Churbs, are you still there? My Skype name is "coun5elor". I just now looked at the compu-thingamajiggee again and didn't know you were around.
Sorry, Mr. Rabbi - I've been away from the compu-device for awhile.
Unfortunately not - My power was out until about ten minutes ago, two PM my time, or 0409 UTC. That said, I did add you on my skype, so I'm around for the next one.
So I think its pretty likely that I may not be able to come back to this college next semester. I don't know if I've ever felt so awful except for maybe a death in the family. I don't know how it even got to this point. I want to blame myself for being lazy but this whole semester has been in a fog and I've slept like shit the last few months. I don't know what I'm going to do.
I really do need to talk with at least my mom about it. My problem is that it seems like whenever I've tried to talk with her about anything that was bringing me down, she'd just say like "you're going to the doctor." It just pissed me off that instead of just needing to talk for a few minutes, I must need to go see a psychiatrist or something. I'm not saying I don't need depression medication, but just her reaction to it isn't right to me.
I really do need to talk with at least my mom about it. My problem is that it seems like whenever I've tried to talk with her about anything that was bringing me down, she'd just say like "you're going to the doctor." It just pissed me off that instead of just needing to talk for a few minutes, I must need to go see a psychiatrist or something. I'm not saying I don't need depression medication, but just her reaction to it isn't right to me.
I've gone through the same problem with my mom. Sometimes parents can get so worried about fixing your problems that they lose sight of how important simple empathy can be. You should let her know that you need some moral support that she's not giving you.
Its not even that we aren't close or something like that. I wish my aunt wasn't the way she is. She's bipolar and just a bit crazy and my mom is probably paranoid that I'll end up like her. Right now I think my depression is partially caused by my lack of real consistent sleep combined with stress from college and thinking about my future.
You're probably right. I don't want to go to any doctors or anything just yet but I know talking about it in general can help. I kind of have the suspicion that the reason I like being the one there for people is that they may be feeling the same way I am and by being there for them and giving them advice, I'm really just giving it to myself in a weird way. Or maybe I'm just a nice guy. Who knows?
We're two peas in a pod, and that's why you'd do well getting help, no matter what kind of it is. It's better than just bottling all your stuff up like I do.
Yeah, bottling it up like I do can be really bad. I've found that sometimes just writing the shit down can help. Even if you never read it again, just getting your thoughts in order can be a good release. Its not as good as having a close friend or counselor to talk to but it can still help.
Thanks, I appreciate it. I've been doing some research and I'm almost positive that I have Non-24-hour sleep-wake syndrome. Basically my sleep cycle is different than everyone else's and it fucks everything up. Pretty much all of the symptoms I've had are caused by this. I feel a lot better now that I'm getting more sleep. Hopefully by trying to get a better sleep schedule and taking some melatonin supplements I can get this under control. Sleep deprivation is a bitch, I tell ya.
Depression and anxiety are an awful combo. I would not have anybody work on dealing with those by themselves. Getting help---working with a mental health professional---is vital. I've been on both extremes, from "no help" to working with an MD on antidepressants and talking a counselor, and having professional help is far better.
I also have found that friends and relatives may not be the best source for much beyond empathy. A professional, be they a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist, has a level of detachment that I have found most useful in working things out. Friends and relatives are good to lean on, but counseling session seem to be the place I actually get work done on feeling better.
In addition to working with a professional, I have been having some success feeling better through exercise (I started jogging, but anything that taxes the cardiovascular system a few times a week) and not cheating myself of sleep. There is no bad situation or depressive episode that will not be worse when faced in a sleep-deprived state (that goes N-fold substituting "drunk" or "high" for "sleep deprived"). Sleep aids have helped me a lot: taking Ambien when needed and in consultation with a doctor helps me.
I have had depression and anxiety with me most of my life: sort of a low-grade blue feeling coupled with dread, punctuated by more pronounced depressive dips. The latest started this spring when my wife of 17 years and I began the process that has resulted in separation this fall and will end in divorce in 2012. It sucks, but the silver lining has been that it has spurred me into working on my psyche like never before, and I have been able to sustain treatment, both with doctors/counselors and with things like an exercise program. For once, I can imagine that it will get better.
