That one is your call. You're justified to do it over the phone, given the circumstances (less would be downright dickish), but it's up to you.
Once I decided to meet up with someone in person to break up with them. BAD call! There was nothing positive that could have come out of it, except I thought it was the "cool" or "right" thing to do, and so it was only for my own pride.
You are in the same situation here. Seriously, ask yourself why you think it is a good idea to be with someone when you break up with them. Will it make things easier for them? Will it make things easier for you? Will it be more stress all round?
Let's get our game theory hats on!
By phone:
If she really likes you and will take it badly: 8 points of her upset-ness will be from you breaking up with her. 1 point of her upset-ness will be from you doing it over the phone rather than in person. 1 point of finding someone else to moan to when you hang up.
Her stress = 10 points. Your stress = 3 points (one for having to make the call, and one for your "pride hit", one for the end of the relationship) Total stress = 13.
If she also thinks the relationship has come to a natural end: 1 point upset-ess from the breakup. 2 points because you did it over the phone. But in this case, it doesn't really matter because the total upset-ness is only about 30% of the previous case. And you can just put the phone down and not have to deal with any of her upset-ness.
Her stress = 3 points. Your stress = 3 points again. Total stress = 6.
In person:
If she really likes you and will take it badly: 8 points of upset-ness for the end of the relationship. 3 points for the surprise breakup, when she thought you were going to visit for a fun date.
For you: 1 point from the breakup itself. 2 points of stress while waiting for a good time to tell her. 5 points for traveling to see her. 5 points for taking all of her upset-ness in person, without having anyone to deflect it to. 3 points trying to get away from her without upsetting her more. 2 points trying to find someone else to comfort her after you leave as this is now your responsibility.
Her stress = 11 points. Your stress = 18 points. Total stress = 29 points.
If she also thinks the relationship has come to a natural end:
Her: 1 point from the breakup itself. 1 point for pity ("Well, that's awkward, he's come all this way and now he has to drive all the way home by himself...")
You: 1 point from the breakup itself. 2 points of stress while waiting for a good time to tell her. 5 points for traveling to see her. 1 point for feeling like an idiot ("Well, that was a waste of time, I've come all this way and I could have done it on the phone!")
Her stress = 2 points. Your stress = 9 points. Total stress = 11 points.
And we have our result! Man up, call her, and get it over with as soon as possible.
In the next episode of Dating With Game Theory we'll explore the implications of iterating the above game, with a focus on the exciting question: "With how many of your prospective new partners will you new ex-girlfriend talk shit about you?"
First of all, my game theory hat is always on. Second of all, anyone with a game theory hat on knows that quantifying utility is an extremely difficult field. What I'm getting at here is that your game theory is a bit shaky due to poorly sourced numbers.
Second of all, anyone with a game theory hat on knows that quantifying utility is an extremely difficult field. What I'm getting at here is that your game theory is a bit shaky due to poorly sourced numbers.
If emotions were logical and easily quantified, the world would be a far simpler place. I definitely think the numbers lacked any true emotional sentiment.
People in relationships often inflate all values to feel over infinite. Some people manage to deflate those values to a more manageable number once past the relationship (perhaps even down to the true quantitative value, assuming one exists), while others (drama fiends) continue to extrapolate the emotional value of the situation.
I will say if you're able to consider ending the relationship without assuming the whole world will fall apart if you do, you are in a much better position to assess a correct decision than others in similar situations.
Bryan, I'm not entirely sure which side you are on. You seem to agree with me that quantifying utility is difficult, but seem to agree to the specific values that Luke chose. And to your final point, I am really viewing this as a formality. With the frequency that we speak to each other, we might as well not have been going out for the past month. As a formality though, I plan to deal with it formally.
Bryan, I'm not entirely sure which side you are on.
Sides are for people who make decisions.
You seem to agree with me that quantifying utility is difficult, but seem to agree to the specific values that Luke chose.
I suppose I suggest that specific values like those Luke chose might exist in a sort of universal sense, but the values any one person truly experiences is often much different from any such universal constant.
