The feeling is coming back. I don't like most of my friends and the ones that I do I rarely get to see. I've realized that over the years I've had few actual friends and most of them I just hung out with out of convenience. Situations like this: have been more and more true for me lately. I can't help it. I don't know what it is exactly but I just can't stand them anymore. I'm still paranoid they secretly hate me as well. I had been planning on staying up here in Marquette but I don't even know why I bother. There's maybe 5 people I'm actually close friends with up here, and I rarely see them anyways. I'm still questioning why I'm even in college in the first place. Ugh. Haven't been sleeping right either. I swore I was going to fix my sleep schedule but still no luck. Melatonin seems to help but I'm afraid to take it some nights because I don't want to oversleep and miss class, which I keep doing anyway. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I'm out of the fire for now. My bruises have healed up well and I don't have any more biting urges to self-harm. Got out of it with only one crazy drunk message to the lady I'm interested in, so that should be alright (she hasn't responded, but I think she knew where I was at). Now, I just have to keep this up.
On a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst possible thing I could do after coming out of a depressive episode, "Visit Dachau" was like, a 7.7. Maybe a hard eight.
I'm not sure if this is a bad thing or a good thing in terms of my issues with my brother, but, my well has run dry for that man. As I talked to him about his opinions on friendship, lying, and how obsessive he is on D&D, I truly did realize how horrible of a person he is and he probably will end up depressed and lonely. It's all his own fault, and I can't stop it because he expects everyone to change for his benefits.
...But usually when I would cry and feel sad, I really don't. I don't feel mournful or somber either, I was only mildly annoyed and just looking at his as a crying child than my brother. So I wasn't sadden by our relationship deteriorating because it's been a long time coming and I've been feeling this. But now...I just don't feel sad. He has said messages of like "Family doesn't mean enough for me to defend it." So...he kind of got his wish that came to me.
So yeah, not sure if this is bad or good, but I feel bizarrely indifferent. It feels like this will lead towards benefits.
Only now that I am cheering up am I slowly realizing that I can't remember the last time I have expressed any emotion other than happiness, feigned happiness, or just a flat monotone expressing the words of fear or anger. There might have been crying here or there, but I don't recall.
Of course, the fact that I'm feeling better now invariably means that I will get angry and alienate if not outright castigate someone. No one I care about, but I can feel it on the horizon. It's probably a good idea to tell Travel Bitch in no uncertain terms precisely what I think about her, just to remember what that's like.
The past few days have been depressing as hell, for a multitude of reasons to sad and pathetic to enumerate here.
BUT - the very simple acts of being accepted by some friends on Google + have been exceptionally bright spots in an otherwise cold, grey time. Thank you, guys.
So, I'm just trying to convince myself it's worthwhile to wake up and get out of bed today, when i started thinking about what's been making it hard for me to think of anything else for a long time: When, exactly, did it all become a lie? I hear for fifteen years that she loves me SOOOOO much, and her family loves me and her friends love me, and then it suddenly toggles off like a fucking light switch.
I don't want her back or her family back. I can never trust them again. What makes it hard (and I know this may sound juvenile or melodramatic), is that I don't think I can trust anyone again. If I ever did get into another relationship (slim chance of that here), I would be always wondering, "When is she going to just switch off like the last one did?"
It's enough to make a person look at that bottle full of Klonopin and wonder what's keeping him from taking the whole thing. Well, for me, of course, there's my dog. I probably would have tried it seven times since January by now if it weren't for him - but there's also the fear that, if you eat the whole bottle of Klonopin, you'll ralph up half of it before it can do the job, just leaving you sick.
So, don't get all worried. I'm not at risk. I just think about this sort of thing a lot, but I've thought about it a lot for more than forty years without doing it, so there's nothing to worry about.
What I might like to know is: Maybe I want to get the fuck out of here. What are the chances for someone to start over in New York, Philadelphia, Boston or some such place these days? At least a person might have more than a snowball's chance of getting just one date who didn't have grandchildren by the time she was thirty.
There's always a chance to start over in a place like that, man. Hell, that's why I'm pretty sure I'm leaving the Midwest after graduation; I'm just not sure I can take the baggage I've attached to the place anymore.
