I've delighted in equally despicable things. Can't say it got me anywhere good, but I'm not gonna judge. I've been on both sides of that equation; they're both worth experiencing. Just don't gaze long into that abyss.
Can someone explain why monogamy is so highly prioritized? It's never made sense to me, but I'll admit that I'm the last person who ought to be weighing in on these things.
Can someone explain why monogamy is so highly prioritized? It's never made sense to me, but I'll admit that I'm the last person who ought to be weighing in on these things.
It's not that hard to understand what don't you get? (Too Lazy to do a complete explanation)
For me personally: Monogamy helps my self-esteem issues. If someone is willing to want me and only me, and forgo sexual/physical/emotional romantic intimacy with someone else for the sole cause of being with me, it makes me happy and feel loved.
Honestly? The level I end up wanting to be there for/around/involved with someone I'm in a relationship with, more than one at a time sounds like way too much work. Albeit, just one sounds like way too much work unless I'm legitimately really interested in someone, so I'm probably not the person to answer that question.
Can someone explain why monogamy is so highly prioritized? It's never made sense to me, but I'll admit that I'm the last person who ought to be weighing in on these things.
Because jealousy. Because risk of dishonesty. Because difficulty in communication means each relationship you add = 100x more complications.
Consentual non-monogamy is fine. When not everybody involved consents, that is NOT COOL. If my boyfriend is banging another chick, I damn well deserve to know that. It impacts both our own relationship and my personal physical health. If I am not told of the desire for the new relationship, I cannot consent. That means I cannot take the actions necessary to protect myself and my wellbeing, whether those actions are talking, STI testing, or leaving the relationship altogether.
By cheating (not following the rules of a relationship, even a polyamorous one) you deprive at least one other person involved of their ability to consent. This is a cheating issue, not a non-monogamy issue.
Can someone explain why monogamy is so highly prioritized? It's never made sense to me, but I'll admit that I'm the last person who ought to be weighing in on these things.
It's hard to deal with one person's bullshit. Two people's bullshit? That's as much emotional commitment as most people can handle.
Non-monogamy is hard. It requires constant communication and negotiation with multiple factors to consider on each end. And if your partners are also non-monogamous? Holy shitballs does it get complicated.
There's nothing "better" about monogamy or non-monogamy - they're just different ways of operating.
For some of us it's massively, intoxicatingly fun to steal beautiful women away from other men. Especially when you mix it with lots of sex and actual intoxication. At this point in my life I avoid involved women like crack in a rehab clinic.
If we all did what was fun, this world would go to Hell in a handbasket.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I don't like burning alive. Or being eaten by demons. Or any of the other hyperbole about Hell. Generally, it seems like a bad thing, that's kinda the point.
Yeah, that's totally the lesson to take away from this.
Axel, stick with your convictions about not being a terrible person. There's a difference between stealing someone's girlfriend and screwing a girl who is lying to the current boyfriend. It's about trust and communication, and apparently some people don't give a shit about that.
I know, one person telling me that cuckolding someone is a fun thing doesn't really change my life-view in the slightest.
If you're just joking/trolling, it's not honestly that funny, so...
And honestly? When I have intimacy with any girl, it's not just something physical. I don't expect anyone else to live by that practice, that's just me personally. I don't think I could be emotionally connected to a girl who was with someone else at the time, and if I did it on accident? God, I would hate myself.
I'm not joking, not entirely. Clearly it's best that nobody cheats on anybody else and we all strive for healthy, honest relationships. Doing otherwise brings hell to everyone involved. On the other hand, I don't regret being a bastard. Being a bastard is fun, and going through hell for being a bastard builds character.
I obviously have some serious shit to work out. Pete's comments were very real to me, and I kind of feel like shit now. I was too busy having fun to realize what an asshole I was being. Ugh.
Time to actually sort this out instead of vomiting it onto the internet. Getting ready for srs feels.
I wrote this two days ago, but only just got online:
Noooooooo!!! You're doing it all wrong! You're quoting me out of context!
"Always cuckold, never cheat" is more subtle than your use here. First it means that you should never cheat. Second, it doesn't mean should "always cuckold", as in, only ever get with girls who currently have boyfriends.
Third, and more specifically, it means that cheating isn't always a bad thing, if you are not the one doing the cheating. If the girl is up for some consensual sexy fun times one night, and you're not sure if she has a boyfriend, don't let that get in the way of a fun experience. That's up to her, as its her relationship, and (to put it bluntly) if she's looking for action elsewhere, he's probably not doing a good job.
Fourth, and this is super important, this advice is NOT general advice. It is for one night stands. It is for romances on vacations, where you and your new lady friend are thousands of miles, and a few weeks, away from her boyfriend. If you and the girl don't understand 100% that this is nothing more than a friendly one-off roll in the sheets, you're just asking for trouble.
