Okay, but the professor was all film and urban studies and her husband was all technology and history. They had very different academic backgrounds, but since they were both intellectuals, they could talk about a variety of subjects together. A common pairing in our group seems to be tech-guy to art-girl. This works out: We are not exactly the same in our skills and geekery, but there isn't what seems like a monumental gap between our lifestyles and ideals.
Also, in general, females are less tech savvy than men. (This isn't me being sexist. It's a huge problem I hear professors and womens' advocates talking about all the time.)
It is a problem, and I would like to see more programmer girls. It was a little unfortunate that every employee at the party was male. However, a girl does not have to be a programmer to be interesting.
Is it possible that people like this are afraid of never having another relationship so, instead of continuing to search out someone with common interests to them, they just hold on to the person they have?
Is it possible that people like this are afraid of never having another relationship so, instead of continuing to search out someone with common interests to them, they just hold on to the person they have?
Yes, entirely. It's the popint Whaleshark made about the convenience of the relationship. The familiar is nice.
Is it possible that people like this are afraid of never having another relationship so, instead of continuing to search out someone with common interests to them, they just hold on to the person they have?
So, you're saying if you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with?
The root problem here is that a LOT of geeks have low self esteem. That's it. They take the first woman that shows interest because they're afraid that no-one else will ever like them, and they put up with it because "it's better than being alone". I used to hang out with people like this. Fine in every other sense, but shitty girlfriend because that's who would date them at that time.
The root problem here is that a LOT of people have low self esteem.
FTFY. Regardless of who the geek is in a relationship, it generally follows that if one person has low self esteem, they both do. If one person is only in the relationship because he or she cannot do any better, the other person has also made the same conclusion, cause if that were not true, the relationship wouldn't exist. Note that this only applies to long-term relationships. And of course there are always exceptions, but I have to wonder how many people out there with high esteem can think to themselves that they can do better, but don't. I can't imagine it's very many.
Back at university we had an expression we used when going out clubbing and trying to pick up ladies. "Going Ugly Early" meant instead of waiting until 1:45 AM, just minutes before the club closes, and thinking "Fuckit, none of the good looking girls are interested, I'll pull the fat girl..." you'd, well, go ugly early.
I'm not sure why this thread made me think of that, but I'm sure it has a little relevance.
My short answer would be: "Well, people marry people so different from each other because love is blind". But that is like saying: "42". If you want to read my longer version, here it is:
Humans are in a constant struggle between our mind and out body. We want to, well our mind wants find someone that will fill that empty space in our heart, soul, or whatever you want to call it. And yet our body pays more attention to the physical appearance of a person, many times our mind will form an alliance with out body in order to create an illusion to make look that person that we are interested in way more appealing than what she/he is.
Not looking farther than a couple of weeks, I myself fell over heels for a co-worker or mine. I tough that she was more, I though that she was someone special (she might be special in her own way, but not to me). I opened my mind and I saw all her imperfections. Now, I am a big follower of "Sonnet 130". So, if I was able to see all her imperfections and not just like them but love them. Then I would have realized that she would have being something special to me. I was happy to realize that before I would have done something stupid like telling her I liked her.
However, sometimes our mind and our body will create a long illusion, which will lead to some marriages. Some of them will be broken and they will say that their love was not strong enough. Maybe, but I believe that true love is one of the few things in this universe that are forever.
Personally I look for someone that share my same interests and ideals. Though in the mean time I am glad to be alone because I have so much time to enjoy and discovering myself
Back at university we had an expression we used when going out clubbing and trying to pick up ladies. "Going Ugly Early" meant instead of waiting until 1:45 AM, just minutes before the club closes, and thinking "Fuckit, none of the good looking girls are interested, I'll pull the fat girl..." you'd, well, go ugly early.
I'm not sure why this thread made me think of that, but I'm sure it has a little relevance.
That reminded me of the song "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, make a ugly girl your wife" :-p
I think it is odd that no one is considering that not all geeks are interesting. A lot of people that like tech and videogames are as dull as toast. There are other worthwhile interests for both genders.
"If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, make a ugly girl your wife" :-p
The lyrics are:
If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life Never make a pretty women your wife Go for my personal point of view Get an ugly girl to marry you
I still think to judge based on that limited and often awkward social situation is less than fair. It also comes across as superior and a tad sexist.
lot of people that like tech and videogames are as dull as toast. There are other worthwhile interests for both genders.
Geek has nothing to do with technology or videogames. A sewing geek or a sports geek is no different from a videogame geek, and they can usually all get along socially pretty well.