I'd say if you feel like going, go. You're tough as nails to have made it this far, you have the skills necessary to make it in a city like that, and you're already financially secure enough to have a decent footing when you get there. Just pick the city carefully; you don't want to end up in an urban environment you really dislike.
Starting over is crazy easy as long as you are willing to do whatever. The main obstacle I see people having is that they can't get the job they want, so they opt for no job whatsoever. If you are willing and able to work retail or food service while you are trying to find a real job, then you can make it in the city no problem. Bonus, everything here is awesome!
What I might like to know is: Maybe I want to get the fuck out of here. What are the chances for someone to start over in New York, Philadelphia, Boston or some such place these days? At least a person might have more than a snowball's chance of getting just one date who didn't have grandchildren by the time she was thirty.
Start sending in applications. State that you are not only willing, but eager to relocate to meet the needs of your employer. It's much easier to start over if you already have employment nailed down. Do it now! Go online, find jobs!
It's even easier if you're willing to take a little bit of a pay cut. Figure out your minimum living salary requirements. Go from there.
...says the person with no job. So, grain of salt.
What I might like to know is: Maybe I want to get the fuck out of here. What are the chances for someone to start over in New York, Philadelphia, Boston or some such place these days? At least a person might have more than a snowball's chance of getting just one date who didn't have grandchildren by the time she was thirty.
Start sending in applications. State that you are not only willing, but eager to relocate to meet the needs of your employer. It's much easier to start over if you already have employment nailed down. Do it now! Go online, find jobs!
It's even easier if you're willing to take a little bit of a pay cut. Figure out your minimum living salary requirements. Go from there.
...says the person with no job. So, grain of salt.
You don't get a pay cut in NYC. At least in my experience you get a raise for an equivalent position because the cost of living is higher and the average pay is higher.
That's great if you are moving to NYC and you can find open jobs with higher than your salary, Scott. Your strategy assumes you are willing to wait indefinitely until a job with the right pay opens up. If moving is more important than a raise, some Not You person might be inclined to take a pay cut if it means moving faster.
That's great if you are moving to NYC and you can find open jobs with higher than your salary, Scott. Your strategy assumes you are willing to wait indefinitely until a job with the right pay opens up. If moving is more important than a raise, some Not You person might be inclined to take a pay cut if it means moving faster.
Yeah, of course if you want a job quickly you probably will be getting a not-equivalent position.
As far as moving on to new cities goes, what do you have to hold you back? You have to move a dog, but you've already moved cross-country once. You can't have accumulated that much grounding to the new place. If you've got the financial security to make the move, make the move. Try to make the best call you can about what move to make, but do it.
And supposing you do make such a move, may I suggest not worrying so much about the relationship aspect? Pick some other things you want to do for their own sake first, and prioritize those. Preferably things that are concrete and you can guarantee progress in finite steps. I feel like your current perspective is a bit imbittered and trying to go from the place you are now mentally into a healthy productive relationship is probably difficult or unlikely. That's my armchair perspective at least, based on where I've been and how I've dealt with things.
You have to choose to trust people. It's always a choice to put that faith in a person.
Relationships change. Building one that can deal with the changes is ideal, but not always possible.
Just pick any reason to get up. Choose your own adventure. That may only work for me though.
I'm with out creamy, meaty friend on this one, Joe. Bail on Kentucky, go check out NYC. Get involved with the NerdNYC stuff and play some board games, find a sweet game store and comic place and make some cool friends. Once you've got a social network of interesting people, then a relationship will probably fall into your lap.
Well, today it's hitting me especially hard, because Derby used to be a special day for us. I'm at the point right now that my hands are shaking and I'm actually crying a bit.
There's a party I can go to in an hour or so. If i can pull myself together, I can go and get through the day, I suppose.
You have to choose to trust people. It's always a choice to put that faith in a person.
Relationships change. Building one that can deal with the changes is ideal, but not always possible.
I agree with the first sentence, but the second one is what makes me want to check out. I really don't know if I want to be a part of a system where you can get married for what is supposed to be for the rest of your life, and then one day your partner says, "Well, things change. Get out."
See the disconnect there? The dissonance? You get promised forever, but then someone says, "Things change", and you're done. That's a suck-ass system if you ask me.
