George.. does this mean you WILL fix my computer??
No, fuck off! :P
People change. I noticed a marked person change, I just don't buy or like to wear geeky t-shirts any more. I think they're kinda juvenile.
That's a small change that is perfectly understandable. I used to like to decorate by covering everything in wall scrolls. Now I try to decorate like an IKEA catalog with more subtle geekery. That's not the kind of drastic change where you go from completely loving and getting along with a person so much you want to marry them to bossing them around and disregarding their feelings.
Little changes add up to a big change over time. This isn't a bit flip that happens in the night after 10 years.
I think he means in regards to affection. But you don't like hugs. I would hug you, but I know you don't like that.
I also think that some people need that person that they can put most of their trust into emotionally. To have a person who can support you when you are at your most vulnerable is a very precious thing and vice versa.
Exactly. Scott, you're cool, but I'm not gonna cuddle with you.
Exactly. Scott, you're cool, but I'm not gonna cuddle with you.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! Cuddling can be nice in the right circumstances, but how come some people just need to cuddle so badly they will make really poor choices in big life decisions for the sake of cuddling? How many people do you know who chose what university to go to because their high school sweetheart was going there?
This is true, but how can there be such a drastic change? Is it really that common for someone to go from totally nerding out and going to conventions and then ten year's later throwing the spouse's nerdy things in the trash?
Also, this could just be anecdotal, but I only notice this problem really happening in old and middle aged people. The young people I know are nerdy people married to nerdy people totally nerding out like crazy. Are all of those couples doomed to de-geekify in a decade or two? If so, that is very sad.
How can there be such a drastic change? Because your brain chemistry changes that drastically. Hormone balances have changed fairly radically by the time you're 50 or 60.
Nobody's "doomed" per se - it's really more of a certain fundamental uncertainty. I'll agree that lots of people seem to make poor decisions about life partners, but even the best-made decision is subject to this uncertainty. I mean, people can just go crazy. Literally. It happens.
Or maybe you stop geeking out because you no longer get the same dopamine response that you used to.
You also need to realize that the younger geeky people we know haven't been married for 30 years. Time changes things - not all relationships are going to end prematurely, but some will.
Again, welcome to biology. Shit can happen beyond your control, and we can't fix it.
EDIT: Also, many many small changes add up to big changes. OMG EVOLUTION!
Exactly. Scott, you're cool, but I'm not gonna cuddle with you.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! Cuddling can be nice in the right circumstances, but how come some people just need to cuddle so badly they will make really poor choices in big life decisions for the sake of cuddling? How many people do you know who chose what university to go to because their high school sweetheart was going there?
Can't help you with that one, I don't quite understand it myself.
How come some people just need to cuddle so badly they will make really poor choices in big life decisions for the sake of cuddling?
It's not really a knowable thing, at least within the current limitations of our observations. I don't know how it is for you, but my impulses have never been particularly strong to do something that seems obviously dumb to get laid. But I am aware they exist. It's just really easy for me to get past it, and move on. But I can't just discredit other people because I don't understand them - in as much as I don't want them to discredit me unfairly (as often happens) because it's so easy for me get past things. I might be strong, they might be weak, or maybe I'm looking at the spectrum from an entirely wrong hypothesis.
I get the impression, at least in all the cases I've personally witnessed, that the partners who attack/minimize the geeky interests in the other person were themselves feigning tolerance of said interests from the very beginning, fully expecting them to "grow out of it."
I can't imagine dating someone and not realizing this was the case.
How come some people just need to cuddle so badly they will make really poor choices in big life decisions for the sake of cuddling?
It's not really a knowable thing, at least within the current limitations of our observations. I don't know how it is for you, but my impulses have never been particularly strong to do something that seems obviously dumb to get laid. But I am aware they exist. It's just really easy for me to get past it, and move on. But I can't just discredit other people because I don't understand them - in as much as I don't want them to discredit me unfairly (as often happens) because it's so easy for me get past things. I might be strong, they might be weak, or maybe I'm looking at the spectrum from an entirely wrong hypothesis.
I'm the same way. There is definitely biology in me that definitely wants to do dumb biological things. It's just that my intellectual brain goes meta and recognizes it as a biological urge and then I don't do that.
I get the impression, at least in all the cases I've personally witnessed, that the partners who attack/minimize the geeky interests in the other person were themselves feigning tolerance of said interests from the very beginning, fully expecting them to "grow out of it."
I can't imagine dating someone and not realizing this was the case.
I did. It's easy to do. They say something, and you trust them to be telling the truth. They seem upset, you ask what's wrong, and they say, "Oh, it's nothing." Or they lie to you about something else.
