I know how you feel. I've never been a people person and i've grown up in a rural area so I'm pretty used to being alone a lot, but the last couple years, I've had these socially awkward blips like you're talking about and I'm sure it's from being alone so much. Don't cut off contact with him, but you just need to limit it. I've been there.
Well, I'm just avoiding him, but not cutting him off. I'm just being as distant as I usually am with others, but with this guy. Besides, it may also help build some convo topics, as ever since we met (back in Otakon '09) and we started talking, we've talked practically every single day.
I don't think I've got a problem with depression, but I do think I'm got a problem with self-loathing.
Earlier today, while trying to compose my thoughts to tell a friend how I'm currently feeling, I fell into a kind of fucked up, "house of mirrors," paranoid loop. I feared that she might think I was being manipulative, and that if I was being manipulative, this is exactly how I'd feel, and so on. It got to the point where I was actually unsure of whether I was trying to manipulate her or not, and I was on the brink of tears for at least an hour. I feel trapped by my own brain.
Luckily, I was only going to email her.
My friend is depressed, and going through some real issues, like relationships and debt. She's already feeling bad that when we spend time together, she can't be as attentive or as loving as she used to be. I used to brush this off and try and be brave for her, but it's getting harder. I wanted to tell her I'm still here for her, but I also wanted to acknowledge that it is hard. I don't want to ignore it, and risk it festering into resentment.
Dude, everyone is manipulative. That's nothing to worry about. The issue is whether you are honest about it or not. Don't be a martyr who only tries to be selfless and never pursues anything for himself. As long as your motives are clear and you're honest about what you are trying to accomplish, the other party has all the info they need to make informed decisions about their own course of action.
One thing is for sure: holding back information to prevent her from reacting is dishonest manipulation.
Telling her how you feel and letting her know your preferences, but also that whatever she chooses to do is allowed, is generally the best course of action in any relationship.
You have a right to say how you feel, and your friend has a right to respond. Once that's out in the open, you can both decide how you want to approach the relationship. Sometimes that means ending the friendship. Sometimes it means a mutual agreement to work on things. Whatever it is, you both have a right to have all the pertinent information without having things withheld to influence your decision.
I have to go with Nuri, there. It's hard, but it's okay to be a bit soft sometimes. Everybody has moments where they're just daft as a brush, and the kinda people who are going to seriously give you shit about it are not the kinds of people worth spending your time on.
Just tell her. It's hard, yeah, but how many things that are really, really worth doing are easy?
I told her about it, we're still friends, and everything's hopefully going to be okay.
I know that withholding information is wrong, I think that's why I reacted like I did; I care for her too much to lie to her, yet I was afraid of the consequences.
The reason I posted this here, and not in the dating thread, is that I feel like this very often. I think it stems from my childhood, my family lies a lot, and I was forced to lie a lot. It's like I'm constantly beating myself up for lies that I haven't told.
I feel like my friends should be sick of me harping on my ex girl by now, but she's still on my mind every night. I don't really have anybody else in my life that understands how low I can get. I was addicted to how unflinchingly miserable I could be around her, when I really needed to be. It's been painful to lose that outlet so suddenly, especially since it throws in sharp relief how much I control myself around everyone else. People don't know how to react when I'm honest about being depressed. Expressing usually just makes me hurt more. I lost my ability to pay for frequent counseling sessions, so I have no idea where to turn right now.
There's something special about having somebody in your life that, out of love and understanding, makes you promise to tell them when you're feeling suicidal.
Nuri, Churbs, I forgot to thank you for the advice. I feel like this is stuff that I should already know, and having it stated by other people really helps.
These antidepressants are great until I take pills that give me insomnia. Then they wear off at 3 AM and I start listening to Skitliv and crying for no apparent reason. I'm three hours from home trying to spend some time with my sister before we're both too busy, but this isn't making it easy.
My advice, having been there? Cut out the Skitliv for a while. Misanthropic depressive black metal always seems like it will help, but it's never helped me.
