Man, I tell you, I would have trouble dating a guy who was picky about things. Not only food (I enjoy interesting and varied tastes and cuisines) but they need to always try new experiences and venture outside their sphere of knowledge. I like hanging out with people who are mildly adventurous. Axel, I gotta say, if I dated you, I would be the worst girlfriend because I would always be bothering you to eat a food. Picky eating without medical or moral justification is one of my pet peeves. Also, that cartoon is a lie. Thin guys are totally hot, and not only chubby guys are warm. Rym is skinny and he radiates warmth like a space heater. I think he is part dragon.
Yeah, I hold no grudges against my second ex for bothering me about it, I just can't deal with it. Different people have different needs. Some people need open-ness and whatnot, and I just need someone who's okay with me as a person.
But it's like if someone only wanted to watch American television and you REALLY wanted to show them this awesome Japanese movie but it had subtitles so they nixed it. I think that people can learn to challenge themselves. I want someone who pushes me outside my comfort zone every once in a while, gets me to walk through the night cloud forest. They still respect me as a person, but there is no harm in trying to broaden someone's comfort zone if they are willing to try and change. That's how we grow and learn. You can either be scared forever, or you can face your fears and eat a piece of sushi. I mean, Rym accepts that I am an anxious person, but he also tries to make me not so anxious, because it is a quality that limits me.
But at the same time, if someone's mental health relies on them being able to change me and get me to try things, our relationship is doomed to be upset. They need to be okay with me having limitations that I can fail to overcome. If my ability to overcome my limitations is the only thing that could make our relationship work, it makes me feel inadequate, like I'm not good enough. It gives me the greatest pressure in the world, because then I know from the start the relationship has a high chance of failure.
You should never feel "good enough." If you ever feel good enough, you will stop getting better. Sometimes you try and fail, sometimes there are limits where people need to say, whoa, not yet, I am not climbing all the way up that cliff. The fact that someone never even tries is a problem. You will be stuck in that spot forever.
Edit: Also, it should never be the partner who does most of the changing. They should act as encouragement, but it should be you testing your limits. If you don't, you will stagnate and be trapped forever by your fear.
That may be true, but at the same time, when said person also is trying to make me more self-confident, and also needs me to be self-confident in myself in order to be happy, this becomes contradictory. I'm not good enough with the food I like and the social situations I'm willing to go to, I need to expand myself, but I need to be confident in myself as well. You're not happy with who I am, but I have to like who I am.
I'm sorry, it's just kinda fucked up. I don't think I'm asking too much for someone who isn't that interested in changing my diet. I want to fix the confidence thing, I really do, but I can't be confident in myself if I feel like someone I'm dating isn't happy with who I am and only wants what I could be.
I kinda think you should always feel "good enough". If you have to depend on not feeling "good enough" to find motivation to "get better" that strikes me as problematic.
I feel like you should always feel good enough in a relationship, is my ultimate point. If your girlfriend is having nervous breakdowns because you don't try enough food or aren't capable enough socially, it makes you feel like you're screwed up. If she's then also on your case about being more confident, it makes you feel like you have no winning moves. That kind of a relationship is ultimately caustic.
Yeah, while Asperger's certainly makes things more challenging, you still have to nut up a little as you get older, Axel, or else you're gonna end up the stereotypical basement nerd type.
Okay, let me clarify. I am interested in many things, but chief among my interests are art, athletics, and foreign languages. I think I am "good" at these things. I am proud when I beat my time running, or have a good Japanese conversation, or draw something well. I feel good, but I never feel satisfied, never want to stop getting better and perfecting my abilities. The same goes for myself as an overall person. I could always be better at things, I could always be calmer, less afraid, wiser, kinder. I am happy at myself and who I am, but never completely done changing.
Basically, yes, you are screwed up. You could be better. Are you happy with how you are? Would you like to be more confident and more adventurous? Accepting "you" does not mean accepting you that is immobile, unchanging. Who would want to never change? Being understanding of someone's deficiencies does not mean not helping them with these challenges or encouraging them to confront them.
I agree with all of that except that I'm also generally satisfied. It's not a lack of satisfaction that motivates me to improve. Being content with everything kinda comes naturally to me the vast majority of the time.
I guess I just mean that I need someone who isn't going to be upset and afraid for the status of our relationship when I don't want to try some food. I need someone who can be happy with me while also admitting that I have issues. I need someone who doesn't want me to be a screw-up, but who also doesn't make me feel like a screw-up about my various issues. I need to feel like I'm not making things worse. If I feel like my eating habits are making people upset and bothered, it makes me feel like a bad person, which makes me feel like I'm even less capable of fixing myself.
It would definitely be the odd couple. Granted, we are more alike than I may let on. I am often very nervous and self-concious in social situations. I get really worn out after socializing, but I don't like being that way so I try to be social a lot and power through. I've gotten a lot more confident by putting myself out there and meeting new people.
As an introvert with decades of experience, it gets way, way easier to talk to people and make small talk, although I still have trouble with certain types of people. Managers, bureaucrats... probably the same types that everyone has a little trouble with but I have a lot of trouble faking sincere interest so I can't really schmooze.
It never really gets any less exhausting to deal with people. I need lots of alone time and usually stay up late at night to get it.
I find it more curious than anything. The only issue you face with any relationship is that eating food is a large part of your life. People like to share experiences with each other, especially the ones they love. New foods are always a unique experience. Most anyone you're with is going to find some discontent with your eating habits unless they have the same habits or simply don't care. I wouldn't bet on the latter though.
