In my book, the most important thing is knowing where you stand so you can make a decision about how to act based on the most complete information possible.
Right, but from what I'm reading, he has conflicting half-information:
She is unsure about, apparently, everything.
OK, that happens.
What she's doing now is basically considering us as half-dating, because she said there's a part of her right now that still wants to cling on and be with me
But when someone says they "don't know what they want," but they do know they want to keep doing something, that's almost always a recipe for disaster. She can't give a clear answer about what their relationship is, and can't articulate her needs or wants. OK, fine, people do that, but you shouldn't be involved with a person who can't figure out what they want from you.
Then there's the part where she doesn't want to talk about how she feels - though she might be feeling badgered:
she hates me asking her any questions about how she feels because she really apparently doesn't know
And then when you say something like this:
If you love someone, you care about their happiness more than your own.
you're headed for disaster.
There's nothing wrong with a temporary relationship, but if someone can't even define what it is that they're involved in, you've got a problem.
If she's being up front and honest about her intentions, what is the big deal? It sounds like she's giving Axel all of the information she has about how she is feeling. She's already told him it's unlikely to pan out. It's his choice how he acts on it. Just because a relationship has a foreseeable end doesn't mean it has to be ended right away!
You people are all acting like you are deathly afraid of temporary relationships. In my book, the most important thing is knowing where you stand so you can make a decision about how to act based on the most complete information possible.
Based on the information he's giving us, she seems like she's either trying to let him down slowly (like Sail said) or just emotionally manipulate him for personal gain (even if that's not her express intent). Either way, dude's probably going to end up heartbroken and waiting to see if things get better is going to make the comedown even worse. It's not that it's a temporary relationship; it's the details of this particular one. She's talking about "half-dating" to "cling" to him for a bit, and he's talking about being so in love with her that he'd have a panic attack and stop attending class if she broke up with him. That's not a healthy degree of reciprocity. I am all in favor of the "This probably won't last more than six months, but you think I'm awesome, and I think you're awesome, so let's have some fun" type of relationship. However, unrequited love is like a Band-Aid: the slower you remove it, the worse it is.
I don't know what kind of role you play in your relationship, but you should ensure that you at least demand some respect. If you want to have a temporary, open relationship (and it doesn't sound like you do) that's fine. Have one. If you don't want one you shouldn't settle for it. If you cant assert yourself and require that someone respect the kind of relationship you're interested in having it sets you up for the disappointing role of future doormat and unfulfilled emotional dumping ground. No one but a megalomaniac wants someone following them around meekly submitting to everything they say, and the fact that your GF has literally come out and told you not to ask her about feelings for you just screams that she knows she doesn't have any significant ones, or wants to be in a relationship that she doesn't think yours could ever be. It also says that you ask too often for her to be comfortable blowing it off. You should tell her you want a relationship on your terms, that you want a relationship where the other persons feelings for you are important enough to discuss, and that if she cant commit to that then you would rather be friends and not date. This doesn't have to be an emotional outburst, but it will be if you let it go on. It doesn't sound like she would be angry with you. If you part it will be as friends, and as people who can respect each other. If you keep it up you're doing both of you a disservice, and just fostering resentment between each other at the same time as you close the door on your own chances of being happy.
It sounds like Axel just needs to experience getting his heart broken. I know what its like to think you love someone, ignore everyone's advice, then get cheated on and broken up with, and do the whole mopey thing. And then afterward I realized what a retard I was for crying over such a scuzbucket. I learned by lesson and never let that happen again. :P
It sounds like Axel just needs to experience getting his heart broken. I know what its like to think you love someone, ignore everyone's advice, then get cheated on and broken up with, and do the whole mopey thing. And then afterward I realized what a retard I was for crying over such a scuzbucket. I learned by lesson and never let that happen again. :P
Well, he's not listening to us, so that's the likely outcome anyway.
It sounds like Axel just needs to experience getting his heart broken. I know what its like to think you love someone, ignore everyone's advice, then get cheated on and broken up with, and do the whole mopey thing. And then afterward I realized what a retard I was for crying over such a scuzbucket. I learned by lesson and never let that happen again. :P
That's pretty much what needs to happen, imo.