See, now, you could sit there and mistrust everything someone says, but that makes for a rather unhealthy relationship. That's the thing about needing trust in order for a relationship to work - you can get burned if someone is lying. So you have to accept what they say as the truth - and that creates the opportunity for someone to exist in a state of perpetual lying.
Eventually the facade will crack, and they'll straight-up admit it, or you'll get suspicious and broach the topic. Generally, though, once you suspect a partner of consistently lying to you that pervasively, your relationship is pretty close to broken.
You need to realize that emotions and ideas actually change over time. Literally. Your brain chemistry changes throughout a relationship. So what was a fantastic idea to start with may wind up being a bad idea 20 years later.
In no way does the potential future failure of a relationship necessarily mean that the thing was a bad idea from the start. Certainly, many relationships are bad ideas from the start, but many relationships have a time and a place.
Just because your emotions are simple doesn't mean everyone's emotions are simple. It's all chemistry, and the chemistry does not function consistently from person to person. Biology is sloppy.
That's true. Relationships are like any friendship. Some last a really long time or throughout life, some start strong and then the people involved change or grow apart somehow. I just want people to be more honest with themselves when there are problems in relationships, so they can fix them or decide to part ways relatively peacefully. I have never had a divorce, but I did change families when I was living in Japan. My first host family had four kids in a small condo, two of whom had to give up their room for me, and there was a lot of stress caused by having an exchange student. When I realized after a few months that it wasn't working out, I felt terrible, I blamed myself, I felt like a failure as an exchange student. Now I realize that it was okay, and everyone was happier with the result. I am very close to my second homestay family. I think divorces can be like that. It's like being free from a huge emotional pressure and from a sadness.
Joe, this week is the one year anniversary of signing my divorce papers which was one year to the day of me moving out. I'm here if you want to talk.
That's really nice. I know you guys used to have big flame wars and I like your extension of the proverbial olive branch. I think you have become way more laid back and good to talk to these past few years.
@ Steve - Good advice, but I've been lonely for too long. I'm dating the first acceptable woman I find. I want to find someone who doesn't need to be told the difference between Captain Marvel and Captain Mar-Vell. Of course, that actually may take much longer than the year you mention just in the finding.
Also - I'm having a ball doing things she would not like, such as getting everything in black. Black sheets, black shower curtains, black furniture, etc. If I want a motor cycle, I can damn well get a motorcycle. If I want a pet crow (or raven, ferret, goat, owl, etc.), I can damn well get one. This list can go on and on.
Be aware that nerd girls and boys have mad drama too. Just nerdy does not mean good partner. What I recommend is to hang out with a lot of people, visit SciFi clubs and try to meet people through meetups, but always test the water first. Casual dating, "hanging out", not a lot of physical stuff right away. I think a lot of girls appreciate when people seek them out for their company, rather than for hot and heavy romance right off the bat. In other words, make lots of female friends. That way you know who is crazy and who you can depend on. The girlfriend who is the most compatible is the one who you really pursue romantically for the making out. Also, what kind of girl turns down a pet crow? I would love a pet crow. If we had bought that house in Beacon, I was going to get a pie-tin, weigh it down with rocks, put it in a high place and put any old meat in it so I could watch the crows come hang out. My mom feeds the crows and they get all friendly and playful. Seriously, I would not date a guy who does not love most animals. That is one of my huge requirements. Liking animals, even weird ones like ratties, speaks of compassion and empathy. I lucked out with Rym. Best Bunny Daddy!
I'm the same way. There is definitely biology in me that definitely wants to do dumb biological things. It's just that my intellectual brain goes meta and recognizes it as a biological urge and then I don't do that.
I'm definitely always meta in my own head, and trying to be meta about what's going on in everyone's head at the same time. It obviously creeps into a lot of things and ruins them for me, "Why did I enjoy this?" But it's also like a superpower sometimes.
Just a random aside... IIRC, you don't drink. I didn't till after I was in college for a while. I remember many people making implications that if I was ever drunk, I'd behave completely differently. Basically they thought I couldn't "really" be the person I am, and put a few pints in me and I'd act rediculous and irrationally - that I was just covering for something. Well my mettle has been tested in this way, and I've proven that I'm the same guy nomatter what. And I trust my autopilot even while innebriated. I dunno what that's worth, but it's something.
@gomi- I have never had a girl go from friend to sex friend. In my experience the relationship always stays on the same course that is established on. The only exception is when there is a large contact gap.
For example girls I was friends with in school and lost contact with for years now see me as potential sex partner. Those I never lost contact with still stick to friendship.
@gomi- I have never had a girl go from friend to sex friend. In my experience the relationship always stays on the same course that is established on. The only exception is when there is a large contact gap.