At the very least, someone should say to the person who said "Things change" that they're an inconstant, unfaithful bitch for not living up to their promise.
How about this? Maybe we can agree that "things change", but then also agree not to promise forever unless you actually mean to keep that promise in spite of whatever little change there may be. Would that be so hard?
Part of that is a lack of communication. Granted, it is hard as balls to find someone who is a good, open communicator who can bring up problems when they occur and not just hold it in. But that's probably what you need in order to trust someone again.
My advice is to find someone who will tell you when she is upset about something, especially when it is something you did or said. When you are confident that your SO is going to tell you about problems, then you can start to trust that there are no undisclosed shoes waiting to drop. Yeah, it takes awhile to feel this characteristic out - you'll have to get back on the dating horse to do it.
Yeah, it takes awhile to feel this characteristic out - you'll have to get back on the dating horse to do it.
. . . which is going to be hard as hell to do when the entire dating pool consists only of toothless NASCAR-watching, churchgoing, republican great-grandmothers.
Okay, I gotta get out of here. I don't know how I'll do it, but I think it must be done.
You also don't have to get married. It's optional. You can have a perfectly fulfilling relationship without it - and if you don't want to get hit with the "forever or 15 years" stick, that might be a thing to consider.
But yeah. Recently single? On the prowl? Get yourself up to New York City. They have cool museums.
God I was finally feeling a bit better before this. Me and my mom were cleaning out my dorm and she just goes off on me multiple times. Earlier on I'm just tired and I say things about how I'm just tired of this place and want to go home and stuff like that because its been a long year. I'm just angry and exhausted and she yells at me saying I have problems and that I need to go to the doctor. It fucking pisses me off, that any time I get cranky or anything she threatens to send me to a shrink. Then, later while we're lifting a dresser our fingers get smashed by the drawer. I say something about how I've really hurt myself with that before and she just goes off on me saying how I never thing about anyone else and that she's ashamed that she raised someone like me. And she said something like "your father was right about you, we need to send you to a shrink." Seriously, what the fuck? I'm so fucking pissed right now. I've already been stressed about college and everything and this finally took me over the edge.
Randomly waking up at 3:30 am for no reason and being unable to go back to sleep is not so awesome. But I'd be able to deal with it okay if it didn't come with extremely mentally-loud doubts about a number of people I've called close friends. Particularly since right now the point is totally moot. Most useless anxiety ever.
I made an appointment with my doc, hopefully resulting in an SSRI to stamp out my depression and an anxiolytic so I can prevent any more hour-long dissociative panic attacks. So, that's good.
Now I just have to ride out the next 34 days. Unfortunately, finals are between now and then, and my sleep pattern is erratic at best. Also, I'm eating maybe once every 24 hours. This is going to be tough.
Well, usually I just forget. And if I remember, I realize that I haven't eaten in a very long time, and then I will either will myself to eat, or be so apathetic about the effort necessary to obtain and prepare food that I just decide not to eat. I don't really feel "hunger" as such until I'm pushing the 36-48 hour mark.
Set up an eating schedule and try to get friends to help you follow it until you get back on your feet. Also, have food generally be available for snacking. I don't know if it's just me, but I know I subconsciously eat when doing something else even when I don't want to.
Worst day in recent memory. Really wish I could just take an ice cold shower and go to sleep, but I have to revise, so that won't do. I'm really struggling to stay focused, too. Ugh.
Comments
have been more and more true for me lately. I can't help it. I don't know what it is exactly but I just can't stand them anymore. I'm still paranoid they secretly hate me as well. I had been planning on staying up here in Marquette but I don't even know why I bother. There's maybe 5 people I'm actually close friends with up here, and I rarely see them anyways. I'm still questioning why I'm even in college in the first place. Ugh. Haven't been sleeping right either. I swore I was going to fix my sleep schedule but still no luck. Melatonin seems to help but I'm afraid to take it some nights because I don't want to oversleep and miss class, which I keep doing anyway. I just don't know what to do anymore.
...But usually when I would cry and feel sad, I really don't. I don't feel mournful or somber either, I was only mildly annoyed and just looking at his as a crying child than my brother. So I wasn't sadden by our relationship deteriorating because it's been a long time coming and I've been feeling this. But now...I just don't feel sad. He has said messages of like "Family doesn't mean enough for me to defend it." So...he kind of got his wish that came to me.
