My wife and I didn't have sex until something like our seventh date. I really don't think the "third date" rule is a part of the social contract anymore. We waited because it made sense to us, just like the three date thing probably makes sense to you.
The interesting question would be "why", that would require some interesting discussion about why the "Three date rule" came into being in the first place.
EDIT: "3 dates" is probably conceptually related to "3 strikes" which is an implementation of the more general pan-cultural "rule of 3."
And what qualifies as a date these days? Our social dynamic has changed. We hang out in groups and get to know our single female friends. Get some one-on-one time at a party? That can accomplish the same thing as a "date."
Well Axel you know what they say about marriage :-p
Even beyond all that, I can promise that I know couples who had more than three dates and had sex before married. Hell, I'm LIVING with one such couple right now!
Well Axel you know what they say about marriage :-p
Even beyond all that, I can promise that I know couples who had more than three dates and had sex before married. Hell, I'm LIVING with one such couple right now!
Axel, I can't parse what you meant to say here.
On another note, I know a couple who met in high school and managed to wait until marriage - which didn't happen until they had graduated from college. I will probably never comprehend the amount of patience and commitment that takes.
So in unrelated to date-numbers-for-sex-rules news...
Chris has, in the past few days:
-Told me he loves with me, implied the possible intention of marriage? Also implied me waiting on him when he has his summer job in Maine. -Carried me home when I got sick at a friend's house, sat with me until he was sure I was okay, and then put me to bed by wrapping me in my favorite blanket and kissing me, after offering to stay by my side the entire night if it would make me feel better. -Bought me expensive, professional-quality sewing scissors, and was incredibly insistent when I tried to refuse -Spent the entire night last night up with me while I was sewing, would occasionally just randomly stroke my hair or give me back rubs and hugs. -Brought me breakfast this morning while I was working.
Man doesn't sound like he knows what he wants. Or apparently he does now. I don't know. Inconsistency is the thing I hate most in the world.
Well Axel you know what they say about marriage :-p
Even beyond all that, I can promise that I know couples who had more than three dates and had sex before married. Hell, I'm LIVING with one such couple right now!
Axel, I can't parse what you meant to say here.
Sorry. What I meant was that simply I know a couple who isn't married, has had sex, and didn't have sex before or on their third date. Just breaking the rule more, not that it needed to be.
There are som exceptions and work arounds. As Bill Clinton showed the world blow jobs don't count as sex. Which may explain why it is so popular among the "no sex before marriage" crowd. Anal sex is also often not counted as sex by that same group.
If there are exceptions, it's not a rule. It's maybe some old adage, or even a practice among certain people, but it doesn't hold true for anyone unless they choose it to.
Man doesn't sound like he knows what he wants. Or apparently he does now. I don't know. Inconsistency is the thing I hate most in the world.
His clarification of the breakup was that he loved me, but didn't feel like he had enough of a sense of self to be in a relationship/didn't know how to identify love as an autonomous thing, aside from relationships, and he wanted to be able to love people as just people, and that he didn't feel like relationship-wise, with those things on his mind, he was capable of fully loving me.
He also fully disproved my strong suspicions of cheating, which... I didn't think was possible, but he presented some pretty difficult to refute arguments.
There were little nitpicky things, some to do with my family (and here, we get into the "implied marriage" thing) because he was scared of ending up marrying into a family as unstable as the relationship with my mom is. Another contributing factor was that he didn't feel right continuing to further the physical side of the relationship when he had doubts about it from his side of things. In my opinion, nitpicky... but it seems to really matter to him.
It's really complicated. I had a minor panic attack when it dawned on me that he even CONSIDERED marrying me; not because he's not great or I hadn't thought about it at all, but because I can't actually imagine ANYONE wanting to marry me, particularly after only dating for four months. Upon me realizing this and freaking out about it a little, I found that several of the people close around me saw this intention in him all along.
SO I DON'T KNOW. I'm honestly pretty overwhelmed. All I know is, he still looks at me like I'm the most precious thing in the whole goddamn world and is adoring and supportive and sweet all over again.