Günter, if a person's making you feel this miserable, be it with her presence or her absence, then she was never the right person to begin with. Think less about her and more about yourself, because we were not made to suffer 24/7. Have some chocolate, do whatever the hell you like and listen to Chris Daughtry's Over You. Heartbreak's a bitch, but you need to go on.
I don't mean I don't understand how you feel, because I do. I know how hard it is to get over someone who made you feel complete, but I've also come to realize that no person is worth feeling that way for. I may sound harsh, but I really hope you can overcome this and feel better. Besides, counseling doesn't help much. You need bona fide support from friends. And if you need to talk to someone, as corny as it sounds, send me a message. I'll be glad to read what you need to let out.
My advice, having been there? Cut out the Skitliv for a while. Misanthropic depressive black metal always seems like it will help, but it's never helped me.
It makes it easier for me to relax. Small doses are important, of course. I laid off of it when I noticed that I was heading into a full-blown depressive episode.
Günter, if a person's making you feel this miserable, be it with her presence or her absence, then she was never the right person to begin with.
I get that miserable with or without her. The difference is that, without her, this forum is the only place where I feel like I can be honest about it without hurting myself. Not that she was the right person for me anyway; we had irreparable issues, but we understood each other very well. I worked through a serious issue with emotional repression thanks to her. My trouble now is finding similar outlets to avoid falling back into isolation and repression.
Thanks for the offer to talk. I may take you up on that some time.
These antidepressants are great until I take pills that give me insomnia. Then they wear off at 3 AM and I start listening to Skitliv and crying for no apparent reason. I'm three hours from home trying to spend some time with my sister before we're both too busy, but this isn't making it easy.
Skitliv makes me cringe when I'm in a perfectly well-balanced mood. I can't imagine what would happen when I'm depressed.
Try something bleak but aggressive - Cobalt, for example. The aggressive beat gets my blood moving, which helps me feel more generally motivated.
Option 2 is to listen to Altar of Plagues, which is even more bleak and depressing than Skitliv. Maybe you'll come out the other side?
These antidepressants are great until I take pills that give me insomnia. Then they wear off at 3 AM and I start listening to Skitliv and crying for no apparent reason. I'm three hours from home trying to spend some time with my sister before we're both too busy, but this isn't making it easy.
Skitliv makes me cringe when I'm in a perfectly well-balanced mood. I can't imagine what would happen when I'm depressed.
Try something bleak but aggressive - Cobalt, for example. The aggressive beat gets my blood moving, which helps me feel more generally motivated.
Option 2 is to listen to Altar of Plagues, which is even more bleak and depressing than Skitliv. Maybe you'll come out the other side?
Like I said, Skitliv relaxes me when I'm in the right mood. When I'm already staring into a terrifying pit of swirling suicidal misery it's a way of coming to terms with it and simulating empathy. Cobalt is angry panic attack music, good for taking out aggression without hurting anything. It's easy to let it go too far and let the music make matters worse, but I've become good at recognizing which moods call for it and which ones don't.
Argh. The nail-biting has to stop. I have 3 nails that are so far down to the quick they hurt ambiently. My anxiety drugs haven't curbed this nervous habit, so I think I'm gonna try acrylic nails.
I was late for school today because I was busy laying in bed thinking about suicide for half an hour, then I skipped my first class because I was crying the entire 40 minutes it took to get to school. Bleh.
Argh. The nail-biting has to stop. I have 3 nails that are so far down to the quick they hurt ambiently. My anxiety drugs haven't curbed this nervous habit, so I think I'm gonna try acrylic nails.
I do that too. I tend to gnaw relentlessly, sometimes until they bleed. I'm thinking of trying a Bitrex varnish and carrying one of those four-sided buffing pads from Sephora so I have something else to do to my nails when I get nervous.
I've tried maintaining them, carrying around a nail file, polish, etc... it always ends up with one nail snagging, and then I end up biting it to even out the snag, and then suddenly the whole nail is gone. Then My nails are uneven, and I bit the longer ones to get them to match... and it becomes a vicious race to the shortest nails. Oral fixation + anxiety is apparently not working for me.
