Scuse me Colby, I had you mixed up with someone else.
A girl who lives across the city from me messaged me saying she likes the way I look (My response to which was basically "Really? Thanks.".) and we've been talking for a week or so. While she likes me and I'm warming to her, my life is still pretty badly messed up (It's improved a lot, but there's still a chance of relapse.) and I don't yet have a steady job.
While there're people in here who are against friend-zoning, having a girlfriend is quite a responsibility and I'd rather make her wait than increase the risk of a relapse and becoming a shitty boyfriend.
While there're people in here who are against friend-zoning, having a girlfriend is quite a responsibility and I'd rather make her wait than increase the risk of a relapse and becoming a shitty boyfriend.
The fact that you already think of it that way means you're rather more of a good boyfriend than many people.
While there're people in here who are against friend-zoning, having a girlfriend is quite a responsibility and I'd rather make her wait than increase the risk of a relapse and becoming a shitty boyfriend.
You always want to glass case people :-p You just don't want to glass case yourself :-p
Royal "You". I'm saying, it's always nice to know you have a few people you'd be interested in a relationship with and would be interested in one with you if your current relationship didn't work out. But "you" don't want to be the person being slightly lead on while someone else decides if their current relationship is good enough for them.
Haha, my bad. I do tend to take things more seriously than they were intended, especially math related things. I think the reason I'm actaully reluctant to do it by phone or skype is the feeling of being an asshole that I would get. Outside of the internet, I hate feeling like an asshole, and the weight that I assign to that is causing me to prefer a face-to-face breakup as opposed to an electronic one.
I feel the same way about both. If you are able to obtain a significant other that doesn't suck, and you don't suck. get one. I want to live vicariously through the human race's other romances.
I honestly sometimes forget that I may flirt even though I don't think I am nor do I have those intentions. Girls who are in relationships can want guy friends or stimulating conversations with guy friends as well!
Girls who are in relationships can want guy friends or stimulating conversations with guy friends as well!
Well, yeah, of course. I have a lot of flirty female friends with significant others, and more often than not flirting doesn't really imply much. It's possible that I'm misinterpreting it because I really like this one, but it feels different.
Last two girls that showed any interest in me at all were in long term relationships.
I think people in relationships, especially when they don't want to be in those relationships, really have nothing to lose on this front. If they cheat and the partner finds out, it is an easy way out of the relationship. If they cheat and the partner doesn't find out, cake and eating. The problem is for the sucker in the crosshairs. I'm smart enough not to be an enabler, but it still sucks when the only people showing any interest are already involved.
I will say that in both cases, the knowledge of long term relationships was well established before interest was expressed to me. So that's better than getting hopes up and having them dashed.
I have the opposite problem; I had, in various occasions, confused flirting with general friendly discussion, often to the point of annoying the flirt.
Ok so a few months ago I posted in another thread about how I thought a female engaged friend of mine might have feelings for me or something of that nature. Nothing has happened but now I really don't thing its the "Nerd fallen for female friend" syndrome. The other day, out of the blue, my friend Dana randomly texted me asking if I'm trying to break up _____ and ______. I told her no and she said that wasn't the response she was looking for. She goes on to tell me that she things _____ might have feelings for me, and that ______'s fiance is abusing her. I didn't see the bruises she mentioned but I haven't really hung out with _____ a lot lately so its no surprise, and she has seemed down and timid lately. Plus lately shes been really affectionate to me and kind of opened up about the problems but nothing specific. I don't know what to do. I've known her fiance longer than her but knowing the family he comes from and their history around these parts I wouldn't put it past him. Right now I'm just trying to talk to her and help but I don't know what I can do.
Unfortunately, the best you can do is listen. If you provide too much advice without knowing the full situation (which can never be learned from only one party in the relationship), you might find yourself regretting suggestions you make once you learn the full truth.
If the situation is as it seems, it really has to be the victim that learns to get out of the situation. Being "rescued" will only be a temporary solution; often times relationship victims choose that path and must personal value as a human being before a healthy relationship pattern can be followed. Victims of abuse really need to understand and realize their worth, and some cannot be convinced of it. Sucks but ... yeah.
Definitely don't make any moves until she is truly available. Even then, it sounds like you know the guy, and he might have some trend for violence. Tread carefully.