Nerds are the ones who can't. They have one interest, and don't care much about other things.
lot of people that like tech and videogames are as dull as toast. There are other worthwhile interests for both genders.
Geek has nothing to do with technology or videogames. A sewing geek or a sports geek is no different from a videogame geek, and they can usually all get along socially pretty well.
Nerds are the ones who can't. They have one interest, and don't care much about other things.
She was specifically talking about tech/videogame geeks. I was trying to make the point that the women in question probably have their own geekeries/interests/endeavors that are equally valid.
She was specifically talking about tech/videogame geeks. I was trying to make the point that the women in question probably have their own geekeries/interests/endeavors that are equally valid.
And they refused to talk about them if they did. No interest in any topic broached (except weddings). Responding to any questions about interests in movies, hobbies, anything, with something along the lines of "I don't do much," unless they could relate it back to either weddings or some admonishment of their husbands-to-be.
I wouldn't have though much of it, except that it was the exact same situation at IBM. The wives were all quick to diminish the interests of their husbands publicly, regardless of what they were, but would not express their own interests in anything but marriage/family/children. The husbands preferred not to bring their wives, largely to get away from them and to "allow conversation." The interactions in both sets of people were largely identical.
The lack of interest or shyness wouldn't bother were it not for the fact that they seemed to jump to action to admonish any of their husbands' hobbies if ever they came up. They'd interject with "Oh, he plays those games with his friends" or the like if gaming came up. They'd be super quiet except to take a negative slant on hobbies. It was almost passive aggressive.
Did you engage them? Did you ask them what they do for a living, what they have read/seen lately, or if they have any hobbies? Do you take into consideration that a lot of the mothers may not have time for many hobbies depending on how engaged their S.O. is with child rearing and homemaking? If these women were all being rude to their husbands/boyfriends and completely refused to discuss any topic except weddings when the topic was introduced to them directly as individuals, then that is really odd. I am just dubious of this actually being the case and that you actively sought to speak with them or that their husbands/boyfriends sought to bring them in on the conversation. What is wrong with talking about your children, your home, your marriage, etc.? Those are all valid topics and probably the most obvious topic that they had in common - a relationship with the employee, their families, etc. All of this should also take into consideration the social awkwardness of the situation - half of the people had no familiarity with anyone else and may have only attended out of perceived obligation. To label them all as boring or not right for their S.O. is a snap judgment based on limited-to-no information is shortsighted and a bit biased. To vilify these women and compliment these men based on the limits of the information gathered just seems wrong.
She was specifically talking about tech/videogame geeks. I was trying to make the point that the women in question probably have their own geekeries/interests/endeavors that are equally valid.
Do they, though? I tried to find out. You are acting like I am dissing anyone who is not a geek. Wrong! For example, I used to talk to the old ladies at the Methodist Church. Do you think they were into anime or counterstrike? No! However, they knew all sorts of cool things. One of them was from Germany, and another was a really good cook. They would tell funny stories. They were interesting. I am dissing these girls (maybe not in general, but for their behavior at the party) for being really one dimensional. The guys weren't talking about tech the whole time. Did you read the post? They talked about all sorts of stuff, from Philosophy to Italy. Why did the ladies act sullen and not say anything? Also, how is that sexist, if I notice this a lot? If it was guys being lame in an all girl group I would have remarked on it, too.
I also wonder how many of the men in that situation are interested in what their S.O.'s are interested in. Just because the women didn't talk about their interests doesn't mean they don't have them nor does it mean that their interests are any more or less valid than video-games and tech. They may share other interests with their partners like mountain biking, dog rescue, politics, etc.
Then why didn't they talk about mountain biking, or dog rescue? Oh, and we actually did talk about dogs, but it was the prof. that brought it up, and then Rym's male co-workers told dog stories. Maybe these girls had never had pets?
Did you engage them? Did you ask them what they do for a living, what they have read/seen lately, or if they have any hobbies
Yes. They had almost no answers outside of actual work. They'd say things like "I don't really watch many movies" or "I don't really have any hobbies."
Do you take into consideration that a lot of the mothers may not have time for many hobbies depending on how engaged their S.O. is with child rearing and homemaking?
None of them have children yet.
If these women were all being rude to their husbands/boyfriends and completely refused to discuss any topic except weddings when the topic was introduced to them directly as individuals, then that is really odd.
That has honestly been the norm in my entire career among my married co-workers. Exceptions really stand out.
I am just dubious of this actually being the case and that you actively sought to speak with them or that their husbands/boyfriends sought to bring them in on the conversation
We tried, but they either hid their interests or didn't seem to have them.
What is wrong with talking about your children, your home, your marriage, etc.?
