I contend you learn just as much from breakups as the relationships themselves. It's fine and healthy, although difficult, because it causes you to learn a LOT about yourself and how to handle things. Don't force yourself to be too perky, it's perfectly okay to cry and play video games and eat ice cream. You don't have to cry ON people if that makes you uncomfortable... as I'd often tell my guy friends who had trouble with dealing with people they cared about, "We cry whether people are there to see it or not". Also, I find that things in interpersonal relationships are VERY VERY RARELY one person's "fault". Both parties have some responsibility here so don't blame yourself and don't blame your ex and don't let your ex blame herself. Take some time away from each other though, that will help.
If this post fails to make proper sense, I'm really tired, and I apologize. I'm just here to give my support and a little advice.
Advice: find a creative outlet for your breakup. You can get some really cool songs out of it! And then, when you sing these songs in the future, it attracts other girls. Cool.
Axel, I wrote this in an email the other day. It's about people changing in a relationship, so it might help you out.
At the end of the podcast recording you said, in relation to relationships and finding the perfect partner: "Perfection is self-defeating"
And it not only resonated with me, but made something I've been thinking about for a long time crystal clear in my head. I believe that you can find the perfect girl, and that's what Pola, my last long term girlfriend was for me. I had a pretty clear mental list of things that I wanted from a girl, and if she didn't tick all those boxes, I wouldn't commit completely. Pola matched them all, even to the point that one thing on the list was (quite shallowly) "Has to have good teeth." Pola's father is a dentist.
I made such a list after a prior disastrous relationship I won't go into now.
So when I found Pola, or she found me, she was the perfect girl for me, and I fell in love with her. We had a life together.
But I changed, and she obviously didn't so much, or changed in a different way. She remained the perfect woman for me, but the perfect woman for 24 and 25 year old me. By the time I was 29, I was no longer perfect for her, and while I thought she was perfect for me, it turns out I was merely blinded by love at that point.
And so Pola leaves me, and (in a way that I found quite amusing) finds someone else, and kind of re-lives the early stages of our relationship. Only this time with a younger, taller, better looking guy. They went traveling, and then decided to live together, and then moved to a new place, and set up a home together in a new country, just like Pola and I did.
Pola is the perfect woman for the first few years of a relationship. She'll commit completely, and respond to the same commitment. I had no secure job, and was unsure what I wanted from life, but had big plans, and she was the perfect person to help and support me in this, even as I helped and supported her in her plans and goals. And then her new boyfriend had no secure job, and was unsure of what he wanted from life, but had big plans, and she was again the perfect person to help and support him.
How is this helpful?
Now, of course, I've got to find the new perfect woman. But it won't be someone like Pola, as she was only perfect for 2004 Luke, and I've changed loads since then. I've got a great job and a great apartment and different friends and just a whole other life. I don't need the perfect person to help me change my life, I need the perfect person to help me enjoy the life I have, and be willing to join me in it, as I join them in their already-established life. I don't want someone who doesn't know what they are doing in life, as I've already been through that once, and I don't feel I can support them in the same way that Pola and I supported each other.
And of course, the perfect partner for 2011 Luke won't be the perfect person for 2021 Luke. Perfection, certainly in the face of time, is self-defeating. I need to find someone not-quite-perfect for 2011 Luke, but who will still be not-quite-perfect for 2021 and 2031 Luke, and willing to put up with a not-quite-perfect 2021 Luke as well as a 2031 Luke, rather than someone who is still longing for 2011 Luke in 5 years time, and then leaves me to find someone more like 2011 Luke than 2016 Luke can manage.
I appreciate you guys trying to make me feel better, but I am immune to the advice of doing awesome things to win girls. I know it's all in jest, but honestly, I'm not over Jen, and I won't be for a while. I know I will move on, but I haven't right now, not even close. So please, just understand that all's I'm trying to do right now is maintain my stability in class, do work, and spend the rest of my time trying not to continue thinking about this relationship and why I'm right and Jen clearly should've stayed with me. I know I'm being selfish and immature in those thoughts, so I need to move on. But right now, nothing is doing a good job of distracting me.
I appreciate you guys trying to make me feel better, but I am immune to the advice of doing awesome things to win girls. I know it's all in jest, but honestly, I'm not over Jen, and I won't be for a while. I know I will move on, but I haven't right now, not even close. So please, just understand that all's I'm trying to do right now is maintain my stability in class, do work, and spend the rest of my time trying not to continue thinking about this relationship and why I'm right and Jen clearly should've stayed with me. I know I'm being selfish and immature in those thoughts, so I need to move on. But right now, nothing is doing a good job of distracting me.
No worries man, it took me three years to really get over my ex. It just takes time. You will be OK as long as you don't just end it.
