You also don't have to get married. It's optional. You can have a perfectly fulfilling relationship without it - and if you don't want to get hit with the "forever or 15 years" stick, that might be a thing to consider.
I think something between mono-marriage (rigid) and dating (cloud) will evolve as an official social unit. There are all sorts of unlabeled levels of elasticity between those two.
Totally. Rym and I are domestic partners, but not married. Dating is seen as everything between "We went to a movie together" to "We live together for years" in terms of its definition. These are very different levels. People are too strict about marriage. I see nothing wrong with living with someone for a decade, and then wandering your separate ways. Life changes. You move cities, you miss your old haunts and find new good ones. I would think relationships were like that. You miss the old things, but there are always good new things in the future, I suppose.
I do enjoy living with Rym, though, and so I hope it keeps going on as long as possible.
Totally. Rym and I are domestic partners, but not married. Dating is seen as everything between "We went to a movie together" to "We live together for years" in terms of its definition. These are very different levels. People are too strict about marriage. I see nothing wrong with living with someone for a decade, and then wandering your separate ways. Life changes. You move cities, you miss your old haunts and find new good ones. I would think relationships were like that. You miss the old things, but there are always good new things in the future, I suppose.
I do enjoy living with Rym, though, and so I hope it keeps going on as long as possible.
I think that is a very sensible arrangement, and unless you plan on raising a family (which requires at least an 18 year commitment, maybe more), I don't see the absolute need for full-on marriage.
Totally. Rym and I are domestic partners, but not married. Dating is seen as everything between "We went to a movie together" to "We live together for years" in terms of its definition. These are very different levels. People are too strict about marriage. I see nothing wrong with living with someone for a decade, and then wandering your separate ways. Life changes. You move cities, you miss your old haunts and find new good ones. I would think relationships were like that. You miss the old things, but there are always good new things in the future, I suppose.
I do enjoy living with Rym, though, and so I hope it keeps going on as long as possible.
I think that is a very sensible arrangement, and unless you plan on raising a family (which requires at least an 18 year commitment, maybe more), I don't see the absolute need for full-on marriage.
There are some practical situations (For example, one partner has massively better insurance than the other, certain visitations in hospitals, crap like that) that could require marriage. On the whole, I agree with you, though.
Topic reminds me of a tangent I've been thinking about a lot lately...
It's interesting to watch some people change as they start to get into their 30's. A couple friends of mine who put off developing relationships in their 20's or even broke off relationships specifically because one person wanted to move on to marriage and kids are now suddenly racing to pair off with someone and make babies.
I went to a lot of weddings just after highschool, just after college, and now just after phds/mds/lawschool. I'm sure this happens to everybody but it has been a bit of a learning experience for me. Also friends trying to pair me off... that's new, and amazingly awkward.
You know, for a while after my last relationship ended, I had this constant gnawing thought in the back of my head that "What if you're alone forever? What if you never meet 'the one' or anyone even close? What if you die and there is no one crying on your grave other than whatever is left of your family?"
Today, I suddenly and inexplicably feel tons better, and so I say "Fuck that noise! I'm an awesome guy with a lot going for me and people around the globe have told me so! Even if I never have a date again for the rest of my life, so what? I have more friends than I ever thought I would and I keep making more; I may not be rich, but I want for little; I have a little brother who looks up to me; people find me generally likable; I live in a world where life is getting better and better; and I really am on the path to achieving my goals and dreams. I've experienced more in my 22 years than many people do their whole lives. My life is awesome!"
A bit of a rant but, you know what, I'm out of an emotional rut and I feel GREAT. Can't wait for summer to finally arrive so I can go out and kick some ass!
A lot of people decide they want to get married, but put it off until they finish a major commitment (like a degree).
Sure, that's a perfectly normal and reasonable thing, but that's not what I was referring to. I was more referring to people that had always planned to start a family right after that commitment was completed, but were not actually in any sort of relationship that was headed in that direction... so now they're in a hurry. Also people that seemingly never had any interest in it, then decided they had an interest all of a sudden. Lowered standards, changed objectives, and seeing the goal as more important than the components. Basically, it's none of my business, but I highly anticipate these things are going to blow up in everyone's face in a few years.
