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Fellow Atheists: What to do about religious parents?
This has been pissing me off so much I'll do anything for advice. I'm an atheist being brought up by Catholic parents. I'm about to go through the confirmation program later this year. Being the lazy bastard that I am, I don't want to do the work and I especially don't want to be a confirmed Catholic. My parents are stubborn bastards and so am I, yet they have authority over me. Can anyone help?
Comments
Like with you the confirmation thingy forced me to make a choice, but apart from that my situation was a bit different. My family are protestants, and my parents turned out to be much less religious than I thought before I stood up to them. My experience might be relevant to you anyhow.
I decided to not back down on my principles, and to take whatever fight that might follow. There were some unpleasant arguments, but my choice was respected, and I was treated more like an adult after that. We have all learned not to step on each other's feet to avoid unnecessary family arguments. It works like a charm.
The choice to stand for my principles has helped me in other situations too.
I am going through the exact...same....thing... I am about to be confirmed likewise. And I have also been looking for somewhat of an "answer".
My current plan that I am happy with for the time being is to go along with being confirmed, and slowly walk away from Catholicism. This way, I think that when I say something to them as an adult, they will be eased into the idea and won't take it a suddenly. It is quite a long term plan, but I think the key is that you don't want to do anything rash that will make your parents hate you. In my plan I've just left it to work itself out in adulthood when I've had more life experience and can possibly handle it better.
Just as an aside, how many of you honestly could have guessed I was 15? Ah, the internet. Allowing people of every age and walk of life to discuss and argue on an even level...
1. Suck it up. Do it to make mom and dad happy and just go through the motions. That's what I did for my bar-mitzvah because of my (mistaken) belief that I would be treated more as an adult afterwards.
2. Intilligently and calmly discuss your position with your parents, stand your ground, and brace for some rough weather. Depending on your parents, they could simply be dissappointed, or if they are of the crazy brand of xianism, they could call in other family members to 'help' (read as 'annoy') you, ostracize you from the family, cut you off from funds, or other types of assholeary.
Depending on how much your parents REALLY love you, they'll have a range of acceptance. My parents had different reactions:
My dad turned out to be way less religous than I thought, atheist in fact.
My mom believes, I think, that it is a phase. Which is cute because the 'phase' is about 17 years old and going strong and I'm almost 28.
EDIT: Artboy posted while I was typing. Be warned, if you decide to hold out, they may cut off the tuition $$$.
Essentually, I'd make it perfectly clear that they can force me to go through with the ceremony, but they can't change my beliefs. If they really want me to lie, I will, but that will not change anything.
/born "Catholic"
//not confirmed
///officially renounced baptism
Weigh the pros and cons of doing the confirmation, then make a decision. In the end, your parents can't make you do it. If you have sufficient cohones you can simply refuse to go to the Church. Better yet, you can go to church and make a scene. It's not against the law to disobey your parents. You just have to be prepared to face whatever consequences may come. If your parents refuse to buy you any more video games ever, you have to be prepared to deal with that. If worst comes to worst I would suggest you get all Rosa Parks up in their faces, but that's mostly because I want to be amused when you come here and tell the story of the aftermath.
PS. Well, I'm 13, and yet you don't see me being stupid and crazy like a certain ex-member of the forums (*cough*flamming geek*cough*)
First and foremost you should talk to your parents and try to come to a consensus.
If that does not work, just go through it. If you aren't into it, it's meaningless. Confirmation is only as good as the person being confirmed. It won't kill you to go through the motions, and it will actually show your parents that you are mature enough to be respectful, even if you disagree. The bottom line is that they are your parents, and they do a boatload for you. Sure, you may disagree with some of it, but you still come out way ahead in the end. I'd say that's worthy of some respect. You aren't giving up anything, and you're showing them that you are mature.
Now for a shock... I quit my confirmation class when I was your age. I was able to quite because my parents were fine with it. However, I went on to get confirmed just after I had my first child. It's a long story, and the reasons why are probably not what anyone thinks.
That is just me.
Once you have reached the age when they will ask you to make this decision, you really are old enough to make it for yourself. You may love them and feel grateful for what they have done, but if they do not love you for you, then they are not your family. No genetic code, gifts, past pleasant memories, etc. matter. If they do not love you, they are not your family. They do not have to like your decision or how you act. They may not be willing to financially support your lifestyle if they feel it goes against the morals, but if they love you they will not disown you. Period.
How much do you care about your parent's reaction?
Will their reaction harm you emotionally/physically/financially?
Will they be supportive?
Are you willing to deal with possible consequences and fall-out, no matter how bad they are, if you stick to your guns?
Is your laziness a greater reason to not do the confirmation than your professed atheism?
Laze on, noble sir!
Working with people is a far better approach than working against them, especially your parents. There really is "wiggle room" you just have to find the lagrange point, especially if you hold a broader view of the world than those who you're relating to. He obviously holds the philosophical higher ground so he is going to have to sympothize more in order to find common ground, you just can't expect people to give what they don't already have. We are not static beings, we have impressionable thoughts, feelings and emotions it just isn't as simple as your parents either love you or not.
Well put. ::golf clap::
Wait, what are we talking about?
Nobody here can know what will work out best for you, and no one here can tell you what's right. Everybody here's done a really good job of pointing out the pros and cons of both alternatives, so I'll just relate one little phrase that helped me a lot in an argument with my mother over whether I should pretend not to be an atheist to avoid offending my (extended) family: "I was raised better than to pretend to be something I'm not."
Pointing out to a parent that they're asking you to do something dishonest/immoral is like kicking someone in the nuts in a fight; i.e., it is very effective :-)
The simple truth is that you will never convince your relatives to become atheists. They will never convince you to become a Christian. Therefore, it's a war not worth fighting. Sometimes it's best just to keep mum about the subject. Why offend them if you know that it won't make a difference?
Should the racist, if amongst NAACP members, proclaim that they are a racist and start advocating their position? The way you were "raised," they would. Surely you don't think that this is appropriate!
We are all entitled to our views. However, there is a time and a place for those views. Voicing your views when the only result will be inflammatory is a waste of time. Let others go on with their lives absent your opinion, just as you would want to go on with your life absent theirs.
I guess the only time I've had this come up is when I went to a Jewish wedding. It was requested of me that I wear a yarmakule. I went ahead and wore it. It meant nothing to me, and frankly, I just viewed it as a way I could honor the bride and groom.