And to your final point, I am really viewing this as a formality. With the frequency that we speak to each other, we might as well not have been going out for the past month. As a formality though, I plan to deal with it formally.
I'm not going to tell you what to do. I learned a long time ago that getting too involved with other people's relationship decisions is often more responsibility than I desire. It sounds like you know what you want to do and why. I won't comment on either of those any more deeply than that
Yeah I was a little uncertain about that statement myself. Your tiny avatar looks male, but could be female with short hair. Your big profile avatar is seemingly very female. I wasn't sure if the avatars were representing your physical appearance or some kind of inner feeling. I suspect you will run into future gender confusion due to choice of avatars.
Yeah I was a little uncertain about that statement myself. Your tiny avatar looks male, but could be female with short hair. Your big profile avatar is seemingly very female. I wasn't sure if the avatars were representing your physical appearance or some kind of inner feeling. I suspect you will run into future gender confusion due to choice of avatars.
I just like Scott Pilgrim. I'm gay. Pretty secure as a gay dude though. Not a lady. Ladies are gross.
Comments
You are in the same situation here. Seriously, ask yourself why you think it is a good idea to be with someone when you break up with them. Will it make things easier for them? Will it make things easier for you? Will it be more stress all round?
Let's get our game theory hats on!
By phone:
If she really likes you and will take it badly:
8 points of her upset-ness will be from you breaking up with her.
1 point of her upset-ness will be from you doing it over the phone rather than in person.
1 point of finding someone else to moan to when you hang up.
Her stress = 10 points.
Your stress = 3 points (one for having to make the call, and one for your "pride hit", one for the end of the relationship)
Total stress = 13.
If she also thinks the relationship has come to a natural end:
1 point upset-ess from the breakup.
2 points because you did it over the phone. But in this case, it doesn't really matter because the total upset-ness is only about 30% of the previous case. And you can just put the phone down and not have to deal with any of her upset-ness.
Her stress = 3 points.
Your stress = 3 points again.
Total stress = 6.
In person:
If she really likes you and will take it badly:
8 points of upset-ness for the end of the relationship.
3 points for the surprise breakup, when she thought you were going to visit for a fun date.
For you:
1 point from the breakup itself.
2 points of stress while waiting for a good time to tell her.
5 points for traveling to see her.
5 points for taking all of her upset-ness in person, without having anyone to deflect it to.
3 points trying to get away from her without upsetting her more.
2 points trying to find someone else to comfort her after you leave as this is now your responsibility.
Her stress = 11 points.
Your stress = 18 points.
Total stress = 29 points.
If she also thinks the relationship has come to a natural end:
Her:
1 point from the breakup itself.
1 point for pity ("Well, that's awkward, he's come all this way and now he has to drive all the way home by himself...")
You:
1 point from the breakup itself.
2 points of stress while waiting for a good time to tell her.
5 points for traveling to see her.
1 point for feeling like an idiot ("Well, that was a waste of time, I've come all this way and I could have done it on the phone!")
Her stress = 2 points.
Your stress = 9 points.
Total stress = 11 points.
And we have our result! Man up, call her, and get it over with as soon as possible.
In the next episode of Dating With Game Theory we'll explore the implications of iterating the above game, with a focus on the exciting question: "With how many of your prospective new partners will you new ex-girlfriend talk shit about you?"
See this scene from A Beautiful Mind to see how to effectively apply Game Theory to Dating.
People in relationships often inflate all values to feel over infinite. Some people manage to deflate those values to a more manageable number once past the relationship (perhaps even down to the true quantitative value, assuming one exists), while others (drama fiends) continue to extrapolate the emotional value of the situation.
I will say if you're able to consider ending the relationship without assuming the whole world will fall apart if you do, you are in a much better position to assess a correct decision than others in similar situations.
I'm gay. Pretty secure as a gay dude though.
Not a lady. Ladies are gross.
All the gay dudes like Superboy.
:P
...oh god. I think I turned into a bitch...um...sorry.