The main concern here really is his mental health and his reactions. People have told him many times to go see the school counselor or possibly seek a therapist, but I don't know if he has and he doesn't seem to have because of what he says what will happen if things ended.
Yes, having your heart broken sucks. It's not the end of the world. If you let one person like that really affect you to where you say you can't deal with normal life, then you really should seek professional help and personal soul searching.
Also Axel said that more than likely his girlfriend might be reading this thread. How do you think she would react to all these conversations about it?
The main concern here really is his mental health and his reactions. People have told him many times to go see the school counselor or possibly seek a therapist, but I don't know if he has and he doesn't seem to have because of what he says what will happen if things ended.
Honestly, I'm worried about what will happen when she does end it. Heartbreak and untreated depression is a rather toxic cocktail.
Also Axel said that more than likely his girlfriend might be reading this thread. How do you think she would react to all these conversations about it?
I hope she makes an account and gets in on the action. That'd be fun.
Also Axel said that more than likely his girlfriend might be reading this thread. How do you think she would react to all these conversations about it?
If I were her I'd be really creeped out...
Actually, I think it would be better to do the breakup thing now and do the mopey "I hate life" thing during the summer, and then heal by the time school starts. I mean seriously,
She has said that she foresees only a small chance that she'll want to be with me at the end of the summer.
This looks like a breakup to me... but whatev, what do I know? :-P
Also Axel said that more than likely his girlfriend might be reading this thread. How do you think she would react to all these conversations about it?
Pardon me for getting my bastard out, but hopefully, she will understand his side of the puzzle and what it appears to be a bit better, and they both get their shit together.
People talk about other people all the time, whether or not that person is in on the conversation. You do it, I do it, Nuri does it. It's a human behavior. His girlfriend does it too.
Yeah, if someone said, "I really think there's only a small chance we'll be together at the end of the summer," I'd say, "OK, well, see ya. Have fun."
But that's something you have to learn to do, and most people only learn by going through it.
I think you're all bastards. Let Axel fall in love and have his heart broken. It's happened to me enough times, even though not every time was I in love or had my heart broken. I've had enough weird relationships for many albums of songs, and I'm a better person for it. Eg: Falling for a girl online, who lived in another country, only to find out later she was a fake personality created by another couple in a chat room I used to frequent. That sucked! I don't think I've ever shared the full story of that to anyone. The worst thing about it was that it interfered with another real-life relationship in a majorly weird way too. Fucked UP!
I don't think anyone really disagrees, it's just that, if he posts stuff like that here, people are going to try and give him advice whether he wants it or not, and then just become frustrated when he chooses not to take said advice. Maybe Axel needs to learn not to post about things he doesn't need/want advice about, or maybe we just need to not assault people with advice beyond the point where it's clear they don't want it. I don't know.
I think you're all bastards. Let Axel fall in love and have his heart broken. It's happened to me enough times, even though not every time was I in love or had my heart broken. I've had enough weird relationships for many albums of songs, and I'm a better person for it. Eg: Falling for a girl online, who lived in another country, only to find out later she was a fake personality created by another couple in a chat room I used to frequent. That sucked! I don't think I've ever shared the full story of that to anyone. The worst thing about it was that it interfered with another real-life relationship in a majorly weird way too. Fucked UP!
Still, you've got to let the kid live and learn.
If someone puts something on the internet for comment, the onus is not on those making the comments to only tell that person things they want to hear.
I wasn't so much asking for advice, instead just sharing to get it out of my system a bit...
But I was expecting all this. And if she reads this she might agree with all of you and end it because she feels she's manipulating me.
