Minus the 2nd one, I really hope that's what summer does for me.
It's just like...We've built up this close relationship for 8 months, and now it apparently means nothing to her. She could take or leave me as a friend. She doesn't value me at all. In any way.
Just so you know, I had a close relationship with my first girlfriend, when we cut it off for (at the time) ambiguous reasons. We tried to still be friends, and I was fine with that, but she ended up needing space, and didn't make it clear when/if we could talk again. Just by virtue of having mutual friends and all that, we eventually were in the same place with one another, having had no contact since we broke that off about 2 months previously. Well, basically over the period of that day of hanging out, we pretty much relaxed with each other and continued to be friends for a good few years.
So, taking a break and cutting off contact for a while is totally fine. If you need to do that to help you get over it, that's completely alright. Obviously I can't predict the future, but I'll just tell you now that it probably doesn't mean anything like "we are never going to speak again," it'll just happen one way or the other. If you guys are comfortable enough with each other to be friends, it'll just happen on its own - you go to the same school, same major, after all.
In support of putting some distance, even two months later any communication with my ex still hurts, because I know that she still cares about me and it makes me feel terrible for breaking up with her, even though I knew it was what I had to do.
It also hurts because I've had terrible luck so far in finding other women whom I like who would be willing to date me, but that's an entirely different story.
This past week I was out of town (Marietta, Georgia to be precise) for my Nonviolent Crisis Intervention instructor re-certification. In the class was a female that twice during breaks chatted up with me a bit. At the end of the first day of class, she asked me if I wanted to grab a bite to eat with her, but when I realized it was just the two of us, turned her down. Two days later, she asks me why I'm shunning her advances. I tell her I'm happily married. I go out for a bit to eat and check out a local comic shop. She was leaving the next morning (she was there for only a two-day renewal), so I figured staying out for a bit would allow me to avoid her. When I returned, she was walking out of the hotel bar with a guy in her arms. She stopped by and asked me what my wife had that she didn't. I told her 20 years of understanding who I was. She then asked sarcastically who would keep me warm in that cold hotel bed tonight. My reply was showing the volumes of the Golgo 13 and Fist of the North Star manga I had picked up.
This past week I was out of town (Marietta, Georgia to be precise) for my Nonviolent Crisis Intervention instructor re-certification. In the class was a female that twice during breaks chatted up with me a bit. At the end of the first day of class, she asked me if I wanted to grab a bite to eat with her, but when I realized it was just the two of us, turned her down. Two days later, she asks me why I'm shunning her advances. I tell her I'm happily married. I go out for a bit to eat and check out a local comic shop. She was leaving the next morning (she was there for only a two-day renewal), so I figured staying out for a bit would allow me to avoid her. When I returned, she was walking out of the hotel bar with a guy in her arms. She stopped by and asked me what my wife had that she didn't. I told her 20 years of understanding who I was. She then asked sarcastically who would keep me warm in that cold hotel bed tonight. My reply was showing the volumes of the Golgo 13 and Fist of the North Star manga I had picked up.
Dude, you are the man! Also, where do you live to so I can get me some Fist of The North Star manga?
This past week I was out of town (Marietta, Georgia to be precise) for my Nonviolent Crisis Intervention instructor re-certification. In the class was a female that twice during breaks chatted up with me a bit. At the end of the first day of class, she asked me if I wanted to grab a bite to eat with her, but when I realized it was just the two of us, turned her down. Two days later, she asks me why I'm shunning her advances. I tell her I'm happily married. I go out for a bit to eat and check out a local comic shop. She was leaving the next morning (she was there for only a two-day renewal), so I figured staying out for a bit would allow me to avoid her. When I returned, she was walking out of the hotel bar with a guy in her arms. She stopped by and asked me what my wife had that she didn't. I told her 20 years of understanding who I was. She then asked sarcastically who would keep me warm in that cold hotel bed tonight. My reply was showing the volumes of the Golgo 13 and Fist of the North Star manga I had picked up.
Not gonna lie, this is probably the greatest thing I've ever read.
So, our date went extremely well. We hung out for about an hour walking around our works campus with her dog and then took off to a dog friendly cafe a few miles down the road where we shared dinner. I had the trout and she had the cobb salad. We also bought Jaxom, her quarter wolf, three quarters Siberian Husky, a plate of chicken. After dinner, we went back to campus where we goofed off for about about hour and half.
She's a much deeper person than I initially suspected (GOOD THING) and I left wanting more. About an hour after parting ways, she texted me saying she had an amazing night.