ETA: My parents tried the bitter and spicy things when they tried to get me to stop sucking my thumb. It never worked. My mouth is persistent.
Which is actually why we usually hate it, because many natural poisons are bitter. Evolution, perhaps. I actually taste-tested Bitrex before I put it on the wood trim to stop Spooky the Bunny from chewing it up. I figured that it was fair if I was going to inflict something on my pet I should know how bad it was. It was BAD. I probably swished my mouth out for a minute before I could swallow again.
You know that thing where you slowly suck someone's fingers in an attempt to be sexy? Yeah, tried that with a lass who was trying to stop biting her nails. The next ten minutes of throwing up were not sexy.
Comments
Maybe we could do a podcast: The Depressed Married Guys who are Probably Getting Divorced Soon Podcast.
Earlier today, while trying to compose my thoughts to tell a friend how I'm currently feeling, I fell into a kind of fucked up, "house of mirrors," paranoid loop. I feared that she might think I was being manipulative, and that if I was being manipulative, this is exactly how I'd feel, and so on. It got to the point where I was actually unsure of whether I was trying to manipulate her or not, and I was on the brink of tears for at least an hour. I feel trapped by my own brain.
Luckily, I was only going to email her.
My friend is depressed, and going through some real issues, like relationships and debt. She's already feeling bad that when we spend time together, she can't be as attentive or as loving as she used to be. I used to brush this off and try and be brave for her, but it's getting harder. I wanted to tell her I'm still here for her, but I also wanted to acknowledge that it is hard. I don't want to ignore it, and risk it festering into resentment.
Is this making any sense to anyone else?
One thing is for sure: holding back information to prevent her from reacting is dishonest manipulation.
Telling her how you feel and letting her know your preferences, but also that whatever she chooses to do is allowed, is generally the best course of action in any relationship.
You have a right to say how you feel, and your friend has a right to respond. Once that's out in the open, you can both decide how you want to approach the relationship. Sometimes that means ending the friendship. Sometimes it means a mutual agreement to work on things. Whatever it is, you both have a right to have all the pertinent information without having things withheld to influence your decision.
Just tell her. It's hard, yeah, but how many things that are really, really worth doing are easy?
I know that withholding information is wrong, I think that's why I reacted like I did; I care for her too much to lie to her, yet I was afraid of the consequences.
The reason I posted this here, and not in the dating thread, is that I feel like this very often. I think it stems from my childhood, my family lies a lot, and I was forced to lie a lot. It's like I'm constantly beating myself up for lies that I haven't told.
There's something special about having somebody in your life that, out of love and understanding, makes you promise to tell them when you're feeling suicidal.
Thank you.
I don't mean I don't understand how you feel, because I do. I know how hard it is to get over someone who made you feel complete, but I've also come to realize that no person is worth feeling that way for. I may sound harsh, but I really hope you can overcome this and feel better. Besides, counseling doesn't help much. You need bona fide support from friends. And if you need to talk to someone, as corny as it sounds, send me a message. I'll be glad to read what you need to let out.
I get that miserable with or without her. The difference is that, without her, this forum is the only place where I feel like I can be honest about it without hurting myself. Not that she was the right person for me anyway; we had irreparable issues, but we understood each other very well. I worked through a serious issue with emotional repression thanks to her. My trouble now is finding similar outlets to avoid falling back into isolation and repression.
Thanks for the offer to talk. I may take you up on that some time.
Try something bleak but aggressive - Cobalt, for example. The aggressive beat gets my blood moving, which helps me feel more generally motivated.
Option 2 is to listen to Altar of Plagues, which is even more bleak and depressing than Skitliv. Maybe you'll come out the other side?
ETA: My parents tried the bitter and spicy things when they tried to get me to stop sucking my thumb. It never worked. My mouth is persistent.
I actually taste-tested Bitrex before I put it on the wood trim to stop Spooky the Bunny from chewing it up. I figured that it was fair if I was going to inflict something on my pet I should know how bad it was.
It was BAD.
I probably swished my mouth out for a minute before I could swallow again.