For example girls I was friends with in school and lost contact with for years now see me as potential sex partner. Those I never lost contact with still stick to friendship.
Really? I've found that a lot of people harbor attractions to people they are friends with or encounter and usually bury it. It doesn't take a lot to bring that up to the surface. Usually availability. A lot of girls I know who become single usually don't remain that way for long as some guy who she was friends with all this time takes the chance now that she is available.
I might just be bad at recognizing hints from the ladies. Considering I remember a girl taking me back to her place in my 20's and after she took her shirt off the voice in my head said, "I think she wants you to kiss her."
Really? I've found that a lot of people harbor attractions to people they are friends with or encounter and usually bury it. It doesn't take a lot to bring that up to the surface. Usually availability. A lot of girls I know who become single usually don't remain that way for long as some guy who she was friends with all this time takes the chance now that she is available.
It's all about being honest. Once you like them, you have to tell them straight out. You can't act like "just a friend" and automatically assume something will happen. You have to make it happen, by telling them straight out that you like them. The befriending is to get to know people so you understand them to be a good partner or to know if they are right for you.
George.. does this mean you WILL fix my computer??
No, fuck off! :P
He only does that for girls. Thanks, George.
What computer of your's did I fix? I vaguely remember hooking up a VCR, margaritas, a llama, potions, and an evil kitten.
You made the internet work on my old-ass desktop a few summers ago.
Also, you should have seen Pete attempting to re-wire the VCR back to a DVD player. It was almost as amusing as watching him play Mario and die on the first Goomba.
Talking to Tick or me? Because if it's me, that's a very easy target.
Both of ya. Of course it was an easy target. That's why I hit it!
Speaking of my hobbies, Joe, do you have hobbies through which you can get involved in social gatherings? I'd suggest that as a primary vector for connections to compatible ladies.
Hey now, my ass is youthful and perky! That's why I hit it!
This is just FAR too easy. However, I agree about hobbies. Whatever the hell you want to do, just do it. If you are into science, go volunteer at a science museum. If you love robots, go build a robot and whatever. If you want to do awesome RC aviation or cars, do it! Find compatible ladies or things there.
Comments
Nobody's "doomed" per se - it's really more of a certain fundamental uncertainty. I'll agree that lots of people seem to make poor decisions about life partners, but even the best-made decision is subject to this uncertainty. I mean, people can just go crazy. Literally. It happens.
Or maybe you stop geeking out because you no longer get the same dopamine response that you used to.
You also need to realize that the younger geeky people we know haven't been married for 30 years. Time changes things - not all relationships are going to end prematurely, but some will.
Again, welcome to biology. Shit can happen beyond your control, and we can't fix it.
EDIT: Also, many many small changes add up to big changes. OMG EVOLUTION!
I can't imagine dating someone and not realizing this was the case.
See, now, you could sit there and mistrust everything someone says, but that makes for a rather unhealthy relationship. That's the thing about needing trust in order for a relationship to work - you can get burned if someone is lying. So you have to accept what they say as the truth - and that creates the opportunity for someone to exist in a state of perpetual lying.
Eventually the facade will crack, and they'll straight-up admit it, or you'll get suspicious and broach the topic. Generally, though, once you suspect a partner of consistently lying to you that pervasively, your relationship is pretty close to broken.
Also, what kind of girl turns down a pet crow? I would love a pet crow. If we had bought that house in Beacon, I was going to get a pie-tin, weigh it down with rocks, put it in a high place and put any old meat in it so I could watch the crows come hang out. My mom feeds the crows and they get all friendly and playful.
Seriously, I would not date a guy who does not love most animals. That is one of my huge requirements. Liking animals, even weird ones like ratties, speaks of compassion and empathy. I lucked out with Rym. Best Bunny Daddy!
Just a random aside... IIRC, you don't drink. I didn't till after I was in college for a while. I remember many people making implications that if I was ever drunk, I'd behave completely differently. Basically they thought I couldn't "really" be the person I am, and put a few pints in me and I'd act rediculous and irrationally - that I was just covering for something. Well my mettle has been tested in this way, and I've proven that I'm the same guy nomatter what. And I trust my autopilot even while innebriated. I dunno what that's worth, but it's something.
For example girls I was friends with in school and lost contact with for years now see me as potential sex partner. Those I never lost contact with still stick to friendship.
Also, Pete; <3333333 so much.
Also, you should have seen Pete attempting to re-wire the VCR back to a DVD player. It was almost as amusing as watching him play Mario and die on the first Goomba.
Speaking of my hobbies, Joe, do you have hobbies through which you can get involved in social gatherings? I'd suggest that as a primary vector for connections to compatible ladies.