We're going to Renn Faire tomorrow. =D I'm leaving my garb at home since she's a first timer. I don't want to frighten the poor lass. =D
I met and fell in love with another girl at this past juggling convention, except she doesn't know it, as all we did was chat for a bit. Funnily enough when we first met, and I was admiring the way she hung upside down from the ceiling, I presumed she was young, about 20 or so. That's about the normal age for someone at circus school. The next day she asked how old she I thought she was, and so I said 21, to be kind. Turns out she is 29. I don't think I've ever guessed so wrong before in my whole life.
A friend and I just got rejected by our most recent love interests, so we had a pity party tonight. The gist of the conversation was that we have had extremely similar issues with relationships (romantic and otherwise), we only click with a few people (including each other), and we're both very tired of feeling alone. I can't help but wonder if she was thinking what I was thinking.
I have realized that I am personally incapable of carrying on friendship with my ex right now and being able to deal with it. Staying friends with her is simply a crutch I try to use to ignore my pain that still hasn't gone away, and I usually wind up annoying her significantly. It'd be better for both of us if we kept things good for the rest of the year, and then I cut her off over the summer to get over her. Our close friendship will never come back, because she doesn't really want it all that much anymore, so I have to get over everything. Summer should help me with that, I just needed to accept that things weren't going back to the way they were before we dated. We may never be even remotely close again, and I have to accept that and move on.
Just so you know, I had a close relationship with my first girlfriend, when we cut it off for (at the time) ambiguous reasons. We tried to still be friends, and I was fine with that, but she ended up needing space, and didn't make it clear when/if we could talk again. Just by virtue of having mutual friends and all that, we eventually were in the same place with one another, having had no contact since we broke that off about 2 months previously. Well, basically over the period of that day of hanging out, we pretty much relaxed with each other and continued to be friends for a good few years.
So, taking a break and cutting off contact for a while is totally fine. If you need to do that to help you get over it, that's completely alright. Obviously I can't predict the future, but I'll just tell you now that it probably doesn't mean anything like "we are never going to speak again," it'll just happen one way or the other. If you guys are comfortable enough with each other to be friends, it'll just happen on its own - you go to the same school, same major, after all.
I have realized that I am personally incapable of carrying on friendship with my ex right now and being able to deal with it. Staying friends with her is simply a crutch I try to use to ignore my pain that still hasn't gone away, and I usually wind up annoying her significantly. It'd be better for both of us if we kept things good for the rest of the year, and then I cut her off over the summer to get over her. Our close friendship will never come back, because she doesn't really want it all that much anymore, so I have to get over everything. Summer should help me with that, I just needed to accept that things weren't going back to the way they were before we dated. We may never be even remotely close again, and I have to accept that and move on.
I don't want to be a jerk but, finally! Now, this might lift your spirit in someway. You are welcome!
I know it's normal for couples to take time off, but there's a bit more going on. She tried to be friendly and say she still valued me, but the first thing she thought of for what she'd like to keep talking to me for is so that "She could have someone to tell her summer stories about camp to." Not only does this have nothing to do with me specifically, and could be done with any friend, it's also indicative of the fact that I would be willing to do anything just to have a conversation with her. I am desperate for her attention to make me feel better, and she values absolutely nothing in our friendship. I'm on a destructive path where I've been messaging her rather frequently, and it has to stop cold turkey. I'm cutting myself off permanently. I'll text her for our class project if I need to, I'll do work with her, I'll sit next to her in class, but I am cutting off private communication between us because I need to get rid of my crutch and deal with my fucking emotions.
I hate to say this, but she's evidently not very good at being a friend. Cut yourself off from her the moment school ends. If it helps, I'll be home in two weeks and we'll have lots of time to hang out then.
I know it's normal for couples to take time off, but there's a bit more going on. She tried to be friendly and say she still valued me, but the first thing she thought of for what she'd like to keep talking to me for is so that "She could have someone to tell her summer stories about camp to." Not only does this have nothing to do with me specifically, and could be done with any friend, it's also indicative of the fact that I would be willing to do anything just to have a conversation with her. I am desperate for her attention to make me feel better, and she values absolutely nothing in our friendship.
While things sound sort of horrible, and I'm not telling you NOT to give yourself space (I'm in the "please do give yourself some time and space, it'll help" camp), beware of falling into the trap of assuming just because someone can't pin down good verbal answers that they don't care. Some people (and by your descriptions, your ex is one of them) simply can't put those sort of values, feelings, and thoughts into words effectively. I've gotten myself in PLENTY of trouble in the past trying to get "better answers" or assuming that someone who I thought of as close doesn't care because they have trouble verbalizing.