For the past two weeks, I've been in a splendid mood. I ended the first semester really well, had a great time in Dublin and Paris, and then saw my family in London for a week. It was fantastic, and I was never angry or depressed. Once they left, though, the depression and homesickness became almost unbearable. Now I'm in Amsterdam, on the third consecutive day of the shittiest weather I've seen in months, eagerly awaiting my flight home tomorrow night just so I can get back to Newcastle, cry, and talk to my family on Skype.
I'm honestly not even sure how I'm still functioning.
As weird as it sounds, and as much as I hate recommending drugs/herbal crap, you might actually want to try a little bit of kratom. I don't mean take it daily or in any real large amount but taking it once in a while it seems to help. I don't suggest taking it instead of real medication or anything but taking a little bit of it can really lift your spirits without having any intoxicating effects. I DON'T mean get high and forget your troubles. I just mean taking a little bit, maybe a teaspoon full, on a particularly hard day. Since it does work on the opiod receptors it is possible to become addicted but its pretty mild so as long as its not a constant thing there isn't much risk. Just an idea. I am by no means an expert.
The other night I tried to relax in a similar fashion, and got met with a bit of a buzzkill when I realized the cool old Brit expat I was talking to was just hanging around to sponge off of me. Later whilst lying in bed, having severely underestimated the strength of Amsterdam's...coffee, I first hallucinated that I had given him all of my money and bank cards, and then hallucinated that I had shared my SSN with him. Neither of those events happened, but the extreme anxiety caused by those vivid images coupled with my depression has taken two days to begin dissipating.
I respect the suggestion, and Kratom sounds fun, but I am definitely not in the environment to medicate like that. I really just need a familiar bed and some friendly faces right now.
The other night I tried to relax in a similar fashion, and got met with a bit of a buzzkill when I realized the cool old Brit expat I was talking to was just hanging around to sponge off of me. Later whilst lying in bed, having severely underestimated the strength of Amsterdam's...coffee, I first hallucinated that I had given him all of my money and bank cards, and then hallucinated that I had shared my SSN with him. Neither of those events happened, but the extreme anxiety caused by those vivid images coupled with my depression has taken two days to begin dissipating
I have moments like that, where the fear/fantasy takes mental control for one to two hours. Whenever I was in a rush to a D&D Game with my brother's friends, I feared I would leave the stove or oven on and the apartment (And Office...) would burn down and ruin everything. Which I know it's one thing to have think that, but it happens to me 50% of the time. I just go. "Well, if it DID burn down, we would of heard by now..." Not ever fun.
Yeah, I'm an extremely anxietous person to begin with, which means I won't be able to fully unwind and separate the reality from fantasy until I'm in safe and familiar surroundings. When I get back to London, I'll be able to call my folks to relieve the homesickness, contact some mates and relax, which is odd considering that flight will theoretically mark the end of my vacation.
I'm very frustrated with this week. My work doesn't start again until the 9th. But everybody else seems to be on their normal routines again.
I've tried calling and texting people, I've sent facebook messages for social contact but the people I care about have not responded to even say that they aren't available.
My free days are really valuable to me but I can't think of anything that I can do with them when I'm alone. I'm being so wasteful!
I'm like a different person when I'm not with people. Then when I am with people it's like I've never had any problems at all. And it's genuine, I am happy, I am secure and competent. I tell my friend that I'm deeply unhappy when I'm alone but I think that it creates a bad dynamic between us as it mean that they should feel guilty for not seeing me.
I need to learn to appreciate my own positive aspects. They exist and are plentiful but they are far too easy to forget when my mood changes.
I started reading Steppenwolf. I mention that as I believe it was a book club book a few years ago. I'm on the preface but I'm spookily identifying with both the Steppenwolf and the narrator (who I'm pretty sure judges the Steppenwolf based on his own insecurities). It's like the book is reading me. ...
I'm currently having trouble talking with a friend. Not when it comes to communication, but somehow, when he spots me online and says hi... It hurts. It's a warning sign for me, as it means I'm starting to have a crush on him, and given my recent history of issues with that, it just won't happen. I know it's weird, but to me, the "feeling of being in love with someone" hurts worse than a gallbladder removal surgery. So I've started avoiding him, and I'm not sure what to tell him if he starts asking what's the problem. I'm not going to tell him this kind of thing because it'll surely scare him away (I know for certain that he's not interested in me, but in 2D girls), so I'm thinking about just saying nothing.