It was all they would talk about. No other topic, no matter how generic, elicited any response other than the most noncommittal answers possible.
To label them all as boring or not right for their S.O. is a snap judgment based on limited-to-no information is shortsighted and a bit biased.
Regardless of any other factor, continually and publicly admonishing your SO's hobbies in social settings, especially among "strangers," reeks of a bad relationship. The evidence all points at them disapproving of how their SOs spend their time and having few hobbies. That may not be true, but all of the evidence says that it is.
To vilify these women and compliment these men based on the limits of the information gathered just seems wrong.
The men are just as at fault if they accept the constant admonishment.
Again, I am sorry they were dull at the party, but to make such snap and sweeping judgements about their lives and their relationships is going too far.
On a semi-related matter: I keep reading about addiction to WoW and other video games being cited as the primary cause for break ups and divorce among an increasing number of couples. Has anyone read anything that indicates same with any veracity?
Well, I might bring up that Rym also works with these guys. For example, one guy is sad because his fiance "will not let him" go skiing, because it bores her.
Maybe they find you as boring as you did them and could not be bothered with trying to befriend you as they had other people that wanted to talk about weddings and stuff right next to them. If your significant other doesn't want you to go skiing because she/he finds it boring and won't let you go alone, you have other and more important problems to take care of than just a boring S.O..
If your significant other doesn't want you to go skiing because she/he finds it boring and won't let you go alone, you have other and more important problems to take care of than just a boring S.O..
THIS! (to a degree) Remember that you are only getting one side of the story. Did he want to go skiing at a time that was inconvenient to previously made plans or would skiing take a significant lay out of the shared finances on an activity solely for him and depriving her from other activities that they would both enjoy?
I think you're looking into this too much Kate. There are a lot of dull women and men, and the smart/fun/geek/etc. ones sometimes marry down to the dull.
Comments
I'm not sure why this thread made me think of that, but I'm sure it has a little relevance.
If you want to read my longer version, here it is:
Humans are in a constant struggle between our mind and out body. We want to, well our mind wants find someone that will fill that empty space in our heart, soul, or whatever you want to call it. And yet our body pays more attention to the physical appearance of a person, many times our mind will form an alliance with out body in order to create an illusion to make look that person that we are interested in way more appealing than what she/he is.
Not looking farther than a couple of weeks, I myself fell over heels for a co-worker or mine. I tough that she was more, I though that she was someone special (she might be special in her own way, but not to me). I opened my mind and I saw all her imperfections.
Now, I am a big follower of "Sonnet 130". So, if I was able to see all her imperfections and not just like them but love them. Then I would have realized that she would have being something special to me. I was happy to realize that before I would have done something stupid like telling her I liked her.
However, sometimes our mind and our body will create a long illusion, which will lead to some marriages. Some of them will be broken and they will say that their love was not strong enough. Maybe, but I believe that true love is one of the few things in this universe that are forever.
Personally I look for someone that share my same interests and ideals. Though in the mean time I am glad to be alone because I have so much time to enjoy and discovering myself
Nerds are the ones who can't. They have one interest, and don't care much about other things.
I wouldn't have though much of it, except that it was the exact same situation at IBM. The wives were all quick to diminish the interests of their husbands publicly, regardless of what they were, but would not express their own interests in anything but marriage/family/children. The husbands preferred not to bring their wives, largely to get away from them and to "allow conversation." The interactions in both sets of people were largely identical.
The lack of interest or shyness wouldn't bother were it not for the fact that they seemed to jump to action to admonish any of their husbands' hobbies if ever they came up. They'd interject with "Oh, he plays those games with his friends" or the like if gaming came up. They'd be super quiet except to take a negative slant on hobbies. It was almost passive aggressive.
All of this should also take into consideration the social awkwardness of the situation - half of the people had no familiarity with anyone else and may have only attended out of perceived obligation.
To label them all as boring or not right for their S.O. is a snap judgment based on limited-to-no information is shortsighted and a bit biased. To vilify these women and compliment these men based on the limits of the information gathered just seems wrong.
On a semi-related matter:
I keep reading about addiction to WoW and other video games being cited as the primary cause for break ups and divorce among an increasing number of couples.
Has anyone read anything that indicates same with any veracity?
If your significant other doesn't want you to go skiing because she/he finds it boring and won't let you go alone, you have other and more important problems to take care of than just a boring S.O..
Remember that you are only getting one side of the story. Did he want to go skiing at a time that was inconvenient to previously made plans or would skiing take a significant lay out of the shared finances on an activity solely for him and depriving her from other activities that they would both enjoy?