Here's an example: Me: "So we're really close friends, right? Why is it that you want to be friends with me?" Friend: "Uuhhh, I donno, 'cause we have similar interests? I never really thought about or cared why."
...and that got me really hurt and upset. Sometimes I still have doubts, but pushing for the "right answer" isn't the way to go about things. Take it from someone who's made that mistake too many times.
I suppose. It's more just that she can't come up with any relationship answers quickly, but she very quickly comes up with the one thing she'd like to have me for, which is to talk at and tell her stories.
But I don't think she values me. She didn't really disagree with anything when I brought this all up to her, so...
just because someone can't pin down good verbal answers that they don't care. Some people (and by your descriptions, your ex is one of them) simply can't put those sort of values, feelings, and thoughts into words effectively.
Wooooord. You're absolutely right.
[Edit] But also
I'm not telling you NOT to give yourself space (I'm in the "please do give yourself some time and space, it'll help" camp),
Pro-tip: Saying things like this tends to get me a stern lecture on my lack of self-esteem rather than support or kind words. Doesn't really make you less unsure, so if you feel like you aren't valued either work on things being better (which you don't want to do in this instance for understandable and good reasons) or walk away. If they value you, they'll come find you and work on things. But to be honest, with people who can't pin down why they value you or how they feel, the doubt never completely goes away for people like you and I. Maybe, theoretically, she's trying to tell you that she values the way you listen to her. Or she's interested in the stories you have to tell. I can't tell you for sure. Give yourself some space, and things will naturally sort themselves out one way or another.
Seeing as how she broke up with me, and has literally gone from having nightmares about me breaking up with her to my actions being a nightmare for her...It's not hard for me to believe she doesn't value me too much anymore. Maybe you're right, I would be surprised, but honestly, she's not gonna seek me out because I made it clear to her that being good friends with her is stunting my ability to move on from our relationship. Also, I think she's going to realize she doesn't care, and if she starts dating the new guy she has a crush on, she's gonna forget all about me. So, whatever.
Seeing as how she broke up with me, and has literally gone from having nightmares about me breaking up with her to my actions being a nightmare for her...It's not hard for me to believe she doesn't value me too much anymore. Maybe you're right, I would be surprised, but honestly, she's not gonna seek me out because I made it clear to her that being good friends with her is stunting my ability to move on from our relationship. Also, I think she's going to realize she doesn't care, and if she starts dating the new guy she has a crush on, she's gonna forget all about me. So, whatever.
Pretty much. While it sucks as we said before you need to cool off for a while. Maybe a year or after the summer you'll be able to handle a friendship but at the end of a relationship there is a lot of respect and trust issues to work out as well as a cut off of the playful flirting and sexual tension that made your friendship so great before the relationship. You seem to got it covered though. Just continue with that thought and don't let her turn you into a intellectual whore.
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It's just like...We've built up this close relationship for 8 months, and now it apparently means nothing to her. She could take or leave me as a friend. She doesn't value me at all. In any way.
I don't know when that's going to stop hurting.
So, taking a break and cutting off contact for a while is totally fine. If you need to do that to help you get over it, that's completely alright. Obviously I can't predict the future, but I'll just tell you now that it probably doesn't mean anything like "we are never going to speak again," it'll just happen one way or the other. If you guys are comfortable enough with each other to be friends, it'll just happen on its own - you go to the same school, same major, after all.
It also hurts because I've had terrible luck so far in finding other women whom I like who would be willing to date me, but that's an entirely different story.
Also, where do you live to so I can get me some Fist of The North Star manga?
She's a much deeper person than I initially suspected (GOOD THING) and I left wanting more. About an hour after parting ways, she texted me saying she had an amazing night.
We're going to Renn Faire tomorrow. =D I'm leaving my garb at home since she's a first timer. I don't want to frighten the poor lass. =D
Now, this might lift your spirit in someway.
You are welcome!
Here's an example:
Me: "So we're really close friends, right? Why is it that you want to be friends with me?"
Friend: "Uuhhh, I donno, 'cause we have similar interests? I never really thought about or cared why."
...and that got me really hurt and upset. Sometimes I still have doubts, but pushing for the "right answer" isn't the way to go about things. Take it from someone who's made that mistake too many times.
But I don't think she values me. She didn't really disagree with anything when I brought this all up to her, so...
[Edit] But also
Maybe, theoretically, she's trying to tell you that she values the way you listen to her. Or she's interested in the stories you have to tell. I can't tell you for sure. Give yourself some space, and things will naturally sort themselves out one way or another.