My wife is actually the best person for me, but I could never have guessed that I would end up with someone like her. She's nothing like me, doesn't enjoy any of the same hobbies, and has very few of the same interests. Our personalities are compatible, though, on a very basic level. She's interested in everything, and I'm interested in everything. She is also very social and loves going out and doing things, while I'd much rather sit inside and not do anything. She doesn't really like that about me, but sometimes tolerates it.
It did push me enough to be able to make some new friends though. Which is awesome, in the long run.
That said, there's not much in the way of cited sources or research that I'm finding to back-up this particular classification that breaks up introversion and such.
My wife has basically nothing in common with me, either. She doesn't get any of my hobbies, though some of them interest her slightly. We're both introverts, though, although she enjoys visiting family and I hate it. I'd never have thought we'd be together either.
Dude ROE, that sounds almost exactly like me and my girlfriend haha. We actually have pretty similar music tastes and very similar humor though.
Yeah, I'm corrupting her pretty quickly with my twisted sense of humor. She still doesn't see the humor in telling someone they should drown themselves though. That might be because I'm an awful human being though.
My boyfriend and I have a lot of similar interests. It would be nice if he was into music as much as I am, but it's not a big deal. At least he doesn't mind my music.
Over the years, I've assimilated him to the better tastes of the world.
I need to feel like I'm not making things worse. If I feel like my eating habits are making people upset and bothered, it makes me feel like a bad person, which makes me feel like I'm even less capable of fixing myself.
See, there is the problem. Taking flaws to mean that you, as a whole, are a bad person. People need to understand that no one is perfect, and getting mad at someone because they have flaws is silly. Getting mad at someone because they have a problem won't ever solve things, but I can understand getting frustrated by someone who refuses to confront their problems or make an effort to work on them.
I know Rym wishes I didn't worry about things, but I never think that he thinks I am a bad person because I do. The difference is that we both work to mitigate the harm our flaws do and if we can't fully get rid of them, we try to at least sand down the edges.
Also, I have another example: Even when I have disagreed with your opinions on the forums, that never made me mad at you. I think people get mad at you when you retreat from debate or take it personally. It isn't the initial disagreement that frustrated them, it is the fact that you refused to even engage. It is the running away part that gets people's collective goat. I have no doubt that your ex had some issues of her own, but I think you are also scared of change.
This is how I think it works best to think: 1. I have a flaws, but I am still a Good Person. 2. To the best of my ability, if that flaw limits or hurts me, I will fight it even if it is hard. 3. I will support the people I care about in their fight against their flaws too.
The only thing I'm ever sort of bummed about is that she's not really interested in video games and as a result never wants to play with me. All she ever wants to play is Sudoku on her computer
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Also, that cartoon is a lie. Thin guys are totally hot, and not only chubby guys are warm. Rym is skinny and he radiates warmth like a space heater. I think he is part dragon.
I mean, Rym accepts that I am an anxious person, but he also tries to make me not so anxious, because it is a quality that limits me.
The fact that someone never even tries is a problem. You will be stuck in that spot forever.
Edit: Also, it should never be the partner who does most of the changing. They should act as encouragement, but it should be you testing your limits. If you don't, you will stagnate and be trapped forever by your fear.
I'm sorry, it's just kinda fucked up. I don't think I'm asking too much for someone who isn't that interested in changing my diet. I want to fix the confidence thing, I really do, but I can't be confident in myself if I feel like someone I'm dating isn't happy with who I am and only wants what I could be.
I'm all for telling Axel to man up though.
And I'm not completely asocial, jeez, I have friends and I interact with people.
I am interested in many things, but chief among my interests are art, athletics, and foreign languages. I think I am "good" at these things. I am proud when I beat my time running, or have a good Japanese conversation, or draw something well. I feel good, but I never feel satisfied, never want to stop getting better and perfecting my abilities. The same goes for myself as an overall person. I could always be better at things, I could always be calmer, less afraid, wiser, kinder. I am happy at myself and who I am, but never completely done changing.
Basically, yes, you are screwed up. You could be better. Are you happy with how you are? Would you like to be more confident and more adventurous? Accepting "you" does not mean accepting you that is immobile, unchanging. Who would want to never change? Being understanding of someone's deficiencies does not mean not helping them with these challenges or encouraging them to confront them.
It would definitely be the odd couple.
Granted, we are more alike than I may let on. I am often very nervous and self-concious in social situations. I get really worn out after socializing, but I don't like being that way so I try to be social a lot and power through. I've gotten a lot more confident by putting myself out there and meeting new people.
It never really gets any less exhausting to deal with people. I need lots of alone time and usually stay up late at night to get it.
It did push me enough to be able to make some new friends though. Which is awesome, in the long run.
That said, there's not much in the way of cited sources or research that I'm finding to back-up this particular classification that breaks up introversion and such.
Over the years, I've assimilated him to the better tastes of the world.
I know Rym wishes I didn't worry about things, but I never think that he thinks I am a bad person because I do. The difference is that we both work to mitigate the harm our flaws do and if we can't fully get rid of them, we try to at least sand down the edges.
Also, I have another example: Even when I have disagreed with your opinions on the forums, that never made me mad at you. I think people get mad at you when you retreat from debate or take it personally. It isn't the initial disagreement that frustrated them, it is the fact that you refused to even engage. It is the running away part that gets people's collective goat. I have no doubt that your ex had some issues of her own, but I think you are also scared of change.
This is how I think it works best to think:
1. I have a flaws, but I am still a Good Person.
2. To the best of my ability, if that flaw limits or hurts me, I will fight it even if it is hard.
3. I will support the people I care about in their fight against their flaws too.
You mustn't run away, You mustn't run away...