Why is it that I cling too much to people, when I don't want to do so?!
I know it's weird, but to me, the "feeling of being in love with someone" hurts worse than a gallbladder removal surgery.
This isn't that weird. It's a common defense mechanism among people who've been romantically burned one too many times. I go through the same thing.
Why is it that I cling too much to people, when I don't want to do so?!
Because despite associating feelings of fear, guilt, pain, anger, worthlessness, or whatever else with love you're still capable of falling for people? It might not be something to be particularly happy about, but at least that need for emotional intimacy hasn't been beaten out of you. I'd be more worried if you didn't cling to people.
Well, that's why it's not normal for me. I'm often emotionally distant from others due to years of only relying on myself and just being considered "the eternal good friend." So clinging to someone isn't something I do. Pretty much the opposite.
Anyways, I'm just avoiding the guy in question for now, and if he asks, I'll just say I'm busy. The only way I can get rid of this nasty feeling is by keeping more than just physical distance from him (he lives in PA, I live in South America).
Comments
My Skype name is "coun5elor" if anyone is going to be available.
Sorry, Mr. Rabbi - I've been away from the compu-device for awhile.
I also have found that friends and relatives may not be the best source for much beyond empathy. A professional, be they a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist, has a level of detachment that I have found most useful in working things out. Friends and relatives are good to lean on, but counseling session seem to be the place I actually get work done on feeling better.
In addition to working with a professional, I have been having some success feeling better through exercise (I started jogging, but anything that taxes the cardiovascular system a few times a week) and not cheating myself of sleep. There is no bad situation or depressive episode that will not be worse when faced in a sleep-deprived state (that goes N-fold substituting "drunk" or "high" for "sleep deprived"). Sleep aids have helped me a lot: taking Ambien when needed and in consultation with a doctor helps me.
I have had depression and anxiety with me most of my life: sort of a low-grade blue feeling coupled with dread, punctuated by more pronounced depressive dips. The latest started this spring when my wife of 17 years and I began the process that has resulted in separation this fall and will end in divorce in 2012. It sucks, but the silver lining has been that it has spurred me into working on my psyche like never before, and I have been able to sustain treatment, both with doctors/counselors and with things like an exercise program. For once, I can imagine that it will get better.
Never ever feel bad about getting help.
I'm honestly not even sure how I'm still functioning.
I respect the suggestion, and Kratom sounds fun, but I am definitely not in the environment to medicate like that. I really just need a familiar bed and some friendly faces right now.
I have moments like that, where the fear/fantasy takes mental control for one to two hours. Whenever I was in a rush to a D&D Game with my brother's friends, I feared I would leave the stove or oven on and the apartment (And Office...) would burn down and ruin everything. Which I know it's one thing to have think that, but it happens to me 50% of the time. I just go. "Well, if it DID burn down, we would of heard by now..." Not ever fun.
It's been a weird and difficult few days.
I've tried calling and texting people, I've sent facebook messages for social contact but the people I care about have not responded to even say that they aren't available.
My free days are really valuable to me but I can't think of anything that I can do with them when I'm alone. I'm being so wasteful!
I'm like a different person when I'm not with people. Then when I am with people it's like I've never had any problems at all. And it's genuine, I am happy, I am secure and competent. I tell my friend that I'm deeply unhappy when I'm alone but I think that it creates a bad dynamic between us as it mean that they should feel guilty for not seeing me.
I need to learn to appreciate my own positive aspects. They exist and are plentiful but they are far too easy to forget when my mood changes.
I started reading Steppenwolf. I mention that as I believe it was a book club book a few years ago. I'm on the preface but I'm spookily identifying with both the Steppenwolf and the narrator (who I'm pretty sure judges the Steppenwolf based on his own insecurities). It's like the book is reading me.
Why is it that I cling too much to people, when I don't want to do so?!
Anyways, I'm just avoiding the guy in question for now, and if he asks, I'll just say I'm busy. The only way I can get rid of this nasty feeling is by keeping more than just physical distance from him (he lives in PA, I live in South America).
Thanks for reading me out, Günter.