So yeah, not sure if this is bad or good, but I feel bizarrely indifferent. It feels like this will lead towards benefits.
Of course, the fact that I'm feeling better now invariably means that I will get angry and alienate if not outright castigate someone. No one I care about, but I can feel it on the horizon. It's probably a good idea to tell Travel Bitch in no uncertain terms precisely what I think about her, just to remember what that's like.
BUT - the very simple acts of being accepted by some friends on Google + have been exceptionally bright spots in an otherwise cold, grey time. Thank you, guys.
I don't want her back or her family back. I can never trust them again. What makes it hard (and I know this may sound juvenile or melodramatic), is that I don't think I can trust anyone again. If I ever did get into another relationship (slim chance of that here), I would be always wondering, "When is she going to just switch off like the last one did?"
It's enough to make a person look at that bottle full of Klonopin and wonder what's keeping him from taking the whole thing. Well, for me, of course, there's my dog. I probably would have tried it seven times since January by now if it weren't for him - but there's also the fear that, if you eat the whole bottle of Klonopin, you'll ralph up half of it before it can do the job, just leaving you sick.
So, don't get all worried. I'm not at risk. I just think about this sort of thing a lot, but I've thought about it a lot for more than forty years without doing it, so there's nothing to worry about.
What I might like to know is: Maybe I want to get the fuck out of here. What are the chances for someone to start over in New York, Philadelphia, Boston or some such place these days? At least a person might have more than a snowball's chance of getting just one date who didn't have grandchildren by the time she was thirty. Thanks. That actually made me happy.
I'd say if you feel like going, go. You're tough as nails to have made it this far, you have the skills necessary to make it in a city like that, and you're already financially secure enough to have a decent footing when you get there. Just pick the city carefully; you don't want to end up in an urban environment you really dislike.
It's even easier if you're willing to take a little bit of a pay cut. Figure out your minimum living salary requirements. Go from there.
...says the person with no job. So, grain of salt.
And supposing you do make such a move, may I suggest not worrying so much about the relationship aspect? Pick some other things you want to do for their own sake first, and prioritize those. Preferably things that are concrete and you can guarantee progress in finite steps. I feel like your current perspective is a bit imbittered and trying to go from the place you are now mentally into a healthy productive relationship is probably difficult or unlikely. That's my armchair perspective at least, based on where I've been and how I've dealt with things.
You have to choose to trust people. It's always a choice to put that faith in a person.
Relationships change. Building one that can deal with the changes is ideal, but not always possible.
Just pick any reason to get up. Choose your own adventure. That may only work for me though.
There's a party I can go to in an hour or so. If i can pull myself together, I can go and get through the day, I suppose. I agree with the first sentence, but the second one is what makes me want to check out. I really don't know if I want to be a part of a system where you can get married for what is supposed to be for the rest of your life, and then one day your partner says, "Well, things change. Get out."
See the disconnect there? The dissonance? You get promised forever, but then someone says, "Things change", and you're done. That's a suck-ass system if you ask me.
At the very least, someone should say to the person who said "Things change" that they're an inconstant, unfaithful bitch for not living up to their promise.
How about this? Maybe we can agree that "things change", but then also agree not to promise forever unless you actually mean to keep that promise in spite of whatever little change there may be. Would that be so hard?
My advice is to find someone who will tell you when she is upset about something, especially when it is something you did or said. When you are confident that your SO is going to tell you about problems, then you can start to trust that there are no undisclosed shoes waiting to drop. Yeah, it takes awhile to feel this characteristic out - you'll have to get back on the dating horse to do it.
Okay, I gotta get out of here. I don't know how I'll do it, but I think it must be done.
But yeah. Recently single? On the prowl? Get yourself up to New York City. They have cool museums.
But I'd be able to deal with it okay if it didn't come with extremely mentally-loud doubts about a number of people I've called close friends. Particularly since right now the point is totally moot. Most useless anxiety ever.
Now I just have to ride out the next 34 days. Unfortunately, finals are between now and then, and my sleep pattern is erratic at best. Also, I'm eating maybe once every 24 hours. This is going to be tough.