I tried that yesterday. Wasn't helping. Probably because I got lost in my world. I should get a mod that lets me change my spawn-point. I've heard MCedit is good...
I tried that yesterday. Wasn't helping. Probably because I got lost in my world. I should get a mod that lets me change my spawn-point. I've heard MCedit is good...
Play on Tertius. Jason is running a mod that lets you /sethome. Just make sure you don't update to 1.5.
I tried that yesterday. Wasn't helping. Probably because I got lost in my world. I should get a mod that lets me change my spawn-point. I've heard MCedit is good...
Play on Tertius. Jason is running a mod that lets you /sethome. Just make sure you don't update to 1.5.
This is the real reason you didn't come to visit this weekend, isn't it?
I think this is the last thing I'm going to say on the topic of my break-up...
Jen and I agree that the problem is she thrives on excitement. Eventually, I wasn't new and exciting anymore, and she decided to move on. While it hurts me immensely, there's nothing I can do. What this means for her and her future, I'm not one to say. What I do know is that I couldn't have done anything better, because she was always going to get bored and interested in something/someone else instead of me. This is painful to think about, and a bitter part of me wants to be mad...But I can't. I just can't be mad at her. And I don't think I should. I don't think anyone should. The situation is far from even being remotely ideal, because she has apparently understood this about herself for some time. The fact that I'm only beginning to realize this now hurts me. However, it happens to people all the time, and I know I have to move on. I just need a lot of time to be depressed about it. It's not affecting my life too much, I think I've managed to do a good job of functioning, and getting these thoughts out of my head helps a very small amount.
I know Jen is beginning to feel uncomfortable with us talking about her, so I just wanted to say this last thing before I put a general moratorium on talking about my relationship junk any further.
Apparently you could have kept her if you got a motorcycle and a tatoo :-p
Joking aside, this is many relationships especially early in your dating career, people want experiences and they will date someone for a while to get those experiences but eventually they will start looking at other people to get different experiences, it's all part of growing up and figuring out what you want. It sucks but usually it's for the better for a involved.
I suppose. It just stings to know that her longest relationship was 7 months, and ours was 5 months. I was told repeatedly I was better than any other relationship she had been in, yet still, not good enough. I just wish I had known ahead of time that she knew she got tired of things. I guess I just wish I didn't decide to fall for someone who so easily moves on.
Well, to be fair, a lot of people are like that when they're young. It takes almost everyone a while to figure out what they want, and most people learn best through trial and error. You'll continue having experiences and relationships as you mature, and you will change too. Trust me. It's a good thing, even though it hurts right now. I mean, go ahead and be hurt - just remember that there's moving on past this.
Try doing something productive with your time. Accomplish some things. That's part of why I suggested Minecraft - set a goal and achieve it. Minecraft gives you direct feedback in that regard, so it's a nice way to feel good about yourself.
I think the gist of what everyone is saying is: Don't worry, it's normal. You haven't failed life, and you'll do fine.
So, is anyone doing anything special for Easter? I am going to dinner with my boyfriend; his crazy mom has decided that we need to have Easter dinner every night for 3 days. We talked her down to two.
I was told repeatedly I was better than any other relationship she had been in, yet still, not good enough.
From the almighty classic of our time "Army of Darkness" (which I could not find a Youtube video of the quote) Sheila: But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private? Ash: Oh that's just what we call pillow talk, baby, that's all.
But they were a pretty great 5 months were they not?
This is the woman who made Nuri an entire turkey for Thanksgiving. A 16 pound turkey. For Nuri. The other 7 of us? We split a 25 pound turkey. 41 pounds of turkey for 8 people.
This is the woman who made Nuri an entire turkey for Thanksgiving. A 16 pound turkey. For Nuri. The other 7 of us? We split a 25 pound turkey. 41 pounds of turkey for 8 people.
I felt guilty.
You sound like a family of Vikings. Except for the guilt part.
I think the gist of what everyone is saying is: Don't worry, it's normal. You haven't failed life, and you'll do fine.
So, is anyone doing anything special for Easter? I am going to dinner with my boyfriend; his crazy mom has decided that we need to have Easter dinner every night for 3 days. We talked her down to two.
My abuelito cooks an entire goddamn lamb (sometimes two), offal and all (lamb kidneys are godly) and the entire family kills about three cases of Spanish red wine. Spanish Easters are awesome. Unfortunately, they won't be in town this Easter, so we're cooking the lamb with other family members and drinking slightly less wine.
My family rocks on the holidays. Also, the rest of the time.
Comments
If this post fails to make proper sense, I'm really tired, and I apologize. I'm just here to give my support and a little advice.