Fifth, and this is the MOST important part, this is not advice if you want to begin a long term or serious relationship. It's not advice if you want ANY kind of relationship. The worst thing possible is to destroy a relationship between a girl and her boyfriend. If you try to make it something more than a one-off or limited time casual sex thing, you're inserting yourself into an unhealthy situation for everyone.
As an example, I've got together with (that I know of) three girls who weren't sure about their current boyfriends, and after having a bit of fun with me (not full on sex each time) they've gone back to their boyfriends, and their relationships improved, or at least it didn't end the relationship. One girl is now married and has a kid with the same boyfriend she cheated on to be with me (though we had in-bed history before she got together with him). If I'd wanted something more, or if I'd have tried to take it as something more, she wouldn't still be with him almost 10 years later, and with a family. It's just our secret, and that's how it will stay. Maybe she told him what we got up to that night, but even that is none of my business.
Finally, related to the above points, and the situation you are now in (this is REALLY important)...
If someone is cheating on someone to be with you, DO NOT TRY TO START ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. Nothing serious, nothing long term. Now, maybe this is too strict, because I'm sure there are plenty of couples that started off with one of them as "the other woman/man", but these are notable for their relative rareness. The truth of the matter is that people who cheat on other people don't make good relationship material. Or not if you want a healthy relationship. Or a stress free relationship. If his/her previous other hand couldn't trust them, how will you have peace of mind?
And this brings us back to the main message of my first piece of advice. Never cheat. Be the one who can be trusted. Always.
Related to the previous point: while not technically cheating, if someone leaves someone to be be with you, that's still a non-optimal beginning of a relationship. Every time a girl has left another guy to be with me, they have left me to be with another guy. Now, this isn't always a bad thing, as my relationship with Pola lasted 5 years and was successful in pretty much every way it could be measured, and were, up until then, the best 5 years of my life. But it's something to be wary of, so go into such a relationship with your eyes open. While someone might not be cheating on you, it doesn't mean they won't jump ship when the taller, younger, better looking option comes along.
To clarify: don't cheat, don't screw over someone else's relationship, don't start relationships with someone who does cheat... but take full advantage of a stress-free sexy fun time if it is presented, even if you suspect or know there's another guy or girl, somewhere.
I do not get monogamy. Like, I don't see why that state would at all be desirable. You want your SO to be happy, and if fucking other people makes them happy, why would you want them not to fuck other people? Shit makes no sense. Like, I totally get not desiring to fuck people other than your SO, because that's where I am right now, but I don't see why somebody would try to restrict the people that they love.
However, it seems like other people have a problem with their thinkpans where they believe that relationships should be exclusive, and I respect that. Whatever two consenting adults agree on, right? BUT, if one of them is cheating, obviously they don't actually agree on that, or they are hypocrites who believe only the other half of the relationship should be bound by their weird little pact. In either case, we have either a breach of communication, which is actually important, or the person is kind of a terrible person and you don't want anything to do with them!
So, basically, nothing wrong with being the person somebody cheats with, but why would you want to sleep with that person!?! They have proven themselves untrustworthy at the very least, and it's obvious they aren't big on real communication. Why do you desire to be with this person? Even if it's just a one-off, which is something I also don't understand, you risk getting stabbed by jealous people, or having people think of you as a relationship ruining asshole!
Thanks for the advice! I think I've got this sorted, now.
Actually, within the past 48 hours, I've had two other (unattached) girls hit me up about NYE plans. I could dip on all this drama literally on New Year's Eve and still have someone to spend it with. That's also under HEAVY consideration. Also, this thread is fucking with my anxiety in ways difficult to comprehend, so I think it's outlived its usefulness for me.
Comments
Monogamy helps my self-esteem issues. If someone is willing to want me and only me, and forgo sexual/physical/emotional romantic intimacy with someone else for the sole cause of being with me, it makes me happy and feel loved.
Albeit, just one sounds like way too much work unless I'm legitimately really interested in someone, so I'm probably not the person to answer that question.
Consentual non-monogamy is fine. When not everybody involved consents, that is NOT COOL. If my boyfriend is banging another chick, I damn well deserve to know that. It impacts both our own relationship and my personal physical health. If I am not told of the desire for the new relationship, I cannot consent. That means I cannot take the actions necessary to protect myself and my wellbeing, whether those actions are talking, STI testing, or leaving the relationship altogether.
By cheating (not following the rules of a relationship, even a polyamorous one) you deprive at least one other person involved of their ability to consent. This is a cheating issue, not a non-monogamy issue.
Non-monogamy is hard. It requires constant communication and negotiation with multiple factors to consider on each end. And if your partners are also non-monogamous? Holy shitballs does it get complicated.
There's nothing "better" about monogamy or non-monogamy - they're just different ways of operating.
