I'm feeling pretty useless now that I graduated. Empty too, given that I barely talk to anyone now. Also, no inspiration to talk about. Haven't drawn in weeks, nor written anything.
I've effed up my life big time. And I don't know what to do now.
I'm feeling pretty useless now that I graduated. Empty too, given that I barely talk to anyone now. Also, no inspiration to talk about. Haven't drawn in weeks, nor written anything.
I've effed up my life big time. And I don't know what to do now.
Chin up, kiddo. You're working on a PhD, which is more than the vast majority of people can say and is certain not "eff[ing] up" your life. Be proud of that. Also, I feel you on the "no inspiration" thing; I just can't draw period when I'm like that (as a result, no drawn output in at least a few weeks), and all my writing is incredibly depressive. Is there anyone you can talk to, even if you don't feel like making the call? It'd probably do some good. Also, don't be afraid to see a professional if you can. I really wish I had before I made my trip abroad.
My status update is that I've had two meals in as many days, and I slept from 4am till 3pm. The sun sets around 3:30pm here, and I have a suspicion that that is really aggravating all of my symptoms. Additionally, I have an essay to write by Friday (1750 words), and a timed essay on Friday that I need to prepare for. I also need to be up at 9:30am tomorrow, but I will probably end up staying up till an insane hour and then going to my observership sleep-deprived.
I'm working on things, though. I'm about to go get a meal (it won't taste like anything, but that's better than the sleep pattern I'm locked into by not eating), as well as buy a travel guide for winter break.
I hate the winter so much. I'm moving to California the day after I graduate, I swear to Sagan.
Seasonal depression is a common ailment -- the combination of being cooped up indoors, reduced daylight, and everything else can be rough on anyone, let alone someone who already has depression.
When you are really down and thinking about suicide, what keeps you from doing it?
When I'm depressed, my mind tries to convince me I'm useless, will never be anything else, will never mean anything to anyone, will never affect anyone's lives for the better, I'm just a burden on the people I care about, that sort of thing. It's difficult to get something like that out of your mind once someone you care about directly tells you that. In my case, my mother.
When the worst of it hit me, what stopped me was when I sat down to think of who I'd want certain things left to. That, and if I did die, not wanting any of my friends to actually find me, ever. Thinking about that made me realize that anyone that would get a material thing out of that would be hurt by me not being there, even if I'm NOT perfect. I also came to the conclusion that, if I really were so horrible and so unable to make positive impacts on people, what about, for instance, Thumper? I gave him a year and a half he would not have been able to have without me, and in that time I saved his life from intermittent sickness to keep him going for someone I care about. If I could do that, I couldn't be all bad or all useless. Even when things were tough for us as friends, I never gave up on Thumper... even though a lot of people told me I should just get rid of him. I found a lot of strength that way.
It was always easier for me to rationalize the life impact on an animal than a human. But since then, I've had enough people tell me I'm too hard on myself and that they do care, even if I can't always see it. If I can stay over for days on end on little to no notice and have people stay up late to let me cry on them, tell me it's okay to be upset and to never think of myself as a burden, obviously people really and truly care. Getting in the crash made me realize that I only really get this one chance and so many people are glad I'm alive that it's stupid to waste that. I don't think I could ever actually seriously consider suicide again after this.
You're working on a PhD, which is more than the vast majority of people can say and is certain not "eff[ing] up" your life.
I'm not working on a PhD, or a grad course. I just finished college. I've been to psychologists and psychoanalists most of my life. All I have left would be seeing a shrink.
You're working on a PhD, which is more than the vast majority of people can say and is certain not "eff[ing] up" your life.
I'm not working on a PhD, or a grad course. I just finished college. I've been to psychologists and psychoanalists most of my life. All I have left would be seeing a shrink.
I misunderstood the purpose of your thesis defense, then. Still, graduating college opens all sorts of doors. You can do more or less whatever you want now; a degree will go miles in helping you. Also, don't be afraid to see a psychiatrist; if you're in a state where no one that doesn't prescribe medication has helped, you should consider the alternative.
I hate the winter so much. I'm moving to California the day after I graduate, I swear to Sagan.
Join usssssss
Claremont would be an awesome place to do postgrad work, regardless of what I decide to do...
Claremont is right now the road from where I go to school currently. Not that I will likely still be there by the time you finish your undergrad, but still.
Depression sucks. I went through it. I'd stay up till 4 Am and wouldn't wake up till 4PM, and it'd be a struggle to get out of bed even then. I'd come home from looking for a job and just lay down in bed and cry. Antidepressants allowed me to focus enough to get a job, and hold it, and from there I made my long recovery. A year later and I decided I wasn't going to rely on pills, so I stopped taking them (no I didn't even consult with my primary care doctor) and I feel much better now, though I may still have a little depression. I've got my life turned around mostly, though.
Count me as a maybe; I need to be up really early tomorrow (the chat would start at 1am for me), and I need to work on an essay and study for all or most of the night. Then again, if insomnia kicks in, I'll ring one of you guys to join up.
When you are really down and thinking about suicide, what keeps you from doing it?
I think of my mom and the other people that love me. I'd have to get to a very deep, dark place to be fooled into thinking that their lives would actually be better with the trauma of my suicide. My mother would be devastated, and she would never recover, ever. Her happiness is one of the most important things in the world to me, and I feel sick at the thought of destroying it forever like that.
It's also becoming clear to me recently that I need therapy again. But with the income-less life I've currently got going, searching for one is kind of difficult. I've begun researching psychologists who work on a sliding scale, but I don't know the best resources to use in that search.