A bit of a rant but, you know what, I'm out of an emotional rut and I feel GREAT. Can't wait for summer to finally arrive so I can go out and kick some ass!
Falling back into it. Feeling like shit and ashamed to tell anyone, 'cause all I expect is an "I told you so", "you need to get over it", or any of the other pointless goddamn platitudes I've heard over and over again. Not that there's many people to talk to this time of night.
Falling back into it. Feeling like shit and ashamed to tell anyone, 'cause all I expect is an "I told you so", "you need to get over it", or any of the other pointless goddamn platitudes I've heard over and over again. Not that there's many people to talk to this time of night.
Part of my problem here is that too often, I have been the one or I have seen others who set themselves up to fail and then whine and call themselves useless and tell people they feel like they can't win when they actually haven't tried as hard as they could. For a long time I was the friend that would coddle and tell people they're worth it and to keep trying, but that's proving pretty ineffective, so I'm taking my best friend Casey's mindset and telling people to shut up and realize they're more than that.
Then again, nothing makes me angry like people who have wasted ambition and give up their dreams for social/relationship pursuits. Having a mom who had nothing in her life but my dad, you don't even want to be near someone who will trash their dreams in the obsessive need for social validation. If your friends aren't giving you social validation, your friends suck. They aren't very good friends. If you don't have a relationship, SO WHAT? You can be extremely meaningful and fulfilled and be single for years.
I tangented, but tl;dr GODDAMN IT WALKER YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT YOU WILL GO FAR I BELIEVE IN YOU RAAHHHHH.
PS: I had the realization the other day that I'm about to go through the entirety of college with no serious/real relationships behind me, and not because I couldn't get one if I wanted... because I just didn't care about having a relationship enough. I think this either makes me jaded, overly stubborn, or independent. Maybe some combo thereof.
Falling back into it. Feeling like shit and ashamed to tell anyone, 'cause all I expect is an "I told you so", "you need to get over it", or any of the other pointless goddamn platitudes I've heard over and over again. Not that there's many people to talk to this time of night.
Last night was a good night for my sleep requirements, but I still wish I'd been up to talk to you. You know you can always hit me up if you need it, man.
PS: I had the realization the other day that I'm about to go through the entirety of college with no serious/real relationships behind me, and not because I couldn't get one if I wanted... because I just didn't care about having a relationship enough. I think this either makes me jaded, overly stubborn, or independent. Maybe some combo thereof.
I didn't realize people like you existed. I thought I was doomed to a life of mediocrity because soon I would become obsessed with avoiding "Forever Alone-ness" and "conquering the friendzone" and other things I get sick of people on the internet complaining about. My hat is off to you. You are a gentleman and a scholar (regardless of gender).
People seriously need to cut out that Forever Alone and Friend Zone shit. Two things:
1) There's no such thing as the Friend Zone. There's people that find you attractive and people that don't, and sometimes that sucks, but it's better to be a chill person and just accept that. Quoth asofterworld, "Who doesn't like more friends?"
2) Forever Alone particularly irritates me because the majority of people that use it in an unironic fashion seem to believe that they'll be validated by another person taking an interest in them. But, relationships aren't about self-validation, they're about mutual love, respect, and friendship. If you're just trying to find someone to take an interest in you to feel better about yourself, you should probably work some things out before you start thinking about getting romantically involved with another person.
I didn't realize people like you existed. I thought I was doomed to a life of mediocrity because soon I would become obsessed with avoiding "Forever Alone-ness" and "conquering the friendzone" and other things I get sick of people on the internet complaining about. My hat is off to you. You are a gentleman and a scholar (regardless of gender).
Uhh, thanks? It tends to just get me mocked in my friends group. I don't have normal college-student values, so people think I'm not happy being me. It's like you can't be a single virgin without being totally miserable about it; which I don't get because you should be able to be fulfilled on your own before you delve into something that requires giving so much of yourself and being so vulnerable. Sure, having a relationship would be NICE, but it in no way takes priority over the acquisition of my goals and dreams and the ability to spend time with normal friends. Getting laid would be NICE, but I'm not just going to sleep with the first guy who calls me pretty either.