There are some exceptions and work arounds. As Bill Clinton showed the world blow jobs don't count as sex. Which may explain why it is so popular among the "no sex before marriage" crowd. Anal sex is also often not counted as sex by that same group.
Damn. This makes gay guys the most celibate folks... ever. Eternal virgins, even.
SO I DON'T KNOW. I'm honestly pretty overwhelmed. All I know is, he still looks at me like I'm the most precious thing in the whole goddamn world and is adoring and supportive and sweet all over again.
Okay, here is what I think you need to do. This is what helped me. Before you make any major decisions or commitments, you need to seriously figure out what you need and want. What he wants is irrelevant. This is about you right now. Once you figure it out, THEN you can talk to him about what he wants and see if it works for you.
Go away for AT MINIMUM 3 days where you will not see him and will not have other responsibilities. (This can include driving time.) You need some time to think about you without having cuddles and lovins clouding your thoughts.
After you have had a chance to decompress and relax a little bit, you need to put yourself in isolation. Find a place to sit/meditate/think where you won't be bothered for at least a few hours. Mine was outside on a wooden stage in front of an empty amphitheater, but inside should work just fine if you can find a place with no distractions. That means no TV, no radio, no music, no reading. If you have something simple and repetitive you like to do with your hands, like knitting, that will actually help. But nothing where you actually have to seriously engage your brain, and nothing where you can turn your brain off completely and just consume. You have to be able to let your mind wander and actively think. Think about the things that have made you happy and the things that have made you mad, and why. It will help you understand why you reacted that way and give you some insight into yourself.
If it works, this will help you figure out what you need out of a relationship, what you want in a partnership if you are going to get married someday, how you feel about yourself, and most of all the things you DON'T KNOW about all of those things. It's ok to not know what you need as long as you acknowledge that and try to find out before making major commitments. A boyfriend can be a good person to help you explore those unknown needs and wants, but it works better if you can talk about it up front and say, "Hey, there are some things I still need to figure out about me. If you are okay with me working those out before taking big steps, then that's cool. Otherwise we need to go our separate ways."
Once you figure out what it is you think you need, don't compromise those things. People who want to be with you can try to convince you why your needs aren't really needs. You know yourself better than they do. It's okay to love someone and not be with them. The important thing is for everybody to be in a relationship that is actually good for them, not just one they think they want. If it's not meeting your needs (or actively working on meeting your needs), then it's not good for you.
Before you make any major decisions or commitments, you need to seriously figure out what you need and want.
Also, remember how I keep giving the advice of "Before you make any big decisions, have a wank"? Yep, pretty much do that. I mean, mechanically it's not obviously going to be identical, but the idea is the same - it clears the head, and gives you some head-space away from these problems. It's not really advice that SOLVES the problem, but it does help.
People think I'm joking, because it sounds funny, but I'm really not.
Before you make any major decisions or commitments, you need to seriously figure out what you need and want.
Also, remember how I keep giving the advice of "Before you make any big decisions, have a wank"? Yep, pretty much do that. I mean, mechanically it's not obviously going to be identical, but the idea is the same - it clears the head, and gives you some head-space away from these problems. It's not really advice that SOLVES the problem, but it does help.
People think I'm joking, because it sounds funny, but I'm really not.
A friend of mine always gave the advice, "Don't go hunting hungry." Same as the grocery store; you'll make better decisions if you're not starving.
Before you make any major decisions or commitments, you need to seriously figure out what you need and want.
Also, remember how I keep giving the advice of "Before you make any big decisions, have a wank"? Yep, pretty much do that. I mean, mechanically it's not obviously going to be identical, but the idea is the same - it clears the head, and gives you some head-space away from these problems. It's not really advice that SOLVES the problem, but it does help.
People think I'm joking, because it sounds funny, but I'm really not.
A friend of mine always gave the advice, "Don't go hunting hungry." Same as the grocery store; you'll make better decisions if you're not starving.
