills? Maybe? I used to write off some girls because they seemed so generic and girly, but once something was coaxed out of them the conversation flourished and they were actually interesting.

The saddest part is that most of the husbands attending seemed saddened that the wives were invited. They wanted to come on their own. -_-

Ouch.

George Patches

Why do geek guys want to date normal girls? Is it fun? Do any of you have this problem with your S.O. not being down with your geekery?

I'll report back on this when I find a girl who will consistently go out with me.

Wyatt

This may have also been a case of social positioning. Those women may have meet for the first time that night and not really know what they should or shouldn't talk about. They may have taken the socially safe route and talked about think they are expected to talk about instead of taking a risk to talk about something they truly enjoyed.

gomidog

This may have also been a case of social positioning. Those women may have meet for the first time that night and not really know what they should or shouldn't talk about. They may have taken the socially safe route and talked about think they are expected to talk about instead of taking a risk to talk about something they truly enjoyed.

That's a good point. All the guys knew each other, but the women had never met before. However, I talked.

TheWhaleShark

However, I talked.

That is not an unusual occurrence. :P

Kate Monster

I guess what I was trying to say is that it weirded me out that these people didn't talk to each other or be in the same conversation.
It would be boring to be married to a clone of yourself, but at the same time, to seemingly have nothing to relate to each other with?

You are judging them by how they act in public at a function for their SO's work. The function was meant to focus on the workers, not necessarily their significant others. The workers know each other and have a bond, the non-workers were probably meeting people that they have 1) never met or only see once a year, 2) may feel like they have to be as inoffensive as possible so as not to jeopardize their SO's working relationships, 3) may have limited or no working knowledge or interest in tech or video games and thus defaulted to a subject they all had in common (their relationships), and 4) may have felt obligated to attend a function that they have limited interest in and thus were not as engaging as they might have been otherwise. I am sorry these women bored you, but you are assuming that the way they presented themselves in that group dynamic is how their marriage is always. That really just doesn't seem like a fair analysis. Also, what bores you may interest them and vice versa.

Rym

Also, what bores you may interest them and vice versa.

Well, wedding planning bores me, and everything else interests me, so that explains that. ^_~

Kate Monster

Also, what bores you may interest them and vice versa.

Well, wedding planning bores me, and everything else interests me, so that explains that. ^_~

The assumption that they are only interested in wedding planning seems a little ridiculous. Also, when I was planning a wedding, you seemed happy to contribute ideas to my plans.
EDIT: My issue with this is that is a snap judgment based on little information and comes across as ignorant/assuming snobbery.

TheWhaleShark

Also, when I was planning a wedding, you seemed happy to contribute ideas to my plans.

Yeah, but the DJ never did wind up playing Slayer.

Kate Monster

Also, when I was planning a wedding, you seemed happy to contribute ideas to my plans.

Yeah, but the DJ never did wind up playing Slayer.

I don't really like Slayer and teh DJ was the only not-so-great aspect of the wedding.

Apreche

It's because most people can't overcome their biological desires with their conscious mind. This is why people marry others who they are not actually compatible with. This is why we see people throw away their lives and choose a college that their girlfriend or boyfriend is going to rather than consider what's best for them. This is why Tiger Woods will cheat on his wife.

I would say that most people are unable to make anything else a higher priority than sex. Even if they consciously don't consider it that important, they seem to be incapable of resisting their biological desires, even when they are in direct conflict with obviously better decisions.

Kate Monster

I would say that most people are unable to make anything else a higher priority than sex.

Wow, where is your data to make such a sweeping judgment?

George Patches

EDIT:

Wow, where is your data to make such a sweeping judgment?

Yeah, what she said!

TheWhaleShark

Wow, where is your data to make such a sweeping judgment?

His ass?

A less sweeping and somewhat more reasonable statement would be "Many people seem to place a disproportionate emphasis on obtaining a mate." I'd still ask for data there, but that's the sort of thing that can be more readily observed.

Apreche

Wow, where is your data to make such a sweeping judgment

Purely anecdotal. But you can see so many examples. I mean, how many politicians do we see risking great political power just for a little action? How many people make unwanted babies or get STDs, even if they know better and have no moral qualms with contraception, just for greater short-term pleasure?

I can make the statement even more general. Most people put short-term pleasure has a higher priority over just about everything else. Sex just happens to be an extremely powerful (most powerful?) short-term pleasure.

TheWhaleShark

short-term pleasure.

Pfft. Maybe if you're doing it wrong. :P

I would concur that there appears to be a great emphasis on instant gratification as opposed to delayed gratification. This can lead people to make decisions that are unwise in the long run. Many people in that situation learn to adapt, but the situation could have been avoided altogether.

George Patches

Purely anecdotal. But you can see so many examples.

The plural of anecdote is not data.

Kate Monster

Wow, where is your data to make such a sweeping judgment

Purely anecdotal. But you can see so many examples. I mean, how many politicians do we see risking great political power just for a little action? How many people make unwanted babies or get STDs, even if they know better and have no moral qualms with contraception, just for greater short-term pleasure?

I can make the statement even more general. Most people put short-term pleasure has a higher priority over just about everything else. Sex just happens to be an extremely powerful (most powerful?) short-term pleasure.

There are other factors that enter into a lot of the situations you brought up beyond "me want sex, so brain shut-off."
The subject at hand was choosing a mate based solely on sexual impulse. Also, you will hear about scandals/STDs and such frequently in the media and it may feel like it is a pervasive issue, but to claim that the majority of people are acting in this manner demands true data.

Rym

I'd wager a far more common problem is simply people rushing into relationships and marriage because they feel pressure from society to conform to various expectations about when and how to form a family.

Jay

This may just be a result of a number's game. Are there as many "geeky" girls as guys? From my own experience I would say maybe 1/40 girls in my high school would show interest in things that were not reality tv/wedding/local gossip/places to get drunk or party. Until I went to University there was perhaps...4 girls I knew that would share common interests with me. Only after I started attending University did I actually start meeting a decent amount females that I could have an interesting conversation with. Even then the ratio probably only went up to about 1/4. A vast improvement, but that's after a huge filter.

I could only imagine how hard it would be to find someone with common interests that your also attracted too (just cause your interested in similar things doesn't mean your attracted to each other) if your late 20's, out of school, just meeting people around the work place or through your probably small group of friends. At some point people may just settle for close enough. Especially if your geekeries are ones that are largely male dominated (say anime/tech/skepticism apparently given the turn outs at skeptic meetings) there may just be not enough females with those common interest for all the men.

Also, in general females are less tech savvy than men (This isn't me being sexist. It's a huge problem I hear professors and womens' advocates talking about all the time.) Not being computer literate incredibly limits the wealth of knowledge you can acquire, especially if your not wealthy enough to travel/partake in more expensive hobbies. If you just go to work, come home, watch t.v and maybe go to a bar once in a while. Your realm of knowledge will be very limited. With the internet you can learn about things you don't directly experience, have a broader base of knowledge and get more view points on topics if you desire. Without that you got fox news, the poor quality newspaper at the bus stop, and your small group of friends to gain all your knowledge from.