I used to think that maybe I'm doing it wrong because people don't seem to listen to what I say, or take me seriously. People in a certain group of my friends talk over me, ignore me, slam doors in my face, and generally take no interest in anything that isn't directly related to their interests. Being the only theater kid in the group, I started to feel very ostracized and not like myself at all. I was repressed by the idea that I couldn't be/talk about the person that I actually am and I just left from hanging out with them feeling unfulfilled. Does that make ME unsuccessful and unfulfilled? I thought so, for a bit. Then I realized that I'm just different from them and they aren't the kind of friends I need. I can go off, do my own thing, and be perfectly happy doing what I like and achieving my own goals, whatever they may be. There are plenty of people willing to listen to me ramble and let me be silly that there's no use wasting time on people who don't want to care.
2) Forever Alone particularly irritates me because the majority of people that use it in an unironic fashion seem to believe that they'll be validated by another person taking an interest in them. But, relationships aren't about self-validation, they're about mutual love, respect, and friendship. If you're just trying to find someone to take an interest in you to feel better about yourself, you should probably work some things out before you start thinking about getting romantically involved with another person.
THIS. Also the "Ughhh I want someone, ANYONE, PLZ LUV MEEEE" and then turning around and trying to act all superior and super picky. Don't throw yourself on a bunch of random bitches that ignore you and then be annoyed when someone actually legitimately thinks you're worth their time. If you want a fluff relationship, be honest. You want a fluff relationship. But don't act like you want the perfect fairytale and ignore anything that actually involves emotional commitment. You can't idolize someone and think they're going to save you from yourself or make you feel worthwhile. Because what will you do when that person is inevitably gone? Curl up in a ball and cry all day? Drink yourself stupid?
tl;dr: It's better and healthier to pursue your dreams and make your hard work be what validates you rather than searching for that validation in others.
Yup. Don't compromise what is important to you. Instead, surround yourself with people who are supportive of what's important to you. Filter out the ones who aren't.
(Sometimes this involves transferring colleges or moving to a different state. Been there, done that, better for it.)
I also meant to say: people come and go. In the end, the only person you answer to is yourself. Do you want to be the person regretting over what you COULD have done, or do you want to be the person having pride over what they HAVE accomplished.
Falling back into it. Feeling like shit and ashamed to tell anyone, 'cause all I expect is an "I told you so", "you need to get over it", or any of the other pointless goddamn platitudes I've heard over and over again. Not that there's many people to talk to this time of night.
Part of my problem here is that too often, I have been the one or I have seen others who set themselves up to fail and then whine and call themselves useless and tell people they feel like they can't win when they actually haven't tried as hard as they could. For a long time I was the friend that would coddle and tell people they're worth it and to keep trying, but that's proving pretty ineffective, so I'm taking my best friend Casey's mindset and telling people to shut up and realize they're more than that.
Then again, nothing makes me angry like people who have wasted ambition and give up their dreams for social/relationship pursuits. Having a mom who had nothing in her life but my dad, you don't even want to be near someone who will trash their dreams in the obsessive need for social validation. If your friends aren't giving you social validation, your friends suck. They aren't very good friends. If you don't have a relationship, SO WHAT? You can be extremely meaningful and fulfilled and be single for years.
I tangented, but tl;dr GODDAMN IT WALKER YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT YOU WILL GO FAR I BELIEVE IN YOU RAAHHHHH.
PS: I had the realization the other day that I'm about to go through the entirety of college with no serious/real relationships behind me, and not because I couldn't get one if I wanted... because I just didn't care about having a relationship enough. I think this either makes me jaded, overly stubborn, or independent. Maybe some combo thereof.
Chill your damn nuts. I know you know that this is about a lady, but you should frame your advice as advice and your personal revelations as personal revelations. Your bullshit is not my bullshit. I might have more of it than you, at this point, but it's still my own personal bullshit.
That said, thanks for the kind words. Don't worry too much. I'm still moving forward; I even went ahead and finished recording a song right after the event that set me off. Hang in there, be happy.
Comments
I do enjoy living with Rym, though, and so I hope it keeps going on as long as possible.
It's interesting to watch some people change as they start to get into their 30's. A couple friends of mine who put off developing relationships in their 20's or even broke off relationships specifically because one person wanted to move on to marriage and kids are now suddenly racing to pair off with someone and make babies.