I know I failed at least one class and probably did bad in the others. I don't know whats wrong with me but I just feel like I'm fucking my life up. I don't know how I'm going to tell my mom, let alone my dad. Its like this whole semester my brain has been in a fog. I wish it was from partying or something fun but I've barely even really drank more than a handful of times. Honestly I don't even know why I'm going to college. I've realized I hate computer science and I can't think of any career I'd ever want. I know this is more just bitching than depression but I just need to rant and I can assure you that I'm fucking depressed.
Are you going to be able to chat with us, Mr. Rabbi?
I remember feeling exactly the same feelings you describe when I was in undergrad. We can talk about it. In fact, does anyone want to start around 5 or 6 EST instead of 7?
Bird, I'm looking at you - would those earlier times help?
I'll try but I'm not sure if I'll have time, or if I'll be able to find a private place to chat.
Well, maybe we could talk alone sometime, because I felt exactly the same way in undergrad. There were a couple of semesters during which I didn't speak to anyone when it wasn't absolutely necessary, and didn't have the energy or motivation to stay awake later than 9:00 p.m. on most weeknights. During one of those semesters, the highlight of my day was watching The Honeymooners and the highlight of my week was watching Growing Pains. I actually looked forward to that dreck - that's how bad it was.
Are you going to be able to chat with us, Mr. Rabbi?
I remember feeling exactly the same feelings you describe when I was in undergrad. We can talk about it. In fact, does anyone want to start around 5 or 6 EST instead of 7?
Bird, I'm looking at you - would those earlier times help?
Can't do it, man. I overslept trying to repay my sleep debt (I got three hours of sleep last night and just took a five hour nap), and now I'm on a time crunch. Sorry; I really, really want to be there, but circumstances are not permitting it.
Can't do it, man. I overslept trying to repay my sleep debt (I got three hours of sleep last night and just took a five hour nap), and now I'm on a time crunch.
Isn't there no such thing as sleep debt? I always thought it was about how much contiguous sleep you got to maximized REM cycles.
Can't do it, man. I overslept trying to repay my sleep debt (I got three hours of sleep last night and just took a five hour nap), and now I'm on a time crunch.
Isn't there no such thing as sleep debt? I always thought it was about how much contiguous sleep you got to maximized REM cycles.
Yeah, that's true; I just meant that in the context of my body basically saying "If you don't give me the sleep I am owed for keeping your heart beating, I will break your kneecaps and your ribs and let you die with a punctured lung in a culvert."
Seriously, I was a zombie earlier today by 1pm, and a few weeks ago I was seeing shadowy cats in my peripherals after getting 15hrs of sleep over three days. I'm starting to flip back towards a normal pattern, but the weird daylight hours here have fucked me completely as far as normal cycling goes.
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I've effed up my life big time. And I don't know what to do now.
My status update is that I've had two meals in as many days, and I slept from 4am till 3pm. The sun sets around 3:30pm here, and I have a suspicion that that is really aggravating all of my symptoms. Additionally, I have an essay to write by Friday (1750 words), and a timed essay on Friday that I need to prepare for. I also need to be up at 9:30am tomorrow, but I will probably end up staying up till an insane hour and then going to my observership sleep-deprived.
I'm working on things, though. I'm about to go get a meal (it won't taste like anything, but that's better than the sleep pattern I'm locked into by not eating), as well as buy a travel guide for winter break.
I hate the winter so much. I'm moving to California the day after I graduate, I swear to Sagan.
When the worst of it hit me, what stopped me was when I sat down to think of who I'd want certain things left to. That, and if I did die, not wanting any of my friends to actually find me, ever. Thinking about that made me realize that anyone that would get a material thing out of that would be hurt by me not being there, even if I'm NOT perfect. I also came to the conclusion that, if I really were so horrible and so unable to make positive impacts on people, what about, for instance, Thumper? I gave him a year and a half he would not have been able to have without me, and in that time I saved his life from intermittent sickness to keep him going for someone I care about. If I could do that, I couldn't be all bad or all useless. Even when things were tough for us as friends, I never gave up on Thumper... even though a lot of people told me I should just get rid of him. I found a lot of strength that way.
It was always easier for me to rationalize the life impact on an animal than a human. But since then, I've had enough people tell me I'm too hard on myself and that they do care, even if I can't always see it. If I can stay over for days on end on little to no notice and have people stay up late to let me cry on them, tell me it's okay to be upset and to never think of myself as a burden, obviously people really and truly care. Getting in the crash made me realize that I only really get this one chance and so many people are glad I'm alive that it's stupid to waste that. I don't think I could ever actually seriously consider suicide again after this.
The mother said she'd help me pay for them but given how the family is right now, I don't have the heart to ask.
How I can sleep so much and still feel tired is beyond me.
Who has plans on being available?
It's also becoming clear to me recently that I need therapy again. But with the income-less life I've currently got going, searching for one is kind of difficult. I've begun researching psychologists who work on a sliding scale, but I don't know the best resources to use in that search.
I remember feeling exactly the same feelings you describe when I was in undergrad. We can talk about it. In fact, does anyone want to start around 5 or 6 EST instead of 7?
Bird, I'm looking at you - would those earlier times help?
Seriously, I was a zombie earlier today by 1pm, and a few weeks ago I was seeing shadowy cats in my peripherals after getting 15hrs of sleep over three days. I'm starting to flip back towards a normal pattern, but the weird daylight hours here have fucked me completely as far as normal cycling goes.