Or make something like this:
At the end of the podcast recording you said, in relation to relationships and finding the perfect partner: "Perfection is self-defeating"
And it not only resonated with me, but made something I've been thinking about for a long time crystal clear in my head. I believe that you can find the perfect girl, and that's what Pola, my last long term girlfriend was for me. I had a pretty clear mental list of things that I wanted from a girl, and if she didn't tick all those boxes, I wouldn't commit completely. Pola matched them all, even to the point that one thing on the list was (quite shallowly) "Has to have good teeth." Pola's father is a dentist.
I made such a list after a prior disastrous relationship I won't go into now.
So when I found Pola, or she found me, she was the perfect girl for me, and I fell in love with her. We had a life together.
But I changed, and she obviously didn't so much, or changed in a different way. She remained the perfect woman for me, but the perfect woman for 24 and 25 year old me. By the time I was 29, I was no longer perfect for her, and while I thought she was perfect for me, it turns out I was merely blinded by love at that point.
And so Pola leaves me, and (in a way that I found quite amusing) finds someone else, and kind of re-lives the early stages of our relationship. Only this time with a younger, taller, better looking guy. They went traveling, and then decided to live together, and then moved to a new place, and set up a home together in a new country, just like Pola and I did.
Pola is the perfect woman for the first few years of a relationship. She'll commit completely, and respond to the same commitment. I had no secure job, and was unsure what I wanted from life, but had big plans, and she was the perfect person to help and support me in this, even as I helped and supported her in her plans and goals. And then her new boyfriend had no secure job, and was unsure of what he wanted from life, but had big plans, and she was again the perfect person to help and support him.
How is this helpful?
Now, of course, I've got to find the new perfect woman. But it won't be someone like Pola, as she was only perfect for 2004 Luke, and I've changed loads since then. I've got a great job and a great apartment and different friends and just a whole other life. I don't need the perfect person to help me change my life, I need the perfect person to help me enjoy the life I have, and be willing to join me in it, as I join them in their already-established life. I don't want someone who doesn't know what they are doing in life, as I've already been through that once, and I don't feel I can support them in the same way that Pola and I supported each other.
And of course, the perfect partner for 2011 Luke won't be the perfect person for 2021 Luke. Perfection, certainly in the face of time, is self-defeating. I need to find someone not-quite-perfect for 2011 Luke, but who will still be not-quite-perfect for 2021 and 2031 Luke, and willing to put up with a not-quite-perfect 2021 Luke as well as a 2031 Luke, rather than someone who is still longing for 2011 Luke in 5 years time, and then leaves me to find someone more like 2011 Luke than 2016 Luke can manage.
Bitches love towers.
Seriously, go put some holes in the digital earth. It's a nice way to relax.
But I still haven't been able to brew. Stupid weather isn't cooperating.
Jen and I agree that the problem is she thrives on excitement. Eventually, I wasn't new and exciting anymore, and she decided to move on. While it hurts me immensely, there's nothing I can do. What this means for her and her future, I'm not one to say. What I do know is that I couldn't have done anything better, because she was always going to get bored and interested in something/someone else instead of me. This is painful to think about, and a bitter part of me wants to be mad...But I can't. I just can't be mad at her. And I don't think I should. I don't think anyone should. The situation is far from even being remotely ideal, because she has apparently understood this about herself for some time. The fact that I'm only beginning to realize this now hurts me. However, it happens to people all the time, and I know I have to move on. I just need a lot of time to be depressed about it. It's not affecting my life too much, I think I've managed to do a good job of functioning, and getting these thoughts out of my head helps a very small amount.
I know Jen is beginning to feel uncomfortable with us talking about her, so I just wanted to say this last thing before I put a general moratorium on talking about my relationship junk any further.
Joking aside, this is many relationships especially early in your dating career, people want experiences and they will date someone for a while to get those experiences but eventually they will start looking at other people to get different experiences, it's all part of growing up and figuring out what you want. It sucks but usually it's for the better for a involved.
Try doing something productive with your time. Accomplish some things. That's part of why I suggested Minecraft - set a goal and achieve it. Minecraft gives you direct feedback in that regard, so it's a nice way to feel good about yourself.
So, is anyone doing anything special for Easter? I am going to dinner with my boyfriend; his crazy mom has decided that we need to have Easter dinner every night for 3 days. We talked her down to two.
Sheila: But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private?
Ash: Oh that's just what we call pillow talk, baby, that's all.
But they were a pretty great 5 months were they not?
This is the woman who made Nuri an entire turkey for Thanksgiving. A 16 pound turkey. For Nuri. The other 7 of us? We split a 25 pound turkey. 41 pounds of turkey for 8 people.
I felt guilty.
Don't worry life only really gets to that point once you are past 30 and you are getting married.... *runs from fiance*
My family is coming up to see me for Easter. ^_^
My family rocks on the holidays. Also, the rest of the time.