That really what I've been trying to do is just be there for her. I haven't really said anything too specific to her. I'm not in the relationship, so I don't want to tell her to straight up break up because I know wouldn't help either way.
I'm not planning any moves or anything. I'm not really after her. I care about her and there might be feelings there but right now I just want to keep her from being in an abusive relationship the rest of her life. Her fiance doesn't seem like a violent guy, but his family is pretty white trash historically so it might run in the family. And just because he isn't violent outside doesn't mean he isn't in closed doors. While I haven't seen bruises just the fact that shes seemed so upset lately and seems kind of down whenever hes mentioned makes me think it might be true. I guess I'll just keep talking to her and hope for the best.
I was in a similar situation last year, which I kind of mentioned on this thread. One of my friends is engaged to another one of my good friends who I've known for a much longer time, but she's always had a thing for me, ever since we first met. There's never been any abuse in their relationship, but from the way she's talked to me, I get the feeling like she's not really satisfied with what she has (hence, her sexual desires for me). I just mention this because I also felt like I should step in and tell her to break it off since she could do better, and for a while I also believed that she would hook up with me instead.
In hindsight, I realize that a relationship between the two of us would've been bad since she has issues that I don't really want to deal with. Yeah, as a sexual partner, she would've been great (and as I also mentioned on this thread, we had some steps in that direction), but as a boy/girlfriend thing, it would've been terrible.
Like Bryan said, the best thing you can do is just wait and see. And honestly, even if she does end up ditching the (potentially) abusive guy for you, make sure you know what you're getting into. Whether the relationship is abusive or not, even if you think that it's a bad situation, that's not your choice to make. But at the same time, if you really do think that something has changed about her, point it out. Don't hit her over the head with it, but just mention it during conversation. If she pushes it off, let it go. But then do it again the next time you see her if it continues, or even gets worse.
Basically, you don't want to just be a safe haven for her. You need to make it clear that you're not ignorant to the problem. Acknowledge that you think there is a problem, just don't force it out of her.
EDIT: To be fair, I'm not the best person to give advice in this area, plus I'm kinda drunk, so take that as you will. I'm sure others who have been in more similar situations can give better advice than me.
OKCupid is owned by the company that owns Match.com, and in news articles, it always says "Match.com acquired OKCupid" rather than the parent company.
Apparently this happened back in Feb.
I'm not sure I can recommend OKC any longer. I stopped using it largely because it didn't help my situation (I'm hopeless), but I would have definitely stopped using it back in February if I had heard. Seems like bad mojo to me.
I'm not sure I can explain it better than any of the posts regarding Match.com buying OKC could explain it.
EDIT: OH! With one exception: I loved that OKC was started by math nerds from Harvard. When you were on the site, you knew these were some nerdy guys running it. The site has progressively "cleaned up" over time (prior to purchase), and seems to be less obviously started by math geeks (more mainstream). It seems like the match.com purchase only further legitimizes and monetizes their approach, which goes from math geek to business chic.
I'm not sure I can explain it better than any of the posts regarding Match.com buying OKC could explain it.
EDIT: OH! With one exception: I loved that OKC was started by math nerds from Harvard. When you were on the site, you knew these were some nerdy guys running it. The site has progressively "cleaned up" over time (prior to purchase), and seems to be less obviously started by math geeks (more mainstream). It seems like the match.com purchase only further legitimizes and monetizes their approach, which goes from math geek to business chic.
If your relationships and dating are so tied up in a single online dating site that another company acquiring it is big bad news, I think you need to get out more. Really.
I mean, if all you are looking for is some casual fun, it shouldn't matter at all. If Ok Cupid no linger fits that niche, another product will come along. If you are using it to find love, then you should know that such a service isn't there to do that. They don't work on commission, where you pay a fee on the first anniversary of your serious relationship. That would be a complete failure business wise. They want eyeballs looking at ads. Or they want monthly subscription fees. Either way it is purely business.
I read the first article on your google link, and all I could see was "Whaaaaaaaa!"
Comments
Just a happy little *grumblegrumblegrumble*
A girl who lives across the city from me messaged me saying she likes the way I look (My response to which was basically "Really? Thanks.".) and we've been talking for a week or so. While she likes me and I'm warming to her, my life is still pretty badly messed up (It's improved a lot, but there's still a chance of relapse.) and I don't yet have a steady job.