Exactly. Everybody knows you don't go shopping when you're hungry, or you buy a bunch of stupid shit. Yet, so people who would think "I should have a sarnie before I go shopping" for some reason don't think "I should have a wank before I make any decisions about the optimistic/same sex", despite being essentially the same in principle.
The world would be a better place, if people would just masturbate more often.
Also, January 1976, Daina House. Also, interesting hidden joke - That issue of playboy had the start of a brand new series: Assassination in America. Which is either an amazing coincidence, or the most obscure, well hidden jab I've seen for a long time.
Also, January 1976, Daina House. Also, interesting hidden joke - That issue of playboy had the start of a brand new series: Assassination in America. Which is either an amazing coincidence, or the most obscure, well hidden jab I've seen for a long time.
This is why I like you, Churbs. How the hell does one go along possessing such knowledge?
This is why I like you, Churbs. How the hell does one go along possessing such knowledge?
In this case, I can't brag - I was curious, and decided to Google it, since you just KNOW that it had to be online somewhere. Unfortunately, looking behind the curtain wasn't very interesting that time, but seriously, that's how I know all sorts of crazy shit - I get curious, and I go look it up. It's been a long-standing habit ever since I was old enough to a)read and B)Figure out that asking adults about stuff didn't usually give you very good answers. I also used to read a TON of trivia books.
Really, my memory is patchy, I've got weird obscure shit all through my brain, but it's hardly consistent. I'll know about the archeological theory and problems behind what is commonly reported as "Gay Cavemen", and I know that a .300 win mag will drop about 36 feet over 1000m and will take 1.8 seconds to get there, but it took me 3 years to remember my own fucking phone number.
This is why I like you, Churbs. How the hell does one go along possessing such knowledge?
In this case, I can't brag - I was curious, and decided to Google it, since you just KNOW that it had to be online somewhere. Unfortunately, looking behind the curtain wasn't very interesting that time, but seriously, that's how I know all sorts of crazy shit - I get curious, and I go look it up. It's been a long-standing habit ever since I was old enough to a)read and B)Figure out that asking adults about stuff didn't usually give you very good answers. I also used to read a TON of trivia books.
Really, my memory is patchy, I've got weird obscure shit all through my brain, but it's hardly consistent. I'll know about the archeological theory and problems behind what is commonly reported as "Gay Cavemen", and I know that a .300 win mag will drop about 36 feet over 1000m and will take 1.8 seconds to get there, but it took me 3 years to remember my own fucking phone number.
This is essentially my life, with trivia books replaced with 8-14 hours of wikipedia trawling a day between the ages of 15 and 17. It took me two years to memorize my girlfriend's last name, but I'm not allowed in the room when Jeopardy is on anymore because I ruin it for everyone else.
Comments
Three date rule might be a relic of the older generation. You post Internet kids are not the same as those of us who came before the Internet.
Be safe and responsible about it.
I'm hard-pressed to think of any other rules.
EDIT: "3 dates" is probably conceptually related to "3 strikes" which is an implementation of the more general pan-cultural "rule of 3."
And what qualifies as a date these days? Our social dynamic has changed. We hang out in groups and get to know our single female friends. Get some one-on-one time at a party? That can accomplish the same thing as a "date."
SO
Anyone who's ever waited for marriage lied.
Is that it? You gonna tell me that? Because I promise you, these people exist. And no, I don't mean my parents, but I'm telling you, it does happen.
On another note, I know a couple who met in high school and managed to wait until marriage - which didn't happen until they had graduated from college. I will probably never comprehend the amount of patience and commitment that takes.
Chris has, in the past few days:
-Told me he loves with me, implied the possible intention of marriage? Also implied me waiting on him when he has his summer job in Maine.
-Carried me home when I got sick at a friend's house, sat with me until he was sure I was okay, and then put me to bed by wrapping me in my favorite blanket and kissing me, after offering to stay by my side the entire night if it would make me feel better.