And on the subject of her not knowing being a bad sign, haven't any of you ever been confused and not understood something? Had two conflicting emotions or ideas and found both of them completely valid? It can happen, and I'd be amazed if it never happened to any of you. I understand that she's honestly not sure where she'll end up in a few months, but right now, we can have fun together hanging out, doing our project together, getting dinner, cosplaying for Tora-con, and just having a good time. At the very least, what will happen is our relationship could gradually turn back into a friendship on it's own if certain things happen, or it could stay at least partially romantic until the summer and end there, or any number of other possibilities. There's so many different endings to this, and honestly, the one where it ends now isn't good for me in the short-term for several months. The rest of this month and most of next month will require that we be in close proximity to one another a lot, and so better for us to be together now while we're around each other and deal with the rest of this stuff over the summer when we start to remember what it's like to be alone for a long period of time.
And on the subject of her not knowing being a bad sign, haven't any of you ever been confused and not understood something? Had two conflicting emotions or ideas and found both of them completely valid? It can happen, and I'd be amazed if it never happened to any of you. I understand that she's honestly not sure where she'll end up in a few months, but right now, we can have fun together hanging out, doing our project together, getting dinner, cosplaying for Tora-con, and just having a good time. At the very least, what will happen is our relationship could gradually turn back into a friendship on it's own if certain things happen, or it could stay at least partially romantic until the summer and end there, or any number of other possibilities. There's so many different endings to this, and honestly, the one where it ends now isn't good for me in the short-term for several months. The rest of this month and most of next month will require that we be in close proximity to one another a lot, and so better for us to be together now while we're around each other and deal with the rest of this stuff over the summer when we start to remember what it's like to be alone for a long period of time.
Yes, of course all of these internet tough guys have felt that way (looks at Whaleshark) :-p
Yes, of course all of these internet tough guys have felt that way (looks at Whaleshark) :-p
Not me. Nope. Never been there before. I'm a fucking Casanova. Drama? Never heard of it.
And on the subject of her not knowing being a bad sign, haven't any of you ever been confused and not understood something?
Like I said, yes. But when you're in that position, you shouldn't be clinging to a romantic relationship. That's why we're telling you to move on. It's bad news for everyone involved.
It's not wrong or bad that your girlfriend is unsure, not in any objective sense. But it's bad news for you, who has strong feelings for her.
Maybe. But right now my strong feelings are putting me in a fragile state, and I'd rather have that broken over the summer than right now. My life is too stressful right now to add to that.
And yes, I realize that my behavior about this isn't normal and requires therapy. However, I also know that I'm too stubborn, shy, and nervous to go step into a counselor's office, so...
And yes, I realize that my behavior about this isn't normal and requires therapy. However, I also know that I'm too stubborn, shy, and nervous to go step into a counselor's office, so...
Dude. Your school probably has free counseling. Just go. It helps just to talk to someone impartial about all the stress you are under. Nothing to be nervous about. The counselor is a complete stranger who serves no other function in your life - it doesn't matter what they think of you, so there is no reason to be shy. Just do it.
I never said there was a rational reason behind my emotions, just that they're there and they usually prevent me from doing stuff.
You don't need to tell me that. Emotions don't have to be rational. I have a whole panel presentation about that. The thing you need to do is figure out how to get things done despite those emotions. You can't let them rule you. One way to do that is to say fuck it, put on your shoes, and walk to the counseling office. Or pick up the phone, call, and make an appointment.
I never said there was a rational reason behind my emotions, just that they're there and they usually prevent me from doing stuff.
You don't need to tell me that. Emotions don't have to be rational. I have a whole panel presentation about that. The thing you need to do is figure out how to get things done despite those emotions. You can't let them rule you. One way to do that is to say fuck it, put on your shoes, and walk to the counseling office. Or pick up the phone, call, and make an appointment.
THIS. Once you acknowledge you have an issue and need help, it means you know you can't deal with things yourself anymore. Go to counselling. Take the step and set up and appointment and GO. Figure out what you'll do with that opportunity once you get there, don't over think it. You may think you don't have enough time to spare an appointment, but that isn't true. By what you describe, you'd be much more productive once you've started to deal with these issues. I'm almost positive there's much more to this than your wishy-washy girlfriend, and now is NOT the time to pin all the responsibility on your dynamic with her and hide behind your feelings. Perhaps that sounds harsh, but in the long run I'm saying this for your sake.
