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GeekNights Tuesday - Why Nobody can Find a Gaming Group
Tonight on GeekNights, we consider why the question of "how to find a gaming group" is so ubiquitous in every corner of the Internet. While it might seem cruel, and perhaps even mean, we posit that perhaps the majority of those actively seeking are some combination of:
- Not in a city
- Unable to find off-the-RADAR gamers
- Are "that guy"
We're presenting Practical Game Theory and Mastering Game Mechanics at PAX East 2013! ConnectiCon is still accepting panel submissions! The GeekNights Gaming Grande Prix is underway!
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Seriously, from the time I was a high school freshman, finding players was never the issue. It was finding a GM or the actual game that was tough.
1) What are you trying to do?
2) What is everyone else trying to do?
It's not just that "that guy" can ruin a local game group, he can actively prevent one from forming. Specifically, I recall an effort on BGG to start a Facebook group for North Jersey pickup gaming. This struck me as odd because North Jersey is already grouped the fuck up. Why not use existing channels? The group got around 20 members in the first few days, surely enough to start getting people together, right? Nope! Mr. Creepster comes in an starts writing DAILY posts asking people to come play with him. Nobody ever reaches out publicly via the group b/c they are afraid the over-eager creepster will immediately latch onto their post. Group dissolves without ever meeting in the first place.
When I decided to expand beyond my circle of friends about 3 years ago, I was making trips up to NerdNYC b/c it was the most public and visible example of a group with a low "that guy" rate, even though it was a bit far for me. Since then, I've found the layer of local groups that exist just below public advertisement.
There are tons of North Jersey meetups and several hotel cons, all of which are flooded with undesirable characters. However, by going to a few of them and connecting with the normal gamers, I got invited to a series of regular private events. So these public meetups and cons basically serve as a filter, where those who run good private events can pull new blood in at their choosing.
I also have a really good weekly Wed night group that has it's own interesting dynamic. The only acknowledgment that this group exists is a 6-year-old BGG thread in the Northeast forum. Unless you are really searching for NJ group threads, you'll never find it. I don't know how they've been so lucky, but they are "that guy"-free, even with 2 or 3 walk-ins from this random forum thread each year. That's how I found them. The group has about 16 people and they regularly get 10 to show each Wed, it's a little slice of gaming heaven. I just wish I could make it every week!
I was probably "that guy" in high school, but in my defense I got that way through merciless and ever-present bullying from age 6 on up, by almost every other student in the school, literally. Like, in most schools, I think the kid-who-gets-picked-on rotates a bit. Not in our school. I was like an anti-mascot or something.
But how do you fix "that guy"? Fuck if I know.
http://www.toyarchive.com/Megaforce/Series1.html
But in this case, the particular "that guy" is the "that guy" who self-invites to events where he is guaranteed to be "that guy" to those people. This "that guy" is desperate, and is the primary reason established gaming groups don't publicly solicit more people even when they need them.
Established gaming groups are basically just friend groups. They grow organically.
"That guy" requires structure. He needs to "form a group" to play games. He's on active SONAR desperately pinging for other gamers, while surrounded by silent subs doing their damnedest to not be seen by him.
Nothing is more terrifying than "that guy" with a firing solution on your game.
Being way too hyper, energetic, excited, etc. Chill the fuck out. It's super awkward and embarrassing for the people around you if you start shouting out random pop culture catch phrases and such. People who aren't that guy are chill and easy going.
Perhaps because that guy is that guy, they will come pre-prepared with physical objects of social currency or topics to discuss. Maybe it's a swag they got in the dealer's room, or maybe it's a deck of Chez Geek cards they really want to play. When that guy attaches themselves to your group, they will keep trying to steer the conversation towards their pre-prepared topics. When nobody is paying attention to them, they will attempt to use their social currency swag.
Someone who is not that guy has valuable things to contribute to most conversations. When they don't have anything to contribute, they calmly listen to what the other people are saying, and perhaps even ask questions. That guy rarely asks questions. That guy doesn't listen to others since they are so focused on figuring out how to get attention on themselves and get the conversation onto the topic they have prepared. Chill people don't need to prepare. They can go with any flow. The thing they have prepared is usually something they think will really impress other people, but they often don't give a fuck.
The last thing that guy does is follow someone around who they just met. This person you just met has only known you for a minute or two because of polite greetings in a hallway. It is extremely awkward and weird for you to follow them around and spend as much time with them as the people that they are extremely close with.
The close friends I have made at conventions were people who we grew close with over the course of years. Take a lesson from the master of friend making, Chase Gordon. We met him at a PAX concert for a few minutes. We did not see him again until the next year for the same few minutes. He didn't follow us or try to attach himself. He gradually and spontaneously kept appearing and being cool for a few minutes at a time over a very long period of time. If he had followed us out of the PAX concert and constantly tried to meet up with us the entire next day, we would not be talking about him.
And that brings us to the final thing "that guy" does. Tying all of the above together, that guy reeks of effort. They are actively and obviously trying to belong. They are clearly thinking about how they can be your friend. It's not a bad thing to want, but it's self defeating. Belonging is something you can only achieve by not trying. Putting any thought or effort into it, even consciously desiring it, will result in you behaving in such a way that is counter to that very goal. The only people who can achieve this with effort are known as con artists.
I actually get along fine with most of the people that I'm qualifying as "that guy". At the core of it I'm just as peculiar as most of these cases, I just mitigate it and manage it to a sufficient degree. I'm just not particularly differentiating about people. I like just about everyone most of the time. I can usually relate to the most socially awkward of people fairly well, because I'm an outsider 99% of the time.
That said, my current RPG group as opposed to my wider gaming circle has become a bit homogenous lately. Everyone has a different doctorate and is in a committed relationship or married, with the exception of me as DM. I kinda miss having the one or two wild-card players that created some chaos simply by wanting different things out of the game, though this group is definitely "easier" to run with and more consistent.
When I decided I needed to go out and meet more gamers, it was because I didn't want to be "that guy" and push all of my friends into playing heavier games they weren't up for, or always wanting to play board games when we got together. I was probably over-eager a bit then too, but everything Scott said is 100% correct. Relax. Chill out, and just have a good time.
I will otherwise agree with what Rym says; outside of a few stereotypical stories, That Guyness is relative. Someone who wants to do an erotically charged My Little Pony game in a group of people who want to play Exalted would be a That Guy; in the same way, someone who wants to play a prudish ranger in an erotically charged My Little Pony game is just as much That Guy.
In terms of reformation, I think they can be reformed, if caught early. There's a young gentleman in my Marvel game on Mondays who is a proto-That Guy: he's playing Deadpool, jokes about how "random" and "funny" he is, and wants to be the star of the show no matter what's happening. By catching him early (this is is first game ever) I'm able to steer him toward the light (I hope). I think there really is an event horizon, though; there's a point past which there is no redemption for That Guy. He's either determined not to change, or has become so set in his ways that it's nearly impossible.