-Bought me expensive, professional-quality sewing scissors, and was incredibly insistent when I tried to refuse
-Spent the entire night last night up with me while I was sewing, would occasionally just randomly stroke my hair or give me back rubs and hugs.
-Brought me breakfast this morning while I was working.
Excuse me, sir. WHAT?!
If there are exceptions, it's not a rule. It's maybe some old adage, or even a practice among certain people, but it doesn't hold true for anyone unless they choose it to.
He also fully disproved my strong suspicions of cheating, which... I didn't think was possible, but he presented some pretty difficult to refute arguments.
There were little nitpicky things, some to do with my family (and here, we get into the "implied marriage" thing) because he was scared of ending up marrying into a family as unstable as the relationship with my mom is.
Another contributing factor was that he didn't feel right continuing to further the physical side of the relationship when he had doubts about it from his side of things. In my opinion, nitpicky... but it seems to really matter to him.
It's really complicated. I had a minor panic attack when it dawned on me that he even CONSIDERED marrying me; not because he's not great or I hadn't thought about it at all, but because I can't actually imagine ANYONE wanting to marry me, particularly after only dating for four months. Upon me realizing this and freaking out about it a little, I found that several of the people close around me saw this intention in him all along.
SO I DON'T KNOW. I'm honestly pretty overwhelmed. All I know is, he still looks at me like I'm the most precious thing in the whole goddamn world and is adoring and supportive and sweet all over again.
It was easier to deal with just being angry...
Regardless, just take care of yourself and be careful, I guess? Not to sound lecturing, but...Put your own mental health first.
also:
Go away for AT MINIMUM 3 days where you will not see him and will not have other responsibilities. (This can include driving time.) You need some time to think about you without having cuddles and lovins clouding your thoughts.
After you have had a chance to decompress and relax a little bit, you need to put yourself in isolation. Find a place to sit/meditate/think where you won't be bothered for at least a few hours. Mine was outside on a wooden stage in front of an empty amphitheater, but inside should work just fine if you can find a place with no distractions. That means no TV, no radio, no music, no reading. If you have something simple and repetitive you like to do with your hands, like knitting, that will actually help. But nothing where you actually have to seriously engage your brain, and nothing where you can turn your brain off completely and just consume. You have to be able to let your mind wander and actively think. Think about the things that have made you happy and the things that have made you mad, and why. It will help you understand why you reacted that way and give you some insight into yourself.
If it works, this will help you figure out what you need out of a relationship, what you want in a partnership if you are going to get married someday, how you feel about yourself, and most of all the things you DON'T KNOW about all of those things. It's ok to not know what you need as long as you acknowledge that and try to find out before making major commitments. A boyfriend can be a good person to help you explore those unknown needs and wants, but it works better if you can talk about it up front and say, "Hey, there are some things I still need to figure out about me. If you are okay with me working those out before taking big steps, then that's cool. Otherwise we need to go our separate ways."
Once you figure out what it is you think you need, don't compromise those things. People who want to be with you can try to convince you why your needs aren't really needs. You know yourself better than they do. It's okay to love someone and not be with them. The important thing is for everybody to be in a relationship that is actually good for them, not just one they think they want. If it's not meeting your needs (or actively working on meeting your needs), then it's not good for you.
People think I'm joking, because it sounds funny, but I'm really not.
The world would be a better place, if people would just masturbate more often. See, Fictional biden knows what's up.
Also, January 1976, Daina House. Also, interesting hidden joke - That issue of playboy had the start of a brand new series: Assassination in America. Which is either an amazing coincidence, or the most obscure, well hidden jab I've seen for a long time.
Really, my memory is patchy, I've got weird obscure shit all through my brain, but it's hardly consistent. I'll know about the archeological theory and problems behind what is commonly reported as "Gay Cavemen", and I know that a .300 win mag will drop about 36 feet over 1000m and will take 1.8 seconds to get there, but it took me 3 years to remember my own fucking phone number.