I went to a lot of weddings just after highschool, just after college, and now just after phds/mds/lawschool. I'm sure this happens to everybody but it has been a bit of a learning experience for me. Also friends trying to pair me off... that's new, and amazingly awkward.
You know, for a while after my last relationship ended, I had this constant gnawing thought in the back of my head that "What if you're alone forever? What if you never meet 'the one' or anyone even close? What if you die and there is no one crying on your grave other than whatever is left of your family?"
Today, I suddenly and inexplicably feel tons better, and so I say "Fuck that noise! I'm an awesome guy with a lot going for me and people around the globe have told me so! Even if I never have a date again for the rest of my life, so what? I have more friends than I ever thought I would and I keep making more; I may not be rich, but I want for little; I have a little brother who looks up to me; people find me generally likable; I live in a world where life is getting better and better; and I really am on the path to achieving my goals and dreams. I've experienced more in my 22 years than many people do their whole lives. My life is awesome!"
A bit of a rant but, you know what, I'm out of an emotional rut and I feel GREAT. Can't wait for summer to finally arrive so I can go out and kick some ass!
Then again, nothing makes me angry like people who have wasted ambition and give up their dreams for social/relationship pursuits. Having a mom who had nothing in her life but my dad, you don't even want to be near someone who will trash their dreams in the obsessive need for social validation. If your friends aren't giving you social validation, your friends suck. They aren't very good friends. If you don't have a relationship, SO WHAT? You can be extremely meaningful and fulfilled and be single for years.
I tangented, but tl;dr GODDAMN IT WALKER YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT YOU WILL GO FAR I BELIEVE IN YOU RAAHHHHH.
PS: I had the realization the other day that I'm about to go through the entirety of college with no serious/real relationships behind me, and not because I couldn't get one if I wanted... because I just didn't care about having a relationship enough. I think this either makes me jaded, overly stubborn, or independent. Maybe some combo thereof.
1) There's no such thing as the Friend Zone. There's people that find you attractive and people that don't, and sometimes that sucks, but it's better to be a chill person and just accept that. Quoth asofterworld, "Who doesn't like more friends?"
2) Forever Alone particularly irritates me because the majority of people that use it in an unironic fashion seem to believe that they'll be validated by another person taking an interest in them. But, relationships aren't about self-validation, they're about mutual love, respect, and friendship. If you're just trying to find someone to take an interest in you to feel better about yourself, you should probably work some things out before you start thinking about getting romantically involved with another person.
>kids
But yeah, "Forever Alone" and "Friend Zone" are bullshit.
I used to think that maybe I'm doing it wrong because people don't seem to listen to what I say, or take me seriously. People in a certain group of my friends talk over me, ignore me, slam doors in my face, and generally take no interest in anything that isn't directly related to their interests. Being the only theater kid in the group, I started to feel very ostracized and not like myself at all. I was repressed by the idea that I couldn't be/talk about the person that I actually am and I just left from hanging out with them feeling unfulfilled. Does that make ME unsuccessful and unfulfilled? I thought so, for a bit. Then I realized that I'm just different from them and they aren't the kind of friends I need. I can go off, do my own thing, and be perfectly happy doing what I like and achieving my own goals, whatever they may be. There are plenty of people willing to listen to me ramble and let me be silly that there's no use wasting time on people who don't want to care. THIS.
Also the "Ughhh I want someone, ANYONE, PLZ LUV MEEEE" and then turning around and trying to act all superior and super picky. Don't throw yourself on a bunch of random bitches that ignore you and then be annoyed when someone actually legitimately thinks you're worth their time. If you want a fluff relationship, be honest. You want a fluff relationship. But don't act like you want the perfect fairytale and ignore anything that actually involves emotional commitment.
You can't idolize someone and think they're going to save you from yourself or make you feel worthwhile. Because what will you do when that person is inevitably gone? Curl up in a ball and cry all day? Drink yourself stupid?
tl;dr: It's better and healthier to pursue your dreams and make your hard work be what validates you rather than searching for that validation in others.
(Sometimes this involves transferring colleges or moving to a different state. Been there, done that, better for it.)
That said, thanks for the kind words. Don't worry too much. I'm still moving forward; I even went ahead and finished recording a song right after the event that set me off. Hang in there, be happy.