So the girl I went to see Tangled with ended up bringing her roommate, so that ended up sucking. That being said, I'm hanging out with her this weekend. I don't really think this is going to go anywhere, but I might as well give it a try in a more controlled environment.
Re: Advice - Don't shit on someone when they don't take your advice, especially since there are multiple bits of advice floating around here. The FRCForums are a breeding ground for people who are opinionated and outspoken, so while Axel should (and does) expect advice from pretty much anyone who has a thought on the subject, don't cry and get uppity when your advice isn't taken and acted upon immediately.
So the girl I went to see Tangled with ended up bringing her roommate, so that ended up sucking. That being said, I'm hanging out with her this weekend. I don't really think this is going to go anywhere, but I might as well give it a try in a more controlled environment.
Yea, she might have cute friends!
Re: Advice - Don't shit on someone when they don't take your advice, especially since there are multiple bits of advice floating around here. The FRCForums are a breeding ground for people who are opinionated and outspoken, so while Axel should (and does) expect advice from pretty much anyone who has a thought on the subject, don't cry and get uppity when your advice isn't taken and acted upon immediately.
Re: Advice - Don't shit on someone when they don't take your advice, especially since there are multiple bits of advice floating around here. The FRCForums are a breeding ground for people who are opinionated and outspoken, so while Axel should (and does) expect advice from pretty much anyone who has a thought on the subject, don't cry and get uppity when your advice isn't taken and acted upon immediately.
No one is crying or getting uppity, Josh. Axel just has this habit of posting and asking for or expecting advice, and then just doing his own thing regardless. Now, that's all well and good, but it starts to waste people's time after a while, and then just looks kind of like attention whoring. I'm not saying it is attention whoring, but it feels like it sometimes.
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Then there's the part where she doesn't want to talk about how she feels - though she might be feeling badgered: And then when you say something like this: you're headed for disaster.
There's nothing wrong with a temporary relationship, but if someone can't even define what it is that they're involved in, you've got a problem.
The main concern here really is his mental health and his reactions. People have told him many times to go see the school counselor or possibly seek a therapist, but I don't know if he has and he doesn't seem to have because of what he says what will happen if things ended.
Yes, having your heart broken sucks. It's not the end of the world. If you let one person like that really affect you to where you say you can't deal with normal life, then you really should seek professional help and personal soul searching.
Also Axel said that more than likely his girlfriend might be reading this thread. How do you think she would react to all these conversations about it?
Actually, I think it would be better to do the breakup thing now and do the mopey "I hate life" thing during the summer, and then heal by the time school starts. I mean seriously, This looks like a breakup to me... but whatev, what do I know? :-P
Yeah, if someone said, "I really think there's only a small chance we'll be together at the end of the summer," I'd say, "OK, well, see ya. Have fun."
But that's something you have to learn to do, and most people only learn by going through it.
Still, you've got to let the kid live and learn.
And I find that this sort of running commentary, as a person experiences and learns, helps to reinforce those lessons.
But I was expecting all this. And if she reads this she might agree with all of you and end it because she feels she's manipulating me.
And on the subject of her not knowing being a bad sign, haven't any of you ever been confused and not understood something? Had two conflicting emotions or ideas and found both of them completely valid? It can happen, and I'd be amazed if it never happened to any of you. I understand that she's honestly not sure where she'll end up in a few months, but right now, we can have fun together hanging out, doing our project together, getting dinner, cosplaying for Tora-con, and just having a good time. At the very least, what will happen is our relationship could gradually turn back into a friendship on it's own if certain things happen, or it could stay at least partially romantic until the summer and end there, or any number of other possibilities. There's so many different endings to this, and honestly, the one where it ends now isn't good for me in the short-term for several months. The rest of this month and most of next month will require that we be in close proximity to one another a lot, and so better for us to be together now while we're around each other and deal with the rest of this stuff over the summer when we start to remember what it's like to be alone for a long period of time.
It's not wrong or bad that your girlfriend is unsure, not in any objective sense. But it's bad news for you, who has strong feelings for her.
And yes, I realize that my behavior about this isn't normal and requires therapy. However, I also know that I'm too stubborn, shy, and nervous to go step into a counselor's office, so...