While there're people in here who are against friend-zoning, having a girlfriend is quite a responsibility and I'd rather make her wait than increase the risk of a relapse and becoming a shitty boyfriend.
I want to live vicariously through the human race's other romances.
"So there's this girl that flirts with me constantly, right? And she's really awesome! Loves philosophy, very fun, very cute."
"She's also 24."
"Oh. That's fine, I think we're both-"
"She also has a kid."
"Huh. OK, that could be weird bu-"
"Also, she's engaged."
"Fuck, man."
I honestly sometimes forget that I may flirt even though I don't think I am nor do I have those intentions. Girls who are in relationships can want guy friends or stimulating conversations with guy friends as well!
I think people in relationships, especially when they don't want to be in those relationships, really have nothing to lose on this front. If they cheat and the partner finds out, it is an easy way out of the relationship. If they cheat and the partner doesn't find out, cake and eating. The problem is for the sucker in the crosshairs. I'm smart enough not to be an enabler, but it still sucks when the only people showing any interest are already involved.
I will say that in both cases, the knowledge of long term relationships was well established before interest was expressed to me. So that's better than getting hopes up and having them dashed.
If the situation is as it seems, it really has to be the victim that learns to get out of the situation. Being "rescued" will only be a temporary solution; often times relationship victims choose that path and must personal value as a human being before a healthy relationship pattern can be followed. Victims of abuse really need to understand and realize their worth, and some cannot be convinced of it. Sucks but ... yeah.
Definitely don't make any moves until she is truly available. Even then, it sounds like you know the guy, and he might have some trend for violence. Tread carefully.
I'm not planning any moves or anything. I'm not really after her. I care about her and there might be feelings there but right now I just want to keep her from being in an abusive relationship the rest of her life. Her fiance doesn't seem like a violent guy, but his family is pretty white trash historically so it might run in the family. And just because he isn't violent outside doesn't mean he isn't in closed doors. While I haven't seen bruises just the fact that shes seemed so upset lately and seems kind of down whenever hes mentioned makes me think it might be true. I guess I'll just keep talking to her and hope for the best.
In hindsight, I realize that a relationship between the two of us would've been bad since she has issues that I don't really want to deal with. Yeah, as a sexual partner, she would've been great (and as I also mentioned on this thread, we had some steps in that direction), but as a boy/girlfriend thing, it would've been terrible.
Like Bryan said, the best thing you can do is just wait and see. And honestly, even if she does end up ditching the (potentially) abusive guy for you, make sure you know what you're getting into. Whether the relationship is abusive or not, even if you think that it's a bad situation, that's not your choice to make. But at the same time, if you really do think that something has changed about her, point it out. Don't hit her over the head with it, but just mention it during conversation. If she pushes it off, let it go. But then do it again the next time you see her if it continues, or even gets worse.
Basically, you don't want to just be a safe haven for her. You need to make it clear that you're not ignorant to the problem. Acknowledge that you think there is a problem, just don't force it out of her.
EDIT: To be fair, I'm not the best person to give advice in this area, plus I'm kinda drunk, so take that as you will. I'm sure others who have been in more similar situations can give better advice than me.
Apparently this happened back in Feb.
I'm not sure I can recommend OKC any longer. I stopped using it largely because it didn't help my situation (I'm hopeless), but I would have definitely stopped using it back in February if I had heard. Seems like bad mojo to me.
EDIT: OH! With one exception: I loved that OKC was started by math nerds from Harvard. When you were on the site, you knew these were some nerdy guys running it. The site has progressively "cleaned up" over time (prior to purchase), and seems to be less obviously started by math geeks (more mainstream). It seems like the match.com purchase only further legitimizes and monetizes their approach, which goes from math geek to business chic.
I mean, if all you are looking for is some casual fun, it shouldn't matter at all. If Ok Cupid no linger fits that niche, another product will come along. If you are using it to find love, then you should know that such a service isn't there to do that. They don't work on commission, where you pay a fee on the first anniversary of your serious relationship. That would be a complete failure business wise. They want eyeballs looking at ads. Or they want monthly subscription fees. Either way it is purely business.
I read the first article on your google link, and all I could see was "Whaaaaaaaa!"