On Monogamy:
Axel, stick with your convictions about not being a terrible person. There's a difference between stealing someone's girlfriend and screwing a girl who is lying to the current boyfriend. It's about trust and communication, and apparently some people don't give a shit about that.
If you're just joking/trolling, it's not honestly that funny, so...
And honestly? When I have intimacy with any girl, it's not just something physical. I don't expect anyone else to live by that practice, that's just me personally. I don't think I could be emotionally connected to a girl who was with someone else at the time, and if I did it on accident? God, I would hate myself.
Time to actually sort this out instead of vomiting it onto the internet. Getting ready for srs feels.
Noooooooo!!! You're doing it all wrong! You're quoting me out of context!
"Always cuckold, never cheat" is more subtle than your use here. First it means that you should never cheat. Second, it doesn't mean should "always cuckold", as in, only ever get with girls who currently have boyfriends.
Third, and more specifically, it means that cheating isn't always a bad thing, if you are not the one doing the cheating. If the girl is up for some consensual sexy fun times one night, and you're not sure if she has a boyfriend, don't let that get in the way of a fun experience. That's up to her, as its her relationship, and (to put it bluntly) if she's looking for action elsewhere, he's probably not doing a good job.
Fourth, and this is super important, this advice is NOT general advice. It is for one night stands. It is for romances on vacations, where you and your new lady friend are thousands of miles, and a few weeks, away from her boyfriend. If you and the girl don't understand 100% that this is nothing more than a friendly one-off roll in the sheets, you're just asking for trouble.
Fifth, and this is the MOST important part, this is not advice if you want to begin a long term or serious relationship. It's not advice if you want ANY kind of relationship. The worst thing possible is to destroy a relationship between a girl and her boyfriend. If you try to make it something more than a one-off or limited time casual sex thing, you're inserting yourself into an unhealthy situation for everyone.
As an example, I've got together with (that I know of) three girls who weren't sure about their current boyfriends, and after having a bit of fun with me (not full on sex each time) they've gone back to their boyfriends, and their relationships improved, or at least it didn't end the relationship. One girl is now married and has a kid with the same boyfriend she cheated on to be with me (though we had in-bed history before she got together with him). If I'd wanted something more, or if I'd have tried to take it as something more, she wouldn't still be with him almost 10 years later, and with a family. It's just our secret, and that's how it will stay. Maybe she told him what we got up to that night, but even that is none of my business.
Finally, related to the above points, and the situation you are now in (this is REALLY important)...
If someone is cheating on someone to be with you, DO NOT TRY TO START ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. Nothing serious, nothing long term. Now, maybe this is too strict, because I'm sure there are plenty of couples that started off with one of them as "the other woman/man", but these are notable for their relative rareness. The truth of the matter is that people who cheat on other people don't make good relationship material. Or not if you want a healthy relationship. Or a stress free relationship. If his/her previous other hand couldn't trust them, how will you have peace of mind?
And this brings us back to the main message of my first piece of advice. Never cheat. Be the one who can be trusted. Always.
Related to the previous point: while not technically cheating, if someone leaves someone to be be with you, that's still a non-optimal beginning of a relationship. Every time a girl has left another guy to be with me, they have left me to be with another guy. Now, this isn't always a bad thing, as my relationship with Pola lasted 5 years and was successful in pretty much every way it could be measured, and were, up until then, the best 5 years of my life. But it's something to be wary of, so go into such a relationship with your eyes open. While someone might not be cheating on you, it doesn't mean they won't jump ship when the taller, younger, better looking option comes along.
To clarify: don't cheat, don't screw over someone else's relationship, don't start relationships with someone who does cheat... but take full advantage of a stress-free sexy fun time if it is presented, even if you suspect or know there's another guy or girl, somewhere.
Thus ends today's episode of Luke's Love Line.
However, it seems like other people have a problem with their thinkpans where they believe that relationships should be exclusive, and I respect that. Whatever two consenting adults agree on, right? BUT, if one of them is cheating, obviously they don't actually agree on that, or they are hypocrites who believe only the other half of the relationship should be bound by their weird little pact. In either case, we have either a breach of communication, which is actually important, or the person is kind of a terrible person and you don't want anything to do with them!
So, basically, nothing wrong with being the person somebody cheats with, but why would you want to sleep with that person!?! They have proven themselves untrustworthy at the very least, and it's obvious they aren't big on real communication. Why do you desire to be with this person? Even if it's just a one-off, which is something I also don't understand, you risk getting stabbed by jealous people, or having people think of you as a relationship ruining asshole!
Stick to sleeping with sane, open-minded people!
Actually, within the past 48 hours, I've had two other (unattached) girls hit me up about NYE plans. I could dip on all this drama literally on New Year's Eve and still have someone to spend it with. That's also under HEAVY consideration. Also, this thread is fucking with my anxiety in ways difficult to comprehend, so I think it's outlived its usefulness for me.